AfroerotiK

Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK. Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality. No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away. No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens. And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive. Scottie is putting everything on the table to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas. She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.

Showing posts with label fatherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fatherhood. Show all posts

Monday, August 10, 2015

A Letter to My Daughter



A friend of mine asked me to write a letter he could give to his young adult daughter to let her know how much he loves her, what he wants for her.  I wanted to share the letter in the hopes that there might be other men who will use it as an opportunity to express their love to their daughters.  I only wish I had a father who had loved me enough to say these things to me. 

My beloved baby girl,

It’s almost that time when my responsibility as your father is over.  I will always be your Dad, I will love you until I take my last breath and beyond.  But my job, the time for me to actually do the work of parenting is almost done.  It was my job to protect you, to give you structure and guidance, to discipline you when your behavior was detrimental or destructive, and to love you unconditionally.  Sometimes, I let myself down in parenting.  I’m not perfect and I’m probably a harsher critic of myself than anyone.  But when I look at the woman you have become, I know I must have done a little something right because I’m in awe of the fact that the little girl that I once knew is now a really amazing adult.   You are a woman now.  I’m so proud of you.  I’m proud of your accomplishments, your talents, and your beauty, both inside and out. 

To be a woman in this society, in this time, is challenging.  I don’t understand everything about it, I probably don’t understand enough of the demands, complications, and pressures young women your age face.  I do know that we exist in a society that perpetuates rape culture, that tells males that it is their right to take what doesn’t belong to them from women.  I worry.  I pray every day for your safety and that you will never know such pain and violation.  I will not shame, blame, or put the responsibility on you for the evil actions of my gender.  I will, however, ask that you try to be safe.  Know your worth, not just as an attractive woman, but as a human being.  Don’t let the need to feel attractive or desired put you in a situation where you fear for your safety.  You don’t have to prove to anyone that you are sexy or hot.  Our society tells young girls that being attractive is their only value, their only worth.  You are so much more than just the package you come in.  Know this.  Know this always.  If you feel you need to wear less to be attractive, if you feel you need to show off your body or that you the number of boys who like you somehow validates your attractiveness, please remember that your real beauty, your real value is being strong, independent, intelligent, and outspoken.  Know that your femininity is not found in the backside of your jeans nor is it enhanced by your hair, make-up, clothes, or shoes.  

As much as it pains me to admit, I know that I’m not going to be the most important man in your life any more.  I know I must accept that reality.   I want the men you share your life with to be men of integrity.  Don’t let me have to go out here and bust some young brotha in his head because he has hurt you.  Choose wisely in your mates.  Set your standards high and don’t compromise them.  Make sure he treats you with respect and that he’s honest with you, that he is invested in being in a relationship with you and he knows what an honor and a privilege it is to be with you.  You deserve the absolute best.  The best doesn’t mean how much money he has or what kind of car he drives.  The best means someone who will do the right thing, even when it’s hard, someone who will put your needs and the needs of the relationship above his own.  If you make a commitment to be honest to each other, and he then lies or he cheats, kick his ass to the curb and don’t look back.   If he hits you, pray that I can dispose of the body without leaving any trace DNA.  But in any relationship, you must make sure that you keep your promises too, that you are a woman of integrity as well.  And while I don’t want you to compromise on your standards, the traits you require in a man, I do want you to know that a truly heathy, loving relationship is based on communication, compromise, and working together.  Love does not hurt.  Love should not make you sad or cry.  Love should give you the added strength to go out and conquer the world like I know you are going to do.    I wish for you profound, unending, enduring, true love.   Don’t ever forget that.  You are my pride and joy.  I will always be here for you.  

Love,
Dad


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Who’s Your Daddy?

I had a guy friend once who had two small daughters. He would take his daughters to work with him, he would pick them up from school, they loved their daddy and it showed every time they would see him. I was mesmerized by their relationship because he took such pride in knowing that his daughters could count on him for anything they wanted or needed. If they were having problems with children at school, they knew that their daddy would be there to resolve the conflict. If a man said something inappropriate to them, they knew that they could run to their daddy and he would defend and protect them at all costs.

I’m 40 years old and I’ve never known what it’s like to have a daddy. I’ve never had a daddy, I have a father I met when I was 16. The only interaction I have with him is him giving me a check on my birthday and Christmas and sending a few emails a couple times a year. I’m no expert but I know that parenting has to go much further than that. I’m not real sure I know all the intricacies of what having a daddy involves but I’m sure that it’s more than giving $400 a year and an email that says, “Hey kiddo.”

I have to wonder how my life would be different if I’d known the safety and security of a father’s love in my life. I have to imagine that my choices in men would have been vastly different if I’d had a daddy to help shape my perceptions. They say you can’t miss what you never had but that’s bullshit, complete and utter bullshit. I’ve missed out on what it is to know that there is a man that loves me unconditionally. I’ve missed out on what it is to know that there is a man in the world whose primary responsibility is to protect me and provide for me. If I’d had a man to love me, I sure as hell wouldn’t have begged undeserving men to love me and spent so many years of my life trying to convince them that I was worthy of love.

My father isn’t some ex-con deadbeat. He’s a genius whose worked at the same high paying job for over 40 years and who is a daddy to two other daughters other than me. When I was growing up, the concept of “daddy” was something that set my mother off on a rampage so I dared not even bring up the subject. Now I realize how detrimental that was to me.

All too many fathers only want to be a daddy to their sons. Daughters are expendable, disposable and only sons have value in far too many men’s eyes. I know my mother resented me for not being a tiny replica of her and I grew up trying to compensate for being a constant disappointment to her. It’s only now that I’m realizing that I have been compensating for feeling unlovable to the men in my life because I never knew a father’s love. We as women have to start coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been handicapped emotionally by never knowing a father’s love. Moreover, we need to start ensuring that our daughters know a father’s love. This whole, “I can raise my child by myself, I can be the mommy and the daddy,” is noble, but it’s fucked up. Men need to be daddies to their girl children. Maybe then, when we let go of the dysfunctional beliefs that are so prevalent, that so many people want to justify, then we can have a community of women who, when some undeserving man who wants to use and manipulate us for sex asks, “Who’s your daddy,” we can know with assuredness to whom we belong.

Copyright 2007 Scottie Lowe

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Who’s Your Daddy?

I had a guy friend once who had two small daughters. He would take his daughters to work with him, he would pick them up from school, they loved their daddy and it showed every time they would see him. I was mesmerized by their relationship because he took such pride in knowing that his daughters could count on him for anything they wanted or needed. If they were having problems with children at school, they knew that their daddy would be there to resolve the conflict. If a man said something inappropriate to them, they knew that they could run to their daddy and he would defend and protect them at all costs.

I’m 40 years old and I’ve never known what it’s like to have a daddy. I’ve never had a daddy, I have a father I met when I was 16. The only interaction I have with him is him giving me a check on my birthday and Christmas and sending a few emails a couple times a year. I’m no expert but I know that parenting has to go much further than that. I’m not real sure I know all the intricacies of what having a daddy involves but I’m sure that it’s more than giving $400 a year and an email that says, “Hey kiddo.”

I have to wonder how my life would be different if I’d known the safety and security of a father’s love in my life. I have to imagine that my choices in men would have been vastly different if I’d had a daddy to help shape my perceptions. They say you can’t miss what you never had but that’s bullshit, complete and utter bullshit. I’ve missed out on what it is to know that there is a man that loves me unconditionally. I’ve missed out on what it is to know that there is a man in the world whose primary responsibility is to protect me and provide for me. If I’d had a man to love me, I sure as hell wouldn’t have begged EB to love me and spent so many years of my life trying to convince him that I was worthy of love.

My father isn’t some ex-con deadbeat. He’s a genius whose worked at the same high paying job for over 40 years and who is a daddy to two other daughters other than me. When I was growing up, the concept of “daddy” was something that set my mother off on a rampage so I dare not even bring up the subject. Now I realize how detrimental that was to me.

All too many fathers only want to be a daddy to their sons. Daughters are expendable, disposable and only sons have value in far too many men’s eyes. I know my mother resented me for not being a tiny replica of her and I grew up trying to compensate for being a constant disappointment to her. It’s only now that I’m realizing that I have been compensating for feeling unlovable to the men in my life because I never knew a father’s love. We as women have to start coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been handicapped emotionally by never knowing a father’s love. Moreover, we need to start ensuring that our daughters know a father’s love. This whole, “I can raise my child by myself, I can be the mommy and the daddy,” is noble, but it’s fucked up. Men need to be daddies to their girl children. Maybe then, when we let go of the fucked up beliefs that are so prevalent, that so many people want to justify, then we can have a community of women who, when some undeserving man who wants to use and manipulate us for sex asks, “Who’s your daddy,” we can know with assuredness to whom we belong.