Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK. Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality. No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away. No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens. And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive. Scottie is putting everything on the table to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas. She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.

Showing posts with label essay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label essay. Show all posts

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I AM Worthy

Deeply ingrained in the psyche of slaves was the belief, the unshakeable BELIEF that Black people were meant to suffer.  They grew to believe, shackled under the oppressive physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual chains of slavery, that their life was intended to be painful, that they had to sacrifice, that there were destined to accept second, third, and fourth best.  Slaves were beaten, raped, held captive, tortured, and worked like animals and told that their rewards would only come when they accepted white Jesus and got to heaven.  And with no hope for wealth and affluence, with no hope of dignity or justice, they held on to the notion that their pain would end when they were washed by the blood of their lily-white savior once they got to the pearly gates. 

White people, not only just slave owners but all white people, had no such debilitating belief beat into them.  They believed, just as they do now, that the world is their oyster, that they can do and say anything without repercussions.  They have never known the concept of pain and suffering being intrinsic to their identity.  Sure, they have known pain, but it’s not tied to their identity, it’s not because of their whiteness.  They believe that they are the best, that they deserve the best, that they don’t have to do a damn thing to deserve the best, that they are entitled to their hearts’ desires simply ‘cuz. 

Black people today, in 2015, still largely believe that we must suffer, that pain is part and parcel of our identity.  The messages passed down, the lessons taught to us from our parents and grandparents who brutally beat us, who silenced us, who stifled our creativity, who tried their best to protect us from disappointment and injustice, is that we have to be long-suffering, that we have to settle, that we are inherently undeserving of fairness, wealth, respect, and just plain ole happiness because of our skin color.  We are conditioned to believe that we have to accept second best, that we must swallow our anger, we must not offend the white man, that we aren’t worthy of luxury or wealth, joy; we overwhelmingly belief that we are undeserving of something as basic as love. 

Some of us in the last few decades have broken the chains, we have changed our beliefs and we are beginning to believe, deep down in our souls, that we are deserving of wealth and abundance, that we are not inherently unworthy creatures like our forefathers and mothers were forced to believe.  Regrettably, we have also acquired a gross materialism and capitalistic narcissism, a replication of the pathologies of the greed and the obliviousness of white people who think the universe owes them, that they are deserving for no other reason than having breath in their lungs.  I’m working diligently on changing my own core beliefs, I’m determined to see myself as worthy of the best that life has to offer.  The psychological chains of slavery are still not broken, they are heavy and burdensome and suffocating.  Most of us still are imprisoned by the chains that we are only as good as the crumbs that have been thrown to us, that we will only know peace and joy when we die.  WE MUST CHANGE OUR CORE BELIEFS.  We must FEEL worthy deep down in our hearts and souls.  We must start to believe that we are inherently deserving of wonderful things, of success and peace and abundant and over-flowing blessings. 

And so it is. 

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Dear Mr. White Police Officer,

I’m really going to need you to stop murdering unarmed Black men in the streets.  Come on, let’s be honest with each other, between you and I, you know this is getting out of control, right?  I get it, I really do.  You don’t see Black people as humans.  You hate us for our music, our slang, and the way we wear our clothes.  I understand, I really do.  You think we are inherently criminal, loud, lazy and that we are the reason that everything is wrong with this country of yours.  I would say country of ours, both yours and mine considering I was born here, my parents, grandparents, great grandparents and my great-great grandparents were born here as well.   They were slaves but technically that made them citizens, or 3/5ths of one at least.   My lineage in this country is long and I have just as much right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as you do.  But, let’s be honest it’s not my country at all.  It’s your world, you run it, and you have decided that people who look like me are underserving of sharing the air that you breathe. 

You might not think so but I understand you very well.  You watch Fox News every night, you obsess over hating Obama, you hate Mexicans for taking American jobs and speaking that damn Spic language, you hate Muslims because they are all terrorist towel heads, you dislike Asians, well, just because they are aren’t white.  But it’s those niggers you hate the most, isn’t it?  You hate us because you believe we are inherently criminal, inherently stupid, inherently deserving of being slaughtered like pigs, don’t you?  You despise us because our hair is wooly and disgusting to you.  Our lips and noses are repulsive to you, hideous.  And if we’re being honest with each other, and we can be, you hate Black men for having bigger dicks because it’s not fair that your little penis is so small but you know in your heart that you are supposed to be superior.  In all fairness, we can’t do anything about the proportions of our features, we are not responsible for that, we have no control over our genetics.  Even though so many of us covet your stringy, limp hair, your thin lips, and your pale, pasty skin, altering our aesthetics to conform to your narrow standards of beauty, you don’t really hate EVERYTHING about Black people, do you?  Shhhhh, I know your secret.  I know that at home, in private, you secretly lust after that big, hard, strong, thick, BLACK cock.  You want your wife to be fucked by it, you want to sexually submissive to it.  You want to worship it like it’s your God and you lust after it to the point of obsession.  When you put on that uniform, however, when you put on that badge and that gun and you’re around your good ole boys, you can’t let anyone know your secrets so you tell those nigger jokes, you tase us for not wearing a seat belt or waiting for our children, you use illegal choke holds to restrain us , choking the life out of us, and you shoot us over and over and over again to prove to yourself and the world that you really are superior, that we are nothing more than scum that needs to be disposed of like trash. 

But, if we are being completely fair, just between you and I, it’s really your fault that Blacks are in the socio-economic position we are in and the criminal behaviors that result from being denied equality for so long.  Well, maybe not you personally but white people as a whole.  It was the overwhelming and offensively arrogant ego of white people who decided that strong, beautiful, resilient bodies of Africans were unworthy of freedom; it was whites who decided that people of African descent had to labor like beasts, with no education, no income, no right to their heritage, culture, or history, to build a country for which they got no credit.   You know that you and your friends do more drugs and alcohol than Black people could ever dream of doing.  You know that you are more sexually deviant than Black people ever could hope to be.  Deep down inside you know that it’s not Blacks who are inherently inferior at all, don’t you?  Black people aren’t inherently criminal or lazy or stupid.  We really aren’t.  If we are less advantaged than whites, it’s because you wanted us to be.  You stop us from getting jobs that could provide for our families, you don’t want us to be educated so that we could be equal to you, you put us in prison for things you turn a blind eye to when your neighbor does it.  You want us to be relegated to a life of despair and poverty with no hope and now you are killing us because we are victims of a system that archetypal “you” put in place centuries ago.  As much as you don’t want to admit it, as much as you are in denial that there are long-term, tangible, and compound consequences to the legacy that is slavery, you are murdering us for something that is not of our own doing, not our fault at all.  That’s . . . not very fair. 

So, Mr. white police officer, I’m going to beg you to not massacre us like animals in the streets so you can hide your conflicted and tormented beliefs.  I’m going to beg you not to leave our bodies laying in the streets for hours.  I’m pleading with the part of you that is just and fair and right to not fill our beautiful brown bodies with lead so that you might not ever have to reconcile your very racist beliefs and your conflicted sexual desires.  We do not deserve to be murdered for circumstances that we did not create, for the inner demons you are unwilling to fight. 


The mother of a movement to educate and enlighten,  Scottie Lowe. 

Monday, August 29, 2011

Outside the Box

I’m not really sure how I got to be so different, see things so differently than the rest of the world, than the rest of my family even.  I mean, I didn’t have particularly radical parents who raised me to buck the system and question the status quo.  I had a dysfunctional, conformist mother who strived for mediocrity and lived to justify her belief systems with a circle of friends who thought just like her.  My grandparents were activists, radical for their time, but they were the definition of mainstream.  I have to sit back and ask myself, how is it that I came to see the ills of society and have a need, a compelling drive to correct the wrongs that color the very fabric of our existence.  I mean, how is it even possible that in a family of Christian, conservative deacons, deaconesses, trustees, and ushers who have never once thought to question the religion the slave master gave them, that I stand alone as the symbol of religious tolerance?  You see, I see don’t see Jesus as the one way to Heaven.  I think Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Yoruba, and a host of other religions are all equally valid.  I don’t think any of them is completely true, nor do I think they need to be.  I think that religion is supposed to give people is a sense of grounding and peace, not intended to be the divisive tool that its used as to perpetuate war and hate.  People assume that because I don’t identify as Christian any longer that I’m some amoral atheist. Nothing could be further from the truth.  I believe in a Divine, universal, scientific Creator that masterfully, intentionally, lovingly crafted the most complex, beautiful system of organisms that ALL operates to glorify them.  How did I come to such an understanding?  Hell if I know.

How did I come to embrace all forms of sexuality as acceptable?  Look around you and ask yourself how many people do you know who can see a transgendered person as unique, valid, and deserving of every single solitary right as every other human being on the planet.  Sadly, not many.  I was raised in a family were there was no tolerance for anything other than heterosexuality.  I see a host of reasons that contribute to a person’s sexual preferences and I don’t necessarily place any more value on nature or nurture, as long as a person chooses to love whom they love, they have a right to do so in freedom without my or anyone else’s judgment.  Sexuality, as far as I’m concerned, is such an irrelevant issue, such a minimal facet of a person’s entire being that I place absolutely no importance on some societal need to condemn anyone for whom they are attracted to.  How is it that I’ve known since I was a child that loving someone had absolutely nothing to do with what genitals were between their legs?  When I look at the people who surround me at family dinners, do I see anyone who mirrors my opinions?  Nope.

I wear my hair short and nappy with pride.  I’m among a very small (but thankfully growing) population of Black women who embrace our natural, God-given hair texture.  I’m not even sure how I could have come to such a revelation because among my peers and family, I’m almost singular in that view.  I have more integrity, less fear, and am singularly the most introspective person I know.  I can totally see how I learned to fight racism; I was raised in a family where civil rights were as important as religion and education.  What I’m not so sure about is where I became so comfortable embracing my identity as a descendant of slaves and as an African.  Most Black people see slavery as something shameful and something to be denied and wouldn’t identify with anything African if you paid them.  I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of understanding how the collective African American consciousness came to be and restoring it to a place of wholeness.  I can assure you, not many people think like me.

Perhaps, most significantly, I write erotica.  Not only do I write erotica, but I write erotica with an agenda.  I use sex as a tool to teach Black people how to love and white people how not to be so fucked up.  Certainly, one would assume that I was raised in a family where sex was openly discussed and where I was taught to see sex as healthy.  Yeah . . . not so much.  Sex was dirty, not talked about, and something only for married people.  Where did I find this voice?  Where did I get the confidence to express myself in an unapologetic, explicit voice and not feel the need to censor my thoughts or curb my language in order to get my thoughts out to people?  I don’t understand how I or why I’m so different.  Why am I so willing to step outside the box, to think so differently?  It makes no sense to me.  I wasn’t raised in an environment that nurtured my individuality; I was raised to conform.  I feel as if I’ve taken the red pill, or the blue pill, whatever color pill makes you wake up from the matrix.  But I didn’t ask to take a pill.  For all intents and purposes, I should be a corporate climbing, Christian, cog in the machine.  Being different isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  It’s an isolated existence where I’m constantly being challenged to defend my beliefs and countered with irrational logic.  I’m not sure how I got to where I am today, all I know is that I can’t go back.  I can’t close my eyes to the truth, I can’t unlearn it, I can’t be “normal” at the risk of part of my soul dying.  It’s a very lonely path I’m traveling. 

Saturday, May 15, 2010

What Scottie Wants Too

Recently, I got an inquiry from a young lady who had some questions about my recent essay, What Scottie Wants (http:// I decided I would post her query and my replies here for all to see, discuss, digest, and debate.

I read with great interest the precis of your romantic history, findings of the study you conducted on yourself and the subsequent litany of requirements and expectations facing the next incumbent.

I would like to commend you on an extremely well written piece and for sharing your personal thoughts in such a carefully considered, open, clear and resolute manner.

In the spirit of debate, I have taken the liberty of adding my comments. I also have several questions as I found some of your statements thought-provoking and controversial. I would be most interested to read your responses at your earliest convenience:

While there is nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want, do you think there is a possibility that treating these things as if they are a grocery list could hold you back from meeting the one for you? What is your success rate applying this new approach?

Do you believe you have opened your heart to more than just the perfect relationship?

I recently read an article on dating and agree with the author's assertion that it is important to have realistic expectations of oneself. The author encouraged me to think - I was born with what I have and try to make the best of it. That is all that matters- end of story. A lot of attraction is based in confidence and attitude. Do what makes me comfortable with what I have and never look back. I wholeheartedly agree with the author's advice that while I we should cut ourselves some slack in the expectation area, we should extend that consideration to other people. Do you, Scottie, expect one man to meet all your criteria? Do you think all those attributes exist in one person exactly as you define them? If such a man does exist, statistically, what do you believe are your chances of meeting him? And if you do meet this man - I would be particularly interested to learn what YOU have to offer HIM?

I think your first two stipulations are perfectly reasonable. I found your third regarding religion, interesting. I actually concur with your opinions on religion however, I was left wondering why you would find a partner affiliated to a major religion (as long as they are not a zealot) so offensive? Do you not consider it possible for YOU to have a successful relationship with someone affiliated to a major religion provided your partner does not try to recruit you to their religion or demean your own beliefs? What about men with affiliations to minor religions? What about a Satanist? Furthermore, would you consider an application from a man who neither shares your view that God is indescribable, scientific, all-encompassing nor believes the earth’s animals could fit on one Ark?

In your section which addresses interests and aptitudes - you mention your dislike of hip-hop which I agree much of is hugely degrading, offensive and misogynist. Would you be interested in a man who agrees with this too though enjoys reggae music some of which is extremely homophobic and misogynist. What about pop music - much of which is churned out by girls/women who have elected to degrade themselves. Heavy Metal music has long been attributed to the suicides of young people (e.g. Smells like Teen Spirit by Nirvana).

You say you desire a partner who has varied interest he can teach you about but that are not in conflict with your beliefs. Does this mean you are not open to ever changing your mind about something having learnt a new angle on a subject? Do you really mean by 'not in conflict with your belief' - 'be prepared to always agree with you?' This is a question, not an accusation.

You say you need someone in your life who is equally as committed to telling the truth, monogamy, doing what’s right even when it’s not easy, with respect for their family, who carries themselves with dignity, and who treats you with reverence at all times. You say you have learnt the hard way that compromising on someone who doesn’t see the value in honesty, integrity, and upstanding character will ultimately make you unhappy in the relationship. This is an excellent standard to set oneself but can you honestly say you deserve to be treated with reverence (a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe; veneration) at all times?

You say you would prefer that your man be a man of color, what color exactly doesn’t really matter to me. I will remain open to that man being white as long as he meets all my other criteria as well. Could you please define what constitutes a 'man of color' so I can understand what your preference is? If the color does not matter, how do you then explain having a preference?

I was not offended or outraged by your final pre-requisite - just intrigued and a little confused.

"If there is one thing that I’ve held fast to on my list, that hasn’t changed in the past few years, that has offended and outraged more people than any other thing on my list, is the fact that I require my partner to be openly bisexual. I require a man who has redefined his sexuality, who is comfortable with his sexuality, who is open to loving and being loved by another man"

You desire an openly bisexual man yet you also desire a man who is willing to be monogamous. How would that work? How can a man be monogamous (you said you require a man who is committed to monogamy) and be conducting sexual relationships with other men? You say you are willing to compromise on that depending on the person and the dynamics we share; if you find a partner who is all that you seek and he’s interested in maintaining relationships with other men, you will certainly entertain the conversation, see what sort of compromise you can come to that doesn’t hurt your feelings or leave him feeling unsatisfied - yet you have repeatedly said you are not prepared to compromise on any of your requirements. Why would you need to compromise anyway if you are actively seeking a bisexual man? You say you would like a man who is open to loving and being loved by another man. What about being loved by another woman?

You say you long since given up my need to be with another woman - just out of interest, why is that?

Another point - a man who can cry when he has to and not feel that’s a determinant of his manhood has absolutely nothing to do with sex and sexuality. My brother is gay and feels most uncomfortable about crying. What about women who find it difficult to cry if they need to - I know a few of those too.

I would be most interested to know what it means to be 'sexually progressive'. Sexually 'open' I understand but how does one 'progress' sexually in this context - I would like to understand the difference.

I very much look forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you again for giving me so much food for thought - I now have indigestion!

Here is my reply:

First, let me say that I usually have no reason or inclination to respond to individuals who question my preferences because they are just that, my preferences. If you don’t like my preferences or you have different ones, then so be it. I’m not trying to convince anyone that my preferences are ones that all people should adopt or that mine have more validity than anyone else’s. I am unique and I bring a certain set of talents, abilities, and dynamics to the table that require an equally unique mate. I find that most people who question my criteria, more often than not, posses a warped need to feel superior, so they condescend in order to try to tear me down or make me feel insecure about my preferences in a mate. Perhaps that’s not the case with you but I’ll entertain your spirit of debate because I don’t mind explaining myself for your benefit today. I’m quite confident in my choices and if you take issue with them or feel a need to question me or need clarification, I can play along.

If someone were shopping for a car and they said they needed a car that seated six comfortably that got 30 miles per gallon and had GPS navigation, On Star, side air bags, video monitors, Sirrus Radio, and came in Black, I suspect you wouldn’t question their preferences nor would you assert that they shouldn’t have a list nor would you try to demean them for the things that they prefer. Everyone has lists of what they want in a partner, some longer than others, some more superficial than others, some realistic, others not. Being specific about what you want is not a bad thing, whether it’s for an inanimate object or for a person. Trivializing my criteria for a mate down to nothing more than a “grocery list” takes nothing away from the fact that I have been in relationships, I’ve grown, I’ve taken the time to assess what works for me and what doesn’t. I’ve worked on myself and I’m clear on what sort of partner I desire in my life and with what sort of person I would be most compatible. It’s no different than you saying you want a three bedroom house with a garage, a finished basement, a corner lot, an updated kitchen, in a neighborhood with good schools, and a pool. If someone were to suggest to you that you shouldn’t have a list and that that list was standing in your way of actually getting what you want, you’d probably laugh and tell them to kiss your ass. If you find a great house and it doesn’t have a pool but there’s a community pool a couple blocks away, you, being a mature person, would reassess your list of must haves and adjust it accordingly. If an individual doesn’t have criteria for what he or she desires in a mate, they will settle for anyone and anything and their relationship will be doomed for failure. The Temple at Delphi cautions us to “Know Thyself”. I do, intricately and intimately. And armed with that knowledge of self, I have a list of things that are tolerable and other things that are not that form my wish list for a partner. Will I eliminate a great many people with my list? Yes, and that’s the point. I’m not interested in anyone who is average. Am I willing to compromise on my list? To a certain extent, yes. If I find someone who has 7 or 8 out of 10 things I want in a partner, I will certainly give them a chance. Will I lower my standards in order to appease the egos of people who try to assert that my list is unrealistic or too specific? Not a chance in hell. I didn’t say I wanted someone who was 6’3” tall who makes a million dollars a year and drives a blah, blah, blah type of car and who has a 10 bedroom home. I want a man whose intellectual, spiritual, social, sexual, and mental energies match my own. That’s not asking too much and moreover, I think everyone should be searching for a partner who matches them on those criteria, whatever levels or energies they may be.

I’m not looking for a perfect person, I’m looking for the perfect relationship FOR ME. I made it very clear that I’ve opened myself up to shades of gray when it comes to finding a partner. Yes, I want the perfect relationship for me as everyone should want, desire, and seek the perfect relationship for them. I desire a peaceful, harmonious, emotionally mature, committed, healthy, monogamous relationship. Why would I want something flawed and dysfunctional? I don’t think any person is perfect, including myself but that doesn’t mean I should have no standards for what sort of relationship I seek either or seek a relationship that doesn’t fulfill me.

There is not one thing on my list of criteria that I don’t possess. Again, I’m not looking for perfection within one person. I don’t expect him to be without flaw, I simply seek a partner whose flaws compliment and balance mine in such a way that we can form the bond that sets the stage for a long term relationship. My chances of meeting, connecting with, and establishing a relationship with my ideal partner are just as good as, if not better than Joe Blow average on the street. Yes, my dating pool is limited because I don’t want the average man and I have criteria that reduces the number of potential partners BUT I’m more prepared than most to form a healthy relationship; I’ve done more work on myself, I’ve refined, transformed, and evolved more than most people who meet someone in the online and form a relationship based on their own insecurities, flaws, and unresolved issues.

And since you want to question what I bring to the table, I’ll tell you EXACTLY why I will be a great partner for my future mate. I am a woman of unparalled integrity. I am a mother of a movement to educate and enlighten, to which I’ve dedicated and sacrificed my life, I am an outspoken activist, author, and caregiver. I posses above average intelligence and a kind, warm, giving heart. I have done the work on myself, I am fully aware of the triggers I have that set off my feelings of insecurity and abandonment. I am an excellent communicator, I have evolved past the lies and mistruths that shaped the consciousness of African Americans and I work diligently to dismantle the stronghold the chains of mental slavery possess over my people. I am a champion for the oppressed, creative, artistic, logical, well rounded, and I’m autonomous. I am not at all materialistic nor do I ascribe to the trappings of capitalism yet I’m sophisticated, classy, well-traveled, and down to earth. And to top it off, I’m together enough and comfortable enough in my own skin to not at all be intimidated by people who want to question me and what I bring to the table.

If someone believes in all the stipulations of the word’s major religions, if they have not ever questioned, investigated, or explored other truths, then I would be hopelessly doomed in a relationship with said person. I am an academic, I would not be happy, satisfied or fulfilled with a, shall we say, dim witted person. Equally, I cannot ever be satisfied with a person who believes God is a man and all the folk tales and mythologies of the major religions. If I meet someone who says that they were raised Christian and then questioned its tenants and decided that they were more comfortable as an Atheist or Zoroastrian or Pagan or whatever, I’m cool with that. Clearly, I’m not going to be with someone whose religion teaches hatred or human sacrifice or worshipping evil. It’s absurd to think that I would be enamored with anyone whose religious beliefs were in direct contradictions to my life’s mission but as long as they weren’t Christian I would be okay with it. I don’t need a person to believe the exact same things as I do but I can’t have a partner who believes in the fairy tales of Judeo/Christian oppression either. I thought I made that clear previously but apparently my writing skills aren’t as adept as I once thought.

Not every song in hip-hop is offensive, not every song is misogynist and degrading. There are even some hip-hop artists who are positive and conscious. Of course if I met a man who liked hip-hop and listened to the more enlightened artists, I would be fine with it. Perhaps I need to be more specific. REGARDLESS OF THE GENRE, I’m not going to date a man who likes, enjoys, or supports music that degrades my gender, race, sexuality, or any oppressed class. I’m always willing to learn but I don’t want a partner who is going to try to teach me the values of calling women bitches or how the bible is the only true living word of God. I want a mate who can expand my consciousness, who can help me grow and evolve, who can teach me things I’ve never been exposed to before, not who is going to argue with me over things I stand in firm disagreement with. I’m open and receptive to learning about art, music, the theater, food, wine, travel, metaphysics, science, philosophy and a whole host of topics that I don’t a thing about but are not in contradiction with my beliefs. Only the most self-centered person would assume that there can be a relationship without disagreement. I don’t desire a relationship fraught with conflict and arguments but I don’t arrogantly assume that there is going to be a utopian relationship where we only see each other as perfect all day, every day either. In my last relationship, my ex and I didn’t share similar philosophical beliefs at all and yet we never argued. We got along extremely well, even in stressful situations, we communicated our disagreements better than most couples have the knowledge or ability to do. It’s not a stretch to say that I’d like to be in a relationship with someone whose ideological beliefs compliment my own and we don’t have to argue and yet he can still teach me about things that are not in conflict with my core beliefs. I refuse to even address your assertion that I don’t deserve to be treated with reverence because every human being is deserving of being treated with awe and respect from the person with whom they share their life.

My preference is for a man of color, any color, who has a unique cultural identity different from the oppressive Caucasian standard by which men and society are measured. I desire a man who has a different history, who has different cultural practices of which he’s extremely proud and committed to preserving. I desire a man of color who has not been born with the unearned privileges of white men and who has struggled to maintain his unique identity in a world that wishes to erase, eradicate, and legalize homogeneity. I’m not attracted to men who have the disease of “whiteness” and the arrogance, condescension, and fallacy of supremacy that Caucasian men inherit. Whether he be Tongan, Incan, Aborigine, Eskimo, from the untouchable caste in India, or an undocumented Mexican, it doesn’t matter to me. The vast majority of the world’s population are people of color and I’m not attracted to the minority who belong to the race of people who participate in their oppression.

I am bisexual and completely capable of being monogamous in a relationship thus I don’t think it would be difficult to find the same in my partner. I have been with other women, I have loved other women, I have fucked other women, (very well in fact) and I don’t have a need to explore that part of my sexuality again. I will forever be attracted to women, certain women who match my criteria suffice it to say, and I will never give up my bisexual label, but if I don’t sleep with another woman again I won’t feel as if my life has been compromised or I’m missing out on something. I am not a man, however, and I don’t posses any of the things that a man can offer my mate. Therefore, if I meet a man who needs to feel the physical and emotional sensations he experiences when he’s with a man, then I must remain open to opening up our relationship to another man. Would I prefer that he sees me as the complete package to satisfy his sexual urges, of course, but I’m not sexually na├»ve enough to fail to recognize that even if I strap on and fuck my man in the ass, I’m still not a man and can’t give that intangible male thing that men have. If I were still actively attracted to women, I would expect my mate to be understanding of the fact that only a woman can provide certain stimuli for me, a certain softness, a certain ineffable “femaleness” that a man can’t provide. If I have a man who just wants other pussy, that isn’t going to work. A man who can’t control his sexual urges for variety isn’t a man I’m interested in nor would he be one I’m involved with.

I’m not attracted to emotionally stunted people, whether they be straight, gay, black, white, male or female. And since I’ve learned to anticipate your objections, I’m not attracted to emotionally stunted people of any race, creed, gender, religion, political affiliation, height, weight, or hair color. I’m not attracted to overly emotionally people either regardless of their sexual preference or chromosomal makeup or melanin content. I seek a balanced partner who can cry when he’s sad, angry, or hurt to release his emotions and who can move on, not wallow in feelings of self-pity, and experience an entire range of emotions in a healthy manner.

I desire a partner who not only can be open to exploring a myriad of sexual acts with me without feelings of guilt or shame but also who has no need to denigrate or denounce homosexual, bisexual, transgendered, asexual, or intersexed individuals for their preferences and practices either. Dare I say I even want him to be supportive of individuals in their search for sexual freedom and expression. That’s my definition of sexually progressive.

I certainly hope that clarifies things for you and that you find, meet and fall in love with your perfect partner as well.