AfroerotiK Universal Laws of Sex

1.       Life should be a sensual experience:  We are sexual beings.  Sex is an inherent, primal, natural drive, just like eating and breathing.  Sex is not bad, sex is not wrong, sex is not a sin, sex is not for procreation only.  Pleasure is our birthright, our bodies were divinely crafted to experience transcendent, erotic ecstasy.  The moment when you are exploding in orgasm is the exact moment when you are closest to your truest God self.  Life should NOT be about the constant pursuit of sex but rather life should be about the pursuit of pleasure with the person who makes you a better person.  The intimate connection we share with someone doesn’t have to last forever, we don’t have to have one lover in our lifetimes, but we dishonor ourselves when we use people for sex, when we jump from bed to bed to bed without concern or respect for the person we are sleeping with. 

Life should be about the sensual in all things; in the food we eat, in the way we dance, in the way we navigate through the world.  Life is NOT meant to be spent working 40 or 50 hours a week, climbing the corporate ladder, paying bills, and being a slave to capitalism.  That is an illusion, a false reality created by a disconnected and unenlightened consciousness that has made us believe that our sensual natures are wrong and that the things we own give us value.  What makes you happy?  What gives you joy?  What makes you feel like you are about to explode with ecstasy?    Capturing that sensation and rejoicing in it is what life is about. 

2.       Intimacy is the fuel of life:  Vulnerability, that feeling of knowing you can be your true self with someone else, the feeling of knowing that you are seen for who you really are and that you are valued and loved just the way you are, with all your flaws and imperfections, is the source of our greatest power as a human being.  Intimacy is the foundation of our greatest potential because it comes from being truthful, with ourselves and with our partners.  Emotional honesty is the basis of our true power.  Shutting ourselves off to others, keeping people at an arm’s distance does not protect us from being hurt, it prevents us from having the connections that are essential to our maturation as spiritual beings; it’s not the safety measure we have convinced ourselves it is.  Taking off our masks, baring our souls, telling our secrets, and truly opening up to another person is real freedom, it’s empowering.  We become stronger for telling our fears and fantasies to the person who supports us, nurtures us, who can love us with all our failures.  Sharing yourself with everyone isn’t optimal because some people have bad intentions, some people will try to use your secrets against you.  The key is honing your emotional I.Q. to determine who is worth your emotional investment and who isn’t.   When you claim your power, when you are comfortable within yourself and you can share your fears with another, when you let another person in your heart, you will learn that you can’t be hurt by your secrets because you own them.

3.       Casual sex does not happen without consequences:  We are disconnected from a healthy sense of sexuality.  We do not understand the beauty and power of sex so we have perverted it to being the equivalent of nude exercise, masturbation with someone else’s genitals, something we do in the dark for fun or release with anyone who is available.  Much of what arouses us comes from an unhealthy place: from being molested, from being made to feel ashamed of our natural desires, or from a need to try to feel attractive and worthy and desired. 

Sex is an exchange of energy.  Every time.  Every time you share your body with someone, you are taking in the other person’s energy.  We should be selective with whom we share our intimate selves.  We should feel connected to the person with whom we share our sexual selves.  We can never really know ourselves if we are constantly taking on the energy of others.  That is NOT saying that we should be celibate and monogamous.  It is saying that we should honor our sexuality as sacred and not give it to anyone and everyone but only to those whom have come into our lives for a reason. 

Having sex with strangers, with whom you have no connection, who you don’t “love” (not romantic Hollywood love but genuine concern, regard, and respect for them as a person whom you value) is a perversion of our true natures and not at all healthy.  An energetic bond is formed with the people you have sex with.  TV and movies have convinced us that casual sex is no big deal, that there are no consequences.  Emotions and feelings ARE formed when you have sex with someone.  If you don’t honor those feelings in yourself and in your partner, if you ignore them, you are sexually immature.   Having a string of lovers who you can’t even remember their names, who you don’t know, who you have no interest in getting to know, who you have lied to just to get a nut, is a perversion of your sexuality.  You become more and more disconnected from your highest potential when you sleep with people you have no relationship with. 

Think of your soul like baking a cake; every person you sleep with in an ingredient.  You only want to put the proper ingredients in the bowl.  Flour, sugar, eggs, and baking powder all make a sweet, delicious, fluffy cake.  If you start adding more ingredients: pepper, ketchup, cheese, or vinegar you end up with a mess that is inedible, disgusting; keep adding more and more ingredients to your bowl and soon you have a nasty mixture that resembles nothing like a cake..  Make sure you are only adding ingredients to your cake that will make your recipe taste good.  It takes time to get to know someone, to see what they are made of, to find out what they can add to your life.    Be selective with your partners.  Variety is not the spice of life, it’s the spice that will ruin your cake. 

4.       Celibacy is unhealthy:  Just like casual sex has its negative consequences, so does abstinence.  We are sexual beings, we come to this consciousness, this illusion of life through the act of sex, we were created through pleasure.  Denying our sexual natures is just as unhealthy as randomly having sex with anyone.  The connection and intimacy we share with someone when we have hot, sweaty, passionate sex is healing, it’s soothing, and it’s transformative.  Denying ourselves pleasure keeps us disconnected from our highest potential.  Extended abstinence is detrimental to our psyches, it chokes our creativity, it makes us anti-social, and it makes us hold tight to false beliefs that keep us from realizing our greatest potential.  With extended celibacy, our true natures as sexual beings is denied and it distorts our sense of self because we shut off that part of ourselves that is ESSENTIAL to our being. 

People who go without sex suffer energetically from being cut off from the sweetness of sex, the beauty of it, from the healing powers of being intimate with someone else.  Celibacy cuts us off from the divine.  When we have sex, when we experience that release, life is sweeter, colors are brighter, the birds sing a more beautiful song.  Our spirits are soothed from sex.  We are told that sex is bad and wrong and that we should deny it if we aren’t married but that’s the foundation of our sexual dysfunction.   While it’s not healthy to jump from bed to bed, from relationship to relationship just to have sex, it’s not healthy to deny our sexuality either.  There must be time for introspection and reflection when we lose a lover, we need to take time to heal our wounds and re-evaluate our sexual identities at the end of every relationship, but shutting off our sexuality for prolonged periods is equivalent to anorexia or some other self-inflicted harmful behavior that cuts us off from our true natures and damages us.  We are a society of extremes.  We must find moderation, especially with our sexuality, to find true enlightenment. 

5.       Sex should never be a financial exchange:  I don’t care what your women’s studies professor told you, I don’t care how many sex workers yell and scream that they are empowered by selling themselves, it doesn’t matter if you justify your choices because you rationalize that you had to sell sex for your survival, sex in exchange for money is detrimental.  It’s about power.  It’s about the person with money buying an object to use.  There is this movement to claim that sex work is empowering because the recipients are getting money and that is supposed to make the transaction empowering as long as the sex worker is “choosing” to be used.  Our belief that money makes the buying of a human being okay as long as they consent to it, our belief that having more expensive stuff than the next person, and our belief that giving yourself to someone who has purchased you is the root of the problem.  

If a woman has to sell her body to keep a roof over her head or feed her children, that does not mean it’s empowering just because she gets a few bucks thrown on the nightstand.  It means that we devalue women’s lives and bodies as little more than a thing to be used by men.  If a woman sleeps with basketball players and rappers because she wants to be seen as attractive and buy expensive clothes, it does not mean she is empowered, it means that she doesn’t know that her true value as a woman has nothing to do with the label on her purse or the cost of her shoes.   Human beings are not things to be bought and sold.  Prostitution is NOT the oldest profession in the world, that is the insane rationalization that women are not equal to men in order to justify their objectification.  God consciousness did not create women to be the sexual playthings of men, to be bought or sold, to sell themselves to please men.  The same applies to same-sex transactions.   Until we understand that, we will be tied to dysfunction. 

6.       Cheating is wrong:  It shouldn’t even have to be said.  It shouldn’t but it does. If you are with a partner and you are lying to them, if you are being deceptive and having sex with other people while committed to someone else, you are unhealthy and wrong.  If you sleep with people who are in relationships, even if you aren’t in a committed relationship yourself, you are wrong.  Lying destroys relationships; cheating hurts partners and families.  Sex cannot be what it’s meant to be if you a betraying the trust of someone else.  For many people, the rush of cheating makes sex more exciting to them.  Cheaters do not understand the beauty of sex, they do not grasp the power of sex, cheaters pervert the true meaning of sex.    The person you choose to share your life with should be the person you should be the most honest with: about your desires, about your sexuality, about everything in life.  Any sex that is based on duplicity and infidelity, any sex that is a betrayal of a promise you’ve made to someone else to be faithful, is dysfunctional. 

7.       Sex should be uplifting:  Sex should not be about degradation or humiliation.  We, the human beings who have come together to share consciousness in this time and space, have collective low self-esteem.  We are disconnected from our higher selves.   We think God is an all-seeing man who lives in the clouds who will punish us for having sex.  We have been told that we were born in sin, that we are inherently evil for our desires, that virginity equals virtue.  We have been beaten and humiliated by the people who were supposed to nurture and support us.  We have been shamed for our sexuality, convinced that we are wrong for our inherent sexual drives.  We have been molested, raped, and abused by adults who wanted to pervert our innocence.  We watch hours of porn where women are degraded and abused as if that is the natural order of life, as if women were created by God to be used and slapped and treated like receptacles of men’s rage and frustration and lust. 

Any society that convinces its people that sex is wrong is going to create a people who are filled with shame about the beauty of our true sexual selves.  The shame that we internalize, from whatever source, manifests itself as being aroused by being treated badly because we feel that we are undeserving, that we have no value, because we believe we are unlovable and unworthy.  Conversely, the need to feel better about ourselves, to feel as if we have true power and worth, can come out in a need to humiliate and degrade other people sexually, to make others feel bad about themselves.  That is a perversion of what sex should be.  Sex should be about pleasure, passion, eroticism, and sensuality, PERIOD.  The need to be aroused by being degraded, or by degrading others, comes from a place of dysfunction.  Healthy sexuality is about being equal and raising our vibrational frequency with our partners.  Sex IS empowering.  If humiliation and degradation are what turn you on, if you want to hurt or be hurt during sex, you are missing the real meaning of what sex is about. 

"You Fucking Cunt!"

I absolutely and vehemently believe that the act of deriving pleasure from degrading, slapping, choking, inflicting pain, humiliating, calling someone names, and using sex as a form of power comes from a place of low self-esteem.  It is my unwavering belief that the person who is driven to perform those sorts of acts to someone else does so to boost their own sense of self, not from a place of true power or benign sex play, but the need to objectify and demean someone else comes from a need to feel more empowered, to make themselves feel worthy, to feel superior to someone because there is something inherent in them that feels inferior.  It’s not psychologically healthy to want, need, or get pleasure from making someone else feel worthless or even inflicting pain on someone.  Conversely, it has to be said that the need to be and the act of deriving pleasure from being called names, degraded, humiliated, objectified etc., comes from an unhealthy psychological place as well.  There is something collectively wrong with our society that it creates people who both need to degrade and need to be degraded. 

Queue the entire BDSM community and people on both sides of the equation who are unwilling to look at their behaviors as unhealthy.  They will defend their behaviors as normal and rationalize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their preferences.  Even average Sue and Sally who get aroused at being called a slut and a whore during sex will claim feminist status for this issue alone and defend her right to be choked and slapped as her right.  And it is her right.  But that doesn’t mean that it comes from a psychologically healthy place.  Western society is set up to reinforce to men who get off on degrading and humiliating women that it’s their right as manly MEN (grunt grunt) to slap women around and pull them by the hair, that it’s the way God with a penis wants things to be.   And men who desire to be subjected to degrading and humiliating behavior sexually are so conflicted that they will never acknowledge publically that is a desire or preference because that will mean that they will be seen as less than a real man.  NO ONE wants to acknowledge or give credence to the notion that there is something unhealthy, dysfunctional, or psychologically damaged about the way they view and experience sex.  No one wants to admit that, Goddess forbid, that there may be something “wrong” with them. 

I don’t think, in fact I KNOW that the fault doesn’t lie in the individual but society in general that doesn’t reinforce, teach, and structure healthy self-esteem into our children.  We, collectively, are doing something tragically and detrimentally wrong in the way we are raising our children.  We are shaming out children about sex and sexuality.  It’s manifesting itself in unhealthy behaviors behind closed doors as adults and the system is set up to keep things just as they are.  Patriarchy is unhealthy.  Corporal punishment is unhealthy.  Whatever is it that we do to raise our children where they can’t grow up to see their inherent worth, beauty, and divinity and say, “No, I don’t find it arousing to be disrespected,” or “No, I don’t need to slap, choke, or degrade someone in order to feel better about myself,” is WRONG. 

Our culture is set up to reinforce that sex is dirty and bad and wrong and shouldn’t be discussed in any way.  The entire system is set up so people refuse to acknowledge that there might be a better, healthier way to have sex and that this whole concept that WHATEVER we do is just fine as long as we don’t have a problem with it.  This puritanical, right-wing, close-minded, oppressive system of shaming people about their sexuality is set up so that even the people who like things that are sexually dysfunctional can pretend to be outraged, offended, and disgusted by even the mere mention of the word sex.  We don’t know how to determine what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy because we can’t even have a conversation about sex in any meaningful way without the slut-shamers, the bible thumping holier-than-thous, and the “I’m fine just the way I am, you can’t tell me,” contingency INSISTING that nothing is wrong with the way we are dealing with, addressing, and looking at our sexuality.  There has to be a better way. 

There IS a way to relate to each other in a healthy, enlightened, erotic, sensual way that doesn’t involve degradation and humiliation.  We can explore sexuality in a myriad of ways, far beyond vanilla, boring, unimaginative sex, that doesn’t involve the objectification of one partner to get our rocks off.   

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

Rethink What You Know

Being Selective:

As sexually liberated as I am, I don’t want to do EVERYTHING with all my partners.  I wouldn’t say that I pick and choose what men I do certain things with but I do not give away my goodies casually.  Not every partner is deserving of everything I have to offer.  Especially if his motivations are not pure or transparent.  My partners and I get tested prior to having sex so it’s not about the higher risk for HIV.  It’s about the fact that it’s something so intense and explosive and thrilling and I don’t want to share that with just anyone.  I want to explore anything and everything with my partner.  I want to experiment and find new and exciting ways to please my partner and I’m always looking to introduce new levels of play with my partners.  I don’t, however, have casual sex, friends with benefits, or fuck buddies so I’m vastly different than most people in that anyone who is invited to share my most sacred space only gets an invitation because he has passed my very rigorous standards.  Were I to have casual sex partners, I would certainly not be motivated to give them my most erotic self; I would limit that to only the partners who had proven themselves to be exceptional. 

Swallowing:

If I’m in a relationship with my partner, I don’t have a problem swallowing my man’s ejaculate.  That being said, unless his diet is vegan and he takes extra precautions to eat well, drink water, drink pineapple juice etc., ejaculate doesn’t taste great.  It’s not the worst thing in the world but it’s certainly doesn’t taste like pussy, that’s for sure.  Most of the men I date at this stage in my life are in their 50s.  They don’t have the recovery time they had when they were in their 20s.  Cumming more than once a night is not very likely for the men I date.  That being said, at this stage in my life, I’d rather save that nut for our intercourse if we have time and energy.  If we’re out and I’m giving him head as a special treat or it’s something I want to do just to please him, I don’t have a problem swallowing at all.  The problem becomes when most men hold a woman’s head to force her to swallow.  I say, if you want me to swallow your nut, you need to be able to show me that you will eat it too.  If it’s disgusting to you, and you want eat your own, then don’t expect me to swallow it.  Most younger men are selfish.  They only think about their pleasure and they will hold a woman’s head to force her to swallow or they will cheat on a woman if she doesn’t swallow in order to appease their ego.  That’s where the problem lies. 

Satisfaction:

I would like to think that women and men will eventually come to understand that when they allow themselves to be emotionally open, honest, and vulnerable with a partner, when they expose their secrets, when they open their hearts and souls to loving and being loved that they will experience greater pleasure than just a maintenance date or a casual fuck.  Satisfaction comes from being able to tell all your sexual secrets to another person and knowing they still love you, want you, crave you.  Satisfaction comes from pouring out your heart and soul to someone and being able to be emotionally nude and go to a place where you don’t have to hide.  Most people assume that satisfaction and pleasure comes from some magic nut that makes you lose your mind.  We are sexually immature when we look at sex that way.  There will always be someone with a bigger dick, a bigger butt, someone more attractive, that’s not where satisfaction lies.  Satisfaction is in the connection and the bond and the unadulterated intimacy you form with your partner.  Once you get that, you won’t want to look for anyone else to satisfy you. 

Individuality:

What every woman wants in sex is different.  It should be based on her own body and turn ons.  I crave creativity, sensuality, eroticism, a willingness to go beyond just a pump and dump.  I want seduction and passion.  I want a slow, simmering building of extended foreplay that leads to mind-blowing sex.  I look for a partner who is committed to being honest.  That turns me on.  Fuck, that makes me explosive!  I’m definitely NOT looking for someone who thinks that blowing my back out is going to make me come back for more or someone who doesn’t care about me as a person.  I look for a man who is expressive.  He needs to be able to talk in bed and more than just saying, “Whose pussy is this?”  He has to tell me what turns him on and why.  He has to tell me what makes him feel good.  He needs to be able to communicate to me in very explicit terms what he is experiencing in the moment. 

Making Love:

Most men think that making love is fucking slow.  That’s not making love, that’s pretending to be tender when you really want to be blowing a woman’s back out.  Making love is being in love with my partner and having mind-blowing sex with him.  It can be fast, slow, it can be vigorous and rough.  If we are in love with each other, it’s making love.    I want to fuck like animals with the person I’m in love with.  That’s making love.  The connection is what makes it making love, not the pace at which the man pounds the woman. 

Inhibitions:

I’m not at all sexually inhibited and I haven’t been since I was in my 20s.  Most of what I had to overcome then was just insecurity about my body.  I was tall and skinny but somehow, I felt that I was fat and out of shape.  I think every woman goes through the counting stage.  You count the number of men you have sex with because you don’t want to hit that number that makes you a slut, whatever that number is for you.  Once I hit my 30s all my minor inhibitions disappeared and I was completely comfortable with my sexuality, what I wanted, what I needed, what I asked for, and how to get it.  Most people, and by that I mean men who want to fuck me and women who want to condescend to me because I’m not promiscuous, think I’m inhibited because I refuse to have casual sex.  I’m not slut shaming women who want to have multiple sex partners at all.  FOR ME, I choose not to share my most sacred space with undeserving me.  That’s not being inhibited, that’s being selective, having standards.  With my partner I’ll do anything and everything that we choose to explore as long as it’s consensual. 

Freaky:

Black people LOVE to throw the term freak around.  Sadly, pathetically, the term is used in place of meaning healthy sexuality.  There is nothing freaky about liking sex, wanting sex, or enjoying sex.  Unfortunately, because Black people are sooooooo incredibly sexually immature, they associate enjoying sex with being freaky. Even Black people who claim to be freaks are sexually conservative.  Most times they don’t like anything other than regular oral/vaginal sex and at times anal.  Being expressive with your partner isn’t freaky, it’s normal.  Exploring different fantasies with your partner isn’t freaky, it’s normal.  Wanting to open up your relationship and be poly isn’t freaky, it still falls within the realm of healthy sexual expression with your partner.  Freaky is wanting to mutilate your genitals for sexual pleasure.  Freaky is being aroused by inanimate objects more than human beings.  There are a whole host of things that are abnormal and extreme that are freaky but Black people are not into any of them for the most part.  As long as we identify ourselves as freaks for liking sex we are sexually stunted and immature.  I am sexually empowered.  I am sexually expressive.  I’m sexually mature.  I’m not a freak for enjoying pleasure.  I’m not a freak for wanting to explore sexuality with my partner.  I’m not a freak for liking more than vanilla sex on a Friday night with the lights out.  There is nothing freaky about my sexuality. 

Horny:

When I’m insatiable, when I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin with desire, when I can’t focus on anything but sex, I feel like a laser, everything is centered on the sensations of pleasure.  I crave stimulation.  I need visual stimulation, I need physical stimulation, I need the pleasure that comes from the journey, not the destination.  For me, when I get in that zone, I’m all about the sensations that come from arousal, I don’t really want the nut so much.  I want the pleasure to last as long as possible.  I never feel tense or evil or anything negative.  I feel a certain amount of frustration that I don’t have a partner with me to help me express my sexuality but that’s secondary to the sensations of wanting my nipples played with, wanting to revel in the sensations of my clit being stimulated, in feeling my wetness flow.