Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK. Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality. No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away. No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens. And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive. Scottie is putting everything on the table to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas. She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
But what if you are faithful and your partner cheats, how should you react? The cheater always assumes that the person cheated on should take the high road, they always act as if the person betrayed should just suck it up and walk away and they shouldn't show any emotion, they shouldn't show any anger, they shouldn't try to get revenge. Society in general is always quick to say that the betrayed shouldn't waste their energy on any sort of revenge, any sort of willful intention to hurt the person back.
But, is that really reasonable? If you have made love to someone, if you have shared your body, your secrets, your dreams, your fears with someone, if you have truly given your heart to someone, if your heart has been broken and your trust betrayed, even the most sane, reasonable person should be expected to feel extreme rage and anger when you discover that the person you were building a life with has decided that your feelings, that you mean nothing to them. In my mind, only an insane person would react with no reaction at all. That, to me, indicates, being so out of touch with your emotions that you are incapable of processing them.
Clearly, you shouldn't physically harm anyone but isn't that asking a lot of the human heart to not seek any sort of salve for your pain? I can think of no greater pain than being betrayed by your life partner. I think society's insistence that injured party just suck it up and hold their head up high with dignity . . . I'm pretty convinced that's extremely unhealthy. We are sentient beings and we are supposed to process our emotions, we are supposed to feel. The concept of letting an individual who has inflicted tremendous personal pain on their mate just walk away, not having learned a painful lesson, seems delusional to me. One of the reasons I think we are so unhealthy as a society is that we have this obsessive need to present fake images of perfection, facades of one-dimensional pictures that aren't realistic.
So, is burning all your mate's clothing acceptable? Is a lost wardrobe really that detrimental for the crime committed? Is going to his or her job and embarrassing them okay? If your cheating spouse is embarrassed, if they are humiliated by co-workers, is that something they won't be able to rebound from? Is outing them as a cheater to their friends and family acceptable? What about doing something to the person your partner was cheating with? Should they escape your wrath because it's socially unacceptable? Cheating, lying, betrayal should be unacceptable but it seems as if society is telling the victims of adultery that they should just suck it up and be the better person and their their perpetrators walk away with their own guilt as their only punishment. Where is the line? What is the appropriate, acceptable response when someone rips your heart out and steps on it?
Are we as a society so obsessed with pretending to be perfect that we've lost perspective of the fact that for every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction?
If you tell them you are unhappy, if you tell them that you don't want to be with them any more, if you are HONEST with them before you cheat, you will hurt their feelings but people can rebound from that. If you betray their trust, you have destroyed a part of their soul. Be mature. If you love sex with different people more than your family, more than your partner, don't bring anyone else down with your deception, lies, and betrayal. You might get a thrill sneaking, lying, and having sex in the back of your car but the consequences of your immaturity have lasting impact on more than just you.
If you're single, if you sleep with married people because you don't want an emotional commitment, you are the very definition of immature. You are hurting the spouse even if they don't know about you. You are hurting a family, a parent has to look in their children's eyes and lie about where they were and what they were doing. If you don't want someone cheating on you, don't be the person that someone cheats with.
There are more than enough single people who will have sex with you. If you have children and you think that staying with your spouse is better and cheating is better than leaving, you are a pretty shitty parent and your kids are much better off knowing that you are being honest, not lying, not cheating.
And if you have cheated in the past and you've gotten away with it, tell your partner/spouse. Why? Because it's the right thing to do. Because they deserve to know the truth so they can be informed. They can decide if they want to stay and try to work things out or they can decide if they want to leave. Information is power. Tell them because you should apologize sincerely for your immaturity and betrayal.