Pathological Truther

 I hate when people tell me that they never lie. Everyone lies.  Everyone lies all day, every day, for things they don't need to lie about. For the better part of 25 years or so, I've worked hard on telling the truth.  It's hard.  It takes effort and thought and diligence.  Everyone in this society lies so much that it's accepted.  

TV has people convinced that lying is difficult and you can always tell if someone is lying by looking at them because liars always stress out and you get nervous and start sweating.  "Hey, murderer pretending to be innocent, let us strap you up to this machine to see if you're lying."  

 

The truth is, people lie so easily it can't be detected.  

I lied last week.  I was talking to someone and I said, "And the reason I know that is . . ." In the short time it took for me to say the words, "And the reason I know that is," I had already calculated in my mind the pros and cons of telling the truth, weighed both options, I reasoned that the outcome would be less problematic if I lied, and I came up with a lie that sounded feasible and didn't miss a beat between the word is and the word because.  

I wasn't planning to lie. By that, I mean, I hadn't started out the conversation with the intention of lying.  I didn't even start out the sentence intending to lie. It wasn't like I had been anticipating the conversation for days and had rehearsed the lie in my mind.  Spur of the moment, at the speed of light, I made up a lie.

I performed at least 6 major thought processes in LESS than a fraction of a second.  

I later confessed and apologized for my lie.  It wasn't about anything big or major or personal.  I lied about HOW I knew that the race war had started already and the media just isn't reporting it.  I told him that I had a submissive white man who was a doctor who gave me the real deal.  LOL, that's dumb a dumb lie now that I think about it.  Why would a white doctor tell me about the efforts of white people to kill people of color?  I didn't want to say, "I'm the recipient of supranatural insights into the Universe." 

I came clean about the lie and the reason I lied.  

I had a few years out of the last 25 where I lied like average people.  I had found my old boss on Facebook.  I wanted to call her and tell her that I loved her.  I loved her in a way that was pure Divine love.  She was racist, horrible, and evil to me when I worked for her.  But she was part of the puzzle that, when put together, make Scottie the woman that she is today.  

I was stressed out and triggered by the concept of calling her and telling her that I wasn't rich and successful.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't call her and tell her that I was a broke struggling artist who writes erotic stories about Black people. 

That was just too much for me at the time. I felt like a loser.  I wasn't married.  I didn't have kids.  She met me when I was 21.  At close to 50, I wanted her to see me as a home-owning, conforming to societal rules but still creative, middle-class person.  I was ashamed of not being rich.  I was ashamed of being broke and unsuccessful.  I didn't even want to tell her that I had gone to grad school because I didn't want her to have more of a reason to judge me and think I'm a failure in life.  

For at least a full day before I called her, I stressed out over lying.  I figured out my lie and rehearsed it.  I was going to tell her was that I worked with my uncle and we had formed a business where he was a real estate agent and I designed and staged the houses. I had proposed that exact option to my uncle.  I have spent YEARS watching nothing but home improvement shows morning till night.  I used to pretend I had my own HGTV show and I may even had thought of a name of my pretend show. It was the best lie I could tell.  

I called my girlfriend to help me calm my nerves and help me rehearse.  I can almost feel the sensation now.  

I called my old boss.  I told my rehearsed lie, It went off smoothly.  I told her I loved her.  She did not respond or acknowledge me.  She asked me if I was going to come to NY to visit any time soon and that she wanted to see me before she died.  I lied and said maybe.  

The freaky part is, that lie, after that phone call, the floodgates opened, I started, "normal lying."  Normal lying is what what I refer to as the endless string of lies circumstances that recognize that everyone lies because they don't think of it as a lie. Lies do not have to be elaborate like the one I told, lies are a result of living in a society that makes us afraid of being judged.  Lies are the way your brain processes your fear of being judged.  

This society has brainwashed us to lie about everything because we live in constant fear of judgment from other people.  That fear causes people to lie about things that they absolutely don't have to lie about.  For about three years after that incident, I "normal" lied.  Every conversation I had consisted of me not paying attention to what other people said but rather I was anticipating how they were going to  judge me and what I could say to make myself look better to them.  I lied about the stupidest shit possible.  I wasn't abnormal, nothing was wrong with me.  Everyone lies.  

My grandkids made me stop lying again.  I'm on year three of trying to speak truth to power.  I have noticed that since 2021, I'm even more diligent about being honest and apologizing when I'm wrong.  

I remember when I was married a million and two years ago, I told my husband, the one thing I hate most is liars.  "If I can't trust you, we have no relationship."  I told him that if he ever felt unhappy in our marriage, tell me BEFORE he cheated so that we could work on being better or I could walk away with dignity. He didn't.  He cheated and he lied about it. He lied about everything. I thought, at the time, there was something wrong with him. I thought he had some sort of mental defect, like something had happened to him in his life to make him lie about having pizza for lunch when he had Wendy's. It feels like every fight that we had was because he lied.   He lied about everything all the time. 

I thought my ex-husband lied more than normal people.

Turns out, it's not that he lied more than normal people, turns out that I lie less than normal people.  

It's only just in the last few minutes that I just now realize he was normal.  He was normal and lying is normal.  People lie about everything because they fear being judged.  I judged him as some sort of mental illness that made him lie all the time.  My ah-ha moment!  I was viewing him through a lens of being all good or all bad.  

The last big, stressful rehearsed lie that I told, I told to my mother.  Turns out she saw me in the Tuesday other dimensional meeting and she knew I was lying the entire time.  

I cheated on my ex-husband.  It was . . . maybe two or three days  before our marriage ended in a blaze of adultery and pain.  The guy was a UPS driver.  It's possible he may have worked at the same hub as my husband. His name was  Scott and he had a really small dick and he fucked me in the ass in the living room of our condo.  Anyway, I never got a chance to tell my husband that I had cheated because the evidence of his years long affair came to light and my life fell apart.  

We communicated, my ex husband and I, with one another a few years ago.  I asked him why he had done some of the more hurtful things he'd done to me and his answer was, "I don't remember."  He felt guilty.  He thought I still hated him.  I haven't hated him in seems like decades.  

I weighed the option of telling him about my infidelity but there was no point after 30 years.  I would have no problem confessing and apologizing to him if we ever meet face to face again. He doesn't need my apology, I don't feel plagued with guilt.  I would simply like to restore the scales of truth to balance.  I told him that I had forgiven him years and years ago.   I did feel quite guilty for a long time because I cheated on him.  It was my only time cheating. I never cheated on my boyfriend before that. Ever since that time, I've never cheated and I've always lived my my own edicts. (Hmmm, will future generations know what the word integrity means?)

All four of the relationships I've had since my marriage ended have cheated on me.  Ehhh, Emmanuel wasn't really a relationship.  I suspect he cheated on his girlfriends to be with me but I'm not even sure about that. 

White women!  Your husbands are are low key disgusting.  I have dominated white men for 21 years.  I have no idea what percentage are married because white men lie.  But the ones who admit they are married, the ones who tell me that their wives have NO clue what sorts of things really turn them on, they are the ones who are the most deviant men on the planet.  They love to wallow in filth and depravity.  They lie, they lie, they lie, they expect me to believe their lies, they lie and lie and lie some more.  

My most memorable video call was with the married white dude who locked himself in the dog cage in chains and jerked off on the pile of dog turds that he had hidden the key in.  The depths of his depravity repulsed me.  He should not be allowed on the streets, he is a true danger to society. But he's more normal than the white man you see on TV, the one who never cheats and loves his wife.  He presents as a deacon in the church, a pillar of the community type dude and as a great dad and father.  He's not.  Trust me when I say, he absolutely is not.  He makes my flesh crawl.

That takes of lot.  I am not repulsed by men telling me that they are pedophiles, rapists, serial killers, or any other violent/criminal/sexual act. I have learned that our society is much darker than we understand and I acknowledge that far more people are driven by immoral, illegal, unethical, disgusting, disturbing sex than certainly the media tells us.  I've helped someone address their guilt over  his pedophile compulsion.  He is actually a sweet, wonderful man.  I really like him.  (Single).  

I don't see people as all good or all bad anymore.  I look for people who are self-aware.  Own your shit.  That's healthier than the people who deny their shit.  It's infinitely healthier than going out and degrading and castigating people who do things that don't even compare to what you do behind closed doors.  

I have a pleasant and civil relationship with a serial killer who is single and there are 4 or 5 married white men with whom I speak that make my flesh crawl.  To be honest, the single serial killer was far more honest and pleasant to talk to than the married white men who were probably serial killers as well and who just didn't tell me.  

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have masturbated to individuals whose behaviors, actions, and fantasies I find reprehensible but I'm aroused by their willingness to share with me their truth, to let me be their confidant. I'm not conflicted about it because I understand that far more people are dark than light. 

I am sexually aroused by the truth.  I find repulsive and repugnant white men who can confess and tell me their darkest thoughts and fantasies arousing because I'm aroused by white men's depravity.  That's my fetish:  White men's fuckedupness.

I've caught white men in lies and they SWEAR they are telling the truth, and eventually, the confess, sometimes after days of denial, and inevitably, in too many instances to count, after they've acknowledged that they had lied, after they confessed to lying and described to their misdeeds, in many instances they still go right back to asserting the same lie that they already confessed to.  They believe their own lies.  

The people who swear, "I'm not lying, I swear I'm not lying, What would I have to lie about?"  They're lying.  

I'm a pathological truther.  

And, to all those people who say, "I always tell the truth too," I'm going to gently suggest that unless you can show me physical proof: a blog post, a link to a podcast, an article you wrote, show me something that proves that you have spent time contemplating the truth and it's impact on our lives, you're lying.

Inextinguishable Flame

     I wrote this story in 2005.  It was, up until last night, one of the stories that was going to be published in my groundbreaking and seminal work, In Loving Color.  In Loving Color remains my artistic and creative pièce de résistance.  In Loving Color  is a coffee table book of erotic images and stories and it will be the foundation of a global erotic revolution, it will usher in a new age of Black Sexuality and how we communicate and relate to one another intimately and erotically  

This story was, for 15 years in fact, the most important story I've ever written.  It is one of only 2 or 3 stories I've ever written that is about me: the names have been changed to protect the innocent but the events NEVER happened.  This story was my healing salve, it was my hope for a brighter future with this man I loved but who was incapable of loving me in any sort of healthy way at the time.   

      "Elijah" and I have long since moved on.  He's married now and I pray he's happy.  I've been in a few relationships since I wrote this story.  I'm currently working hard to heal my issues and find love that is evolved, enlightened, and unapologetically  AfroerotiK. I think this story should be acknowledged and recognized for helping me believe in my own happily ever after but I don't want to hold on to the energy of attracting Elijah back into my life.  I decided that I'm going to write a new story for the book; one based on all that I've learned and how I've evolved in the past 15 years.  This story is beautiful.  I want to  share it with the world, with you, with the hopes that it can spark the dialogue needed to help us heal.  It is my prayer that you receive my story with the intent with which it was written.  Thank you sincerely and humbly for taking the time to share my world. 

There was a commotion outside Robbie Scott’s office at Nubian Entertainment.  She could hear the excited voice of her assistant getting more and more animated.  Robbie pressed the button on the intercom to inquire about the drama.  

“I’m terribly sorry Robbie but there’s a gentleman here who insists that you’ll want to see him.  He doesn’t have an appointment but he won’t take no for an answer.  I’m calling Security now so they can escort him out.”  

“Ebony, who on earth is it?”  Robbie had no clue who would be that anxious to see her as she stayed under the radar for the most part.  She coveted her privacy and nothing was going on in her personal or professional life that would warrant such urgency. Glancing at her calendar, she didn’t have any appointments so she was intrigued why anyone would be so insistent.

“He says his name is Elijah Ringer and that he’s an old friend of yours.”

For the briefest of moments, time stood still.  

It had been many years since Robbie had seen her old lover and arch nemesis.  Robbie sunk back in her leather chair and closed her eyes.  Her heart began to race and she felt that telltale jolt of electricity that was the standard Robbie/Elijah dynamic.  She was tempted to say that she was unavailable but before she knew it she said softly, “Please . . . uhmmm send . . . send him in,” the words catching in her throat like shards of glass.  

He closed the door behind him and stood across the expansive office, making intense eye contact with his piercing, expressive, dark eyes.  His face lit up and he flashed a smile that showed his enormous dimples.  Robbie stood to greet him and felt her knees weaken.  She silently cursed herself for her genetic weakness for this man as he approached her.  

“She’s quite a little firecracker.  Very protective.  That’s good.”  He moved closer to her.  “Well, well, well, Roberta Mae!  It’s good to see you.”  His voice sounded soothing to her soul as he walked slowly around her desk to embrace her.  “You aren’t going to hit me, are you?” he joked. He put his arms around her waist.  “Here, give me a hug,” and he pulled her close without her permission.  

Every nerve in Robbie’s body was alive with energy as she felt his hands on the small of her back.  “My 94 year old grandmother is the only one who is allowed to call me that, you know that, right,” she whispered semi-seductively in his ear. 

Elijah was in awe of the electricity that flowed through his body in the presence of his long-time friend and long-lost lover.  She fit into his arms perfectly and they stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity but what was only seconds.  There was a glitch in the time and space continuum and every sensation was as if they were transported back in time to practically 20 years earlier when they first became lovers.  He caressed her back and nuzzled his full lips against her neck.  

Sensing herself falling into a familiar pattern, Robbie pushed him away and invited him to sit down on one of the sofas that decorated her contemporary office with her characteristic Afrocentric flair.  She closed the blinds to prevent anyone’s prying eyes and the errant opportunity for the office gossip spreading all of her personal business to the tabloids.  Robbie sat with a lot of distance between them and her body language showed her discomfort.  She wasn’t even sure what to say.  

 The thing that made Robbie and Elijah so dynamic together was their ability to communicate verbally as well as non-verbally on a deep level.  They could finish each other’s sentences and talk for hours about deep philosophical issues.  They would approach a topic from opposite perspectives and both could be equally as articulate in their positions.  When the debate was said and done, they would make love passionately as if their mental sparring only spurred their passions.  Oddly enough, their downfall was their different ideas of what constitutes a relationship, their polar opposite dreams, goals, and objectives.  It never failed that they just couldn’t work things out between them.  It was the universe’s little practical joke on them.  

Content to make small talk, Robbie inquired, “What brings you to town?  What have you been up to?  How are the children?  You certainly look fantastic!”  Robbie had a string of questions intended to get a mental picture of what his life had been like since they had last seen each other.  Shortly after they parted not so amicably, Robbie’s career took off in ways she could have never imagined so much of her story was known to him.  She knew nothing of what had happened to him.  Elijah answered all her questions in the order they were given.  He had the need to create a comfort zone for her because the last time they had spent time together had been one filled with tension and animosity.  

“I’m here to seal a real estate deal and visit friends.  I’ve settled down extensively since the last time we spoke.  Would you believe that Craig is on his way to England to study abroad and Misha is in cheerleading camp as we speak?  I couldn’t be more proud of them.  But, how are you?  I’ve followed your meteoric success.  I always knew you would be phenomenally successful.  I’m very proud of you.”

“Yes,” she looked around her office and at the magazine covers with her image on them that decorated the walls and little statuettes from various academies in recognition of her extraordinary screenwriting efforts.  “I’m doing a little better today than I was the last time I saw you when I was crashing at your place with $10.00 to my name and an idea for a movie.  I’ve done okay for myself.  I owe you for your hospitality and sharing your home with me when I was penniless.  What can I do to repay you?”  Her voice trailed off, reflecting on the way things ended with them: the anger, the hostility, the disappointment that she could never be the type of woman he needed her to be, and the pain of betrayal when he replaced her with multiple lovers in the time span of hours after she’d gone.  

Elijah was calm as he made it very clear that he wanted absolutely nothing from her in repayment. He could see the pain on her face and he felt consumed with guilt. “You don’t owe me anything.  In fact, it’s me who owes you.  I owe you an apology for the things I’ve done, for the way . . .” Now, it was his time for his voice to trail off.  Robbie, without thinking, reached out to touch his hand and she moved closer.  He regained his composure and he continued.  “You look beautiful.  I’ve never seen you look more radiant.”  

For the first time in years, Robbie saw the look in his eyes of a man that was taken with her.  It was a bittersweet sensation because she had longed for that look for so many years, she’d craved his affection and he withheld it for so long, preferring women with high maintenance demeanors to her decidedly low maintenance aesthetic.  Even with her newly acquired wealth, she was still erring on the side of simplicity, choosing to wear understated Afrocentric attire and still sporting her signature low haircut, only now she just had visible strands of gray she wore proudly.  Her body was still the same, if not better, and she hadn’t aged a day, in fact, she might have looked younger than when he last saw her, good living having its benefits and all.  

Elijah had changed his appearance drastically and he’d never looked better either.  His husky frame was gone.  He was in the shape of a man half his age and dressed in a sophisticated style of urban chic clothing but most striking was his carriage and demeanor.  He had an air of peace and serenity that seemed to ooze from his being and that filled the space around him. 

“I’m very sorry about your loss.  I wanted to send my condolences but I figured I would be the last person you wanted to hear from at the time.  I can only imagine that it’s very difficult having your life in the news at a time like that.  Know that you were in my prayers the entire time,” he said solemnly.  

Robbie looked at the family photo that sat on the coffee table of she and her late husband and their three children.  “You know, I’m at peace now.  He loved me in a way that I’d only dreamt about.  We had three of the most beautiful children in the world and for that I’m infinitely blessed.  He’s all around me, supporting me and loving me without the hindrance of his body.  A year ago, I thought I was going to die, but now, I know joy for having had the experience that most women can’t even imagine.  We had a wonderful, magical fairytale for our lives.”  

Robbie sat silently and reflected on the tragic demise of her late husband, Jason Vancouver, the famed director.  There had been an uprising in Sudan while they had been there doing research for a film.  Jason was doing a documentary on the Sudanese Liberation Movement/Army in Darfur and the acts of genocide that had taken place there.  Robbie was there to lend her assistance and document the stories and take oral histories from the victims while Jason was in the trenches, interviewing soldiers and government officials and radical dissidents.  Insurgent forces had been expanding their territory.  Jason got wind that there was to be an all out revolution and he made plans for he and Robbie to leave the country, fly to Europe, and then home to the States.  They were past the checkpoints and waiting for a flight at the airport when a soldier questioned Jason’s papers one last time.  There was a struggle for the film and Jason got hit in the head with the butt of a rifle and died three days later, never regaining full consciousness.  The government’s official account was that Jason ran into the rifle and his death was to be considered an accident.  Clutching the film, Robbie had to be smuggled out of the country in the false bottom of a pickup truck.  

Robbie’s three children were the reason she kept on living.  Their oldest child, Jamie, was adopted.  He was born deaf and he joined them when he was 6 years old.  At 12, he was one of the most brilliant children ever, hearing impaired or not.  His strength, love and insight helped Robbie make it through the darkest of nights.  Their middle child was actually Jason’s son from a previous relationship.  Tefari’s mother had died during childbirth in a freak complication that was far too common for women of color in a supposed first-world nation.  Robbie had known Tefari since he was two years old and she was, for all intents and purposes, the only mother he had ever known.  Their youngest was Daddy’s little girl, Malika, a child born to Robbie and Jason that made him more proud than any other accomplishments in his life.  

Coming back to the moment, Robbie commented, “You told me a long time ago that I would find the one, and I most certainly did.  I’m incredibly blessed for having been loved in that way.” 

Elijah leaned over; time stood still.  He tilted her face to his and said, “All I’ve ever wanted was your happiness and it does my heart good to know that you found it.  My only regret is that I wasn’t the man who could be what you were looking for.”

Robbie got visibly upset and stood quickly. Coughing and clearing her throat to distract him from the fact that she was a hot mess, a hot damn mess. “Well.  Alrighty then.  I have to get back to work, it was nice seeing you.  Do be sure to look me up when you are in town again.  Maybe we’ll do lunch.”

Elijah realized he had overstepped his boundaries and he apologized as he made his way to the door.  The relationship between the two of them had been full of pain and heartache, mostly because of his lying and manipulative ways.  Relationship really wasn’t the best word to describe what they had shared; it was better described as a tumultuous, fucked-up, more off than on, clash of wills. 

 Elijah had taken great pains to make sure that he fed Robbie with the bullshit needed to keep her in his life for very short periods of time and alienate her for very long periods of time when he tired of her and had found someone else to entertain him.  He took even greater pains to make sure that she remained in the status of fuck buddy and nothing more, never girlfriend, never even really lover because that would imply some level of commitment and/or respect.  Elijah loved himself.  He loved the way Robbie made him feel.  Sexually of course, they were compatible but Robbie was different mentally, emotionally, she was fare more intellectual and political than 99% of the women he usually dated, the ones that deserved the title of girlfriend in his eyes.  Robbie wasn’t like anyone else he knew and he couldn’t describe or even understand himself what kept him tied to her.  She was a challenge to him for sure.  He didn’t want to be with her but he needed her to be strung out over him so she could be there to stroke his ego, and his swollen member, whenever he was in the mood for their particular brand of deep, cerebral, intellectual exchange.  

Robbie, on the other had, had always held out hope that the two of them would somehow be able to work out their differences and form this fabulous bond.  She knew deep in her heart that he was using her but she thought he was masking a greater fear he had inside, the fear of being vulnerable, of being hurt.  For almost a decade, throughout all the drama and lies, it was her belief that she could help heal him from a terrible pain he held inside, an unpaid karmic debt of callous manipulation and deception he had earned from living and breathing every day as a Black man in a land that despises them, and then they would finally come together to share this magical, transcendent love.  After she’d cried too many tears, after she’d ached inside too many times, she realized that only Elijah could heal Elijah, and only after she realized that she needed to heal herself was when she made the decision to move on.  Within a year of cutting the emotional ties that bound them so intricately and dysfunctionally, while she was working on her first film, she found and married a man that was everything she had ever hoped for and more.  

Elijah apologized again and stood in silence as he saw Robbie in a light that he’d never seen her before.  The years apart had transformed him and now he could see a reflection of himself in her.  It wasn’t her new wealth and status, she was far too down to earth and he had evolved past his need to have a woman that was some sort of status symbol on his arm.  Standing in her office that day, he saw her with his veil of illusion lifted and beheld a magnificent thing of beauty personified in Robbie.  It was her integrity and insight, her uncompromising dedication to create social change and a relentless and undying ability to love that made her so breathtaking.  He saw her that day as a sista with unparalleled integrity and a mother of a movement to educate and enlighten.  She walked him to the door and they hugged again briefly before he turned to leave.

He held the doorknob in his hand before he turned it to leave and asked without turning back, “Are you seeing anyone?”  

“Well, uhmmm . . . Yes . . . actually, I’ve just recently started dating again and I’ve met someone very nice.  We’re in the beginning stages of course but I like everything I see so far.”  

Elijah looked back and said, “He’s a very lucky man.  And be sure to let him know that if he ever messes up, he’ll have to answer to me.”  

They smiled at each other and she turned her back to him and walked back to her desk.  She heard the door close as she had to practically grab for her desk to keep from falling.  She hated lying about seeing someone but she had to protect her heart.  She had spent way too many sessions on a therapist’s sofa trying to figure out why she had tolerated Elijah’s emotional abuse and their co-dependent, unhealthy relationship.  She was not, under any circumstances, going to allow herself to fall back into that same pattern again.  While he seemed different, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was different herself.  She had known love, true love, and there was no way in heaven or hell that she was going to let even the hint of Elijah Ringer back in her life to bring more pain.  

Nubian Entertainment had grown from a small movie production company to a huge, mega million dollar corporation overnight.  Well, only if overnight can be defined as the better part of 7 years Robbie spent pounding the pavement and banging on doors begging for someone, anyone to give her a shot at making an atypical movie about Black love.  With an Oscar nod on her first film under her belt, Nubian began producing some of the most exceptional and groundbreaking Black-written, directed, produced, and acted top-grossing films and TV shows ever.  It was a classic rags-to-riches story for the books, coming from nowhere and blossoming into a powerhouse in the entertainment industry.  The fact that it was headed up by a woman who was outspoken and controversial, becoming notorious based on the fact that she was such an uncompromising creative genius and housed in the consciousness of an activist and with the mind of an Ivy league professor was the real kicker.  

It all started with a screenplay that Robbie had written that was an outlet for her about her relationship with Elijah.  It touched the heart of people everywhere.  Black women adored the sentiment and the brutal honesty about things that had never been said before and brothas used the movie to spark much needed dialogues about the role of Black men in relationships and feelings and shit that Black men are never allowed to discuss lest they expose some vulnerability.  White people loved it too.  They were fascinated by the peek into Black culture that wasn’t normally represented in the media; it was eye-opening to them to see so many articulate and educated Blacks displaying aspects of themselves that weren’t ghetto and stereotypical.  Well, that and the hot and steamy sex scenes didn’t hurt either.  

From there, everything Robbie touched turned to gold.  There was buzz that she was on her way to becoming the next Oprah, with rumors of her own talk show, books, a record label, the possibilities were endless. 

For days following their encounter, Robbie would be startled by the phone every time it rang; secretly hoping it was Elijah, cursing herself for wanting it to be him at the same time.  Soon enough, relatively at least, she had settled back into her routine with the tentative assurance that he had slipped in and out of her life without incident.  She should have known better given their history but she was hoping against hope that the dynamics had changed.  She was not to be that lucky. 

As time went on, she put Elijah in the back of her mind and went about her business.  Robbie was meeting with a location scout to look at locations for a movie set.  They needed a hotel for a set that could be transformed into one of the Harlem Renaissance for a long-awaited and controversial movie about Langston Hughes.  They had narrowed down the choices to the top three and it was a day trip to see the actual locations with the director to scope angles.  The second hotel they saw was a newly renovated hotel that was yet to be re-opened for business.  The Director was in love with it the second he walked through the doors.  Robbie looked over the specs and was comfortable with the cost.  She called the contact number for Red River Reality to see if they could send over a contract immediately.  

The person on the other end of the phone answered “This is Elijah, how can I help you today?”  Robbie almost dropped her phone and she felt her stomach turn. 

“Ringer!”  She was furious.  “How the hell did you work this out?”  She was pissed off and had the familiar feeling that she had been manipulated yet again.

“Calm down Rob, relax.  You know, it’s amazing what sort of information Ebony will drop if you ply her with Godiva and a gift certificate to Moshood.  All I did was submit my location through the proper channels.  I was taking a chance it would be right for what you needed.” 

Robbie hung up the phone, fuming mad and ready to fire Ebony on the spot.  First, she tried to convince the director to consider another location but that was not going to happen.  She told the location scout to handle all the details for this aspect of the shoot.  She walked outside and realized she was being nothing less than irrational.  She took a deep breath and headed back to her office.  

She had calmed down considerably by the time she had walked past Ebony’s desk so she was no longer tempted to tell her to pack her things and go.  She knew how persuasive Elijah’s dimples and eyes could be.  It was all good, the film had gotten the perfect location and there was no harm done.  She had resolved to herself that it was all innocent business deal that Elijah had engineered with no ulterior motives whatsoever.  The plan was that she was going to call him back immediately and offer an apology.

That plan would have worked too if there hadn’t been four dozen calla lilies on her desk when she opened the door.  She read the card that said, “Ebony also spilled the beans that there is no man in your life . . . yet!  Love, E.”  

Robbie had no choice but to laugh.  They flowers were her favorite and it was the first romantic gesture that Elijah had ever made towards her.  She called him back to thank him for the flowers and apologize for her earlier rudeness and he answered the phone by saying, “Go out to dinner with me tonight.”  

“You arrogant son of a bitch,” she said as sweetly as those words could be said.

“Yeah, so I’ll pick you up at seven?  Does that sound good to you?”  He was obviously not going to take no for an answer.

“Did Ebony give you my address as well?” 

“She sho’ did.  You really need to reprimand her about that.  Good help is so hard to find  See you at seven then.”

     She was flattered by the effort he made but she was cautious that his new attention had a lot more to do with her financial portfolio than his genuine feelings for her.  It’s a lot easier to love a person who has millions than someone who can only afford to eat Ramen noodles every other day for sustenance.  Just like days of old, she wanted to believe in him.  She wanted to have faith in the connection that they had shared and she wanted to believe that he had feelings for her from a place that was deeply encoded in their DNA, a bond they shared since the minute they laid eyes on one another what seemed like a thousand years ago.  Once she had come to the realization that Elijah’s selfish motives all those years ago were truly malicious, a part of her love for him died.  It was a part of her heart that had to remain dead lest she be faced with the same hurt all over again.  She told herself that it would be one dinner; she would prove to herself that she was strong enough to resist the ineffable connection and let him leave her life on friendly terms rather than the hurt and pain that had been typical for them for so many years.  

     He was prompt when the concierge called and announced his arrival and let him up.  She made him wait a few minutes and emerged wearing a little black dress that worked to show off every bit of her personally-trained body.  Elijah held a single calla lily and extended it to her as he kissed her on the cheek gently.  He prayed a silent prayer that he would be able to communicate everything he wanted to say as they headed off for the restaurant.  

     It’s funny that all those years earlier he had been searching for a woman that was the center of attention and here he was with a woman that commanded more attention than any woman he had ever dated.  It wasn’t because she was rich, famous, and beautiful; although there was no denying that fact, it was because she was an outspoken activist and natural born leader dedicated to shattering the negative and stereotypical depictions of African Americans.  Elijah realized how incredibly blessed he was to have had such an amazing woman in his life at all and knowing that she had given her love to him freely, even though he didn’t deserve it at the time, was enough to humble him to silence once again.  Now, the only thing he sought in a partner was that level of comfort and acceptance she had shown him all those years ago.  He sought the pure and innocent love he had known from Robbie that he so heartlessly discarded in the past that held a higher vision for him when all those around him fed into his illusions.

     As they ordered dinner, he began the tale of his transformation.  When they last saw each other, Elijah was on a path of self-destruction and fast.  “Rob, I was out of control at that stage in my life and it seemed like every time I tried to run from my truth you were there asking me to look inside myself.  Every time you tried to make me be introspective, I struck out at you, I hated you for it.  I pushed you away all those times because I didn’t know how to deal with me, how to come clean emotionally.  I didn’t even think I had emotions truth be told.  I thought emotions were chick stuff.”  

     “After you left my place . . . I mean like when your movie came out, I was so pissed at you I didn’t care if I saw you again ever in life.  I had spent weeks telling everyone I knew that you were my friend and how you had written your movie while you were staying with me.  Then when I saw that you had called me out as a playboy and a liar in the flick, I called you every bitch in the book and went on damage control convincing all my friends who suspected that the guy in the movie was actually me that you were a lunatic and that I never had any feelings for you.  You were dead to me from that point on; I didn’t care if I saw you ever again in life.”  

     He continued, “I hate to admit it but your depiction of me in the movie was accurate.  Truth is, I was chasing so many women; I was lying to all of them, never giving myself completely to any of them.  I wouldn’t even admit the truth to myself.  In my defense, I was so oblivious to how destructive my life was because I didn’t know any other way.  In my mind and in my heart, I saw the world as flawed and I was the only person that got it right.  I had constructed this complex set of rules and I was confident that they held the key to the universe, never once imagining that they were the reason I was hurting deep inside.  You couldn’t have told me that anything was wrong with me because I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a good Black man and that I had no role in creating pain in anyone else’s life.  I didn’t even realize that I was creating pain in my own life with my behaviors.  Lying came so natural to me that I didn’t even know how to be completely truthful with anyone, let alone myself.  I never felt whole inside so I would lead women down this path of pretending to be everything they wanted and then blame them when they fell for the empty façade.”  

     “I had a lot invested in maintaining my persona of perfection.  I mean I was the one that everyone would come to for advice because I was supposed to be so together.  I would council people and preach about the evils of everyone else and never let on that I was guilty of the exact same things I would admonish other people for.  I had everyone convinced I was wise and had nothing but sensible advice, even myself, but there was something nagging inside me that knew the truth.  I would console women about how they needed to let go of these married and cheating men in their lives and I was dating married women left and right, getting a thrill from it, never having to be emotionally available to them.  I was pursuing women, cheating on them and all the while telling them that I was a reformed cheater and how men who cheated were less than scum.  I’ve lived a foul, double life that I’m not proud of.”  

     He went on in what was obviously a semi prepared speech to get everything off his chest.  “There were so many pregnancies and abortions and paternity tests, HIV tests that I should have taken but didn’t, there were so many tears and broken, bitter women everywhere I turned.  Every time I would come out of another drama, I would swear that I would never let it happen again; I was convinced I was choosing the wrong women.  Real talk, I was convinced all women were damaged; I didn’t see women as whole human beings, I saw them as things to entertain and please me.  I would promise myself to be even more emotionally unavailable to women, thinking that would protect me even more.  The women I loved didn’t love me, they used me and I played into it because I equated love with abuse.  The women that loved me I didn’t know how to love and I took advantage of what they gave me.”

     “I’ve hurt so many people but the person I hurt the most was you.  I took pleasure in hurting you on some level because you loved me the most.  At the time, I wasn’t even self-aware enough to know that I was doing it but in retrospect, I can honestly say that I was afraid of you because you saw parts of me that no one else had ever seen.  You knew my secrets and you still loved me.  You saw a picture of me from angles no one else even knew existed.  Every time you saw through my pretenses, you still loved me.  I resented you for that because I couldn’t love myself at the time and wanted you to feel as much hurt as I felt deep inside.  I think back on how supportive you were of me and I treated you like shit.”

     “Rob, I want to admit to you now that I’ve lied to you so much that it’s beyond your comprehension.  I’m so sorry.  I won’t blame you if you never forgive me and I will accept that as my punishment but I’m here to tell you that I’m so sincerely sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.  I thought that not telling you the entire truth wasn’t the same thing as lying.  I thought my lies were protecting you from hurt and crying which in turn protected me from feeling guilty.  I want to come clean and tell you the truth about everything but it would be too much to list.  Everything you suspected was a lie really was and I just denied it with arrogance and would find perverse pleasure in telling myself that you were stupid for believing me.  I calculated everything, every single solitary thing I said to you.  It was like I was an actor playing myself in a play; everything was scripted for a purpose and that purpose was to ease my pain and get my dick wet and to hell with you or anyone that got hurt along the way.  I was masterful at pretending to be everything to everyone and I was denying who I was inside to myself.”

     “The only thing that was real, I promise you, was when I came to you in love, to make love, when I craved that connection.  I can swear to you that I was emotionally honest when I was inside you, and that scared the hell out of me.  At the time, I tried to tell myself that you just had some bomb ass pussy but I know now that I was drawn to that feeling of safety and security and love in those moments like I’ve never experienced before or since.  You created that space where I could let down my guard and be myself and feel real intimacy.  There was truth in that passion and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I didn’t feel deserving of that feeling and I pushed you away to avoid dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy.  Yes, I can admit to using you but know that I experienced more love and bliss in those moments than you can imagine.  Your touch made me whole; your mouth was like heaven, being inside you was my sanctuary.  Roberta Mae Scott, if you know nothing else in life, know that the earth goes around the sun, know that E=Mc2, and know that I’m being truthful about the fact that I genuinely loved our connection.”

 

     Elijah wanted to go on with his confessions but he also wanted to make sure that Robbie was not on overload either.  Neither of them had touched their food and it was cold by now.  Robbie was listening intently, trying to take it all in and process it.  She was trying to be fully present and hear everything he said but she kept thinking of when she could call her best friend the second she got home.  Khadijah had been there for her since the first day of the Elijah Ringer relationship/tragedy, every step of the way, calling him every black mother fucker in the book when he would do something stank and drying Robbie’s unnecessary tears.  Robbie had failed to tell her about Elijah coming back into her life recently because she was sure she would catch holy hell for even speaking to him.  Robbie was half tempted to discretely reach in her purse and call Khadijah and let her listen to all of Elijah’s revelations live or at least record him so she wouldn’t have to try to recollect them at 1 in the morning but she didn’t want to betray his truthfulness either.  

     “Thank you for your honesty,” she said.  “I’m curious, what brought about this magical and alchemical transformation?  How do I know this is not just a monologue in the Elijah play to manipulate me again?  And what exactly is it that you want from me?  What’s the purpose of all of this?”  

     He signaled for the check and to take the food with them.  Once outside, he walked over to two homeless men and handed them the doggie bags of food.  He knelt down to actually speak to them.  He returned to Robbie’s side and apologized for his very brief absence.  She made a mental note of how his behaviors had changed because the Elijah of old that she knew would have just as soon spit on homeless people let alone given them the $100 meal he had just purchased and not touched.  He signaled for a horse-drawn carriage to take them through Central Park and told the driver to take his time.  

     He held her hand as she climbed in the carriage and for a brief second, they shared that magical connection again.  He placed his arm around her shoulder and they rode in silence for a few minutes.  He leaned over and kissed her for the first time in years and it was possibly more magical than any other kiss that they had ever shared.  It was tender and beautiful and Robbie kissed him back without fear or trepidation for reasons that weren’t even apparent to her.  His hands found his way to her soft thigh and he could feel the signs of his arousal beginning.  Robbie closed her eyes and her erect nipples could be seen through the material of her dress.  Elijah pulled back, not wanting to back out of the most important part of his confession at this late hour.  He began again with his taxicab confession.  

     “I wish I could tell you that I woke up one day and had this grand epiphany that made me change my ways.  I can’t even form my lips to tell you that lie.  I was as happy as a clam, or so I thought.  When they say ignorance is bliss, they ain’t bullshitting, I’m here to testify.  I was content in my fucked up reality and didn’t think there was a damn thing in the world wrong with me.  Boy did I get a wake up call.  I went on vacation about five years ago to Ghana and little did I know it was going to change my life forever.”  I felt a connection to a slave past there that was unlike anything I’ve ever read about, heard about, anything I’ve ever seen in any movie. It was like a hum, a vibration that allowed me to see into the past and how the pain my ancestors endured created the cycle of irresponsibility and lies in my life. It scared me.  I was so used to cutting off my emotions, denying I even had any, that I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling.”

I sat on the beach a lot, just staring out into the ocean, hoping the waves would wash away my pain.  It was the pain of my entire lifetime, everything that I had ever suppressed; it was the pain of every African that had ever passed through those god damn slave castles, and I was connected to it all somehow.”

Taking a deep breath, he said, “This man came up to me and sat right down next to me.  He asked me my name and told me that his name was Brother Ishmael Tettah.  I opened up to him in ways that I had never opened up to anyone before, a total stranger.  He listened, really listened without any judgment.  Before I knew what was happening, I was crying like a baby and he was holding me and hugging me right there on the beach.  I had never experienced that sort of loving touch from another man before.  It was like a father loving their child. I didn’t even know how to process it.  He told me that he could help me understand and heal all my pain.”        

     “He proceeded to tell me about myself in ways that I knew were impossible for him to know.  He told me about the pain I felt deep inside from not having a father, from having an emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother, from all the foul behavior that I had done to women.  It was as if he knew my story without even knowing me.  He told me it was time for me to ascend to my true role in life, and that I could no longer hide behind the veil of mediocrity.  He told me that I was on earth to be greater than I had allowed myself to be.”

Elijah stopped to see if Robbie was still with him.  She was hanging on his every word.  He went on.  “He told me that he had a place I could go for healing if I wanted to and before I knew what was happening, I was calling my job and telling that I wasn’t coming back as planned and that I couldn’t say exactly when I was going to be home.  I stayed in that place for six weeks, Rob, never leaving his side except to go back to the hotel and pack my things.  I spent the next month and a half initiated into a spiritual world that I hadn’t even known existed.  He taught me to feel the pain of my past and move through it, he taught me to access that place within me where I could forgive others and myself of all the things I thought I had done wrong and see that I was only doing what I was capable of with the fucked up tools I’d been given.  He opened my eyes to a perspective where I could see myself in everyone and everything.  He taught me what it was to be a man and how that didn’t have anything to do with the ridiculous rules I’d been perpetrating as truth, manhood had nothing to do with the distorted gender roles European men brainwashed us to believe were spiritual truths.  Manhood didn’t have a damn thing to do with fucking women which I would have said was the #1 reason at the time.”  

     “Brother Ishmael Tettah and the Etherean Mission took me to other realms, helped me find my vision and my voice.  The courses that others took months to learn I learned in hours.  He tutored me privately, showing me things that were impossible, and I mean im-fucking-possible.  I was enmeshed in rituals and ceremonies that took me from pain to power, taught me forgiveness, gave me freedom from fear, I released anger, and I gained the gift of gratitude.  I cried tears I didn’t know I could cry.  I boo hoo’d like a baby until there were no more tears to cry, until all the pain had been released.  I died there, Robbie, the old Elijah Ringer didn’t come home from that trip.  My life was literally transformed and I couldn’t go back to the way things were.  I was petrified to leave but at the end of my time there, he told me that it was my time to go and that I had everything I needed to fulfill my mission in life.  He told me that in order to fulfill my purpose in life I had to reconnect with my twin flame, my divine right partner and to learn how to love completely in order to truly be all that I could be.  He told me to go and continue to refine myself, he told me to work with due diligence on continuing to let spirit lead me to my true role as leader.”  

“Fast forward to today.  I’ve spent the last five plus years of my life in meditation and prayer, reading, studying martial arts, fasting, silencing my mind and raising my vibration to gain dominion over my universe and working like a Hebrew slave to occupy my time and ignore my loneliness.  I feel immense solitude at times because the things that amused me before seem trivial; the people I used to associate with are no longer vibrating on my level.  I’m working really hard to live up to my full potential and I’m just now grasping that it might be bigger than even I had previously imagined.”

     The carriage pulled up in front of Robbie’s building and they got out.  They stood staring in each other’s eyes for a moment.  Robbie was in a daze, not really sure she understood everything he was saying but feeling a certain peace that passeth understanding.  He pulled her in his arms and said, “Robbie, do you remember when we were sitting on my sofa and we were arguing about some stupid shit and I told you that I KNEW we had a greater purpose to fulfill.  I promised you on the day that we would reunite that we would become greater than we could ever be apart.  Today is that day, Robbie.  I’ve always told you that you would be in my life forever.  I’ve lost too many years and I’m not going to lose another second.  I love you.  You are my other half, without you I can't be all that I’m supposed to be.  Our love was gifted from God.  I’ve waited, not knowing how or when we would get back together simply knowing that the Creator would orchestrate our lives so that we could be reunited and live out our true purpose together.  I’m not complete without you and you aren’t complete without me.”

     Robbie pulled away and ran into her building, her eyes full of tears, not uttering a word.  Elijah stood stoic in the warm night air, empty and dejected, as he watched her crying form running away.  He was wracked with guilt for causing the woman he loved pain once again. 

The carriage driver said it all, “Damn bruh, you fucked up!”  

He got the notice the next day that the contract for the location was cancelled and Ebony had gotten a new set of balls and refused to let his calls through or tell him anything.  Elijah decided to finish up his business deals head back home with his well-deserved pain.  If it was even a fraction of the pain that Robbie had felt for all those years, he was ashamed for his part in perpetuating that intensity of agony.  He’d done all that he knew how to do and he was sure of one thing, that they had a mission to fulfill and this wasn’t the end of them.  

     The next morning Robbie had Ebony track Elijah down and find out where he was staying.  She went to his hotel with every intention of giving him a piece of her mind.  She knocked on the door and he answered, catching her completely caught off guard.  He was in a towel, fresh from the shower and in the midst of packing his things to leave.  His heart leapt in his chest when he saw her standing in the doorway.  He scrambled to put some clothes on to be respectful.  Robbie stopped him, assuring him that she would only be there a few minutes, and that she wanted to get a few things off her chest and she would be leaving.  He sat on the foot of the bed for what he was sure to be a severe  tongue lashing that he deserved.  

     Robbie unleashed her anger.  “How dare you imply that you and I are supposed to be together!  You have never given me anything but pain and heartache.  Jason loved me.  Jason never once tried to make me feel bad about myself, ridicule me, or disregard my feelings.  Jason cherished me and lifted me up to be the best I could be.  You have admittedly done nothing to me but lie and emotionally abuse me.  You disrespect me and the memory of my husband with all your bullshit about how you and I are meant to be together.  Fuck you!  I found my soul mate in my lifetime; you most certainly are NOT him.  You could never love me the way Jason did and I resent you for all that you’ve done to me in the past.  I resent you for your arrogance thinking that you can come in my life and tell me some cock-a-maimie story about how much you’ve changed.  I will not fall for your sob story.  You can kiss my entire black ass, all of it, ALL OF IT, if you think for one mother-fucking minute that I don’t recognize your game.  You know what Elijah Ellis Ringer, you have a nice life and play your games on some other woman cuz I ain’t the one.”  Robbie felt herself flush with an anger she hadn’t felt in years and emotionally drained but relieved she had spoken her mind.  “Fuck you,” she muttered under her breath as she turned to leave.

     Elijah’s eyes filled with tears and stayed focused on the floor.  Robbie put her hand on the doorknob, stopping for a second to regain her composure and focus her eyes through her own tears.  She heard his voice before she could make out the words that he was saying.  

     She turned and Elijah stood before her.  This was it.  This was the moment he had been preparing for for years.  This was the moment he had to let go of the rehearsed scripts and speak truth to power.  He pulled her close and whispered in her ear.  “Roberta Mae, I’m not claiming to be a perfect man and I know I’ve done you terribly wrong.  I don’t want to replace Jason in your life; I just want to be what you’ve always wanted me to be.  I’m asking for your forgiveness and a chance to start from scratch.  Isis, I’m begging you to look deeply in my eyes and see that I am your beloved Osiris; you’ve resurrected me anew with your faith and your love.  You saw me as I am now before I even existed.  Forgive me my trespasses and open your heart to the man that I am today.  Give me a chance to prove my love for you.  Let me be a sounding board when you want to vent your frustrations.  Let me work to pamper and spoil you in the places I caused pain and heartache previously.  I give you my word I will be truthful and faithful to you out of respect for my love for you.  I will let you have the right to make your decisions about us based on honesty.”  He pulled her closer and kissed her passionately.  

     She pushed him away and tried to leave again but she was frozen in her tracks.  She didn’t want to go.  She was caught up in a whirlwind of electricity and emotions and deep in her gut, she wanted to stay and have him make love to her like they’ve never experienced before.  She had never stopped loving him, loving the brilliant, wonderful man that would reveal himself to her in those cherished moments that they’d shared alone.  She always wanted to love the exceptional man that she knew he could be.  She’d prayed all those years ago for the day when Elijah would be emotionally available and willing to pursue a relationship with her and it was here.  She had a choice to make, to decide if she would hold onto pain from the past or to accept this new Elijah, a truly new and improved version of the man she once loved, who now seemed to possess all of the things she was looking for in a partner.  She’d loved Jason with an all-encompassing love but her love for Elijah was equally as strong and powerful, yet different.  She knew she couldn’t deny that fact any longer and she looked in his eyes, this time with forgiveness, compassion, and genuine feelings of love in her heart.  

     In that moment, Elijah was aroused in a way that seemed to defy conventional wisdom.  He was aroused not because of lust but because of love.  He took her hand and put it on his towel and let it fall to the floor.  His dick stood out from his body proudly as she moved her hand instinctively to touch it.  He closed his eyes and let out a moan; her touch was perfect for him, she knew exactly how to caress him and he relished the sensation he hadn’t experienced since the last time they’d made love.  She stroked it softly, gripping it with the perfect pressure, using her fingers to coax the skin up and down and massaged the head with skill.  He was standing up but his legs felt shaky.  He was unsure of the next move he should make so he let her do her thing.  They maintained an intense eye contact as she softly stroked his erection and his breathing became more and more erratic.  She took hold of his balls and gently rolled them in her fingers and she knew she was taking him to his point of no return.  She leaned forward and licked his nipples softly and his knees really did buckle.  She increased the pressure on her upstroke and his eyes rolled back in his head because she was using the perfect pressure with her soft hands to work it out.  He had to stop her because he was going to shoot his load if she continued that sort of stimulation.  

     He kissed her again, softly, barely touching his lips to hers.  Their kisses grew more passionate, more hungered for one another as their tongues danced against one another and their lips sucked and kissed only the way they knew how.  His mouth found the sweet spot on her neck and he started sucking it.  She threw her head back and let him feast on her tender flesh.  His hands were all over her body, caressing her hips, thighs, back and ass.  He wanted to show off the body he had worked on and he was proud to be standing before her fully clothed frame with nothing on.  He pressed his body into hers, pushing her against the door.  She gasped for air as she wrapped her arms around his neck.  He grabbed her ass and lifted her up; she wrapped her legs around him and she whispered, “This feels so good but I’m terrified.  You used me.  You lied . . .”  Her voice cracked as she tried to push back her tears.  She wasn’t sure if they were tears of pain or emotional release. Finally, taking a deep breath, she decided that all she could do was be in the moment and let things flow. She looked at him with a lust in her eyes that said that she was ready for the experience of a lifetime.  

     Getting her undressed was the next order of business.  Elijah undid the buttons on her blouse.  Her luscious C cups sat beautifully in their black lace enclosure.  He knew all too well that her breasts were very sensitive and that stimulating her nipples could lead to orgasm if done just right.  Still unsure of what she was feeling and thinking, he stood and stared at her beautiful brown breasts, afraid to touch them.  They had been the source of endless nurturing and pleasure for him previously and he needed to feel the weight of them in his hands, to feel her hardened nipples in his mouth.  She looked him in the eye, and without movement or words, told him that it was okay to proceed.  

     Elijah undid the closure of her bra and stood in awe.  It was almost as if he’d forgotten what her breasts looked like even though they had been the object of his fantasies for several years.  Her dark and swollen nipples were calling for his mouth to devour them.  He lowered his mouth and sucked them exactly the way that she loved it.  He had not forgotten in all those years because it had always been the way he loved doing it.  It seems that their bodies, their desires and rhythms always perfectly complemented each other.  He knew the way to bring her pleasure with the soft and gentle caress of his tongue and the barely detectable sucking of his lips.  He felt her body respond in only the way she could to his touch and he was high with that feeling.  

     She grabbed her breast and fed it to him.  He uttered, “Rob, I’ve missed you so much.”  He was going from one nipple to the other, trying to get both in his mouth at the same time, and licking in between them and underneath that sexy curve where her titties joined her body.  

She was getting more and more responsive, telling him how much she loved it.  “You like that hard nipple in your mouth? Have you missed it? Suck it baby.  You know you’re getting me so wet with your mouth sucking on my nipples like that.”  Robbie and Elijah had a call and response that was unlike any two other lovers.  She would moan and groan and her body would surrender to his touch and they made fluid and passionate love to one another with just their hands and mouths alone.  

     Wanting to get more comfortable and really enjoy the process, Elijah took her hand and led Robbie to the bed.  She followed and stood still while he undressed her the rest of the way.  His hands caressed her curvy ass as he slid her skirt down.  He laughed inside, noting that she was wearing panties, knowing that she preferred to go au naturale in her more austere days of wearing little more than sarongs and sports bras.  Her long legs were defined and toned and he massaged them gently as he sat her on the bed to remove her shoes.  He massaged the sole of her delicate foot and brought it to his lips and kissed the arch softly.  Robbie laid back and luxuriated in the feeling of his mouth sucking and licking her toes.  She spread her legs and rubbed her pussy through the material of her panties as he continued to suck her toes, watch, and stroke himself.  

     He knelt at the foot of the bed as he slid her panties down her hips and over her legs.  She held her legs closed out of momentary fear and there was a very awkward pause when they just stared at one another.  All of her apprehensions came flooding back in that instant.  Elijah knew it was his moment of reckoning and there was no turning back.  He had to speak truth to power in that moment.  “Robbie, I crave your presence in my life.  I need you in a way that I didn’t know existed before right now.  We can stop right here and right now if you want.  I don’t have to make love to you today.  I’m willing to wait until you are completely comfortable.  Just know that I’m not going to give up on us, I’m going to prove to you that I can and will be all the man you need.  I love you.”  

     To deny their chemistry would be impossible so Robbie made a choice.  She was not going to feel regret or pain; she was going to rejoice in the moment that had been scripted before they were both born.  She kissed him, this time communicating with her kiss that there was no turning back.  He laid her back on the bed and began licking and kissing his way down her body.  He ran his tongue in the deep crevice of her belly button and paused as he reached her pubic bone.  He kissed her soft hair and spread her legs so that he could begin his banquet.  Her scent made his dick that much harder and he spread her lips to see the wetness that had already formed there.  Her clit was exposed and waiting to be sucked.  He just stared at her for a few minutes and took in the beauty of her soft, pink lips and Robbie was becoming desperate to feel his mouth on her and she was writhing around on the bed, pulling his head closer, anxious for sexual release with a man that knew her body intricately and knew all the buttons to push to make her scream with pleasure.   

     He lowered his mouth to her clit and began licking it.  Robbie arched her back and let out a hiss and felt her body convulse.  The tender way he licked her was enough to make her want to crawl out of her skin.  His tongue lightly stroked her spot and focused on circling it, not too much pressure, more like he wanted her to barely feel it.  She grabbed her erect nipples and began twisting them gently between her thumb and forefinger and she began chanting and telling him how good his mouth made her feel.  “Oh, I’ve missed your soft lips on my pussy like that.  Yes . . . It feels so good.  Taste me!”

     Elijah was trying his best to tune her out.  Her words had a way of driving him over the brink and making him want to ram himself inside her with one full stroke.  Tonight, he was going to make love to her slowly, sweetly and tenderly, in many ways symbolic of the first time they would ever really make love.  He backed off of licking her clit for a while and began licking her sweet juices as he was inserting his fingers in her tight hole.  He knew where her spot was located and he knew exactly the pressure and way to hit it to make her squirt.  He looked her in her eyes as he massaged the spot with skill and saw her body go into overdrive.  “Oh shit, that’s my spot, work my pussy, oh damn that feels so fucking good.”  Her profanity in bed was like music to his ears.  She’d always been explicit, never mincing words, never afraid to say exactly what was on her mind, in bed or out. 

     A sheen of perspiration formed on her smooth skin and the muscles in her stomach were tense.  She was transported back to a time when they would make love by the front door of her tiny apartment because they couldn’t even make it to the bedroom.  She was on the verge of orgasm and he could see her rising to her peak.  At precisely the right time, he stopped, causing her to cry out with frustration.  “Don’t stop,” she screamed, “please don’t stop, make me cum.  Eat me, finger me.  Let me nut right in your mouth.  Come on, I’ve got all this sexy juice for you, I know you want it, I know you want me to cum for you.”  

     Elijah went back to licking her clit, causing more cursing, more moaning.  Robbie grabbed his head in place, spreading her legs, opening herself up to him.  “Oh my God that feels so good, I love the way you lick my clit, suck it now.  Suck on the clit and make me shoot my hot cream in your mouth.” 

     Just as she was about to cum, just as she was about to feel that rush of release, Elijah stopped again.  “Fuuuuucckk,” she moaned, “why do you keep doing this to me?”  Her pleas were desperate and she wanted more.  He flipped her over and put her on her knees.  Her sexy ass was high in the air and she reached back to spread her ass cheeks, knowing full well that he would be turned on by how brazen her actions were.  He started eating her from behind Robbie was gripping the sheets and seemed to be like a possessed woman.  He kissed her asshole and made her moan loudly into the pillow.  She started thrusting her ass back at him, urging him to give her more.  He ate her pussy and asshole like it was a five star meal, licking and kissing and sucking like there was no tomorrow.  He pointed his tongue and drove it deep in her core and fucked her with it.  Robbie wasn’t even using words anymore; her emotions were conveyed with grunts and groans.  To send her over the edge, E started fingering her pussy again, hitting her spot, rubbing her clit just the way she liked it and eating her ass at the same time.  “Please don’t stop, I’m going to cum.  Please, please, please don’t stop.”  Robbie came so hard she almost passed out.  Her cum flowed out of her pussy like a faucet, coating Elijah’s fingers, hands, and face. 

     She fell over on the bed, drained and exhausted, staring at the ceiling and trying to make sense of how she had allowed herself to get to this place, trying to hold on to a place of peace.  Just then, Elijah’s cell phone rang and he made no move to answer it.  Almost immediately, she remembered the times they would be making love and his cell phone would ring and it would be other women calling and he would let it go to voice mail.  She reached for the sheet to cover her nakedness and her shame.  Elijah sensed her fears immediately and he handed her the phone and said, “Answer it!”  He answered the phone for her and held it to her ear.  

     “Elijah Ringer’s office,” she said.  

     It was a colleague looking for Elijah for business.  Robbie told him that he wasn’t available right now and added he would probably be unavailable until the morning.  She hung up the phone and felt a tiny bit of peace.  “I’m not seeing anyone, no one.  I don’t have anything to hide, “he said, “I promise.”  

     Robbie smiled because for the first time in their entire history, he had accomplished what he had never even attempted to do before.  He had calmed her fears and made her feel safe.  

     She pushed him over on his back and rolled on top of him.  It was in that moment, she was filled with a desire for him that surpassed anything she had ever felt for him before, and that was saying a lot.  She straddled his body and felt the hardness of his erection slipping between the slick, hot, wet folds of her pussy.  Elijah was in the zone, wanting to slow things down a little bit, perhaps have a little more foreplay but he was compelled to feel that warmth again.  His motives were obviously conflicted in his head.  “No, stop, we should wait.  I want . . . I want . . . I need to be inside you.  Oh Robbie,” he softly sobbed, “Ride me.  You make me feel so good.”  

     He gripped her hips and filled his hands with her soft flesh.  She crushed her body to his and he felt the hardness of her nipples pressed against his chest.  She started sucking his neck and it was his turn to moan and groan in incoherent babble.  He could clearly hear the evidence of her wetness as she was grinding on his dick and the heat from her pussy was almost too much to bear.  

     She grabbed the shaft of his dick and steadied it.  She placed it at her hole and the point of connect between their bodies was magnetic.  She was staring deeply in his eyes and he was saying over and over, “Please, I need to be inside you, I miss you.  I wanna make love to you.”

     Robbie took her time, going painfully slow as she sat on him, taking his fullness in so he could feel every single millimeter in exquisite detail.  It took her breath away and she gasped for air as he began to fill her in places that hadn’t been touched in a very long time.  The deeper he went, the more pleasure she felt.  The velvety softness of her walls surrounded him made him thrust deep inside but Robbie was in control of this ride.  She used her muscles to grip him tightly and make him work for it.  She rubbed her clit with one hand and reached around to play with his balls with the other.  

     “Oh fuck,” it was now Elijah’s turn to cry out profanities.  

She settled down comfortably on him, he was deeply inside her now and she stopped moving.  She was working her pussy on him, using her muscles, squeezing his dick and hitting that spot that made him want to shoot his cum deep inside her.  “Can you hold back for a little while longer?  I want make this feeling last.”  

     He nodded, trying to recall all the Tantric exercises he’d practiced without a partner and really not sure he could hold back another second.  If it meant pleasing Robbie, he would do whatever he had to do.  He focused his mind and lay back to enjoy the ride.  

     Robbie slowly started to grind her pussy on Elijah, using his dick for her pleasure.  She rubbed her clit against his pubic bone and made his dick massage her spot from the inside.  Her juices were all over his body and she shut her eyes tightly to concentrate on the sensations.  She started sucking his fingers like she was sucking his dick and E let out a sound that could be heard down the hall.  He reached around and stuck his finger in her ass and his moans were overpowered by the animal call of the wild that Robbie made.  He raised his knees and Robbie sat back and ground her pussy on him that much harder.  

     Elijah began working his hips, grinding them and making sure to stir it up for his little darling.  Robbie went into overdrive and began bouncing up and down on his dick, rising up until just the engorged head was nestled in her wetness and sinking back down on it until it felt like it was in her stomach.  She was slow and steady but she was fucking him hard.  The room smelled like sex and it was intoxicating.  They got into a steady rhythm and the pleasure was out of this world.  

     “Baby, I’m going to cum.  I can’t hold back any longer.”  Whichever one of them said it was really irrelevant because they were both on the brink.

     Elijah flipped her over on her back and pressed his body into hers.  They kissed as he drove himself deeper and deeper inside her.  There was only one place he was going to deposit his seed and it was inside her, there was no question about it.  She wrapped his legs around his back and pulled him closer, deeper.  Tears filled her eyes and she whispered, “I love you, Elijah.”  Her orgasm connected her with the All There Is and she experienced ecstasy in a way like never before.

     That was enough to send him over the edge.  Those were the words he had needed to hear again more than anything.  He began thrusting harder, and he closed his eyes as he felt the pleasure take over him.  He released his orgasm and fell exhausted on top of her.  She cradled him and kissed his forehead and comforted him like she had done so many times in the past.  

For the next few hours, they lay in bed and talked, really talked about their struggles and accomplishments and dreams for the future and even the past.  They punctuated their conversation with more rounds of intense lovemaking.  They bathed together and fed each other when the room service brought nourishment.  

     In the morning Robbie got dressed, unsure of what was going to happen next but determined to not let her ego get in the way of distorting what was a fantastic evening.  Elijah called the front desk and informed them that he would be staying for an indefinite period of time.  He made sure that Robbie heard him say that he would be looking for an apartment here in NY and needed some more time to find suitable accommodations.  He scribbled something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Robbie.  

     On the page the word “nebulous” was scribbled, a private joke they had shared in days gone by.  Robbie looked at him with confusion written all over her face.  

     “That is the password to my email.  I want you to check it any time you want.  I need you to know that you are the only woman in my life and that I’m dedicated to making this work.  Do whatever you have to do until you can trust me.  I’m going to call and make reservations for dinner tonight; I want you to meet my friends.  When you’re ready, I’d love to spend time with you and the children, both yours and mine.  He kissed her softly.  We are going to make this work.  I promise.  This is our chance to shine and I am not going to let it slip through my fingers.”    

     The waves were in motion and the stage had been set.  The star-crossed lovers had been reunited to fulfill their mission and to grow together as one.  All that was left was to nurture the spiritual blaze of the reunited twin flames.  The universe had many lifetimes planned in which they could explore the many facets of their eternal love.  

Copyright 2005 AfroerotiK  All Rights Reserved