Break the Cycle

I remember when I was little more than a toddler, maybe 5 or six, my grandmother would come in my room in the morning and sniff my fingers to see if I had "touched the button" and she would shame me and scold me and tell me not to do it. I don't remember actually touching the button, just the shaming ritual every morning until I learned that I shouldn't touch down there.

My first memories of having sexual feelings didn't come until I was reading my grandmother's copy of The Joy of Sex. I was babysitting age so I was about 11 or 12. It was hidden on the same shelves with all her bibles and religious books and hymnals. I think that is the same summer I found two Penthouse magazine articles in her underwear drawer and I would read them and feel funny “down there". I never touched down there, I was just content to have those feelings. To me, at the time, that was exciting enough. 

It wasn't until I found my mother's porn collection at age 14 or 15 that I began to masturbate. It was more like a library than a collection. She had every book, magazine, manual, digest, and encyclopedic volume about sex ever published and I did my level best to read every single solitary word.  (You can thank my mother for me being the amazing erotic writer that I am today because I read quality, well-written erotica when I was a teen.)  It was at that same age I started exploring with other girls and, to a lesser extent, boys.  I would have much preferred to explore more with boys but I was 5'10" and 115 pounds and boys were just not interested in me. 

If you are being honest with yourself, you can think back to times and memories in your childhood that revolved around sexual feelings.  Everyone can do that because sex is natural.  Everyone experiences those thoughts and feelings.  The human body was designed to have sex at the onset of puberty, not 18 years old, not when a preacher pronounces you man and wife.  Shaming children about their sexuality is standard in this country.  You were shamed about your sexuality, you shame your children about their sexuality all because we are told that sex is bad, nasty, and wrong when it’s beautiful, natural, and healthy.  Our perceptions about sex are shaped by a society that makes us feel embarrassed about what is our inherent nature. 

Society tells us that children aren't sexual, that they don't have sexual thoughts until they are 18 but the fact of the matter is that we are BORN sexual beings.  That does not mean we should have sex when we are born.  It does not mean that we should have sex at the age we experience arousal.  Adults should NEVER engage with children sexually.  Shaming children, however, about pleasure and their sexuality is the foundation of all that's wrong with our society.  We must accept that all children feel and experience pleasure, arousal, and sexual feelings.  It is our job as parents and as a culture to talk to them about sex in a healthy, positive, affirming manner, not shame them, not reinforce that they have to lie and sneak around to experience those feelings "down there."  Break the cycle.