Break the Cycle

I remember when I was little more than a toddler, maybe 5 or six, my grandmother would come in my room in the morning and sniff my fingers to see if I had "touched the button" and she would shame me and scold me and tell me not to do it. I don't remember actually touching the button, just the shaming ritual every morning until I learned that I shouldn't touch down there.

My first memories of having sexual feelings didn't come until I was reading my grandmother's copy of The Joy of Sex. I was babysitting age so I was about 11 or 12. It was hidden on the same shelves with all her bibles and religious books and hymnals. I think that is the same summer I found two Penthouse magazine articles in her underwear drawer and I would read them and feel funny “down there". I never touched down there, I was just content to have those feelings. To me, at the time, that was exciting enough. 

It wasn't until I found my mother's porn collection at age 14 or 15 that I began to masturbate. It was more like a library than a collection. She had every book, magazine, manual, digest, and encyclopedic volume about sex ever published and I did my level best to read every single solitary word.  (You can thank my mother for me being the amazing erotic writer that I am today because I read quality, well-written erotica when I was a teen.)  It was at that same age I started exploring with other girls and, to a lesser extent, boys.  I would have much preferred to explore more with boys but I was 5'10" and 115 pounds and boys were just not interested in me. 

If you are being honest with yourself, you can think back to times and memories in your childhood that revolved around sexual feelings.  Everyone can do that because sex is natural.  Everyone experiences those thoughts and feelings.  The human body was designed to have sex at the onset of puberty, not 18 years old, not when a preacher pronounces you man and wife.  Shaming children about their sexuality is standard in this country.  You were shamed about your sexuality, you shame your children about their sexuality all because we are told that sex is bad, nasty, and wrong when it’s beautiful, natural, and healthy.  Our perceptions about sex are shaped by a society that makes us feel embarrassed about what is our inherent nature. 

Society tells us that children aren't sexual, that they don't have sexual thoughts until they are 18 but the fact of the matter is that we are BORN sexual beings.  That does not mean we should have sex when we are born.  It does not mean that we should have sex at the age we experience arousal.  Adults should NEVER engage with children sexually.  Shaming children, however, about pleasure and their sexuality is the foundation of all that's wrong with our society.  We must accept that all children feel and experience pleasure, arousal, and sexual feelings.  It is our job as parents and as a culture to talk to them about sex in a healthy, positive, affirming manner, not shame them, not reinforce that they have to lie and sneak around to experience those feelings "down there."  Break the cycle. 

Here's what I absolutely do not understand.

The internet is full of porn.  It's the most profitable business in the country.  If you go to any free porn site, you'll find categories for any number of extreme and hardcore sexual acts.  If you do even the teeniest, tiniest search beyond that, you'll find multiple website dedicated to any "bizarre" fetish that the human mind can conceive of.  Go on craigslist, backpage, and you'll see real people seeking extreme forms of sex.  Yet, somehow, society is turning a blind eye to it, acting is if people are not in their homes doing all manner of sexual things.  People are still asking questions like, "Do women like anal sex?"  No you dumb ass.  Women hate anal sex.  It's only the most popular category of porn.  White men still, every day, tell me that think they are the ONLY white man in the entire world who wants to be submissive to Black men.  There are 20 million interracial cuckold sites, all of which they belong to, yet, somehow they think that they are the only one. 

Let's say you relegate yourself to only looking at one particular site and you only look at your particular favorite genre (which I don't believe for a second because everyone is curious about what other people are doing sexually).  The website is still going to have ads and pop ups and recommended videos that indicate that there is a whole helluva lot of sexual activity going on that people are in denial about.  I can't go on a porn site without seeing those ads with CGI images of little girls having sex.  CLEARLY, that website is making a shitload of money because the ads are everywhere.  That speaks volumes about how rampant pedophilia is in this country and people are acting like it doesn't exist. 

I am so glad that I'm not ashamed of my sexuality.  I'm so glad that I have no need to compartmentalize my sexuality, that I don't act one way behind closed door and then go online and pretend that I'm asexual and that anything other than missionary sex on a Friday night with the lights out is disgusting.  I would hate to be so sexually repressed that I couldn't see what's going on right in plain site.  I know good and god damn well that if I can go online and see amateur doing EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, I know that means that there are an infinite number of people who are not videoing their behavior, who would never post it online.  Yet, society is still telling us that people are asexual, that sex is dirty and bad and that vanilla sex for procreation is the only viable form of sex.  If you are that ashamed of your sexuality, if you are in that much denial, it's going to lead you to do things behind closed doors to compensate.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason people are so fucked up sexually. 

Self-Deception

The human mind is a fascinating mechanism.  Self-deception is its most adept function.  It allows an individual to see dysfunction in others and remain completely blind to their own dysfunction and mental illness.  The human mind will misinterpret information so that whatever you say, think and do is perceived as right and perfect and justified.  It is virtually impossible to see your own fuckedupness so you walk around believing that you don’t have to change, evolve, or grow, that everyone else does.   Moreover, when you do something wrong, the human mind has the ability to twist the way you perceive things so that you can blame others for what you do wrong and feel like you are the one wronged, maligned, and that your actions were perfectly justified. 

It’s not just a few people, it’s everyone.  YOU are wrong, you are flawed, you are dysfunctional, and it’s very possible that you could be mentally ill and walking around thinking that you are perfect.  Yes, YOU!  As much as you want to believe that there is nothing wrong with you and that everyone else is wrong, you are the one dead wrong.  You have areas of your personality that need to be healed, addressed, and transformed.  We are ALL in a state of dysfunction.  The drama and the issues in your life aren’t other people’s fault, they are yours.  Your need to degrade and humiliate other people because you think they are completely fucked up is a reflection of you being fucked up. You can see other people’s flaws but you can’t see your own.  If you spend your time looking for other people’s faults and flaws, if you can see how damaged other people are, all the while believing that you are without even a tiny blemish, even if you can say that you aren’t perfect but you have done no work whatsoever to change your core belief systems, you are incredibly flawed. 

Being mentally ill doesn’t mean you are a bad person.  Not being able to see your own flaws does not mean you are beyond repair.  It’s very possible that the flaws you see in others MAY be valid, but your assignment in this lifetime is not to point out to others their flaws, it’s to heal yours. 

So if everyone is fucked up, if everyone is guilty of being flawed and seeing themselves as perfect, what’s the solution?  The solution is one you aren’t going to agree with or think will help or consider as valid.  Mediation is the answer.  Meditation allows you to align with a higher consciousness.  Lowering your brainwaves for 15 minutes a day starts the healing process.  Controlling your breathing, slowing down your thoughts will start you on the path to becoming the person you are supposed to be.     Meditate for 21 days straight and you will start to vibrate at higher level and you will walk away from that disagreement, you won’t let that other person’s dysfunction get to you.  The more you meditate, the more you will ascend.  You don’t have to believe me, you don’t have to give up your life and become a Zen monk.  If you are reading this, you are open to enlightenment and you will hold this information somewhere in your consciousness until you are ready to integrate it into your life. 

Peace and many blessings,

Scottie

A Full-Course Meal

I struggle with finding suitable partners, ones to whom I attracted, who meet my criteria, and who appreciate what I bring to the table.  I’m most assuredly, unquestionably sapiosexual; I’ve yet to meet the man who is too intellectual for me, so finding someone who stimulates me mentally (notice I didn’t say challenges me mentally, I ABHOR verbal sparring with my partner) is essential.  That eliminates quite a few men from my potential dating pool.  I’ve dated men who were smart, I’ve dated men who were intelligent, I’ve even dated those who were not particularly bright, but nothing compares to dating an academic and an intellectual in my book.  I don’t need to date Einstein (although, Neil Degrasse Tyson, if you’re reading this, get at me) but I mos def need a man who thinks outside the box, who sees things beyond black and white, who has challenged the status quo.  I’m tall, I’m outspoken, I wear my hair short and natural, and I’m AfroerotiK, and that intimidates a lot of men.  Bam, my dating pool just got infinitely smaller.  I’m convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt in fact, that there is a man out there who will find me attractive, whom I find attractive, who meets my criteria (I will not settle for anything less than a Black man who is HONEST, a man of integrity, socially and politically liberal, and emotionally mature) AND who appreciates all that I have to offer. 

I am the real deal.  If I have to say so myself, I’m quite the package, or as applies in this metaphor, I bring a lot to the table.  First and foremost, my table is set with fine china, linens, crystal and sterling silver cutlery.  I’m far from ghetto.  I’m not average, mediocre, or typical.  I’m sophisticated, worldly, traveled, well-read, educated and I come from a family of professional, intellectuals, and activists.  I carry myself like a queen because I am descended from royalty.  I don’t do drugs, I’ve never engaged in any illegal activity, I don’t associate with riff raff, degenerates, or those prone to drama.  The table itself is reflective of five-star dining. This ain’t no take out joint or chain restaurant. 

What’s on the menu?  Well let’s start out with the appetizer.  How about a woman who is mentally stable, a great communicator, pathologically honest, of above average intellect, creative, talented, and independent?  I’m not at all superficial or materialistic; I’m extremely grounded and down to earth.  I’m loyal, a great friend, and trustworthy.  I’m a great cook and very domestic but a phenomenal entrepreneur to boot. I’m socially conscious and empathetic and very much an advocate for the oppressed. 

Is that enough to whet your appetite?  Well for the main course we have a woman who has a HUGE heart and who is unbelievably loving.  Caring, affectionate, romantic, and thoughtful are all words that accurately describe how I behave in a relationship.  Do you like gifts and surprises for no reason?  Perhaps you like a woman who is spontaneous and adventurous?  That’s me.  I will be supportive, I will help you fulfill your dreams, I will take excellent care of you when you’re sick, and be your biggest cheerleader.  I won’t give up on the relationship; I’ll work hard at it to make it happy and satisfying for both of us.  Compromise is my middle name and I’m never so arrogant as not to admit when I’m wrong. 

And for dessert . . . ahhhhh . . . dessert is the sweetest, most mouth-watering treat imaginable.  My sex is like whoa.  I do not give my body away indiscriminately; I’m very selective with my partners so if you get to taste this rare delicacy, consider yourself lucky.  Once you get it, once you get my juicy, hot, sticky, sweet, wet love it is all yours, and no one else’s.  I am a fanatic about keeping the fires burning in a relationship and seduction is an art form I’ve mastered.  My passion burns hot and I love to express it all the time.  Intimacy is my drug of choice and I’m addicted to it.  Prepare yourself for a night of extended foreplay, beautiful love-making, and finished off with sweaty, loud, primal fucking over and over and over again. 

What’s the cost of this sumptuous meal?  Your commitment to me and the relationship, your complete honesty, and your love.  Not a very high price to pay for such an exquisite meal.