Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK. Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality. No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away. No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens. And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive. Scottie is putting everything on the table to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas. She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.

Showing posts with label couples. Show all posts
Showing posts with label couples. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

AfroerotiK Universal Laws of Sex

1.       Life should be a sensual experience:  We are sexual beings.  Sex is an inherent, primal, natural drive, just like eating and breathing.  Sex is not bad, sex is not wrong, sex is not a sin, sex is not for procreation only.  Pleasure is our birthright, our bodies were divinely crafted to experience transcendent, erotic ecstasy.  The moment when you are exploding in orgasm is the exact moment when you are closest to your truest God self.  Life should NOT be about the constant pursuit of sex but rather life should be about the pursuit of pleasure with the person who makes you a better person.  The intimate connection we share with someone doesn’t have to last forever, we don’t have to have one lover in our lifetimes, but we dishonor ourselves when we use people for sex, when we jump from bed to bed to bed without concern or respect for the person we are sleeping with. 

Life should be about the sensual in all things; in the food we eat, in the way we dance, in the way we navigate through the world.  Life is NOT meant to be spent working 40 or 50 hours a week, climbing the corporate ladder, paying bills, and being a slave to capitalism.  That is an illusion, a false reality created by a disconnected and unenlightened consciousness that has made us believe that our sensual natures are wrong and that the things we own give us value.  What makes you happy?  What gives you joy?  What makes you feel like you are about to explode with ecstasy?    Capturing that sensation and rejoicing in it is what life is about. 

2.       Intimacy is the fuel of life:  Vulnerability, that feeling of knowing you can be your true self with someone else, the feeling of knowing that you are seen for who you really are and that you are valued and loved just the way you are, with all your flaws and imperfections, is the source of our greatest power as a human being.  Intimacy is the foundation of our greatest potential because it comes from being truthful, with ourselves and with our partners.  Emotional honesty is the basis of our true power.  Shutting ourselves off to others, keeping people at an arm’s distance does not protect us from being hurt, it prevents us from having the connections that are essential to our maturation as spiritual beings; it’s not the safety measure we have convinced ourselves it is.  Taking off our masks, baring our souls, telling our secrets, and truly opening up to another person is real freedom, it’s empowering.  We become stronger for telling our fears and fantasies to the person who supports us, nurtures us, who can love us with all our failures.  Sharing yourself with everyone isn’t optimal because some people have bad intentions, some people will try to use your secrets against you.  The key is honing your emotional I.Q. to determine who is worth your emotional investment and who isn’t.   When you claim your power, when you are comfortable within yourself and you can share your fears with another, when you let another person in your heart, you will learn that you can’t be hurt by your secrets because you own them.

3.       Casual sex does not happen without consequences:  We are disconnected from a healthy sense of sexuality.  We do not understand the beauty and power of sex so we have perverted it to being the equivalent of nude exercise, masturbation with someone else’s genitals, something we do in the dark for fun or release with anyone who is available.  Much of what arouses us comes from an unhealthy place: from being molested, from being made to feel ashamed of our natural desires, or from a need to try to feel attractive and worthy and desired. 

Sex is an exchange of energy.  Every time.  Every time you share your body with someone, you are taking in the other person’s energy.  We should be selective with whom we share our intimate selves.  We should feel connected to the person with whom we share our sexual selves.  We can never really know ourselves if we are constantly taking on the energy of others.  That is NOT saying that we should be celibate and monogamous.  It is saying that we should honor our sexuality as sacred and not give it to anyone and everyone but only to those whom have come into our lives for a reason. 

Having sex with strangers, with whom you have no connection, who you don’t “love” (not romantic Hollywood love but genuine concern, regard, and respect for them as a person whom you value) is a perversion of our true natures and not at all healthy.  An energetic bond is formed with the people you have sex with.  TV and movies have convinced us that casual sex is no big deal, that there are no consequences.  Emotions and feelings ARE formed when you have sex with someone.  If you don’t honor those feelings in yourself and in your partner, if you ignore them, you are sexually immature.   Having a string of lovers who you can’t even remember their names, who you don’t know, who you have no interest in getting to know, who you have lied to just to get a nut, is a perversion of your sexuality.  You become more and more disconnected from your highest potential when you sleep with people you have no relationship with. 

Think of your soul like baking a cake; every person you sleep with in an ingredient.  You only want to put the proper ingredients in the bowl.  Flour, sugar, eggs, and baking powder all make a sweet, delicious, fluffy cake.  If you start adding more ingredients: pepper, ketchup, cheese, or vinegar you end up with a mess that is inedible, disgusting; keep adding more and more ingredients to your bowl and soon you have a nasty mixture that resembles nothing like a cake..  Make sure you are only adding ingredients to your cake that will make your recipe taste good.  It takes time to get to know someone, to see what they are made of, to find out what they can add to your life.    Be selective with your partners.  Variety is not the spice of life, it’s the spice that will ruin your cake. 

4.       Celibacy is unhealthy:  Just like casual sex has its negative consequences, so does abstinence.  We are sexual beings, we come to this consciousness, this illusion of life through the act of sex, we were created through pleasure.  Denying our sexual natures is just as unhealthy as randomly having sex with anyone.  The connection and intimacy we share with someone when we have hot, sweaty, passionate sex is healing, it’s soothing, and it’s transformative.  Denying ourselves pleasure keeps us disconnected from our highest potential.  Extended abstinence is detrimental to our psyches, it chokes our creativity, it makes us anti-social, and it makes us hold tight to false beliefs that keep us from realizing our greatest potential.  With extended celibacy, our true natures as sexual beings is denied and it distorts our sense of self because we shut off that part of ourselves that is ESSENTIAL to our being. 

People who go without sex suffer energetically from being cut off from the sweetness of sex, the beauty of it, from the healing powers of being intimate with someone else.  Celibacy cuts us off from the divine.  When we have sex, when we experience that release, life is sweeter, colors are brighter, the birds sing a more beautiful song.  Our spirits are soothed from sex.  We are told that sex is bad and wrong and that we should deny it if we aren’t married but that’s the foundation of our sexual dysfunction.   While it’s not healthy to jump from bed to bed, from relationship to relationship just to have sex, it’s not healthy to deny our sexuality either.  There must be time for introspection and reflection when we lose a lover, we need to take time to heal our wounds and re-evaluate our sexual identities at the end of every relationship, but shutting off our sexuality for prolonged periods is equivalent to anorexia or some other self-inflicted harmful behavior that cuts us off from our true natures and damages us.  We are a society of extremes.  We must find moderation, especially with our sexuality, to find true enlightenment. 

5.       Sex should never be a financial exchange:  I don’t care what your women’s studies professor told you, I don’t care how many sex workers yell and scream that they are empowered by selling themselves, it doesn’t matter if you justify your choices because you rationalize that you had to sell sex for your survival, sex in exchange for money is detrimental.  It’s about power.  It’s about the person with money buying an object to use.  There is this movement to claim that sex work is empowering because the recipients are getting money and that is supposed to make the transaction empowering as long as the sex worker is “choosing” to be used.  Our belief that money makes the buying of a human being okay as long as they consent to it, our belief that having more expensive stuff than the next person, and our belief that giving yourself to someone who has purchased you is the root of the problem.  
If a woman has to sell her body to keep a roof over her head or feed her children, that does not mean it’s empowering just because she gets a few bucks thrown on the nightstand.  It means that we devalue women’s lives and bodies as little more than a thing to be used by men.  If a woman sleeps with basketball players and rappers because she wants to be seen as attractive and buy expensive clothes, it does not mean she is empowered, it means that she doesn’t know that her true value as a woman has nothing to do with the label on her purse or the cost of her shoes.   Human beings are not things to be bought and sold.  Prostitution is NOT the oldest profession in the world, that is the insane rationalization that women are not equal to men in order to justify their objectification.  God consciousness did not create women to be the sexual playthings of men, to be bought or sold, to sell themselves to please men.  The same applies to same-sex transactions.   Until we understand that, we will be tied to dysfunction. 
6.       Cheating is wrong:  It shouldn’t even have to be said.  It shouldn’t but it does. If you are with a partner and you are lying to them, if you are being deceptive and having sex with other people while committed to someone else, you are unhealthy and wrong.  If you sleep with people who are in relationships, even if you aren’t in a committed relationship yourself, you are wrong.  Lying destroys relationships; cheating hurts partners and families.  Sex cannot be what it’s meant to be if you a betraying the trust of someone else.  For many people, the rush of cheating makes sex more exciting to them.  Cheaters do not understand the beauty of sex, they do not grasp the power of sex, cheaters pervert the true meaning of sex.    The person you choose to share your life with should be the person you should be the most honest with: about your desires, about your sexuality, about everything in life.  Any sex that is based on duplicity and infidelity, any sex that is a betrayal of a promise you’ve made to someone else to be faithful, is dysfunctional. 

7.       Sex should be uplifting:  Sex should not be about degradation or humiliation.  We, the human beings who have come together to share consciousness in this time and space, have collective low self-esteem.  We are disconnected from our higher selves.   We think God is an all-seeing man who lives in the clouds who will punish us for having sex.  We have been told that we were born in sin, that we are inherently evil for our desires, that virginity equals virtue.  We have been beaten and humiliated by the people who were supposed to nurture and support us.  We have been shamed for our sexuality, convinced that we are wrong for our inherent sexual drives.  We have been molested, raped, and abused by adults who wanted to pervert our innocence.  We watch hours of porn where women are degraded and abused as if that is the natural order of life, as if women were created by God to be used and slapped and treated like receptacles of men’s rage and frustration and lust. 

Any society that convinces its people that sex is wrong is going to create a people who are filled with shame about the beauty of our true sexual selves.  The shame that we internalize, from whatever source, manifests itself as being aroused by being treated badly because we feel that we are undeserving, that we have no value, because we believe we are unlovable and unworthy.  Conversely, the need to feel better about ourselves, to feel as if we have true power and worth, can come out in a need to humiliate and degrade other people sexually, to make others feel bad about themselves.  That is a perversion of what sex should be.  Sex should be about pleasure, passion, eroticism, and sensuality, PERIOD.  The need to be aroused by being degraded, or by degrading others, comes from a place of dysfunction.  Healthy sexuality is about being equal and raising our vibrational frequency with our partners.  Sex IS empowering.  If humiliation and degradation are what turn you on, if you want to hurt or be hurt during sex, you are missing the real meaning of what sex is about. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Theory of Relativity

All this Ashley Madison drama has me thinking.  There are potentially more than 30 million spouses that could find out that their mate has cheated on them in the very near future.  What is the appropriate reaction to discovering that you have been cheated on?    If you are in love, if you are in a committed relationship, if you have given your heart and your life to one person, what is the appropriate response to finding out your partner/spouse has betrayed your trust?  I'm going to assume that you aren't also cheating on your mate.  Then, the only appropriate, mature response is to walk away, no hard feelings on either person's behalf. 

But what if you are faithful and your partner cheats, how should you react?  The cheater always assumes that the person cheated on should take the high road, they always act as if the person betrayed should just suck it up and walk away and they shouldn't show any emotion, they shouldn't show any anger, they shouldn't try to get revenge.  Society in general is always quick to say that the betrayed shouldn't waste their energy on any sort of revenge, any sort of willful intention to hurt the person back. 

But, is that really reasonable?  If you have made love to someone, if you have shared your body, your secrets, your dreams, your fears with someone, if you have truly given your heart to someone, if your heart has been broken and your trust betrayed, even the most sane, reasonable person should be expected to feel extreme rage and anger when you discover that the person you were building a life with has decided that your feelings, that you mean nothing to them.  In my mind, only an insane person would react with no reaction at all.  That, to me, indicates, being so out of touch with your emotions that you are incapable of processing them.  

Clearly, you shouldn't physically harm anyone but isn't that asking a lot of the human heart to not seek any sort of salve for your pain?  I can think of no greater pain than being betrayed by your life partner.  I think society's insistence that injured party just suck it up and hold their head up high with dignity . . . I'm pretty convinced that's extremely unhealthy.  We are sentient beings and we are supposed to process our emotions, we are supposed to feel.  The concept of letting an individual who has inflicted tremendous personal pain on their mate just walk away, not having learned a painful lesson, seems delusional to me.  One of the reasons I think we are so unhealthy as a society is that we have this obsessive need to present fake images of perfection, facades of one-dimensional pictures that aren't realistic. 

So, is burning all your mate's clothing acceptable? Is a lost wardrobe really that detrimental for the crime committed?  Is going to his or her job and embarrassing them okay?  If your cheating spouse is embarrassed, if they are humiliated by co-workers, is that something they won't be able to rebound from?  Is outing them as a cheater to their friends and family acceptable?  What about doing something to the person your partner was cheating with?  Should they escape your wrath because it's socially unacceptable?  Cheating, lying, betrayal should be unacceptable but it seems as if society is telling the victims of adultery that they should just suck it up and be the better person and their their perpetrators walk away with their own guilt as their only punishment.  Where is the line?  What is the appropriate, acceptable response when someone rips your heart out and steps on it? 

Are we as a society so obsessed with pretending to be perfect that we've lost perspective of the fact that for every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction? 

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

I Don’t Want to be Slapped

It is generally presumed that women have some sort of genetic predisposition to being degraded during sex, that we are hard-wired to want to be submissive to men.  I have zero submissive inclinations, less than zero in fact as the thought totally turns me off.  I don’t want to be slapped, choked, or spit on during sex.  I don’t want my nipples bitten, twisted, or pulled or my breasts mauled or squeezed.  I don’t think it’s erotic to be called a bitch, slut, or a whore because I’m none of those things.  Who’s my daddy? McKinley Scott was and he was altogether exceptional I don’t want or need another one.  While we are on the subject, I don’t want or need to be tied up, restrained, spanked, or disciplined.  I’m not a bad girl, I’m an amazing woman.  Don’t you dare hold my head when I’m going down on you or try to force your dick down my throat to make me gag or vomit or you might lose a nut . . . if you’re lucky.  There is nothing erotic about anyone forcing their entire hand in any of my orifices. .  I don’t want to have casual sex with someone who is undeserving of my body nor do I want to have sex in a public restroom or alley or some filthy, disgusting location.  Just the thought of having a train run on me, with multiple men using me like a piece of trash is repulsive.  What’s more than repulsive?  Whatever it is, multiply that times 1000. 

As much as I love a vigorous, enthusiastic, intense anal fuck, the only ATM I’m doing is Bank of America’s for cash withdrawals.  I don’t care what you read in 50 Shades, pain is not a motivator nor an aphrodisiac for me.   Don’t cum in my mouth unless I give you permission and until your dick squirts Lancome Absolue L'Extrait at $360 a pop, literally, don’t even think about shooting your cream on my face.  I’ve been raped.  It’s horrifying and violent, it’s not a secret fantasy.  I’m not going to wear 7 inch heels or some restricting, oppressive, costume and swing around on a pole to turn you on because I’m not an object or thing to be used for your pleasure.  Most importantly, no means no.  Stop means no.  Don’t means hell no.  My body is not a receptacle for you to pound out your anger, frustration, your low self-esteem, or even your recreational lust. 

I can’t tell you the exact number of women who love each and every one of those things but I’m sure it’s astronomical.   I can with some certainty tell you that the number of men who need to degrade women during sex is greater than the number of women who want and/or need it.  That’s cool for other people but I ain’t the one.  I don’t feel that being degraded makes sex hotter and I don’t want to be called names out of bed so why the hell would it be a turn on for me to be called names in bed?   I can see people’s eyes rolling around in their heads.  How dare I even suggest that I’m too good for those things!  I can hear people screaming at their screens that I’m denigrating others for their preferences.  No, I’m not.  I very clear that I don’t like those things but I have no need to dictate what anyone else should or should not like.  But, the common belief is surely that anyone who doesn’t like those things is a puritanical prude who only likes boring, vanilla sex, right?  Wrong!!!!   I simply don’t want or need any sort of shame, humiliation, pain, or subservience associated with any sort of sex I have. 

What I do have is a genetic predisposition to being loved, nurtured, pampered, cared for, and being passionately made love to.  I adore being pleasured until my eyes roll back in my head and the sheets are soaked with . . . all sorts of stuff.  I want to be licked and fingered and fucked after hours and hours of foreplay.  I want to massage, caress, and stroke every inch of skin my lover has and in turn have him do the same to me.  I’m not ashamed of my sexuality and I have no need for sex to be shameful, secret, taboo, or degrading for it to be arousing to me.  I am unapologetically in need of passion, intense intimacy, and communication as the only essential elements that will have me soaking wet and begging for more. 

Play with my nipples for hours, keeping me on edge until I’m begging for you to fuck me.   I love playing with toys mutually.  I love incorporating role-play and fantasies into sex.  I am aroused by exhibitionism with the person I love and I want to fuck like an animal until we both explode in a heap of spent love and lust and passion for one another.  I want to cum in my man’s mouth.  I want to be responsive to his needs and have him be responsive to mine as well as long as it’s with the understanding that sex is not about power for me.  I want to share all my dirty fantasies and secrets with him.  I want to be loved and made love to.  I want to be respected.  I want to be admired.  I want to be cherished and desired and fucked like a beast.  Lick my nipples softly and gently.  Rub my clit on the right side with my vibrator, listening to my moans grow louder and more intense until you know how to make me cum as well as I do.  Tease my wet pussy with your tongue, fingers, and dick and you’ll be rewarded with a mouthful of sweet, juicy creamy reward.  And when I am begging and screaming for it, when I have a crazed look in my eyes and I’m waking up the neighbors, FUCK ME.  Fuck me hard and steady and relentlessly until we cum in orgasmic fits of pleasure. 

Scottie Lowe
Copyright 2015 All Rights Reserved

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