Life is always giving us opportunities to grow and evolve, right? Ever the introspective one, I’m always attempting to look within, challenge my beliefs systems, and heal my wounds by being radically honest and self-aware. I had the opportunity recently to connect intimately with a potential partner. For several reasons, I decided that it was going to be several months before we had sex. Of course, there were times when I was hot and bothered and I rationalized how several weeks rather than months would be sufficient for our self-imposed abstinence. Of course, at times, I was so incredibly aroused I was willing to say, “To hell with weeks, days, hours, or minutes, I need you inside me NOW!” Calmer heads prevailed and we didn’t have sex. I’m fortunate that we didn’t because I subsequently learned that he was not anywhere near the quality and caliber of man that I was looking for in a partner and sex would have not only made me more intimately bonded to him, it also would have made it virtually impossible (or, more accurately, extremely difficult) for me to break that bond when he revealed his true, disingenuous colors. In our erotic exploration, however, I learned a few things about myself and my erotic needs.
I have a clear vision of what I want, crave, and need from a lover. AfroerotiK is not just my company, my brand, a vehicle for my writing, it is my philosophy. AfroerotiK is how I live my life. My lover, the man who will ultimately get to share my body in ways that few will ever tastes the pleasures of, is someone who does not feel the need to degrade me during sex. While I understand clearly that the prevalence of porn and women who have been socialized to be objects creates an almost understated forgone conclusion that women will want to be called a bitch, whore, and a slut during sex, that we will want to be pounded, slapped, and made to suck dick, gag, and willingly accept cum on our faces or down our throats and enjoy it, there are some of us, at the very least I am absolutely NOT aroused by or interested in any such treatment. That doesn’t mean that I need slow and gentle lovemaking with candles burning and Teddy Pendergrass playing every time in the background. I just need the simple acknowledgment that he understands that my body is a gift to him and that I don’t feel any arousal at being objectified, used, or humiliated. I love getting fucked. In fact, I adore the concept of my lover being so incredibly aroused that he is driven to fits of almost maniacal lust inside me. My lover will not need to spank, slap, restrain or call me names during sex. That means that I want him to see me as the special, unique, and wonderful woman I am. I cannot and will not tolerate being called names in the heat of passion in order to appease a male ego that needs to degrade women in order to feel arousal.
I desire a lover who understands well that intimacy, sensuality, and passion are intricately tied to lovemaking and that sex is an expression of spiritual and emotional communion and love as well as lust and desire. I need a lover who understands that making love is not just fucking slow. He will understand that the more time he takes to get me wet the more I will be willing to show my passion for him in virtually unspeakable and unthinkable ways. He will be willing to take his time to learn my body. And by take his time, I don’t mean 30 minutes of foreplay and dirty talk, I mean weeks if need be to understand what buttons to push to make me soak the sheets and wake the neighbors. I need a lover who will slowly, sensually, caress every square inch of my body in an effort to provide me with pleasure, not just a perfunctory, half-hearted massage that barely masks his thinly-veiled attempts to get to get directly to my pussy. The man who understands that my asshole needs slow, tender gentle attention in order to get to the fast, furious earth-shattering fucking that will come when he takes his time. I am not the first woman you fucked when you were 16 years old and what she liked is surely not what I will like. I need someone who can understand that my body is sensitive in ways that most other women’s is not and that biting, pinching and grabbing will not get me anywhere near the place where I’m begging to have a man inside me. Quite a few men would do well to learn how to give a good massage, not trying to squeeze and knead out tension like a sports therapist but to play my body like an instrument, coaxing it to arousal with soft caresses.
One of the traits that is essential for me in a man is his ability to control his lusts. If a man feels he must masturbate every day, look at porn every single day, then it’s apparent to me that he can only see sex as a physical outlet and that I am nothing more than a receptacle for his sperm, a masturbatory aide. Masturbation is healthy, it feels good, it’s a much needed release. Being unable to go a week or even two weeks without ejaculation is a sign of sexual immaturity and dysfunction. Yes, I fully understand that men tend to have higher sex drives than women and I’m almost sure I understand that what they feel is vastly different to the sensations I feel when I orgasm. That being said, however, a sexually mature individual is someone who can appreciate delayed gratification. I’m sure there are lots of men who are offended by the concept of me suggesting that their daily masturbation is somehow wrong. For them, perhaps it is not. For my potential lover however, it most certainly is. A man who is driven by his need to cum is a man who will lie, cheat, and manipulate in order to get sex. That man has absolutely NO chance of ever experiencing my body. I might add that there are some men who say that they never masturbate. I think I am to understand that they say that masturbation doesn’t feel as good as the real thing, that it’s not manly, or there is some biblical reason to abstain from self pleasure. Those are the very same men who will fuck anyone without standard or discrimination in order to get off. Needless to say, those men are not the men who will gain access to my sacred space either. Balance and maturity are the keys to my treasure.
My AfroerotiK lover is one who will use his lips, tongue, and mouth gently to explore every inch of my body. He will be willing to take the time to bathe my body, anoint me with oils and lotions, lick my pussy softly and sensually until I’m creaming in his mouth and begging for him to penetrate me. He will use his dick, not as a weapon to stab but as an vehicle of pleasure to drive me to fits of pleasure, orgasm, and ecstasy over and over and over again.
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