Rethink What You Know

Being Selective:

As sexually liberated as I am, I don’t want to do EVERYTHING with all my partners.  I wouldn’t say that I pick and choose what men I do certain things with but I do not give away my goodies casually.  Not every partner is deserving of everything I have to offer.  Especially if his motivations are not pure or transparent.  My partners and I get tested prior to having sex so it’s not about the higher risk for HIV.  It’s about the fact that it’s something so intense and explosive and thrilling and I don’t want to share that with just anyone.  I want to explore anything and everything with my partner.  I want to experiment and find new and exciting ways to please my partner and I’m always looking to introduce new levels of play with my partners.  I don’t, however, have casual sex, friends with benefits, or fuck buddies so I’m vastly different than most people in that anyone who is invited to share my most sacred space only gets an invitation because he has passed my very rigorous standards.  Were I to have casual sex partners, I would certainly not be motivated to give them my most erotic self; I would limit that to only the partners who had proven themselves to be exceptional. 

Swallowing:

If I’m in a relationship with my partner, I don’t have a problem swallowing my man’s ejaculate.  That being said, unless his diet is vegan and he takes extra precautions to eat well, drink water, drink pineapple juice etc., ejaculate doesn’t taste great.  It’s not the worst thing in the world but it’s certainly doesn’t taste like pussy, that’s for sure.  Most of the men I date at this stage in my life are in their 50s.  They don’t have the recovery time they had when they were in their 20s.  Cumming more than once a night is not very likely for the men I date.  That being said, at this stage in my life, I’d rather save that nut for our intercourse if we have time and energy.  If we’re out and I’m giving him head as a special treat or it’s something I want to do just to please him, I don’t have a problem swallowing at all.  The problem becomes when most men hold a woman’s head to force her to swallow.  I say, if you want me to swallow your nut, you need to be able to show me that you will eat it too.  If it’s disgusting to you, and you want eat your own, then don’t expect me to swallow it.  Most younger men are selfish.  They only think about their pleasure and they will hold a woman’s head to force her to swallow or they will cheat on a woman if she doesn’t swallow in order to appease their ego.  That’s where the problem lies. 

Satisfaction:

I would like to think that women and men will eventually come to understand that when they allow themselves to be emotionally open, honest, and vulnerable with a partner, when they expose their secrets, when they open their hearts and souls to loving and being loved that they will experience greater pleasure than just a maintenance date or a casual fuck.  Satisfaction comes from being able to tell all your sexual secrets to another person and knowing they still love you, want you, crave you.  Satisfaction comes from pouring out your heart and soul to someone and being able to be emotionally nude and go to a place where you don’t have to hide.  Most people assume that satisfaction and pleasure comes from some magic nut that makes you lose your mind.  We are sexually immature when we look at sex that way.  There will always be someone with a bigger dick, a bigger butt, someone more attractive, that’s not where satisfaction lies.  Satisfaction is in the connection and the bond and the unadulterated intimacy you form with your partner.  Once you get that, you won’t want to look for anyone else to satisfy you. 

Individuality:

What every woman wants in sex is different.  It should be based on her own body and turn ons.  I crave creativity, sensuality, eroticism, a willingness to go beyond just a pump and dump.  I want seduction and passion.  I want a slow, simmering building of extended foreplay that leads to mind-blowing sex.  I look for a partner who is committed to being honest.  That turns me on.  Fuck, that makes me explosive!  I’m definitely NOT looking for someone who thinks that blowing my back out is going to make me come back for more or someone who doesn’t care about me as a person.  I look for a man who is expressive.  He needs to be able to talk in bed and more than just saying, “Whose pussy is this?”  He has to tell me what turns him on and why.  He has to tell me what makes him feel good.  He needs to be able to communicate to me in very explicit terms what he is experiencing in the moment. 

Making Love:

Most men think that making love is fucking slow.  That’s not making love, that’s pretending to be tender when you really want to be blowing a woman’s back out.  Making love is being in love with my partner and having mind-blowing sex with him.  It can be fast, slow, it can be vigorous and rough.  If we are in love with each other, it’s making love.    I want to fuck like animals with the person I’m in love with.  That’s making love.  The connection is what makes it making love, not the pace at which the man pounds the woman. 

Inhibitions:

I’m not at all sexually inhibited and I haven’t been since I was in my 20s.  Most of what I had to overcome then was just insecurity about my body.  I was tall and skinny but somehow, I felt that I was fat and out of shape.  I think every woman goes through the counting stage.  You count the number of men you have sex with because you don’t want to hit that number that makes you a slut, whatever that number is for you.  Once I hit my 30s all my minor inhibitions disappeared and I was completely comfortable with my sexuality, what I wanted, what I needed, what I asked for, and how to get it.  Most people, and by that I mean men who want to fuck me and women who want to condescend to me because I’m not promiscuous, think I’m inhibited because I refuse to have casual sex.  I’m not slut shaming women who want to have multiple sex partners at all.  FOR ME, I choose not to share my most sacred space with undeserving me.  That’s not being inhibited, that’s being selective, having standards.  With my partner I’ll do anything and everything that we choose to explore as long as it’s consensual. 

Freaky:

Black people LOVE to throw the term freak around.  Sadly, pathetically, the term is used in place of meaning healthy sexuality.  There is nothing freaky about liking sex, wanting sex, or enjoying sex.  Unfortunately, because Black people are sooooooo incredibly sexually immature, they associate enjoying sex with being freaky. Even Black people who claim to be freaks are sexually conservative.  Most times they don’t like anything other than regular oral/vaginal sex and at times anal.  Being expressive with your partner isn’t freaky, it’s normal.  Exploring different fantasies with your partner isn’t freaky, it’s normal.  Wanting to open up your relationship and be poly isn’t freaky, it still falls within the realm of healthy sexual expression with your partner.  Freaky is wanting to mutilate your genitals for sexual pleasure.  Freaky is being aroused by inanimate objects more than human beings.  There are a whole host of things that are abnormal and extreme that are freaky but Black people are not into any of them for the most part.  As long as we identify ourselves as freaks for liking sex we are sexually stunted and immature.  I am sexually empowered.  I am sexually expressive.  I’m sexually mature.  I’m not a freak for enjoying pleasure.  I’m not a freak for wanting to explore sexuality with my partner.  I’m not a freak for liking more than vanilla sex on a Friday night with the lights out.  There is nothing freaky about my sexuality. 

Horny:

When I’m insatiable, when I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin with desire, when I can’t focus on anything but sex, I feel like a laser, everything is centered on the sensations of pleasure.  I crave stimulation.  I need visual stimulation, I need physical stimulation, I need the pleasure that comes from the journey, not the destination.  For me, when I get in that zone, I’m all about the sensations that come from arousal, I don’t really want the nut so much.  I want the pleasure to last as long as possible.  I never feel tense or evil or anything negative.  I feel a certain amount of frustration that I don’t have a partner with me to help me express my sexuality but that’s secondary to the sensations of wanting my nipples played with, wanting to revel in the sensations of my clit being stimulated, in feeling my wetness flow. 

Seduction

All too often we use words without really knowing the definition of them.  Someone asked a question in my Facebook group that wanted people to share their definitions of what romance and seduction meant.  No one answered.  When I commented about that, what followed were responses that indicated that romance and seduction were foreign concepts to people.  It makes sense, we don’t teach, talk about, or provide a space for discussions of romance or seduction.  We either consume porn in private and in public decry that anything related to sex is taboo or forbidden.  We can’t even have healthy conversations about romance and seduction.  That’s tragic.  I asked a friend of mine what he would do to seduce me and he responded that he would take me to dinner at a jazz club.  That’s not seduction, that’s a date. 

According to the AfroerotiK Guide for Romantic Survival, romance can be defined as doing something special, going above and beyond to show your partner that you care for them, for their feelings, it’s taking the time to express your feelings for them in a way that would make them see how much you value them.  Several examples would be: writing a love poem for your partner and putting it on their car windshield while they are at work without them knowing it, planning a picnic with all their favorite foods and bringing it over on a rainy day, or making a planned public display or declaration of love that conveys that your feelings go beyond affection.  It doesn’t have to involve money.  It is not limited to one gender expressing romance to the other.  Romance is showing your partner that you have put effort into thinking about putting a smile on their face when you aren’t with them. 

Seduction is romance with the intent of stimulating the libido.  When I was in college, my boyfriend planned an erotic scavenger hunt for me.  He purchased wine glasses (which I still own) a night gown (that I kept until it fell apart), and some sexual aids for us to play with.  I spent the day finding all these items and getting more and more aroused as to what was going to happen when we got together.  Seduction is buying the candles, the massage oil, the erotic board game, the blindfold and the handcuff.  It’s not only buying dinner, it’s eating that dinner on the floor and feeding each other and licking and sucking each other’s fingers.  Seduction is running the bubble bath for two and massaging and caressing your partner to get their engine revved up.  Seduction is much more than just extended foreplay.  Seduction is making the bed with satin sheets before your partner comes home and having the Barry White queued up ready to go at the click of a button on the remote.  It’s telling your partner with your actions that you want and need to be intimate with them.  Intimate doesn’t mean it has to be soft and tender and gentle.  It simply means that you want to express your love in a very physical way. 

What romance/seduction is NOT.  It’s not lying to someone or pretending to be what they like in order to get them in bed, that’s manipulation.  It’s not getting along with someone more than others, that’s chemistry.  It’s not going out to the movies and holding hands, that’s affection.  It’s not saying, “I love you,” when you get off the phone or leave for work.  It’s not having extended foreplay or sex for a long time.  It’s not buying flowers on Valentine’s day because it’s expected or buying a card or gift after a fight to say that you’re sorry. 

Anticipation

There is a law, a universal law, that is the comprised of time and chemistry and desire.  When all of those elemental forces are combined, they create a world-wind of desire and mind-numbing anticipation.  It’s “The Wait” . . . it’s my overwhelming need to experience you completely, in your entirety.  It has consumed me.  My thoughts and fantasies are filled with the need to be with you, to feel you inside me, to become one with you.  I know the day will come when I will be able to know you intimately but the anticipation is driving me insane.  We have played this game long enough.  Now is the time.  Now is OUR time.  Late at night, when I hear your deep and sensual voice on the phone, and your gentle moans let me know that you are aroused; it’s all I can do to contain myself.  I want you; I need you.  

I long to feel your mouth on every part of me.  Descend upon me like the warm waters of the Nile River bathing the shores of ancient Egypt.  Please, sweet Pharaoh, I’m begging you to take your time.  My desire is to be covered with your sweet kisses as I feel your body press into mine.  I need to feel your lips exploring every curve, every crevice of my caramel-colored frame with exacting and excruciating detail.  That place on my collar bone that protrudes ever so slightly longs to know the feel of your tongue as if they were made to be together.  Feast on my arms, my fingers, my back and neck with the patience of a skilled surgeon and the desperation of a man consumed with lust.  I want you to tell me how it feels as you learn what makes me giggle and squirm with pleasure and delight, kissing your way gently down my body.  I want you to smell my sweet, intimate fragrance like the rare and exotic flower it is.  I want you to take your time caressing the softness of my inner thighs with your mouth, being near my glorious center but knowing it is truly your dessert and savoring every morsel of your meal before you delight in my delicious confections. 

For years I have dreamed of the day when you would become mine.  I don’t wish to possess you like an object but simply be allowed to share in the uniqueness you embody.  I promise that if you play with my nipples until I am burning with passion, I will become insatiable and ravenous to your touch.  I need you to spread my legs as I invite you to explore my erotic folds of femininity and tease my aroused clit gently and softly, ensuring that I whimper and plead for satisfaction and release.  Feel the slippery wetness of my arousal for you, letting you know that I crave you inside me.  Know that my juices will taste like the sweetest honey and wine, intoxicating you with my flavor and flowing freely. 

Mostly, at night, when I’m in bed alone, I fantasize about that moment, that breath-taking sensation when you penetrate me and we become one.  I have wanted that and waited for so long, for far too long.  Now is our time.  I want to give you all of me, not just my body but my heart, mind, and soul.  I belong to you.  I need you to make love to me.  Penetrate me, slow and intentionally, deep and hard.  I want to feel every hot, hard, throbbing inch of you inside me.  I will wrap my legs around you and pull you closer as you breathe new life into me with my kisses.  This is our time; we’ve waited long enough.  I want to get lost in the pleasure of being your woman, being connected to you by the gift so few men have been given.  I’m dripping with desire for you and I am wet and desperate and ready for our union, our reunion really, of our spirits connecting and our bodies colliding in unison and ecstasy. 

Copyright 2013 AfroerotiK All Rights Reserved

Sweet Spot

I Want a Lover with a Slow Hand

Life is always giving us opportunities to grow and evolve, right?  Ever the introspective one, I’m always attempting to look within, challenge my beliefs systems, and heal my wounds by being radically honest and self-aware.  I had the opportunity recently to connect intimately with a potential partner.  For several reasons, I decided that it was going to be several months before we had sex.  Of course, there were times when I was hot and bothered and I rationalized how several weeks rather than months would be sufficient for our self-imposed abstinence.  Of course, at times, I was so incredibly aroused I was willing to say, “To hell with weeks, days, hours, or minutes, I need you inside me NOW!”  Calmer heads prevailed and we didn’t have sex.  I’m fortunate that we didn’t because I subsequently learned that he was not anywhere near the quality and caliber of man that I was looking for in a partner and sex would have not only made me more intimately bonded to him, it also would have made it virtually impossible (or, more accurately, extremely difficult) for me to break that bond when he revealed his true, disingenuous colors.  In our erotic exploration, however, I learned a few things about myself and my erotic needs.  

I have a clear vision of what I want, crave, and need from a lover.  AfroerotiK is not just my company, my brand, a vehicle for my writing, it is my philosophy.  AfroerotiK is how I live my life.  My lover, the man who will ultimately get to share my body in ways that few will ever tastes the pleasures of, is someone who does not feel the need to degrade me during sex.  While I understand clearly that the prevalence of porn and women who have been socialized to be objects creates an almost understated forgone conclusion that women will want to be called a bitch, whore, and a slut during sex, that we will want to be pounded, slapped, and made to suck dick, gag, and willingly accept cum on our faces or down our throats and enjoy it, there are some of us, at the very least I am absolutely NOT aroused by or interested in any such treatment.  That doesn’t mean that I need slow and gentle lovemaking with candles burning and Teddy Pendergrass playing every time in the background.  I just need the simple acknowledgment that he understands that my body is a gift to him and that I don’t feel any arousal at being objectified, used, or humiliated.  I love getting fucked.  In fact, I adore the concept of my lover being so incredibly aroused that he is driven to fits of almost maniacal lust inside me.  My lover will not need to spank, slap, restrain or call me names during sex.  That means that I want him to see me as the special, unique, and wonderful woman I am.  I cannot and will not tolerate being called names in the heat of passion in order to appease a male ego that needs to degrade women in order to feel arousal.  

I desire a lover who understands well that intimacy, sensuality, and passion are intricately tied to lovemaking and that sex is an expression of spiritual and emotional communion and love as well as lust and desire.  I need a lover who understands that making love is not just fucking slow.   He will understand that the more time he takes to get me wet the more I will be willing to show my passion for him in virtually unspeakable and unthinkable ways.   He will be willing to take his time to learn my body.  And by take his time, I don’t mean 30 minutes of foreplay and dirty talk, I mean weeks if need be to understand what buttons to push to make me soak the sheets and wake the neighbors.  I need a lover who will slowly, sensually, caress every square inch of my body in an effort to provide me with pleasure, not just a perfunctory, half-hearted massage that barely masks his thinly-veiled attempts to get to get directly to my pussy.  The man who understands that my asshole needs slow, tender gentle attention in order to get to the fast, furious earth-shattering fucking that will come when he takes his time.  I am not the first woman you fucked when you were 16 years old and what she liked is surely not what I will like.  I need someone who can understand that my body is sensitive in ways that most other women’s is not and that biting, pinching and grabbing will not get me anywhere near the place where I’m begging to have a man inside me.  Quite a few men would do well to learn how to give a good massage, not trying to squeeze and knead out tension like a sports therapist but to play my body like an instrument, coaxing it to arousal with soft caresses.   

One of the traits that is essential for me in a man is his ability to control his lusts.  If a man feels he must masturbate every day, look at porn every single day, then it’s apparent to me that he can only see sex as a physical outlet and that I am nothing more than a receptacle for his sperm, a masturbatory aide.  Masturbation is healthy, it feels good, it’s a much needed release.  Being unable to go a week or even two weeks without ejaculation is a sign of sexual immaturity and dysfunction.  Yes, I fully understand that men tend to have higher sex drives than women and I’m almost sure I understand that what they feel is vastly different to the sensations I feel when I orgasm.  That being said, however, a sexually mature individual is someone who can appreciate delayed gratification.  I’m sure there are lots of men who are offended by the concept of me suggesting that their daily masturbation is somehow wrong.  For them, perhaps it is not.  For my potential lover however, it most certainly is.  A man who is driven by his need to cum is a man who will lie, cheat, and manipulate in order to get sex.  That man has absolutely NO chance of ever experiencing my body.  I might add that there are some men who say that they never masturbate.  I think I am to understand that they say that masturbation doesn’t feel as good as the real thing, that it’s not manly, or there is some biblical reason to abstain from self pleasure.  Those are the very same men who will fuck anyone without standard or discrimination in order to get off.  Needless to say, those men are not the men who will gain access to my sacred space either.  Balance and maturity are the keys to my treasure.  

My AfroerotiK lover is one who will use his lips, tongue, and mouth gently to explore every inch of my body.  He will be willing to take the time to bathe my body, anoint me with oils and lotions, lick my pussy softly and sensually until I’m creaming in his mouth and begging for him to penetrate me.  He will use his dick, not as a weapon to stab but as an vehicle of pleasure to drive me to fits of pleasure, orgasm, and ecstasy over and over and over again.  

Copyright 2011 AfroerotiK All Rights Reserved