There But For the Grace of God

I might not be able to explain the information to you in a way that will disconnect you from the Matrix but I can try to illustrate how it works.  My prayer is that you receive this understanding in the spirit of love with which I'm sharing it with you.  

You are unique.  You have a unique set of experiences that makes you who you are. You had to be born on a certain date, to a certain set of circumstances that no one else in the world had.  Your brother or sister did not have the EXACT same experience as you because you have a different birth order, your parents might have been young when you were born and going through a divorce when they were born so the way you see the world is different than your sibling.  Every other person on the planet, living or dead is different than you in that you have all had different traumas that have shaped your identity.  Some didn't feel loved. Some felt insecure.  Others experienced abuse and poverty, pain beyond our comprehension. No one else has had the exact same life experiences as you so your thoughts and beliefs and opinions, your convictions and your passions, the stuff that makes you, your personality is unique to you.  You believe yourself to be an individual, alone, separate, different.  

You also believe that everything you know, everything you think to be true the absolute truth. You believe that anyone who doesn't think, act, behave, and believe the exact same way as you is wrong and you're right.  Period the end, no room for discussion.  You're saying to yourself, right now, "I'm not like that, I can admit when I'm wrong, I listen to other people to learn, I'm very open-minded."  

No, you're not.  The human mind is not programmed to embrace concepts that are different than your own. That's what cognitive dissonance is.  It's not something that is only in other people, it's in you.  You have been hard-wired to believe that your choices are the right choices, that your morality is the right morality, that your behaviors are healthy and sane and anyone else who acts, behaves, and thinks differently than you is wrong. It's what makes you defensive angry when you feel like you are being attacked for who you are. when you think someone is challenging what you believe, that  That instinct you have to embellish, hide, obscure, to pretend to be something other than what you really are is the fear of someone judging you.  It's the cycle that never ends.  That's the individualism that's built into our society.  It's the very fabric of our diseased reality.

Subconsciously, you think that other people realize deep down that they're wrong and that if you just assert your position more effectively and you show them that you're smarter and that you know better, you think that other people are supposed to bend to your will and think that you're right and admit that they were ultimately wrong and they've come to see the error of their ways.  

Every single person reading this thinks the same thing.  The way you raise your children is the right way, the way other people do it is wrong if they do something you don't like.  Your religion is the right religion, your lack of religion is the correct belief.  Your political party is the most ethical party.  Your views on abortion, immigration, climate change, homosexuality, guns, the death penalty . . . everything that you believe, you believe is the right position and that anyone who doesn't believe exactly what you believe is wrong.

That's the poison.  

IF you had grown up in the exact same shoes of that person you are so quick to judge, the one who has done something you proudly brag that you would never do because you are too smart, or too moral, or too responsible, whatever it is you say to yourself that makes you think, "I would NEVER do that," . . .  that inner voice that you can't hear but that reinforces your "rightness" is the sin of all sins.  It is the Matrix. 

If you had lived their life, had the exact same experiences and environment as they did, if you had the exact same traumas that shaped them, not just a mile but if you had walked their entire life in their shoes, you would make the exact same choices and mistakes and total fuck ups.  Your inability to see that is the veil of illusion.  We are supposed to see ourselves in all of humanity.  We are supposed to treat everyone the way we would want to be treated because we are all Divine Loving Consciousness.  We are all supposed to say, "There but for the grace of God, go I," not, "Oh my God, I would never do XYZ.  Why doesn't that person do the right thing, do ABC, like I would do."  

If your soul had shared the same body as Adolf Hitler, you would have done the exact same thing as he did because he, like you, believed his perspective and worldview is the only right one.  It's not like he said, "I know this is wrong and I'm going to do it anyway."  He said, essentially, "I'm doing the exact right thing based on my experiences and worldview and anyone who doesn't agree with me is wrong."  Everyone fails to see that we are more alike than we are different and that we are all capable of bein dark and immoral, we are capable of making poor choices and doing fucked up sht.  We all are good and bad and there is not judgement in that. We are all good and bad.  It's in each of us.   

Again, you're saying, "Well, it's a good thing I've never done anything like what you're talking about.  I'm not like that at all."  

Yes, you are, it's the program that's running that keeps you disconnected from your true LOVING, kind, compassionate, selfless self.    It's the software that keeps you enslaved in the Matrix. 

That's the original sin.  You thinking you are separate from everyone else.  You judging.  You thinking you're better than everyone else who doesn't think and emote and reason and respond the exact same way as you is flawed and it's the veil over your consciousness, it's keeping you from your greatness, joy, and freedom.  

Until you see the homeless person, the rapist, the person you hate the most as yourself, you're still trapped in the Matrix.  Until you come to truly understand that every single person believes that their singular world view, their reality based on their life experiences is the right, true, justified belief, you're still in the Matrix.  If you were born a white male in Indiana in the 1950s and you saw the world though his eyes, you would understand why he's racist and sexist and a douche bag or whatever judgements you have about him or whomever you find offensive because they don't have the same beliefs as you.  If you had lived the life of privilege and dysfunction Kim Kardashian had lived, you'd make the exact same choices she makes because you would have had a different set of life experiences to shape your identity.  

You won't be able to see the pattern or behavior in yourself but you'll b able to see it keenly in other people.  You'll be able to recognize how people judge others for not having the same experiences in life and for not making the same choices and for having different beliefs. 

If you can see the behavior in other people, other people can see it in you.  "They" don't want you to do unto others as you would have done to you.  They want you to feel like you in constant competition with the world, they want you to feel like you have to have the last word, you have to hold the longest grudge, you have to win.  You have to prove that you're right and they're wrong. 

Introspection is the key to self awareness and freedom.  The more you can look inside at your own shit, the more you can concern yourself with healing your own misperceptions and flawed thinking, when you STOP rationalizing that you're right in every situation and you're never wrong, you are not just trapped in the Matrix, you are subscribing, liking and sharing in the poisonous agenda that keeps us from our true identities.

Divine Loving Consciousness

 

I am currently the recipient of what I'm calling "information".  It is channeled information that has been coming through for about two weeks. It is from an unbelievably loving source.  My new consciousness is Divine Loving Consciousness; it is unconditional pure LOVE.  I see myself as everyone and I have compassion and understanding of their pain and circumstance in ways that overwhelm me.  I'm not fully my new consciousness yet.  I'm still letting go of my old personality.  It’s a process of gently releasing habits, patterns and beliefs that were based on a false reality. 

I have been posting truths in subtle ways for a few days but I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not afraid of being called crazy or being attacked; I'm not afraid of anything anymore . I'm 100% confident this Divine Loving Consciousness is genuine so I have to speak my truth to power. 

I have been receiving some cosmic mind-blowing shit.  I'm going to tell you shit and you are going to say, "This bitch is crazy." I don't mind that.  I am not doing this for likes or shares or followers. I'm not doing this for people to believe me.  I'm doing this because I don't have a choice. 

My challenge in this Phase One, as I understand it, is to use my talent and my words to explain slowly and gently to people that magick: occult, dark, demonic, witch spells like Charmed and Supernatural magick type shit absolutely exists and it's being used to manipulate us.

Without any further ado:

The truth.

The Devil is a white man. I'm going to name him. (No, it's not Trump.)  I'm going to name who he was in past lives and explain how he achieved his power. He exists on this plane and he is actively manipulating things currently as a human being living and breathing among us right now.  The Devil is a man, a white man who learned the power of ALCHEMY and the power of IMORTALITY.  He was a student of the occult sciences beneath ancient Black African Egyptians but he was most certainly not as knowledgeable as the masters he learned the information from.  He believes himself to be God-like but ultimately he is a man, an immortal one but he brought all his human frailties to his eternal existence.

The Devil CREATED religion. He created the actual concept of religion in order to use it as a mind control tool.  He created religion, the tenets of religion, he created Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, not one of them is even remotely close to being truthful.  He created the very concepts of God, heaven, hell, the whole nine; he stole the concept of Jesus from ancient Egypt and he egotistically insinuated himself into religions because he’s ultimately very insecure.  His devotees, his followers lack conscience, morality is a made-up concept so they certainly don’t possess any of that.  More importantly, they will kill, cheat, lie, destroy, they will do anything for more money.  World domination is their agenda and they will stop at nothing until they have it.  If they don’t get it, they will destroy the planet and start all over again. 

ALL white people are not the devil, they are not all inherently evil, they are more like pawns in a game who are being manipulated.  Many, MANY white people are racist and evil, the vile hatred within them consumes their soul, it’s a natural byproduct.  Divine Loving Consciousness doesn’t require you to love racists.  You can hate them.  While you are in this reality, you are here to experience the full spectrum of human emotions.  Right and wrong exist, but you aren’t going to be judged for your actions, thoughts, or sins. 

Black people have more in common with white people who believe in Jewish space lasers and a flat Earth than we have in common with the master manipulators.  The racist masses are ultimately seeking the truth and the truth is unbelievable, and they really aren't going to like the truth when they hear it. Even the most loving, spiritual angel-channeling, vegan, “I’m not racist,” white person is still very much disconnected from the truth because they believe the false timeline, they believe the false narrative. 

The false narrative tells them that white people are the originators of everything good in the world.  They believe that Plato and Socrates, DaVinci, and everything Greek, Roman, and Anglo Saxon is the source of all of the world’s ingenuity and genius and intellect.  White people believe that they created and invented everything.  They believe that Africans contributed nothing to society.  That BELIEF is the very source of racism, it is the source of racism in white people’s hearts,   racism is NOT some bad character trait that makes you hate niggers. Racism’s origins are rooted in believing that white people are the most enlightened, most intelligent, most creative, most advanced and civilized people on the planet.  Everyone alive is a victim of the fallacy of white supremacy, everyone, but the ones who benefit from it, especially the people who manipulate it for their financial and sexual benefit, don't look anything like me. 

The truth: White people have STOLEN everything.  What wasn't stolen was magickly enhanced. 

The Devil has given out power of immortality and alchemy to 13 entities.  "They," the beneficiaries of Satan's spoils, most of whom are already known, a few not so much, at least they haven't been identified as the evil they really are, they are now immortal and they do so much fucked up shit it's revolting to anyone with an iota of humanity in them.  The Devil has promised them immortality, everlasting life and wealth more than they can count, they didn't know that they were already Divine Loving Consciousness in their essence which is eternal.  The Devil has also purchased a lot of souls.  He has promised them fame and fortune beyond belief.  He has used magick to create their success; he made them billionaires.  Their fame is not deserved.  Their fortunes were not earned. 

“They," the families that have passed down their ill-gotten gains, are more evil than the contemporary human mind can comprehend and they are manipulating EVERYTHING around us, things we think it is impossible to manipulate, things you're going to say I'm crazy for suggesting.  They have created what we perceive as reality and they are masterful at using their magical powers for their own gain.  They can never have enough money.  Their greed and ruthlessness know no bounds.    

The Ultimate Truth:  All there is, is Divine Loving Consciousness.   Divine Loving Consciousness is in each and every one of us.  Every single person has access to Divine Loving Consciousness but we have been brainwashed to believe in everything opposite it: competition, jealousy, insecurity, violence, hatred, judgment . . . they are all false idols: everything is designed to manipulate us.  Everything we know are lies. 

The amazing and beautiful news is that we win.  We win.

Where Did All the Money Go?

 This has really been bothering me.  I can't figure this one out.  

Mansa Musa was the richest man in the world.  

Where did his wealth go?  It's supposed to be willed to his children.  The oldest son becomes the next in line but the daughter gets the kickback if there is no male heir.  It's been that way since the beginning of time so there should be descendants of Mansa Musa rich as fuck right now.  We should be watching "Makin' Musa Money" on Bravo right now. Kim Musa's makeup line should be lit but there is no Musa legacy or lineage of wealth.  

OK, so maybe his little swimmers couldn't seal the deal, he had no children, certainly, those in power around him would have fought over who was the new leader and they would have taken control of the money.  The power-hungry leftenant battles the jealous brother who always wanted to be King in a fight to the death for the throne. I'm pretty sure that's how they did things in those days, they made it a . . . Game of sorts . . . of Thrones one might say.  Just ask Mufassa.  Scar literally wrote the playbook for that move. 

So, I'm thinking about it, and I'm wondering, not only where did the money go, but where is the palace?  He was the richest man in the world, he didn't live in a hut made of cow dung, he had to have a palace that dwarfed the pyramids . . . because he was richer than the pharaohs.  Where's the palace?  Where's the relics?  Where are the ruins?  Where's a crown, a piece of art, where is all his shit?  WHERE'S THE GOLD? He had tons and tons and tons of gold. Where is it now?  Where did it go?  He had to have jewels, and statues, and temples, and books, treasures beyond measure.  Uhmmmm, and forgive me for being repetitive, but where is his shit?  

If he was the richest man in the world, he was clearly very intelligent, because that's how billionaires become so, hard work and their intelligence.  Nothing else.  So, this Black African man was able to create so much wealth that he traveled with caravans of gold.  Wouldn't that mean that there should be a major city, a MAJOR city that would have supported the number of people required to do all the trade necessary to become the richest man in the world?   It wasn't just him alone in the dessert making gold out of thin air.  He had to have a trade route, business,employees, contractors, merchants, there had to be a huge population of people that lived there and presumably, some of them should have been rich too.  He couldn't have been the ONLY rich person in Africa.    

Where is the city?  Shouldn't there be a New York, Paris, London, Berlin, Moscow sized modern city someone in Africa that still exists today where the richest man in the world once lived?  Am I supposed to believe he was the richest man in the world and he lived alone, him and his pet cat Sheba, and all his gold. Seventy five percent of Europe is old buildings that were built in the 1300s.  Perhaps the weather and environmental conditions in Greece and Italy are better for ancient cities to remain in tact for centuries than they are in Africa.  I'm told the heat can be intense in Africa so that's a thing. Maybe the city melted into the center of the earth. I say that there should be a major metropolis somewhere in Africa that still exists as a result of his fingerprint on the planet. Why isn't there?

It does seem a little more than strange that Mansa Musa is not in any history books in the United States. Let me ask my Africans on the continent. Do they teach you about the great Mansa Musa in Africa?  How does an entire continent forget about the person who was the richest man in the world?  Nobody said, "What ever happened to that guy, the one who was the richest man in the world?  Remember him?  Yeah, he sure was rich!"  Seems like, even if the history books have not been kind to Mr. Musa, I would have thought that the people who lived under his rule, their descendants would be writing rap songs today, talking about how they are going be rich like Mansa Musa.  It's like a club chant without even trying.  "When I say Mansa, you say Musa . . . "  How come that's not a thing?  How come we don't have a collective memory of the richest man in the world?

There's nothing the United States loves more than a billionaire success story.  And white men have REPEATEDLY told me that they don't care if you're black, white, red, purple, or green, they're not racist, they don't see color, the only color that matters is them is green.  So why are there no movies about the great and powerful Mansa Musa?  

Duh, because he's Black! That was a trick question.  You thought I was going to give you a checklist of things that make up a crazy conspiracy theory and make you see things in a new light.  Nope.  Hollywood does noy want to see a movie about a Black Muslim who was the richest man in the world.  Period.  

Now, white men are going to use their clearly superior intellects to tell me why each and every question I have raised is easily explained.  It's what they do.  Nothing is EVER more than it seems There is always a rational explanation for everything under the sun.  

In my mind, and maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking Africa should be a much, much richer continent if the man who was the richest man in the world lived there.  Unless . . . his wealth was stolen.  That would make sense.  If someone stole his money, wouldn't they have also had to have masterminded removing every trace of him from the continent as well?  Were there multiple players in place?  One faction stole the money, one faction got rid off all the physical evidence, one faction was tasked with removing any memory of him from the people who would be his kingdom.  That's some heavy lifting.  Maybe the Illuminati is more powerful than we think.  

Can anyone explain how all of these things together seem to the have accomplished virtually the complete removal of Mansa Musa, his wealth, his legacy, even his memory have been completely wiped off the face of the planet?  It's almost as if someone  or something, some force perhaps made him and everything he owned just DISAPPEAR into thin air.  

White Privilege Primer

For the 1000^th time, and for the people in the back, white privilege is not a tangible benefit you get for being white.  It’s not extra money deposited in your bank account for being white.  White privilege is not a coupon code you get for whitewater rafting trips and pumpkin spice lattes; it’s not a trophy you get to hit Black people with when you don’t like them in spaces where you don’t think we belong.  White privilege means never having to know the pain of being something other than the norm.  White people have been the norm since the architects of history erased Black accomplishment and rewrote white people as the heroes. You have what no Black person, no person of color can ever hope to have in this lifetime; you have the benefit of the doubt.  The world will always see you, your opinion, your voice, and your beliefs as more valid than mine because of your whiteness.  That is white privilege.

Society has never hated your whiteness.  You were not born into a society whose foundations were predicated on the assumption that you were less than human.  The fact that you have never had to contemplate what it feels like to have skin that is universally despised, the fact that people with your skin color are seen as universally right, just, beautiful, and smart, the fact that you have never once been seen as a threat because of the color of your skin is the very definition of white privilege. You've never had to manipulate your identity to compensate for the fact that you are seen as less than right out of you mother's womb. Unless you have been raised in a society where you, where who you are as a person, is hated for superficial and false reasons, unless you are powerless to change that perception, you will never understand what the pain of not being white in a society that worships whiteness feels like.  

White people, you have never lived in a world where your whiteness has been viewed as inherently inferior so you have that advantage over Black people.  That is a privilege.  You have lived your entire life in a world where God was created in your image, that’s not anything close to what I can say so you have that advantage over me.  You exist in a world where you’ve been told that every invention of everything good was from someone who looked like you.  That’s not true by the way.  White people stole Black/Africans knowledge, wisdom, wealth, art, and secrets and claimed them as their own. Your anger at that statement, is racism. That feeling of anger boiling up in you is your subconscious mind insisting that Black people are inferior and incapable of creating anything worth stealing.  I wish I could say that I grew up in a world that accurately told the tales of the great accomplishments of my people, but white men have written history so they are always the victors and Black people are always pawns. 

I wish I could know what it feels like to live in a world where Black people were Gods, where Black people performed magic and understood the heavens and the seas, where we were the architects of civilization and art and science and mathematics, and we lived in harmony together.  I can’t live in that society, however.  I was born into a society that falsely believes that people who look like me have never contributed anything to the world stage.  You have no idea what that feels like because you were white and born into this world created by white men just for you to feel like you were superior to everyone else. 

So, your argument is going to be, “I don’t hate Black people, I’ve never seen Black people as inferior so you’re not talking about me.” There are multiple levels of error with that sentiment.  First and foremost, you are unaware of your subconscious beliefs.  You can’t live in a society that broadcasts Black faces as criminals as the first new story every night and not have that negatively color your perception of Black people.  You lock your door when you see a Black person in a neighborhood.  You wait for the next elevator because you fear a Black person is going to rape and rob you.  You shake your head in disgust when you see a Black woman in Walmart with loud kids and you don’t even care if white kids are loud.  That’s your inherent bias.  You might SAY I’m not racist.  That doesn’t mean that every single belief system you have isn’t based on racist beliefs. 

Now, back to your regularly scheduled deprogramming.  You’ve never turned on a television and been stressed out because every single show on TV is about people who look nothing like you, don’t have anything to do with your reality, or make the people who look like you a fucking criminal or a clown.  If you want to find a TV or movie where people who look like you are the heroes, all you have to do is flip a few channels, you’ll find it.  Me, I have to wait for February.  I have to subscribe to a streaming service. You don’t know what that feels like, so you have that advantage over me.  You say that’s not a big deal, that no one cares about that sort of thing. I say that if you turned on the TV and every show, every movie, every person you saw was Black, every storyline was about the greatness of Black people, every Black character saved the day, you would lose your fucking mind.  Every fucking channel is White Entertainment Network.  Every fucking channel has white programming executives creating content based on their personal racist perceptions.  Every Black show, every Black movie has white people behind it inserting their privilege and racist perceptions.  Every fucking month is white history month because your false history, the history where white people are the heroes and saviors of everything, is all that’s taught in schools. 

You are privileged.  You’ve never looked for a book about a topic and discovered that not one single person who looked like you had authored one.  You’ve never even had to think about something like that, right?  That’s a privilege because that is my experience every time I go on Amazon.  Well, there are no published books, because surely, the publishing community rejected all the authors who looked like me because they didn’t think Black people have a valid voice on the subject, whatever the subject may be.  You’ve never had to experience anything like that in your life.  That’s privilege.

“Well, that’s dumb!  Information is information, it doesn’t matter what color the person is who wrote the book!  You’re the racist for caring about what color the author is.” If the shoe were on the other foot, if you were looking for a book on making stained glass or the history of the organ in the Roman Catholic church, you’d be put off if the only authors on said subjects were Black.  If every book you were interested in had a Black author, you’d say that they weren’t as smart, they didn’t do their research well, that they couldn’t be as smart as a white scholar on the subject.  That’s your racism whether you want to admit it or not. 

 What you’re feeling right now as you form your empty arguments against me is racism.  You need to prove that racism isn’t real, that you don’t have any privilege, and that Black people are making it all up.  That need that you feel to put me in my place, that anger you feel when you think about Black people saying that things are unfair and that you benefit and that you perpetuate racism, is racism.  It’s your belief that we don’t have a right to express any complaints, that if we are unhappy and/or poor, it’s our own damn fault because you’re just lazy and dumb, your core belief is that we are inherently inferior, it’s what you’ve been told your entire life in ways you’ve never considered or contemplated. 

You don’t want us to talk about racism because it makes you mad to think that there are justified reasons we are angry, you want to believe that our anger is unjustified because you don’t think racism isn’t real.  I don’t know how else to explain it to you.  That’s racist.  You being mad at me discussing racism because you don’t like me saying that the system is rigged in your favor is the definition of racism.  It’s denying my pain because it doesn’t make you comfortable.  And unfortunately for you, I won’t do any fucking more.   I’m not going to let you get away with your irrational, immature rant, telling Black people to go back to Africa in one breath and screaming that you aren’t racist in the next, and have you walk away thinking that your opinion invalidates racism. 

Sit with it.  Digest it.  Understand that you acknowledging that you have white privilege, acknowledging that you can’t have the same or even similar painful experiences that Black people have since birth if the first step to you letting go of the fallacy of white supremacy. I know you think that you can’t give up anything, if you concede and admit that racism is real, you think that Black people are going to rise up and enslave whites.  Hell, you were born into a world that was created to make you appear as if you are perfect.  And you’ve grown up believing that.  Calm down, I’m not saying you don’t have insecurities and fears or that you’ve necessarily had an easy life vis-à-vis your whiteness.  I’m saying your life has been better than people with Black skin because we have been told that we don’t belong here.  You’ve been told that you created everything in the world we live in. 

If I had a choice, I would rather be the be living in a world where Blackness was seen as beautiful.  I would like you to invite you to shut the fuck up because you are screaming right now that you think Black people are beautiful.  Society doesn’t.  Society sees Black skin as ugly.  Society sees Black noses as ugly.  Society sees Black people as criminal, lazy, stupid, and ugly. You don’t even see Black people as beautiful, you see us as arousing.  Two different things. You pretending that society doesn’t see Black people as inferior because you individually see Black people as sexually arousing does not negate racism, it is an example of your racism.  Please stop being obtuse and insisting that racism doesn’t exist because you think your personal experience and perception of race invalidates the heinous and debilitating institution of racism. 

Wanting to fuck Black people is not an indication that you aren’t racist.  Wanting to be submissive to Black people is not an indication that you aren’t racist. I’m sorry, but wanting to be sexually degraded, humiliated, and tortured by Black people is not an indication that you aren’t racist. Are you getting it yet?  Even if you swear your sexual desires are not driven by race in any way shape or form, color doesn’t matter, kumbaya, the whole nine, that doesn’t mean that you are self-aware or introspective enough to identify your racism. 

Racism is far more complex and nuanced than white people who aren’t active and avid anti-racists have ever thought of.  Unless you have dedicated your life to understanding and fighting racism, you are incapable of speaking on racism because you know nothing, you know less than nothing about racism.  The clichés you repeat, the ones ingrained in you, those aren’t going to work anymore. You are going to be really pissed off in the next few years because I have new for you, your reign of having the last word, of silencing anyone who doesn’t agree with you, the days of having your opinion being considered more valid than everyone else’s is over. 

I’ve got more bad news for you, white people.  Denying that you have privilege . . . denying that white privilege exists . . . that’s racist.  Denying that white privilege exists is essentially saying that the playing field is level and that everyone has the same opportunity and that Black people are making complaints because we are ungrateful, we are exaggerating, that things are fair and just and if there is any evidence to the contrary, it’s all Black people’s fault for being criminal and dumb.  That’s not true.  I know it’s what you believe, but it’s not true.  The truth is, that when Black people are given even the smallest opportunity, even when it comes saddled with racism and obstacles that white people don’t have, we excel at whatever we do.  If Black people had access to the same opportunities as you, in a world that hates us, we would excel in every possible way.  You have yet to give us credit for that.  We have survived and succeeded when you have had every advantage.  That’s testament to our greatness. 

Denying that you have white privilege is the blatant denial of the fact that every system in this country is built to make white people right and people of color wrong.  You don’t want to think about the fact that the justice system is rigged to incarcerate Black people and let white people get away with murder because of the presumption that Black people are more criminal.  We aren’t.  We are more oppressed.  We are more disadvantaged.  We are denied more opportunities than whites.  If you were denied the same opportunities as Blacks consistently, for generations, I would dare say that white people would not have been able to survive. 

I had a white man tell me recently that white privilege wasn’t a thing because . . . follow me with this one . . . white people are the ones creating false identities as Black people, white people are actively choosing and pretending to be Black so white privilege can’t be a thing.  The basis of his belief is that if so many white people are assuming Black identities, he reasoned, then white privilege can’t be a thing because no white person would want to be Black, no white person would want to assume a Black identity, because whiteness would be better, thus white privilege is a made up concept and Black people are just bitching about white privilege. Still with me? This highly educated white man has convinced himself that white privilege is completely baseless because white people have arrogantly assumed that they could navigate the world and speak to the world as a Black person.  He didn’t see that as white delusional thinking.  He saw that as proof that Black people were insufferable whiners who complained about racism where there isn’t any. 

I confess, I lost it.  The more he made his ridiculous and insane assertions, the angrier and more frustrated I got.  I ended up yelling at him to shut the fuck up and I hung up on him because his assertions were so fucking stupid and he kept asserting that he had definitive proof that racism doesn’t exist because it’s white people who are pretending to be Black.  In the end he condescendingly said that I was unable to handle candid conversations because I refused to even acknowledge what he was saying was valid.  That is white privilege.  I’ve never in my life had the ego or audacity to tell someone else that their experience of life wasn’t as bad as they said it was because my opinion is different.  White men are so used to being told they’re always right that they think they can negate 400 years of racism with the actions of a handful of clearly insane white people. 

This white man never once considered that Blackness is more than color, blackness is an experience.  Blackness is having grandparents who survived Jim Crow and oppressive racism shape your sensibilities and your fears about being Black in a world that doesn’t value you; Blackness is not wearing brown makeup.  Blackness is knowing that your life isn’t as valid as white people’s, Blackness is not a posting #BlackLivesMatter in a Twitter post.  This guy created an absurd truth based on his concept of what it means to be Black in his mind.  In his white mind, Blackness is highly coveted.  He thinks Blackness is the ability of Black men to fuck white women with a big dick.  He has no concept of the pain of being Black.  There is nothing painful about being Black to him because he’s white, privileged, arrogant, and obtuse.  More importantly, he never considered that Blackness is a tragedy. 

The tragic flaw with his delusional thinking is those sad and pathetic white people pretended to be Black, they didn’t actually grow up in a environment where they were called redbone, or high yella, or Sambo, or house nigga by other Black people. They never experienced being called the many creatie racist epithets that white people love to throw around when they are feeling cocky and safe.   They never experienced that sort of pain, thus, their fake personas are not an indication that racism isn’t bad or that white supremacy doesn’t exist.  These imposters didn’t grow up in a society where every magazine, every movie, every TV show, fuck, every myth, fairy tale, and magical creature was Black and they felt different and flawed for being born.  This guy failed to grasp that Blackness was more than just the skin color he jerks off to watching interracial porn. 

Racism can’t be reversed.  I know you want to yell and scream that it can be.  You want to believe that someone calling you a cracker in the 7^th grade is the same as calling a Black person a nigger.  It’s not.  Your failure to recognize the historical context of racism, your failure to empathize and understand that being white in a world literally created to falsely identify whites as superior, is racist.  I can’t, I didn’t grow up in a world where my Blackness was revered as sacred, holy, righteous, and pure so I can’t, we can’t have the same experience of racism.  You are always going to be the beneficiary of the fallacy of white supremacy; the system was designed for me to never have power over you.  I will never know what it means to know that my identity, irrespective of anything that I’ve personally done, is worshipped around the world as being the creators and originators of the world as we know it.  African accomplishment and achievement has been erased from history.  African heroes have been written out of world history.   African consciousness has been grafted with the greed, materialism, and the petty insecurity of white consciousness so that we have no access to our greatness as a people.  White people will never ever know what that feels like and that is the ultimate white privilege. 

 

Scottie's Theory of (De)Evolution

For a little over a year and a half I have been getting flashes of spiritual insights. I didn't put too much into them because I said, "I'm no one special so I can't tell anyone these things because no one will believe me. Everyone will think I'm crazy." Well, after watching hundreds of hours of gnostic and metaphysical programming, I'm convinced my insights are just as valid, if not moreso, than any of those white people, so I'm going to speak my truth to power.

The basis of everything we know to be true in life is not only wrong, but it's intentionally wrong with the intent to brainwash the masses to believe in the fallacy of white suprmacy.

The general timeline of civilization that we have accepted as truth pretty much goes like this: dinosaurs, cavemen, hunter/gatherers, dark ages, Renaissance, industrial revolution, modern day. Everything in history has to coincide with that timeline or the whole idea of Greek and Roman scholars being the smartest people on the planet falls apart. The pyramids of Egypt can't be older than 5000 years old because that would mean the timeline of Earth's evolution was centered in Black African Egypt, and we can't have anyone thinking that, right?

Well, here's my truth.

Human beings absolutely did not evolve from apes, we did not emerge from caves to discover fire only to evolve so that the contemporary human is the smartest version of human being in history. Nope. Wrong. We are, in fact, the least technologically advanced, the least enlighted manifestation of human beings that have existed on the planet. Everything we know is based on 1st and 2nd Chakra vibrations, sex,greed,power, survival, competition, etc. LOVE is the reason we ate here. We are her to love. Give, love, receive love, to be loved, to reflect love in everything we say, think, and do. We have no concept of our true power as humans. We are only operating at a tiny fraction of our potential.

Pyramids are not tombs, they are power plants, electrical/ spiritual stations. There are pyramids all over the planet. Pyramids were built to be centers of enlightenment around the globe. They were not built by hand, as we would do it today with machines and computers, but they were built with mental and spiritual power. They have survived the destruction of the planet many, many times. Great floods, ice ages, war, the planet being hit by celestial bofies; Earth has started over many times. Pyramids serve as historical universities. Hieroglyphs tell spiritual truths we don't yet comprehend. Human beings were smarter, more technologically advanced than we are today. We used all of our brains.. We could time travel, Astral project, we could build shit with our minds. Atlantis was one of many civilizations that perished when human beings ( and other dimensional beings ) let their greed and lower vibrational energy get out of control.

The Earth has destroyed itself and started over many times. Life, what we recognize as human beings, began in Black Africa, how many 10s of thousands or 100s of thousands or even millions, billions, or trillions of years ago I've yet to discover. Carbon dating has been fudged for decades to make everything fit the white suprmacy narrative. We did not evolve from apes but rather we were the creation of a higher consciousness, the God source. Human beings were omniscient, we cognitively and inherently knew everything about nature, the sciences, medicine, technology, mathematics, and astronomy, far more than we even comprehend now. We lived in harmony with the earth. Rules about morality, sex, sexuality, gender, etc did not exist. Money and capitalism didn't exist. No, prostitution was not the oldest profession. In fact, the world map looked entirely different than it does now.

Women were not created to be the hand maidens of men. In fact, for a long time, only women existed. Women didn't need men to reproduce. (I know. Sounds crazy! I get it.) And we not only exist here, we exist simultaneously in other dimensions. The past and present are illusions. We are not physical at all. Within each cell in our bodies, within evey atom, exists the entire INFINITE Universe. We are tiny atoms in the consciousness of the Universe. Our true identity is the ONE, We are all from the same source, the same mother - nature.

People of color were not, and are not inferior to Caucasians. Caucasians were created out of some sort of . . . I almost want to say an experiment. It was some sort of genetic manipulation that created white people but I can't really tell you by whom or why or even how right now. I'm still getting pictures and information and a lot of it doesn't have words, just feelings. Anyway, white men were intimidated by The Moors, by Africans in KMT (what we call Egypt today), and by anyone of color around the globe. White men STOLE the ancient teachings from around the globe and what they didn't destroy, they housed in the archives at The Vatican. White men had to conquer the planet and control everyone in it in order to feel good about themselves. White people are the lowest vibrational beings on the planet currently. They have never been superior. Our entire perceived reality is a manifestation of white people's insecurities, greed, and low vibrational frequency.

White people then convinced all of Europe and then the world that they were the authors of and creators of . . . everything under the sun. White people created a religion that made women inferor, that made white men Godlike. The created the rules and definitions of masculinity and femininity. They made up gender rules to keep women oppressed because white men were so immature and insecure. They saw Black men's bigger dicks and they freaked the fuck out. They knew their wives would never want their little dicks so they made sex a sin. They told people that sex was wrong and bad and that a man had to own a woman before God would approve. They made homosexuslity wrong because anal sex was a pathway to transcendence and enlightenment. They made Africans, Indians and all people of color whom they stole all their knowledge from, appear to be inferior. Meanwhile, indigenous people around the planet knew how to use plants as medicine, we had no shame about sex, we didn't have rigid gender roles, we lived in harmony with nature, we vould navigate the stars, we understood the vibrational, energetic frequency of the Universe.

White people had help pulling this all off. Higher dimensional beings told them how the subconscious mind worked and what exactly they would have to do in order to take control of the planet. Why? I hate to say it but it's an experiment, almost like a video game the The Universe is playing. It's not a malicious game, it's intent is not to oppress anyone particular race because we are all voluntary players in the game. We are merely actors in roles in a gigantic virtual reality game. It's like the creator said, " I wonder what would happen if we let this Caucasian mutation dictate reality? For the Universe, the few thousands of years that white men have been pretending to be superior is only a fraction, a blip in the time space continuum.

Today, there are most assuredly, secret societies and families ruling the world without being seen, pulling strings behind the curtain. They are quite convinced they are going to gain global/financial domination of the world, they have metaphysical tools at their disposal we don't know about. Their time is ending now.

Love is going to win. Cooperative economics is going to win. The fallacy of white supremacy is going to lose. Greed, patriotism, patriarchy, misogyny, racism, xenophobia . . . it's all being destroyed. Within 30 years, we will be a new planet. We will be more spiritual, more connected, more advanced. Once we rid ourselves of the false beliefs white people instilled in us for millennia we will create a world of true equality, peace, harmony, and LOVE.

4 minutes ago

Inextinguishable Flame

     I wrote this story in 2005.  It was, up until last night, one of the stories that was going to be published in my groundbreaking and seminal work, In Loving Color.  In Loving Color remains my artistic and creative pièce de résistance.  In Loving Color  is a coffee table book of erotic images and stories and it will be the foundation of a global erotic revolution, it will usher in a new age of Black Sexuality and how we communicate and relate to one another intimately and erotically  

This story was, for 15 years in fact, the most important story I've ever written.  It is one of only 2 or 3 stories I've ever written that is about me: the names have been changed to protect the innocent but the events NEVER happened.  This story was my healing salve, it was my hope for a brighter future with this man I loved but who was incapable of loving me in any sort of healthy way at the time.   

      "Elijah" and I have long since moved on.  He's married now and I pray he's happy.  I've been in a few relationships since I wrote this story.  I'm currently working hard to heal my issues and find love that is evolved, enlightened, and unapologetically  AfroerotiK. I think this story should be acknowledged and recognized for helping me believe in my own happily ever after but I don't want to hold on to the energy of attracting Elijah back into my life.  I decided that I'm going to write a new story for the book; one based on all that I've learned and how I've evolved in the past 15 years.  This story is beautiful.  I want to  share it with the world, with you, with the hopes that it can spark the dialogue needed to help us heal.  It is my prayer that you receive my story with the intent with which it was written.  Thank you sincerely and humbly for taking the time to share my world. 

There was a commotion outside Robbie Scott’s office at Nubian Entertainment.  She could hear the excited voice of her assistant getting more and more animated.  Robbie pressed the button on the intercom to inquire about the drama.  

“I’m terribly sorry Robbie but there’s a gentleman here who insists that you’ll want to see him.  He doesn’t have an appointment but he won’t take no for an answer.  I’m calling Security now so they can escort him out.”  

“Ebony, who on earth is it?”  Robbie had no clue who would be that anxious to see her as she stayed under the radar for the most part.  She coveted her privacy and nothing was going on in her personal or professional life that would warrant such urgency. Glancing at her calendar, she didn’t have any appointments so she was intrigued why anyone would be so insistent.

“He says his name is Elijah Ringer and that he’s an old friend of yours.”

For the briefest of moments, time stood still.  

It had been many years since Robbie had seen her old lover and arch nemesis.  Robbie sunk back in her leather chair and closed her eyes.  Her heart began to race and she felt that telltale jolt of electricity that was the standard Robbie/Elijah dynamic.  She was tempted to say that she was unavailable but before she knew it she said softly, “Please . . . uhmmm send . . . send him in,” the words catching in her throat like shards of glass.  

He closed the door behind him and stood across the expansive office, making intense eye contact with his piercing, expressive, dark eyes.  His face lit up and he flashed a smile that showed his enormous dimples.  Robbie stood to greet him and felt her knees weaken.  She silently cursed herself for her genetic weakness for this man as he approached her.  

“She’s quite a little firecracker.  Very protective.  That’s good.”  He moved closer to her.  “Well, well, well, Roberta Mae!  It’s good to see you.”  His voice sounded soothing to her soul as he walked slowly around her desk to embrace her.  “You aren’t going to hit me, are you?” he joked. He put his arms around her waist.  “Here, give me a hug,” and he pulled her close without her permission.  

Every nerve in Robbie’s body was alive with energy as she felt his hands on the small of her back.  “My 94 year old grandmother is the only one who is allowed to call me that, you know that, right,” she whispered semi-seductively in his ear. 

Elijah was in awe of the electricity that flowed through his body in the presence of his long-time friend and long-lost lover.  She fit into his arms perfectly and they stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity but what was only seconds.  There was a glitch in the time and space continuum and every sensation was as if they were transported back in time to practically 20 years earlier when they first became lovers.  He caressed her back and nuzzled his full lips against her neck.  

Sensing herself falling into a familiar pattern, Robbie pushed him away and invited him to sit down on one of the sofas that decorated her contemporary office with her characteristic Afrocentric flair.  She closed the blinds to prevent anyone’s prying eyes and the errant opportunity for the office gossip spreading all of her personal business to the tabloids.  Robbie sat with a lot of distance between them and her body language showed her discomfort.  She wasn’t even sure what to say.  

 The thing that made Robbie and Elijah so dynamic together was their ability to communicate verbally as well as non-verbally on a deep level.  They could finish each other’s sentences and talk for hours about deep philosophical issues.  They would approach a topic from opposite perspectives and both could be equally as articulate in their positions.  When the debate was said and done, they would make love passionately as if their mental sparring only spurred their passions.  Oddly enough, their downfall was their different ideas of what constitutes a relationship, their polar opposite dreams, goals, and objectives.  It never failed that they just couldn’t work things out between them.  It was the universe’s little practical joke on them.  

Content to make small talk, Robbie inquired, “What brings you to town?  What have you been up to?  How are the children?  You certainly look fantastic!”  Robbie had a string of questions intended to get a mental picture of what his life had been like since they had last seen each other.  Shortly after they parted not so amicably, Robbie’s career took off in ways she could have never imagined so much of her story was known to him.  She knew nothing of what had happened to him.  Elijah answered all her questions in the order they were given.  He had the need to create a comfort zone for her because the last time they had spent time together had been one filled with tension and animosity.  

“I’m here to seal a real estate deal and visit friends.  I’ve settled down extensively since the last time we spoke.  Would you believe that Craig is on his way to England to study abroad and Misha is in cheerleading camp as we speak?  I couldn’t be more proud of them.  But, how are you?  I’ve followed your meteoric success.  I always knew you would be phenomenally successful.  I’m very proud of you.”

“Yes,” she looked around her office and at the magazine covers with her image on them that decorated the walls and little statuettes from various academies in recognition of her extraordinary screenwriting efforts.  “I’m doing a little better today than I was the last time I saw you when I was crashing at your place with $10.00 to my name and an idea for a movie.  I’ve done okay for myself.  I owe you for your hospitality and sharing your home with me when I was penniless.  What can I do to repay you?”  Her voice trailed off, reflecting on the way things ended with them: the anger, the hostility, the disappointment that she could never be the type of woman he needed her to be, and the pain of betrayal when he replaced her with multiple lovers in the time span of hours after she’d gone.  

Elijah was calm as he made it very clear that he wanted absolutely nothing from her in repayment. He could see the pain on her face and he felt consumed with guilt. “You don’t owe me anything.  In fact, it’s me who owes you.  I owe you an apology for the things I’ve done, for the way . . .” Now, it was his time for his voice to trail off.  Robbie, without thinking, reached out to touch his hand and she moved closer.  He regained his composure and he continued.  “You look beautiful.  I’ve never seen you look more radiant.”  

For the first time in years, Robbie saw the look in his eyes of a man that was taken with her.  It was a bittersweet sensation because she had longed for that look for so many years, she’d craved his affection and he withheld it for so long, preferring women with high maintenance demeanors to her decidedly low maintenance aesthetic.  Even with her newly acquired wealth, she was still erring on the side of simplicity, choosing to wear understated Afrocentric attire and still sporting her signature low haircut, only now she just had visible strands of gray she wore proudly.  Her body was still the same, if not better, and she hadn’t aged a day, in fact, she might have looked younger than when he last saw her, good living having its benefits and all.  

Elijah had changed his appearance drastically and he’d never looked better either.  His husky frame was gone.  He was in the shape of a man half his age and dressed in a sophisticated style of urban chic clothing but most striking was his carriage and demeanor.  He had an air of peace and serenity that seemed to ooze from his being and that filled the space around him. 

“I’m very sorry about your loss.  I wanted to send my condolences but I figured I would be the last person you wanted to hear from at the time.  I can only imagine that it’s very difficult having your life in the news at a time like that.  Know that you were in my prayers the entire time,” he said solemnly.  

Robbie looked at the family photo that sat on the coffee table of she and her late husband and their three children.  “You know, I’m at peace now.  He loved me in a way that I’d only dreamt about.  We had three of the most beautiful children in the world and for that I’m infinitely blessed.  He’s all around me, supporting me and loving me without the hindrance of his body.  A year ago, I thought I was going to die, but now, I know joy for having had the experience that most women can’t even imagine.  We had a wonderful, magical fairytale for our lives.”  

Robbie sat silently and reflected on the tragic demise of her late husband, Jason Vancouver, the famed director.  There had been an uprising in Sudan while they had been there doing research for a film.  Jason was doing a documentary on the Sudanese Liberation Movement/Army in Darfur and the acts of genocide that had taken place there.  Robbie was there to lend her assistance and document the stories and take oral histories from the victims while Jason was in the trenches, interviewing soldiers and government officials and radical dissidents.  Insurgent forces had been expanding their territory.  Jason got wind that there was to be an all out revolution and he made plans for he and Robbie to leave the country, fly to Europe, and then home to the States.  They were past the checkpoints and waiting for a flight at the airport when a soldier questioned Jason’s papers one last time.  There was a struggle for the film and Jason got hit in the head with the butt of a rifle and died three days later, never regaining full consciousness.  The government’s official account was that Jason ran into the rifle and his death was to be considered an accident.  Clutching the film, Robbie had to be smuggled out of the country in the false bottom of a pickup truck.  

Robbie’s three children were the reason she kept on living.  Their oldest child, Jamie, was adopted.  He was born deaf and he joined them when he was 6 years old.  At 12, he was one of the most brilliant children ever, hearing impaired or not.  His strength, love and insight helped Robbie make it through the darkest of nights.  Their middle child was actually Jason’s son from a previous relationship.  Tefari’s mother had died during childbirth in a freak complication that was far too common for women of color in a supposed first-world nation.  Robbie had known Tefari since he was two years old and she was, for all intents and purposes, the only mother he had ever known.  Their youngest was Daddy’s little girl, Malika, a child born to Robbie and Jason that made him more proud than any other accomplishments in his life.  

Coming back to the moment, Robbie commented, “You told me a long time ago that I would find the one, and I most certainly did.  I’m incredibly blessed for having been loved in that way.” 

Elijah leaned over; time stood still.  He tilted her face to his and said, “All I’ve ever wanted was your happiness and it does my heart good to know that you found it.  My only regret is that I wasn’t the man who could be what you were looking for.”

Robbie got visibly upset and stood quickly. Coughing and clearing her throat to distract him from the fact that she was a hot mess, a hot damn mess. “Well.  Alrighty then.  I have to get back to work, it was nice seeing you.  Do be sure to look me up when you are in town again.  Maybe we’ll do lunch.”

Elijah realized he had overstepped his boundaries and he apologized as he made his way to the door.  The relationship between the two of them had been full of pain and heartache, mostly because of his lying and manipulative ways.  Relationship really wasn’t the best word to describe what they had shared; it was better described as a tumultuous, fucked-up, more off than on, clash of wills. 

 Elijah had taken great pains to make sure that he fed Robbie with the bullshit needed to keep her in his life for very short periods of time and alienate her for very long periods of time when he tired of her and had found someone else to entertain him.  He took even greater pains to make sure that she remained in the status of fuck buddy and nothing more, never girlfriend, never even really lover because that would imply some level of commitment and/or respect.  Elijah loved himself.  He loved the way Robbie made him feel.  Sexually of course, they were compatible but Robbie was different mentally, emotionally, she was fare more intellectual and political than 99% of the women he usually dated, the ones that deserved the title of girlfriend in his eyes.  Robbie wasn’t like anyone else he knew and he couldn’t describe or even understand himself what kept him tied to her.  She was a challenge to him for sure.  He didn’t want to be with her but he needed her to be strung out over him so she could be there to stroke his ego, and his swollen member, whenever he was in the mood for their particular brand of deep, cerebral, intellectual exchange.  

Robbie, on the other had, had always held out hope that the two of them would somehow be able to work out their differences and form this fabulous bond.  She knew deep in her heart that he was using her but she thought he was masking a greater fear he had inside, the fear of being vulnerable, of being hurt.  For almost a decade, throughout all the drama and lies, it was her belief that she could help heal him from a terrible pain he held inside, an unpaid karmic debt of callous manipulation and deception he had earned from living and breathing every day as a Black man in a land that despises them, and then they would finally come together to share this magical, transcendent love.  After she’d cried too many tears, after she’d ached inside too many times, she realized that only Elijah could heal Elijah, and only after she realized that she needed to heal herself was when she made the decision to move on.  Within a year of cutting the emotional ties that bound them so intricately and dysfunctionally, while she was working on her first film, she found and married a man that was everything she had ever hoped for and more.  

Elijah apologized again and stood in silence as he saw Robbie in a light that he’d never seen her before.  The years apart had transformed him and now he could see a reflection of himself in her.  It wasn’t her new wealth and status, she was far too down to earth and he had evolved past his need to have a woman that was some sort of status symbol on his arm.  Standing in her office that day, he saw her with his veil of illusion lifted and beheld a magnificent thing of beauty personified in Robbie.  It was her integrity and insight, her uncompromising dedication to create social change and a relentless and undying ability to love that made her so breathtaking.  He saw her that day as a sista with unparalleled integrity and a mother of a movement to educate and enlighten.  She walked him to the door and they hugged again briefly before he turned to leave.

He held the doorknob in his hand before he turned it to leave and asked without turning back, “Are you seeing anyone?”  

“Well, uhmmm . . . Yes . . . actually, I’ve just recently started dating again and I’ve met someone very nice.  We’re in the beginning stages of course but I like everything I see so far.”  

Elijah looked back and said, “He’s a very lucky man.  And be sure to let him know that if he ever messes up, he’ll have to answer to me.”  

They smiled at each other and she turned her back to him and walked back to her desk.  She heard the door close as she had to practically grab for her desk to keep from falling.  She hated lying about seeing someone but she had to protect her heart.  She had spent way too many sessions on a therapist’s sofa trying to figure out why she had tolerated Elijah’s emotional abuse and their co-dependent, unhealthy relationship.  She was not, under any circumstances, going to allow herself to fall back into that same pattern again.  While he seemed different, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was different herself.  She had known love, true love, and there was no way in heaven or hell that she was going to let even the hint of Elijah Ringer back in her life to bring more pain.  

Nubian Entertainment had grown from a small movie production company to a huge, mega million dollar corporation overnight.  Well, only if overnight can be defined as the better part of 7 years Robbie spent pounding the pavement and banging on doors begging for someone, anyone to give her a shot at making an atypical movie about Black love.  With an Oscar nod on her first film under her belt, Nubian began producing some of the most exceptional and groundbreaking Black-written, directed, produced, and acted top-grossing films and TV shows ever.  It was a classic rags-to-riches story for the books, coming from nowhere and blossoming into a powerhouse in the entertainment industry.  The fact that it was headed up by a woman who was outspoken and controversial, becoming notorious based on the fact that she was such an uncompromising creative genius and housed in the consciousness of an activist and with the mind of an Ivy league professor was the real kicker.  

It all started with a screenplay that Robbie had written that was an outlet for her about her relationship with Elijah.  It touched the heart of people everywhere.  Black women adored the sentiment and the brutal honesty about things that had never been said before and brothas used the movie to spark much needed dialogues about the role of Black men in relationships and feelings and shit that Black men are never allowed to discuss lest they expose some vulnerability.  White people loved it too.  They were fascinated by the peek into Black culture that wasn’t normally represented in the media; it was eye-opening to them to see so many articulate and educated Blacks displaying aspects of themselves that weren’t ghetto and stereotypical.  Well, that and the hot and steamy sex scenes didn’t hurt either.  

From there, everything Robbie touched turned to gold.  There was buzz that she was on her way to becoming the next Oprah, with rumors of her own talk show, books, a record label, the possibilities were endless. 

For days following their encounter, Robbie would be startled by the phone every time it rang; secretly hoping it was Elijah, cursing herself for wanting it to be him at the same time.  Soon enough, relatively at least, she had settled back into her routine with the tentative assurance that he had slipped in and out of her life without incident.  She should have known better given their history but she was hoping against hope that the dynamics had changed.  She was not to be that lucky. 

As time went on, she put Elijah in the back of her mind and went about her business.  Robbie was meeting with a location scout to look at locations for a movie set.  They needed a hotel for a set that could be transformed into one of the Harlem Renaissance for a long-awaited and controversial movie about Langston Hughes.  They had narrowed down the choices to the top three and it was a day trip to see the actual locations with the director to scope angles.  The second hotel they saw was a newly renovated hotel that was yet to be re-opened for business.  The Director was in love with it the second he walked through the doors.  Robbie looked over the specs and was comfortable with the cost.  She called the contact number for Red River Reality to see if they could send over a contract immediately.  

The person on the other end of the phone answered “This is Elijah, how can I help you today?”  Robbie almost dropped her phone and she felt her stomach turn. 

“Ringer!”  She was furious.  “How the hell did you work this out?”  She was pissed off and had the familiar feeling that she had been manipulated yet again.

“Calm down Rob, relax.  You know, it’s amazing what sort of information Ebony will drop if you ply her with Godiva and a gift certificate to Moshood.  All I did was submit my location through the proper channels.  I was taking a chance it would be right for what you needed.” 

Robbie hung up the phone, fuming mad and ready to fire Ebony on the spot.  First, she tried to convince the director to consider another location but that was not going to happen.  She told the location scout to handle all the details for this aspect of the shoot.  She walked outside and realized she was being nothing less than irrational.  She took a deep breath and headed back to her office.  

She had calmed down considerably by the time she had walked past Ebony’s desk so she was no longer tempted to tell her to pack her things and go.  She knew how persuasive Elijah’s dimples and eyes could be.  It was all good, the film had gotten the perfect location and there was no harm done.  She had resolved to herself that it was all innocent business deal that Elijah had engineered with no ulterior motives whatsoever.  The plan was that she was going to call him back immediately and offer an apology.

That plan would have worked too if there hadn’t been four dozen calla lilies on her desk when she opened the door.  She read the card that said, “Ebony also spilled the beans that there is no man in your life . . . yet!  Love, E.”  

Robbie had no choice but to laugh.  They flowers were her favorite and it was the first romantic gesture that Elijah had ever made towards her.  She called him back to thank him for the flowers and apologize for her earlier rudeness and he answered the phone by saying, “Go out to dinner with me tonight.”  

“You arrogant son of a bitch,” she said as sweetly as those words could be said.

“Yeah, so I’ll pick you up at seven?  Does that sound good to you?”  He was obviously not going to take no for an answer.

“Did Ebony give you my address as well?” 

“She sho’ did.  You really need to reprimand her about that.  Good help is so hard to find  See you at seven then.”

     She was flattered by the effort he made but she was cautious that his new attention had a lot more to do with her financial portfolio than his genuine feelings for her.  It’s a lot easier to love a person who has millions than someone who can only afford to eat Ramen noodles every other day for sustenance.  Just like days of old, she wanted to believe in him.  She wanted to have faith in the connection that they had shared and she wanted to believe that he had feelings for her from a place that was deeply encoded in their DNA, a bond they shared since the minute they laid eyes on one another what seemed like a thousand years ago.  Once she had come to the realization that Elijah’s selfish motives all those years ago were truly malicious, a part of her love for him died.  It was a part of her heart that had to remain dead lest she be faced with the same hurt all over again.  She told herself that it would be one dinner; she would prove to herself that she was strong enough to resist the ineffable connection and let him leave her life on friendly terms rather than the hurt and pain that had been typical for them for so many years.  

     He was prompt when the concierge called and announced his arrival and let him up.  She made him wait a few minutes and emerged wearing a little black dress that worked to show off every bit of her personally-trained body.  Elijah held a single calla lily and extended it to her as he kissed her on the cheek gently.  He prayed a silent prayer that he would be able to communicate everything he wanted to say as they headed off for the restaurant.  

     It’s funny that all those years earlier he had been searching for a woman that was the center of attention and here he was with a woman that commanded more attention than any woman he had ever dated.  It wasn’t because she was rich, famous, and beautiful; although there was no denying that fact, it was because she was an outspoken activist and natural born leader dedicated to shattering the negative and stereotypical depictions of African Americans.  Elijah realized how incredibly blessed he was to have had such an amazing woman in his life at all and knowing that she had given her love to him freely, even though he didn’t deserve it at the time, was enough to humble him to silence once again.  Now, the only thing he sought in a partner was that level of comfort and acceptance she had shown him all those years ago.  He sought the pure and innocent love he had known from Robbie that he so heartlessly discarded in the past that held a higher vision for him when all those around him fed into his illusions.

     As they ordered dinner, he began the tale of his transformation.  When they last saw each other, Elijah was on a path of self-destruction and fast.  “Rob, I was out of control at that stage in my life and it seemed like every time I tried to run from my truth you were there asking me to look inside myself.  Every time you tried to make me be introspective, I struck out at you, I hated you for it.  I pushed you away all those times because I didn’t know how to deal with me, how to come clean emotionally.  I didn’t even think I had emotions truth be told.  I thought emotions were chick stuff.”  

     “After you left my place . . . I mean like when your movie came out, I was so pissed at you I didn’t care if I saw you again ever in life.  I had spent weeks telling everyone I knew that you were my friend and how you had written your movie while you were staying with me.  Then when I saw that you had called me out as a playboy and a liar in the flick, I called you every bitch in the book and went on damage control convincing all my friends who suspected that the guy in the movie was actually me that you were a lunatic and that I never had any feelings for you.  You were dead to me from that point on; I didn’t care if I saw you ever again in life.”  

     He continued, “I hate to admit it but your depiction of me in the movie was accurate.  Truth is, I was chasing so many women; I was lying to all of them, never giving myself completely to any of them.  I wouldn’t even admit the truth to myself.  In my defense, I was so oblivious to how destructive my life was because I didn’t know any other way.  In my mind and in my heart, I saw the world as flawed and I was the only person that got it right.  I had constructed this complex set of rules and I was confident that they held the key to the universe, never once imagining that they were the reason I was hurting deep inside.  You couldn’t have told me that anything was wrong with me because I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was a good Black man and that I had no role in creating pain in anyone else’s life.  I didn’t even realize that I was creating pain in my own life with my behaviors.  Lying came so natural to me that I didn’t even know how to be completely truthful with anyone, let alone myself.  I never felt whole inside so I would lead women down this path of pretending to be everything they wanted and then blame them when they fell for the empty façade.”  

     “I had a lot invested in maintaining my persona of perfection.  I mean I was the one that everyone would come to for advice because I was supposed to be so together.  I would council people and preach about the evils of everyone else and never let on that I was guilty of the exact same things I would admonish other people for.  I had everyone convinced I was wise and had nothing but sensible advice, even myself, but there was something nagging inside me that knew the truth.  I would console women about how they needed to let go of these married and cheating men in their lives and I was dating married women left and right, getting a thrill from it, never having to be emotionally available to them.  I was pursuing women, cheating on them and all the while telling them that I was a reformed cheater and how men who cheated were less than scum.  I’ve lived a foul, double life that I’m not proud of.”  

     He went on in what was obviously a semi prepared speech to get everything off his chest.  “There were so many pregnancies and abortions and paternity tests, HIV tests that I should have taken but didn’t, there were so many tears and broken, bitter women everywhere I turned.  Every time I would come out of another drama, I would swear that I would never let it happen again; I was convinced I was choosing the wrong women.  Real talk, I was convinced all women were damaged; I didn’t see women as whole human beings, I saw them as things to entertain and please me.  I would promise myself to be even more emotionally unavailable to women, thinking that would protect me even more.  The women I loved didn’t love me, they used me and I played into it because I equated love with abuse.  The women that loved me I didn’t know how to love and I took advantage of what they gave me.”

     “I’ve hurt so many people but the person I hurt the most was you.  I took pleasure in hurting you on some level because you loved me the most.  At the time, I wasn’t even self-aware enough to know that I was doing it but in retrospect, I can honestly say that I was afraid of you because you saw parts of me that no one else had ever seen.  You knew my secrets and you still loved me.  You saw a picture of me from angles no one else even knew existed.  Every time you saw through my pretenses, you still loved me.  I resented you for that because I couldn’t love myself at the time and wanted you to feel as much hurt as I felt deep inside.  I think back on how supportive you were of me and I treated you like shit.”

     “Rob, I want to admit to you now that I’ve lied to you so much that it’s beyond your comprehension.  I’m so sorry.  I won’t blame you if you never forgive me and I will accept that as my punishment but I’m here to tell you that I’m so sincerely sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.  I thought that not telling you the entire truth wasn’t the same thing as lying.  I thought my lies were protecting you from hurt and crying which in turn protected me from feeling guilty.  I want to come clean and tell you the truth about everything but it would be too much to list.  Everything you suspected was a lie really was and I just denied it with arrogance and would find perverse pleasure in telling myself that you were stupid for believing me.  I calculated everything, every single solitary thing I said to you.  It was like I was an actor playing myself in a play; everything was scripted for a purpose and that purpose was to ease my pain and get my dick wet and to hell with you or anyone that got hurt along the way.  I was masterful at pretending to be everything to everyone and I was denying who I was inside to myself.”

     “The only thing that was real, I promise you, was when I came to you in love, to make love, when I craved that connection.  I can swear to you that I was emotionally honest when I was inside you, and that scared the hell out of me.  At the time, I tried to tell myself that you just had some bomb ass pussy but I know now that I was drawn to that feeling of safety and security and love in those moments like I’ve never experienced before or since.  You created that space where I could let down my guard and be myself and feel real intimacy.  There was truth in that passion and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I didn’t feel deserving of that feeling and I pushed you away to avoid dealing with my own feelings of inadequacy.  Yes, I can admit to using you but know that I experienced more love and bliss in those moments than you can imagine.  Your touch made me whole; your mouth was like heaven, being inside you was my sanctuary.  Roberta Mae Scott, if you know nothing else in life, know that the earth goes around the sun, know that E=Mc2, and know that I’m being truthful about the fact that I genuinely loved our connection.”

 

     Elijah wanted to go on with his confessions but he also wanted to make sure that Robbie was not on overload either.  Neither of them had touched their food and it was cold by now.  Robbie was listening intently, trying to take it all in and process it.  She was trying to be fully present and hear everything he said but she kept thinking of when she could call her best friend the second she got home.  Khadijah had been there for her since the first day of the Elijah Ringer relationship/tragedy, every step of the way, calling him every black mother fucker in the book when he would do something stank and drying Robbie’s unnecessary tears.  Robbie had failed to tell her about Elijah coming back into her life recently because she was sure she would catch holy hell for even speaking to him.  Robbie was half tempted to discretely reach in her purse and call Khadijah and let her listen to all of Elijah’s revelations live or at least record him so she wouldn’t have to try to recollect them at 1 in the morning but she didn’t want to betray his truthfulness either.  

     “Thank you for your honesty,” she said.  “I’m curious, what brought about this magical and alchemical transformation?  How do I know this is not just a monologue in the Elijah play to manipulate me again?  And what exactly is it that you want from me?  What’s the purpose of all of this?”  

     He signaled for the check and to take the food with them.  Once outside, he walked over to two homeless men and handed them the doggie bags of food.  He knelt down to actually speak to them.  He returned to Robbie’s side and apologized for his very brief absence.  She made a mental note of how his behaviors had changed because the Elijah of old that she knew would have just as soon spit on homeless people let alone given them the $100 meal he had just purchased and not touched.  He signaled for a horse-drawn carriage to take them through Central Park and told the driver to take his time.  

     He held her hand as she climbed in the carriage and for a brief second, they shared that magical connection again.  He placed his arm around her shoulder and they rode in silence for a few minutes.  He leaned over and kissed her for the first time in years and it was possibly more magical than any other kiss that they had ever shared.  It was tender and beautiful and Robbie kissed him back without fear or trepidation for reasons that weren’t even apparent to her.  His hands found his way to her soft thigh and he could feel the signs of his arousal beginning.  Robbie closed her eyes and her erect nipples could be seen through the material of her dress.  Elijah pulled back, not wanting to back out of the most important part of his confession at this late hour.  He began again with his taxicab confession.  

     “I wish I could tell you that I woke up one day and had this grand epiphany that made me change my ways.  I can’t even form my lips to tell you that lie.  I was as happy as a clam, or so I thought.  When they say ignorance is bliss, they ain’t bullshitting, I’m here to testify.  I was content in my fucked up reality and didn’t think there was a damn thing in the world wrong with me.  Boy did I get a wake up call.  I went on vacation about five years ago to Ghana and little did I know it was going to change my life forever.”  I felt a connection to a slave past there that was unlike anything I’ve ever read about, heard about, anything I’ve ever seen in any movie. It was like a hum, a vibration that allowed me to see into the past and how the pain my ancestors endured created the cycle of irresponsibility and lies in my life. It scared me.  I was so used to cutting off my emotions, denying I even had any, that I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling.”

I sat on the beach a lot, just staring out into the ocean, hoping the waves would wash away my pain.  It was the pain of my entire lifetime, everything that I had ever suppressed; it was the pain of every African that had ever passed through those god damn slave castles, and I was connected to it all somehow.”

Taking a deep breath, he said, “This man came up to me and sat right down next to me.  He asked me my name and told me that his name was Brother Ishmael Tettah.  I opened up to him in ways that I had never opened up to anyone before, a total stranger.  He listened, really listened without any judgment.  Before I knew what was happening, I was crying like a baby and he was holding me and hugging me right there on the beach.  I had never experienced that sort of loving touch from another man before.  It was like a father loving their child. I didn’t even know how to process it.  He told me that he could help me understand and heal all my pain.”        

     “He proceeded to tell me about myself in ways that I knew were impossible for him to know.  He told me about the pain I felt deep inside from not having a father, from having an emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother, from all the foul behavior that I had done to women.  It was as if he knew my story without even knowing me.  He told me it was time for me to ascend to my true role in life, and that I could no longer hide behind the veil of mediocrity.  He told me that I was on earth to be greater than I had allowed myself to be.”

Elijah stopped to see if Robbie was still with him.  She was hanging on his every word.  He went on.  “He told me that he had a place I could go for healing if I wanted to and before I knew what was happening, I was calling my job and telling that I wasn’t coming back as planned and that I couldn’t say exactly when I was going to be home.  I stayed in that place for six weeks, Rob, never leaving his side except to go back to the hotel and pack my things.  I spent the next month and a half initiated into a spiritual world that I hadn’t even known existed.  He taught me to feel the pain of my past and move through it, he taught me to access that place within me where I could forgive others and myself of all the things I thought I had done wrong and see that I was only doing what I was capable of with the fucked up tools I’d been given.  He opened my eyes to a perspective where I could see myself in everyone and everything.  He taught me what it was to be a man and how that didn’t have anything to do with the ridiculous rules I’d been perpetrating as truth, manhood had nothing to do with the distorted gender roles European men brainwashed us to believe were spiritual truths.  Manhood didn’t have a damn thing to do with fucking women which I would have said was the #1 reason at the time.”  

     “Brother Ishmael Tettah and the Etherean Mission took me to other realms, helped me find my vision and my voice.  The courses that others took months to learn I learned in hours.  He tutored me privately, showing me things that were impossible, and I mean im-fucking-possible.  I was enmeshed in rituals and ceremonies that took me from pain to power, taught me forgiveness, gave me freedom from fear, I released anger, and I gained the gift of gratitude.  I cried tears I didn’t know I could cry.  I boo hoo’d like a baby until there were no more tears to cry, until all the pain had been released.  I died there, Robbie, the old Elijah Ringer didn’t come home from that trip.  My life was literally transformed and I couldn’t go back to the way things were.  I was petrified to leave but at the end of my time there, he told me that it was my time to go and that I had everything I needed to fulfill my mission in life.  He told me that in order to fulfill my purpose in life I had to reconnect with my twin flame, my divine right partner and to learn how to love completely in order to truly be all that I could be.  He told me to go and continue to refine myself, he told me to work with due diligence on continuing to let spirit lead me to my true role as leader.”  

“Fast forward to today.  I’ve spent the last five plus years of my life in meditation and prayer, reading, studying martial arts, fasting, silencing my mind and raising my vibration to gain dominion over my universe and working like a Hebrew slave to occupy my time and ignore my loneliness.  I feel immense solitude at times because the things that amused me before seem trivial; the people I used to associate with are no longer vibrating on my level.  I’m working really hard to live up to my full potential and I’m just now grasping that it might be bigger than even I had previously imagined.”

     The carriage pulled up in front of Robbie’s building and they got out.  They stood staring in each other’s eyes for a moment.  Robbie was in a daze, not really sure she understood everything he was saying but feeling a certain peace that passeth understanding.  He pulled her in his arms and said, “Robbie, do you remember when we were sitting on my sofa and we were arguing about some stupid shit and I told you that I KNEW we had a greater purpose to fulfill.  I promised you on the day that we would reunite that we would become greater than we could ever be apart.  Today is that day, Robbie.  I’ve always told you that you would be in my life forever.  I’ve lost too many years and I’m not going to lose another second.  I love you.  You are my other half, without you I can't be all that I’m supposed to be.  Our love was gifted from God.  I’ve waited, not knowing how or when we would get back together simply knowing that the Creator would orchestrate our lives so that we could be reunited and live out our true purpose together.  I’m not complete without you and you aren’t complete without me.”

     Robbie pulled away and ran into her building, her eyes full of tears, not uttering a word.  Elijah stood stoic in the warm night air, empty and dejected, as he watched her crying form running away.  He was wracked with guilt for causing the woman he loved pain once again. 

The carriage driver said it all, “Damn bruh, you fucked up!”  

He got the notice the next day that the contract for the location was cancelled and Ebony had gotten a new set of balls and refused to let his calls through or tell him anything.  Elijah decided to finish up his business deals head back home with his well-deserved pain.  If it was even a fraction of the pain that Robbie had felt for all those years, he was ashamed for his part in perpetuating that intensity of agony.  He’d done all that he knew how to do and he was sure of one thing, that they had a mission to fulfill and this wasn’t the end of them.  

     The next morning Robbie had Ebony track Elijah down and find out where he was staying.  She went to his hotel with every intention of giving him a piece of her mind.  She knocked on the door and he answered, catching her completely caught off guard.  He was in a towel, fresh from the shower and in the midst of packing his things to leave.  His heart leapt in his chest when he saw her standing in the doorway.  He scrambled to put some clothes on to be respectful.  Robbie stopped him, assuring him that she would only be there a few minutes, and that she wanted to get a few things off her chest and she would be leaving.  He sat on the foot of the bed for what he was sure to be a severe  tongue lashing that he deserved.  

     Robbie unleashed her anger.  “How dare you imply that you and I are supposed to be together!  You have never given me anything but pain and heartache.  Jason loved me.  Jason never once tried to make me feel bad about myself, ridicule me, or disregard my feelings.  Jason cherished me and lifted me up to be the best I could be.  You have admittedly done nothing to me but lie and emotionally abuse me.  You disrespect me and the memory of my husband with all your bullshit about how you and I are meant to be together.  Fuck you!  I found my soul mate in my lifetime; you most certainly are NOT him.  You could never love me the way Jason did and I resent you for all that you’ve done to me in the past.  I resent you for your arrogance thinking that you can come in my life and tell me some cock-a-maimie story about how much you’ve changed.  I will not fall for your sob story.  You can kiss my entire black ass, all of it, ALL OF IT, if you think for one mother-fucking minute that I don’t recognize your game.  You know what Elijah Ellis Ringer, you have a nice life and play your games on some other woman cuz I ain’t the one.”  Robbie felt herself flush with an anger she hadn’t felt in years and emotionally drained but relieved she had spoken her mind.  “Fuck you,” she muttered under her breath as she turned to leave.

     Elijah’s eyes filled with tears and stayed focused on the floor.  Robbie put her hand on the doorknob, stopping for a second to regain her composure and focus her eyes through her own tears.  She heard his voice before she could make out the words that he was saying.  

     She turned and Elijah stood before her.  This was it.  This was the moment he had been preparing for for years.  This was the moment he had to let go of the rehearsed scripts and speak truth to power.  He pulled her close and whispered in her ear.  “Roberta Mae, I’m not claiming to be a perfect man and I know I’ve done you terribly wrong.  I don’t want to replace Jason in your life; I just want to be what you’ve always wanted me to be.  I’m asking for your forgiveness and a chance to start from scratch.  Isis, I’m begging you to look deeply in my eyes and see that I am your beloved Osiris; you’ve resurrected me anew with your faith and your love.  You saw me as I am now before I even existed.  Forgive me my trespasses and open your heart to the man that I am today.  Give me a chance to prove my love for you.  Let me be a sounding board when you want to vent your frustrations.  Let me work to pamper and spoil you in the places I caused pain and heartache previously.  I give you my word I will be truthful and faithful to you out of respect for my love for you.  I will let you have the right to make your decisions about us based on honesty.”  He pulled her closer and kissed her passionately.  

     She pushed him away and tried to leave again but she was frozen in her tracks.  She didn’t want to go.  She was caught up in a whirlwind of electricity and emotions and deep in her gut, she wanted to stay and have him make love to her like they’ve never experienced before.  She had never stopped loving him, loving the brilliant, wonderful man that would reveal himself to her in those cherished moments that they’d shared alone.  She always wanted to love the exceptional man that she knew he could be.  She’d prayed all those years ago for the day when Elijah would be emotionally available and willing to pursue a relationship with her and it was here.  She had a choice to make, to decide if she would hold onto pain from the past or to accept this new Elijah, a truly new and improved version of the man she once loved, who now seemed to possess all of the things she was looking for in a partner.  She’d loved Jason with an all-encompassing love but her love for Elijah was equally as strong and powerful, yet different.  She knew she couldn’t deny that fact any longer and she looked in his eyes, this time with forgiveness, compassion, and genuine feelings of love in her heart.  

     In that moment, Elijah was aroused in a way that seemed to defy conventional wisdom.  He was aroused not because of lust but because of love.  He took her hand and put it on his towel and let it fall to the floor.  His dick stood out from his body proudly as she moved her hand instinctively to touch it.  He closed his eyes and let out a moan; her touch was perfect for him, she knew exactly how to caress him and he relished the sensation he hadn’t experienced since the last time they’d made love.  She stroked it softly, gripping it with the perfect pressure, using her fingers to coax the skin up and down and massaged the head with skill.  He was standing up but his legs felt shaky.  He was unsure of the next move he should make so he let her do her thing.  They maintained an intense eye contact as she softly stroked his erection and his breathing became more and more erratic.  She took hold of his balls and gently rolled them in her fingers and she knew she was taking him to his point of no return.  She leaned forward and licked his nipples softly and his knees really did buckle.  She increased the pressure on her upstroke and his eyes rolled back in his head because she was using the perfect pressure with her soft hands to work it out.  He had to stop her because he was going to shoot his load if she continued that sort of stimulation.  

     He kissed her again, softly, barely touching his lips to hers.  Their kisses grew more passionate, more hungered for one another as their tongues danced against one another and their lips sucked and kissed only the way they knew how.  His mouth found the sweet spot on her neck and he started sucking it.  She threw her head back and let him feast on her tender flesh.  His hands were all over her body, caressing her hips, thighs, back and ass.  He wanted to show off the body he had worked on and he was proud to be standing before her fully clothed frame with nothing on.  He pressed his body into hers, pushing her against the door.  She gasped for air as she wrapped her arms around his neck.  He grabbed her ass and lifted her up; she wrapped her legs around him and she whispered, “This feels so good but I’m terrified.  You used me.  You lied . . .”  Her voice cracked as she tried to push back her tears.  She wasn’t sure if they were tears of pain or emotional release. Finally, taking a deep breath, she decided that all she could do was be in the moment and let things flow. She looked at him with a lust in her eyes that said that she was ready for the experience of a lifetime.  

     Getting her undressed was the next order of business.  Elijah undid the buttons on her blouse.  Her luscious C cups sat beautifully in their black lace enclosure.  He knew all too well that her breasts were very sensitive and that stimulating her nipples could lead to orgasm if done just right.  Still unsure of what she was feeling and thinking, he stood and stared at her beautiful brown breasts, afraid to touch them.  They had been the source of endless nurturing and pleasure for him previously and he needed to feel the weight of them in his hands, to feel her hardened nipples in his mouth.  She looked him in the eye, and without movement or words, told him that it was okay to proceed.  

     Elijah undid the closure of her bra and stood in awe.  It was almost as if he’d forgotten what her breasts looked like even though they had been the object of his fantasies for several years.  Her dark and swollen nipples were calling for his mouth to devour them.  He lowered his mouth and sucked them exactly the way that she loved it.  He had not forgotten in all those years because it had always been the way he loved doing it.  It seems that their bodies, their desires and rhythms always perfectly complemented each other.  He knew the way to bring her pleasure with the soft and gentle caress of his tongue and the barely detectable sucking of his lips.  He felt her body respond in only the way she could to his touch and he was high with that feeling.  

     She grabbed her breast and fed it to him.  He uttered, “Rob, I’ve missed you so much.”  He was going from one nipple to the other, trying to get both in his mouth at the same time, and licking in between them and underneath that sexy curve where her titties joined her body.  

She was getting more and more responsive, telling him how much she loved it.  “You like that hard nipple in your mouth? Have you missed it? Suck it baby.  You know you’re getting me so wet with your mouth sucking on my nipples like that.”  Robbie and Elijah had a call and response that was unlike any two other lovers.  She would moan and groan and her body would surrender to his touch and they made fluid and passionate love to one another with just their hands and mouths alone.  

     Wanting to get more comfortable and really enjoy the process, Elijah took her hand and led Robbie to the bed.  She followed and stood still while he undressed her the rest of the way.  His hands caressed her curvy ass as he slid her skirt down.  He laughed inside, noting that she was wearing panties, knowing that she preferred to go au naturale in her more austere days of wearing little more than sarongs and sports bras.  Her long legs were defined and toned and he massaged them gently as he sat her on the bed to remove her shoes.  He massaged the sole of her delicate foot and brought it to his lips and kissed the arch softly.  Robbie laid back and luxuriated in the feeling of his mouth sucking and licking her toes.  She spread her legs and rubbed her pussy through the material of her panties as he continued to suck her toes, watch, and stroke himself.  

     He knelt at the foot of the bed as he slid her panties down her hips and over her legs.  She held her legs closed out of momentary fear and there was a very awkward pause when they just stared at one another.  All of her apprehensions came flooding back in that instant.  Elijah knew it was his moment of reckoning and there was no turning back.  He had to speak truth to power in that moment.  “Robbie, I crave your presence in my life.  I need you in a way that I didn’t know existed before right now.  We can stop right here and right now if you want.  I don’t have to make love to you today.  I’m willing to wait until you are completely comfortable.  Just know that I’m not going to give up on us, I’m going to prove to you that I can and will be all the man you need.  I love you.”  

     To deny their chemistry would be impossible so Robbie made a choice.  She was not going to feel regret or pain; she was going to rejoice in the moment that had been scripted before they were both born.  She kissed him, this time communicating with her kiss that there was no turning back.  He laid her back on the bed and began licking and kissing his way down her body.  He ran his tongue in the deep crevice of her belly button and paused as he reached her pubic bone.  He kissed her soft hair and spread her legs so that he could begin his banquet.  Her scent made his dick that much harder and he spread her lips to see the wetness that had already formed there.  Her clit was exposed and waiting to be sucked.  He just stared at her for a few minutes and took in the beauty of her soft, pink lips and Robbie was becoming desperate to feel his mouth on her and she was writhing around on the bed, pulling his head closer, anxious for sexual release with a man that knew her body intricately and knew all the buttons to push to make her scream with pleasure.   

     He lowered his mouth to her clit and began licking it.  Robbie arched her back and let out a hiss and felt her body convulse.  The tender way he licked her was enough to make her want to crawl out of her skin.  His tongue lightly stroked her spot and focused on circling it, not too much pressure, more like he wanted her to barely feel it.  She grabbed her erect nipples and began twisting them gently between her thumb and forefinger and she began chanting and telling him how good his mouth made her feel.  “Oh, I’ve missed your soft lips on my pussy like that.  Yes . . . It feels so good.  Taste me!”

     Elijah was trying his best to tune her out.  Her words had a way of driving him over the brink and making him want to ram himself inside her with one full stroke.  Tonight, he was going to make love to her slowly, sweetly and tenderly, in many ways symbolic of the first time they would ever really make love.  He backed off of licking her clit for a while and began licking her sweet juices as he was inserting his fingers in her tight hole.  He knew where her spot was located and he knew exactly the pressure and way to hit it to make her squirt.  He looked her in her eyes as he massaged the spot with skill and saw her body go into overdrive.  “Oh shit, that’s my spot, work my pussy, oh damn that feels so fucking good.”  Her profanity in bed was like music to his ears.  She’d always been explicit, never mincing words, never afraid to say exactly what was on her mind, in bed or out. 

     A sheen of perspiration formed on her smooth skin and the muscles in her stomach were tense.  She was transported back to a time when they would make love by the front door of her tiny apartment because they couldn’t even make it to the bedroom.  She was on the verge of orgasm and he could see her rising to her peak.  At precisely the right time, he stopped, causing her to cry out with frustration.  “Don’t stop,” she screamed, “please don’t stop, make me cum.  Eat me, finger me.  Let me nut right in your mouth.  Come on, I’ve got all this sexy juice for you, I know you want it, I know you want me to cum for you.”  

     Elijah went back to licking her clit, causing more cursing, more moaning.  Robbie grabbed his head in place, spreading her legs, opening herself up to him.  “Oh my God that feels so good, I love the way you lick my clit, suck it now.  Suck on the clit and make me shoot my hot cream in your mouth.” 

     Just as she was about to cum, just as she was about to feel that rush of release, Elijah stopped again.  “Fuuuuucckk,” she moaned, “why do you keep doing this to me?”  Her pleas were desperate and she wanted more.  He flipped her over and put her on her knees.  Her sexy ass was high in the air and she reached back to spread her ass cheeks, knowing full well that he would be turned on by how brazen her actions were.  He started eating her from behind Robbie was gripping the sheets and seemed to be like a possessed woman.  He kissed her asshole and made her moan loudly into the pillow.  She started thrusting her ass back at him, urging him to give her more.  He ate her pussy and asshole like it was a five star meal, licking and kissing and sucking like there was no tomorrow.  He pointed his tongue and drove it deep in her core and fucked her with it.  Robbie wasn’t even using words anymore; her emotions were conveyed with grunts and groans.  To send her over the edge, E started fingering her pussy again, hitting her spot, rubbing her clit just the way she liked it and eating her ass at the same time.  “Please don’t stop, I’m going to cum.  Please, please, please don’t stop.”  Robbie came so hard she almost passed out.  Her cum flowed out of her pussy like a faucet, coating Elijah’s fingers, hands, and face. 

     She fell over on the bed, drained and exhausted, staring at the ceiling and trying to make sense of how she had allowed herself to get to this place, trying to hold on to a place of peace.  Just then, Elijah’s cell phone rang and he made no move to answer it.  Almost immediately, she remembered the times they would be making love and his cell phone would ring and it would be other women calling and he would let it go to voice mail.  She reached for the sheet to cover her nakedness and her shame.  Elijah sensed her fears immediately and he handed her the phone and said, “Answer it!”  He answered the phone for her and held it to her ear.  

     “Elijah Ringer’s office,” she said.  

     It was a colleague looking for Elijah for business.  Robbie told him that he wasn’t available right now and added he would probably be unavailable until the morning.  She hung up the phone and felt a tiny bit of peace.  “I’m not seeing anyone, no one.  I don’t have anything to hide, “he said, “I promise.”  

     Robbie smiled because for the first time in their entire history, he had accomplished what he had never even attempted to do before.  He had calmed her fears and made her feel safe.  

     She pushed him over on his back and rolled on top of him.  It was in that moment, she was filled with a desire for him that surpassed anything she had ever felt for him before, and that was saying a lot.  She straddled his body and felt the hardness of his erection slipping between the slick, hot, wet folds of her pussy.  Elijah was in the zone, wanting to slow things down a little bit, perhaps have a little more foreplay but he was compelled to feel that warmth again.  His motives were obviously conflicted in his head.  “No, stop, we should wait.  I want . . . I want . . . I need to be inside you.  Oh Robbie,” he softly sobbed, “Ride me.  You make me feel so good.”  

     He gripped her hips and filled his hands with her soft flesh.  She crushed her body to his and he felt the hardness of her nipples pressed against his chest.  She started sucking his neck and it was his turn to moan and groan in incoherent babble.  He could clearly hear the evidence of her wetness as she was grinding on his dick and the heat from her pussy was almost too much to bear.  

     She grabbed the shaft of his dick and steadied it.  She placed it at her hole and the point of connect between their bodies was magnetic.  She was staring deeply in his eyes and he was saying over and over, “Please, I need to be inside you, I miss you.  I wanna make love to you.”

     Robbie took her time, going painfully slow as she sat on him, taking his fullness in so he could feel every single millimeter in exquisite detail.  It took her breath away and she gasped for air as he began to fill her in places that hadn’t been touched in a very long time.  The deeper he went, the more pleasure she felt.  The velvety softness of her walls surrounded him made him thrust deep inside but Robbie was in control of this ride.  She used her muscles to grip him tightly and make him work for it.  She rubbed her clit with one hand and reached around to play with his balls with the other.  

     “Oh fuck,” it was now Elijah’s turn to cry out profanities.  

She settled down comfortably on him, he was deeply inside her now and she stopped moving.  She was working her pussy on him, using her muscles, squeezing his dick and hitting that spot that made him want to shoot his cum deep inside her.  “Can you hold back for a little while longer?  I want make this feeling last.”  

     He nodded, trying to recall all the Tantric exercises he’d practiced without a partner and really not sure he could hold back another second.  If it meant pleasing Robbie, he would do whatever he had to do.  He focused his mind and lay back to enjoy the ride.  

     Robbie slowly started to grind her pussy on Elijah, using his dick for her pleasure.  She rubbed her clit against his pubic bone and made his dick massage her spot from the inside.  Her juices were all over his body and she shut her eyes tightly to concentrate on the sensations.  She started sucking his fingers like she was sucking his dick and E let out a sound that could be heard down the hall.  He reached around and stuck his finger in her ass and his moans were overpowered by the animal call of the wild that Robbie made.  He raised his knees and Robbie sat back and ground her pussy on him that much harder.  

     Elijah began working his hips, grinding them and making sure to stir it up for his little darling.  Robbie went into overdrive and began bouncing up and down on his dick, rising up until just the engorged head was nestled in her wetness and sinking back down on it until it felt like it was in her stomach.  She was slow and steady but she was fucking him hard.  The room smelled like sex and it was intoxicating.  They got into a steady rhythm and the pleasure was out of this world.  

     “Baby, I’m going to cum.  I can’t hold back any longer.”  Whichever one of them said it was really irrelevant because they were both on the brink.

     Elijah flipped her over on her back and pressed his body into hers.  They kissed as he drove himself deeper and deeper inside her.  There was only one place he was going to deposit his seed and it was inside her, there was no question about it.  She wrapped his legs around his back and pulled him closer, deeper.  Tears filled her eyes and she whispered, “I love you, Elijah.”  Her orgasm connected her with the All There Is and she experienced ecstasy in a way like never before.

     That was enough to send him over the edge.  Those were the words he had needed to hear again more than anything.  He began thrusting harder, and he closed his eyes as he felt the pleasure take over him.  He released his orgasm and fell exhausted on top of her.  She cradled him and kissed his forehead and comforted him like she had done so many times in the past.  

For the next few hours, they lay in bed and talked, really talked about their struggles and accomplishments and dreams for the future and even the past.  They punctuated their conversation with more rounds of intense lovemaking.  They bathed together and fed each other when the room service brought nourishment.  

     In the morning Robbie got dressed, unsure of what was going to happen next but determined to not let her ego get in the way of distorting what was a fantastic evening.  Elijah called the front desk and informed them that he would be staying for an indefinite period of time.  He made sure that Robbie heard him say that he would be looking for an apartment here in NY and needed some more time to find suitable accommodations.  He scribbled something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Robbie.  

     On the page the word “nebulous” was scribbled, a private joke they had shared in days gone by.  Robbie looked at him with confusion written all over her face.  

     “That is the password to my email.  I want you to check it any time you want.  I need you to know that you are the only woman in my life and that I’m dedicated to making this work.  Do whatever you have to do until you can trust me.  I’m going to call and make reservations for dinner tonight; I want you to meet my friends.  When you’re ready, I’d love to spend time with you and the children, both yours and mine.  He kissed her softly.  We are going to make this work.  I promise.  This is our chance to shine and I am not going to let it slip through my fingers.”    

     The waves were in motion and the stage had been set.  The star-crossed lovers had been reunited to fulfill their mission and to grow together as one.  All that was left was to nurture the spiritual blaze of the reunited twin flames.  The universe had many lifetimes planned in which they could explore the many facets of their eternal love.  

Copyright 2005 AfroerotiK  All Rights Reserved