I haven’t been in a real relationship in over 15 years. I haven’t been in anything that lasted more than a month. Well, that’s not true, I was with a young lady and we were partnered for about three months. I cooked for her, and planned special evenings with her and picked her up from work, the stuff you do when you are in a relationship with someone. It didn’t work with her because she had never been with another woman before and it was too much for her to handle the concept of being lesbian. She wasn’t able to be honest with herself that she was capable of forming a loving/emotional relationship with another woman so she sabotaged it by compulsive lying. Why it never works out with men I’ll never know.
I do know that with every person I meet, with every person I feel has potential, I try my best to be the sort of partner I want to attract. I make very conscious efforts to put into practice all the things that I’ve read about what it takes to form a healthy relationship. I don’t project my emotions onto the other person, I ask for what I want rather than assuming he can read my mind. I do my best to communicate my concerns in a way that doesn’t put him on the offensive but gives space for me to establish my boundaries. I apologize when we have an argument and I overreact. I’ve always been a great cheerleader/supporter/confidant. I don’t play games and I let my true feelings be known. I’m honest to a fault about my shortcomings and I ask for assistance in helping to grow. In short, I try to put out the energy that I want back. If I were in a relationship, I would want my partner to do those things for me as well.
It’s not working. As hard as I try, I’m not getting the same energy back. There must be some sort of glitch in the Matrix because I’m not meeting men who are as committed to forming a healthy as I am. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to be able to be my cheerleader when I’m down. I’m not superwoman, I do get down occasionally and I’d like someone to say, “Don’t pay attention to those people trying to tear you down, you are a gifted and talented visionary and you have a mission and you are doing a damn good job accomplishing it.” I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to apologize for a miscommunication, and especially not when he’s said something that was intended to hurt my feelings.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction, right? I’m putting the energy out and I’m not getting it back. I try my best to be the sort of partner that someone else would find desirable, to display qualities that would make someone want to form a relationship with me and I’m not getting any rewards here. Where’s the equal and opposite effort? Where’s the willingness to work through disagreements in a healthy manner? Where’s the willingness to prioritize me and my happiness just as I would prioritize him and his? I’m ready to be this phenomenal cook, lover, seamstress and all around creative/sensual diva (with the potential to make a helluva lotta money to boot) to my man and either no one is appreciating what’ I’m bringing to the table or no one is willing to bring anything to the table themselves. Is there no justice in the universe? Is there no respect for the laws of metaphysics in that I’m projecting my desires and not getting the same in return?
1 comment:
The thing is this, and I just accepted it recently. All those things you listed that you are doing are not what he (whoever you have been trying things with) is looking for. For whatever the reasons these guys seem to like the crazy women. Its a sympton of the rampant psychosis among black people in general. As an evolved self-aware woman you are trying to find your equal, but most men have yet to take the time to do the work on themselves to be able to appreciate what you offer.
I don't have a solution, b/c if I did, I would have been in a real relationship sometime in the past 5 years, but at least now I understand that it is not me, its them.
This is what almost 2 years of therapy will get you.
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