AfroerotiK

Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK. Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality. No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away. No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens. And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive. Scottie is putting everything on the table to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas. She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.

Showing posts with label masculinity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label masculinity. Show all posts

Thursday, February 09, 2023

What is a woman?

 



 


AfroerotiK doctrine defines a woman as purely a manifestation of biology; a woman is a hu-man with a womb, a womb-man. Period. A woman, according to AfroerotiK principle, is born with a vagina, a uterus, ovaries, and two XX chromosomes. Life is created and nurtured in the womb, all life comes through the birth canal of a woman.  A woman is a biological determination, nothing more.


 


Society has defined women for millennia, with a malicious agenda. Before a child is born, they are assigned a gender, boy or girl, and the role they are to assume in life is set. Girls like pink, boys like blue, and all the other false beliefs we have been brainwashed to believe about gender is set in stone by the time we take our first breath.  Women, in today’s society, are seen as less than . . .  less than men. Women are supposed to be subservient, weak, a slave to our emotions, and we are seen as genetically undeserving of the same rights, protections, and autonomy as men, just because we don’t have a penis. 


 


Women’s role in society has been carefully crafted, by malevolent forces, to be seen as, treated as, and relegated to less than men.  Women should expect to be paid less, women are supposed to accept not having their voices heard.  Women are supposed to assume that being hit, raped, abused, and abandoned with children are part of the status of having a womb. A woman, according to society, should be ashamed, she should be considered a freak if she’s not feminine, dainty, demure, and submissive.  But those are all definitions assigned and defined by (white) men, not God. 


 


We’ve been told that women like “girly” things, like dresses, and dolls, and make up. The very definition of a woman is that she is supposed to have a man protect her.  We’ve been brainwashed to believe that women shouldn’t like sports, that she should like cooking and cleaning and waiting on men hand and foot, that to be a woman is to be nurturing and submissive.  We have been told that the very first profession was a woman trading her body for money, relegating her to a sex object, a thing for men to purchase, trade, and discard when they’ve gotten what they want from her. First and foremost, that’s patently untrue. Money did not exist at the time of the first people.  Sex was not considered a sin until white men deemed it to be so.  Prostitution was not the first profession. However, with that very false belief that women have always been manipulative and scheming whores, women are relegated to nothing more than the status of gold digger, manipulator, and pawn in a game controlled and run by people with penises. The definition of a woman, how women are supposed to navigate the world and how women are treated has been created, grafted, and enforced by people with no wombs.  


 


Women are supposed to be feminine.  That’s the rule.  Femininity doesn’t exist in nature, however.  Female lions don’t sit patiently in the pride waiting for the big strong male to kill the antelope.  Female bears don’t get their nails done while the male bears go out and provide.  Female birds don’t fly on the inside of the flock to be protected by the male birds.  Male penguins nurture and care for their babies while the mothers go off an frolic in the icy waters.  Femininity, and masculinity, are male-created, male-perpetuated concepts.  Femininity is not a natural law; women are not naturally docile, weak, or emotional.  We’ve been told what women are, and are not, what women are supposed to be, do, feel, think, and be treated, and we conform. 


 


Societal forces, those manipulating and pulling the strings of this Matrix, of this false reality, have defined what a woman is, thus creating this “woke versus conservative” debate that challenges the very definition of a woman.  We’ve been told for thousands of years what a woman is to the point where we don’t question the definition of what a woman is, thus pitting us against one another to debate who can and should be considered a woman. 


 


Those who fall on the righteous and inclusive end of the spectrum, those who are still misguided and manipulated by the architects of society, assert that anyone who FEELS like a woman should be considered a woman.  The problem with that is in how we define how a woman should feel.  It was men, not God, not a divine being, who determined what women were supposed to think, how women were to supposed to dress and behave and feel. God did not create dresses, high heels, make up, or pantyhose. Those are creations of man, people with penises, who decided that ONLY women could wear those things. 


 


Nowhere in the bible does it say that only women can wear pink, lace, panty hose, skirts, or stilettos because all those things were created by men.   It was man who decided that men were only supposed to wear denim, wool, blue, and gray pants.  But we don’t question that premise, instead we argue that anyone can be a woman who feels like a woman. 


 


And who takes advantage of that most?  The white men who refuse to accept responsibility and accountability for their bisexuality LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to assert that they are sissies, meaning men who aren’t “real men”, men who are somehow supposed to be women behind closed doors because they love sex with other men.  But they aren’t women.  They don’t feel like women, they don’t possess the traits associated with women.  Society doesn’t treat them like women.  They don’t have to navigate the world being considered less than a man.  The second those white men, those sissies go out into the world, presenting as men, they fall right back in line with the patriarchy, and they actively work to oppress women and maintain the status quo.  Are there men who live as women in society and who bear the same burdens as people with wombs?  Yes!  They suffer more than women in most instances because they are murdered for not being masculine.  That is . . . I’m not even sure I have words for the transphobia that exists in this society.  It’s beyond evil.  Not so much for the pawns, the individuals who have been brainwashed to believe what makes a man a man and a woman a woman, but the architects of this society, who brainwashed us with a religion that would allow someone to hate another person for not conforming to the lies that have been shoved down our throats for millennia. 


 


We’ve been told that women like “girly” things, like dresses, and dolls, and make up. Here’s a rule of thumb you need to consider.  If the Creator of All didn’t make it, if the Creator of All didn’t create a dress, a doll, panties, high heels, a pocketbook, false eyelashes, or a wig found in nature, then the Creator of All doesn’t give a fuck if you wear it and it absolutely doesn’t define your gender or your sexuality or even your morality if you do. 


 


The very definition of a woman is that she is supposed to have a man protect her.  We’ve been brainwashed to believe that women shouldn’t like sports, that she should like cooking and cleaning and waiting on men hand and foot, that to be a woman is to be nurturing and submissive.  We have been told that the very first profession was a woman trading her body for money, relegating her to a sex object, a thing for men to purchase, trade, and discard when they’ve gotten what they want from her. First, that’s patently untrue.  Prostitution was not the first profession. However, with that very false belief, women are relegated to nothing more than the status of gold digger, manipulator, and pawn in a game controlled and run by people with penises. The definition of a woman, how women are supposed to navigate the world and how women are treated has been created, grafted, and enforced by people with no wombs.   


 


What would happen if women believed that they were equal to men from birth?  What sort of world would we live in if women knew that they were able to be as physically strong as men?  Our brains reject that sort of imagery because we’ve been so brainwashed we think the world would de-evolve into chaos, that it would signal the end times.  Well, what if men didn’t have to be seen as aggressive and violent and masculine, if they were allowed to show vulnerability, empathy, compassion, and even tenderness?  We, the victims of this charade, have to redefine what it means to be a woman and a man.  Let’s start with the biology, a woman is a human with a womb, and a man is a person with a penis and leave it there.  Anything after that, is what we decide.  And let’s decide that humanity is loving, that we treat each other with respect, the way we want to be treated and leave gender roles in the past. 


 


The problem lies in the fact that women are not genetically predisposed to be weaker than men, to be more nurturing, to be softer, more docile, or even like pink more than people with penises.  We are told that men who are nurturing, emotional, and not aggressive are not real men.  That is the problem.  The problem is, has been, will continue to be how we have normalized gender, a biological determination, as a status a role we must play in life.  As long as we say that women are not supposed to . . . fill in the blank with a behavior that is long-considered male, we will be enslaved to insanity. 


 


Every attribute ascribed to women, every role, the status of women in society, how individuals with wombs define themselves has been manipulated by puppet masters to rationalize and justify the objectification and oppression of individuals with wombs. 


 


The socially-conditioned and conformative “conservatives” don’t want to question or examine the roles that have been ascribed to men or women and they are willing to die, more aptly, they are willing to kill anyone who doesn’t believe exactly as they do, to hold on to those lies.  Conservative must be in quotes because they are, behind closed doors, engaging in the exact behaviors that they condemn others for.  They are blinded by the Matrix, convinced that reality can only be constructed of the edicts of the bible and they are willing to make everything fit their bigoted and fallacious thinking, even when they cross dress, or use strapons, or create fake profiles pretending to be someone other than what they are. 


 


Men have tear ducts.  That means, men are supposed to cry.  It does not mean they are weak if they cry, it means that the human body is supposed to process emotions by releasing tears.  It does not mean a man is gay if he cries.  It does not have any determination of a man’s character if he sheds tears.  But we tell boys, little boys, in the most formative years of their lives, that if they cry, they are sissies and weak and gay.  Crying does not, cannot, will not make a man want to suck a dick.  Crying is a normal biological response that every human being should be able to express without it defining their sexuality or character.  But we do.  We say that if a man cries, he’s weak.  We conform to the Matrix. 


 


Anal stimulation is pleasurable for every human being.  PERIOD.  Anal stimulation is pleasurable because our bodies are designed to feel pleasure from the nerves endings in our anus.  Read these words carefully.  The human body is designed, it is created to feel pleasure when stimulated anally.  The human body experiences pleasure when stimulated anally and that is not a function of one’s morality, religion, sexual identity, or a choice.  GOD created our bodies to feel pleasure when stimulated anally.  How can I say that?  Because if our bodies weren’t supposed to feel pleasure when stimulated anally, we wouldn’t.  We simply wouldn’t feel pleasure when we were stimulated anally because it wouldn’t be the way our bodies were designed. 


 


We’ve been convinced that men can’t feel pleasure anally because . . . they’re men, because we believe it’s a moral choice to like anal stimulation and that anyone who does is a deviant.  That’s insane.  We’ve been convinced that REAL men don’t experience pleasure anally when our bodies were designed to experience anal pleasure.  Real men are supposed to be macho, masculine, real men are supposed to be aggressive and violent even, we glorify those traits in people born with penises and we emphatically state that if a man likes anal stimulation, he’s less than a man.  God created our bodies to experience anal pleasure, man, a literal human male, decided that people with penises have to be hyper masculine and macho and that if he liked anal stimulation that made him less of a man.  And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that decision was made to control you, to make you feel fear, shame, and guilt for enjoying what your body was designed to enjoy. 


 


All the inclusive liberals, who haven’t even read this far, are screaming that I’m . . . whatever the term is for people who don’t want to define woman as a person who feels like a woman.  I’m not saying a person can’t decide that they don’t fit the gender role that society has created for whatever body they were born in.  I’m saying that as long as we define women as gentle, submissive, weak, emotional, feminine, and less than men, we are consuming the very drug that poisons our society.  Men shouldn’t have to be defined as liking sports and trucks and guns, all of those things are man-made, not divine.  Flowers were created by God but men are told they are gay if they say they like flowers.  When God created the color pink, there was no rule or law or commandment from on high that deemed that only people with wombs could like that color. 


 


Doctors, doctors who perform gender reassignment surgery, KNOW full well that gender is a social construct.  They know that feeling feminine, regardless of how socially constructed the concept is, is not a determination of gender but rather it is a human desire to want to feel attractive, desired, and sexually attractive.  They, the master manipulators, have created the rift that pits those who defend the bible against those who recognize that feeling “like a woman” is valid.  Men are supposed to feel vulnerable, soft, nurturing.  But because they have been cut off from those natural feelings, they act out in the most horrific ways.  And any man who acknowledges feeling those things is considered a woman.  But that’s not what makes a person a woman. 


 


Giving birth does not make a person a woman.  I’ve never given birth and I’m a woman.  Having a period does not make a person a woman.  I haven’t had a period for more than 4 years, HALLELUYAH, and I’m a woman.  Having a uterus does not make a person a woman, because having a hysterectomy removes your reproductive organs.  Women are people born with vaginas; men are people born with penises.  Yes, there are those who are born with ambiguous genitalia and they should be considered something other thana  man or a woman.  But the kicker is, they shouldn’t be defined by society as to what color they like and if they have to give up their name when they get married or if they should get paid less than a person with clearly defined genitalia. 


 


The ONLY thing that makes a person a woman is the presence of a womb at birth.  All the feelings, roles, status, and sexual desires and stigmas that have been assigned to women have been manipulated by society, not a white man in the sky who determined that if a piece of material is sewn into pants, a man can wear it and if it’s sewn into a skirt, only a woman can wear it, but an actual white man who felt weak and needed to create roles and identities for women so that he could feel more powerful.  Women can be physically strong, mentally strong, we can be a strategical and logistical mastermind, women can be anything we want.  It’s only society that has convinced us that women are weak and soft. 


 


How many women, how many Black women, are CONVINCED that they have to get married in a white dress, and spend thousands of dollars on that wedding dress, and the man has to make the money and support her, and all the lies associated with what it means to be a woman? We don’t even know the origin of the practices that we hold so dear, we simply say, “It’s in the bible,” when it really isn’t.  I had a Black woman, a grown woman, tell me once that she had never put gas in her own car because that as a man’s job.  She said her grandmother never did it and she was never going to do it because it was a man’s job to take care of her.  I know, I know.  White women are guilty of the same thing. White women are guilty of much worse conformity to dysfunctional behavior because society is built around the fragility of the white woman.  I don’t give a fuck about white women’s dysfunctional beliefs though.  I care the Black women are conforming to intentionally debilitating beliefs, beliefs that are detrimental to our survival as a community. 


 


I care that Black men are saying that, “That’s gay,” to benign, normal behaviors because they have become so brainwashed by the lies and manipulations of gender roles.  Black men, dear lord Black men are the most invested in holding on to traditional gender roles.  They NEED someone to oppress in order to feel powerful in a society that has robbed them of their autonomy.  Society has done a great job of making Black men out to be the most masculine men, the most coveted, the most feared, the most desired and the most hated . . . for their bigger dicks and muscular bodies and their inherent sexual prowess.  But that’s not what should define a man.  Manhood should be about accepting responsibility for your actions, being emotionally mature, being accountable for your mistakes.  Manhood has nothing to do with how many women you fuck or driving a truck. We have been bamboozled.  We have been fed a bill of goods about what life is about.  We tell men that they can create a life with someone and that all they have to do is provide financially.  We, as a community, as a society, are handicapped by that belie system that doesn’t allow men to know the joy of parenthood, of nurturing and shaping a life that loves you unconditionally.  Everything about masculinity is detrimental to our society.  Everything.  There is no inherent value in violence, aggression, or being unemotional. 


 


I don’t care who identifies as a woman, or a man for that matter.  I support anyone and everyone who says that the role society has defined for them is oppressive and they demand to break free.  It is my strong belief that we, as a society, should broaden our definition of what makes a man a man and a woman a woman so that we don’t have to struggle with shame, fear, and guilt for not conforming to the lies and dysfunction relegated by the master manipulators.  A human being has the right to define themselves as anything they want.  It is my sincere hope that we start expanding the definition of what it means to be a man and a woman beyond gender roles and allow men to be nurturing and emotional, we allow women to be strong and powerful.  What an amazing place it will be when we live in a world where human beings are allowed to express all their emotions, potential, and expressions of self without absurd, ridiculous man-made rules of gender. 

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Verifying Your Heterosexuality


For some years now, I’ve been in search of my openly bi, monogamous, non-Christian, emotionally mature divine-right partner.  I’ve never even come close to finding him.  I dated a man who shared my spiritual beliefs but who couldn’t stop fucking anything with a vagina.  I’ve dated several men who could stay monogamous for the short time we were together but they were extraordinarily emotionally immature.  I’ve never dated a man who was openly bi.  I’ve met and engaged with men who were bi in the hopes of forming a relationship, but I’ve never met any who were open about it.  They all struggled with their identity.  Oddly enough, they all started out proclaiming how heterosexual they really were.  Once they got it, once they figured out that I was really interested in an openly bisexual man and I wasn’t trying to trick them into revealing that they were down low so I could denigrate and degrade them, then all of a sudden, they miiiiiiiiiiight have experimented with something in their ass at some point and time or once or twice may have maaaaaaybe looked at tranny porn.  Once they realize I’m legit and I really am romantically interested in bisexual men, then comes the time when they confess how much they love dick.   They say that they have to lie about it because Black women will cut their dicks off if they tell the truth about it.

And I fully acknowledge and respect that a great many Black women are foaming at the mouth to demonize Black men for any sexuality that isn’t reflective of a Macho, Macho Man (I’ve got to be a Macho MAN!) demeanor. 

Here’s the thing.  I’m not aroused by heterosexuality.  I find the concept of heterosexuality to be juvenile and dysfunctional (and created by white men to perpetuate their egomaniacal need to oppress, dominate, and degrade women).  Human beings are capable of fluid sexuality.  All human beings, regardless of gender or race or whatever religion they practice, are capable of fluid sexuality. The men who insist that they are 100% straight, the ones who boast and brag about how straight they are and feel the need to verify it constantly in their conversations, the ones who are adamant that if another man sends them a message on Fetlife, they should fear for their lives, the men who act like they are going to vomit and convulse and die if they see another naked man, are 1. lying, and 2. offensive to me. 

This macho/masculine posturing is a deeply-ingrained part of Black male psyche.  It seems Black men need to constantly validate how heterosexual they are because they are the standard for male sexuality.  They have better bodies, they have bigger dicks, they are ostensibly better in bed, and they are lusted after by everyone.  Black male heterosexuality is the standard for machismo.  Black men are supposed to be driven by sexual lust, they are supposedly consumed with raping white women and making abandoned babies with Black women.  The Black man must be straight at all costs and he has to prove it constantly by reinforcing how he’s NEVER once thought about anything sexually other than “pussy” (women aren’t even usually given the respect of referring to us as human beings, we are only what we possess between our silky thighs).  

Now, FOR ME, and I understand that I’m in the minority but there are other Black women who respect and are aroused by bisexual Black men, I find the constant need to remind me that you are heterosexual to be immature.  It’s 2020.  We’ve all had access to the internet for more than 2 decades.  If someone says to me that they have never seen gay porn, I have to ask why.  You’ve never been curious enough to click on one video?  You think your heterosexuality is that fragile that you think that if you looked at gay porn that you would turn gay?  I’ve looked at every genre of porn there is just to see what it was about and I’ve never feared that my sexual identity would change if I just watched something.  I’ve watched people getting fucked by dogs and I’ve never had a desire to have sex with a dog so I feel pretty safe exploring the internet.  Why is it so hard to find a man who can admit that he’s watched gay porn? 

The few men I’ve met who identified as bisexual were still caught up in verifying their heterosexuality.  “Oh, I don’t kiss men.”  “I top, I don’t bottom,” , “I only like passable trannies, the ones that look like women,” and they ever-popular, “I am not really attracted to men, just dick.”  For the record, all of those perspectives are equally as unhealthy and dysfunctional as the, “I’ve NEVER thought about being with another man,” perspective.  And all those things are evidence that they still think there is something wrong with being bisexual or gay.  There has to be one brotha out there who gets that being bisexual is natural and nothing to be ashamed of, that it doesn't make him less of a man.  Where for art thou?

Everything we know about sexuality and gender is WRONG.  There is no law of nature that says that the rods and cones in a man’s eyes can’t appreciate and respect the color pink or a beautiful rose yet white men have convinced us that men can't like soft pretty, pink things.  Heels and makeup and all the trappings of what women are supposed to wear were all created by white men, not found in nature.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to say that women are supposed to wear heels and makeup when those things are the invention of men, not the divine power that created us.  To say that only women can wear pantyhose and dresses, man-made inventions, is to conform to the limited, fucked up mindset of the people who created those rules.  And the people who created gender rules were fucked up because it was there agenda to make men superior when we should all be considered equals. 

All people, all men and women are capable of being aroused anally.  There is no moral code, no extreme strength of character, no number of swinging inche between a man's legs that prevents some manly, masculine Alpha men from liking anal stimulation.  It’s biological.  Like crying.  If men have tear ducts, it means they are supposed to cry.  But we believe that if a man cries, that makes him . . . duhn, duhn, duhn, . . . weak, it makes him . . . a woman, and there is nothing more repulsive for a man to be than a woman, right?  Look at the rise in cross dressers over the last decade.  White men are buying more women’s clothing than women.  All because they think that if they like anal stimulation that means they are a woman.  How stupid is that?  It’s 2020 and we collectively believe that if a man likes anal penetration, that means he’s  immoral, he’s transgendered, or he’s gay.  It’s past time we stop believing these ridiculous and flawed gender rules.  They were made by white men with little dicks in order to try to control and oppress women. 

Black men are tied to proving how heterosexual they are but that’s extremely unappealing to me.  I want a brotha who doesn’t think he’s gay or immoral if he likes a finger in his ass when he’s getting his dick sucked.  Fuck around, I want a brotha who has kissed another man, I want a brotha who has loved another man; one who has been penetrated by and penetrated another man.  I want one who can admit that he’s looked at every genre of porn, and even one who can admit to being aroused by fringe and fetish porn.  I want a man who doesn’t have to lie about his sexuality and prove that he’s such a real man that he has never ever ever looked at anything other than straight porn. 

Do white men do it too?  Hell yes they do.  But white have the stigma of having little dicks so they are more apt to pretend to be alpha and straight in social settings and in public but their secret sexual identities are tied to being sissy faggots the second they are behind closed doors.  White men love to overcompensate and prove how straight they are, how dominant and alpha they are, but I don’t really give a fuck about white men’s mental health.  I don’t care if they lie about what they like.  I do care that Black men are so sexually and emotionally stunted that they are still holding on to concepts that will prevent them from ever forming a healthy relationship if they have to constantly lie about natural feelings, sensations, inclinations and proclivities.  We have to start being more honest with ourselves, with our partners.   

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Handicapping our Sons





There are certain things one needs in life in order to grow up emotionally healthy.  Because our culture has this deep seated hatred for Black men and, at the same time, an irrational worship of Black masculinity, we, meaning Black society, raise our little boys in ways that dishonor their proper maturation process.  We set the stage for them to be horrible fathers and husbands in childhood with practices and patterns that are nothing more than diseased remnants of slave teachings.  Because, however, these practices are accepted as standard, and touted as healthy, we, in essence, manufacture, disabled Black men.  All of our patterns and behaviors begin in childhood.  We go through our entire lives mirroring the “truths” we learn before we are 10 years old.  So to get to the origins of some of the pervasive and debilitating issues surrounding Black men, which are many of the issued Black men possess in staggering numbers, let’s take an in depth look at the life of a typical Black little boy, let’s call him Damon. 

Damon is a beautiful, brown little boy with all the potential in the world.  He, like almost every black child, is being parented by his single mother.  He was the “byproduct” of a four month fling in which his mother, a very pretty, light-skinned women got pregnant and her “boyfriend” did a Maury Povich and said, “It ain’t mine.”  Turns out he was and the father has to pay court ordered child support and has scheduled visitation.  Damon’s grandparents are “high yellow” and they often criticize their daughter for getting pregnant by such a “Black” man, right in front of Damon.  His mother wasn’t emotionally prepared to have a child, because she, like most Black women, hadn’t dealt with her own issues.  Oh, she is excellent at repeating clichés like, “I’m a strong black woman, I don’t need a man, and, I can be the mother and the father.”  But those are just empty and irrational sayings that have no meaning because any mature adult knows that a child is best reared by two parents in a loving environment and it’s not even emotionally possible for a mother to teach her son how to be a man because she has no clue what it means to be a man.  She might be capable of raising him to be a good person, IF she had cleaned up the mess of her own emotional life first, but she didn’t and she beats the crap out of her son for every minor, perceived, or imagined infraction, every chance she can get, saying that she’s teaching him discipline when all she’s really doing is reinforcing violence and hatred. 

In order to be a trusting adult, you need to have reliable, dependable people in your life, you need stability.  Damon is 8 years old and he’s lived in four apartments already.  He and his mother move frequently to avoid getting evicted for failure to pay the rent.  His mom works a steady job but she spends her money carelessly, opting to buy clothes and shoes, and getting her hair done in order to be attractive to men rather than budget her money and provide a stable home for her child.  She thinks that Damon is the reason she can’t get a man, an although, to her credit, she doesn’t come out and say it, she shows it in her behavior, quick to leave him at various “auntie’s” houses any and every chance she can get to go out on a date.  Damon’s absentee father breaks promises all the time in order to get out of his parenting responsibilities so he can run the streets with all his women.  Poor Damon.  He learns very early that father’s are never present and that women put men first.  The only thing that is constant in his life, the only thing that he can truly trust, is that there is going to be change and disappointments.  He has to make new friends every time they move and he never really feels a sense of permanence or feels like he has a home because he knows at any moment, his mother could say, “Start packing, it’s time to go.”  Damon grows up and he doesn’t let people get close to him because believes relationships are temporary and he’s never had anyone provide stability, consistency, security, or even a sense of being loved in his life.

Little Damon learned early on that he wasn’t good enough, that there was something inherently wrong with him.  His mother would come home from work, frustrated and angry from the job and yell and scream at him.  It was usually her chance to get out all her frustration with the world.  “Damon, you stupid little nigga, you are just like your father, that no good son of a bitch.  I hate him.  You are an evil, hateful child.”  Sweet innocent Damon hears that and learns that he was born no good, that he isn’t good enough as is, so he has to become something else, someone else.  He wears the mask that grins and lies.  Adult Damon adapts his behavior to what he learns as a child by being untrustworthy, never really being his authentic self with anyone, shaping and morphing his personality to fit people’s needs, and ultimately, he can’t keep up the façade and lets them down when the game gets too demanding.  It becomes too tiresome to keep up the image of being something and someone he really isn’t, of pretending to be someone he’s not, so he doesn’t keep his promises, he doesn’t follow through, he doesn’t live up to his word.  But the real authentic Damon, the one inside is looking for validation.  He’s never gotten it, he’s not even sure it exists, so all he knows is to keep lying, keep pretending to be something he’s not to prove to the world that he is worthy.  When he let’s the people around him down, his subconscious mind validates his mother’s words, that he really is no good.

Little Damon learned to lie at an early age.  His mom would always make him responsible for her happiness.  She would call him “her little man” and tell him that he was the only man in her life.  He felt responsible for making his mommy happy.  He hated seeing his mommy mad at him, and she would fly off into a rage when he did something bad, so when she confronted him, he would lie to make his mommy proud of him, to make sure she loved him.  Damon would never get a spanking when he lied, but he would get a beating every time he told the truth.  Mommy, desperate to make Damon the man in her life, never held little Damon accountable when he lied to others.  She coddled him and defended him against anyone who would dare accuse him of anything wrong because she thought any implied imperfections of her son were a reflection on her poor mothering skills.  If his mom sanctioned his lying by telling her own lies then lying couldn’t be all that bad.  Lying got him out of trouble, made people happy, didn’t make people mad at him.  It became first nature for Big Damon to lie, to deny, to deceive, and to lie some more.  Adult Damon lies so much, he doesn’t even realize what the truth is.  He can look a person in the eye and lie without so much as blinking an eye and he has no concept that he’s wrong for it. 

“Little boys don’t cry.”  Little Damon heard it over and over again.  “Be a man, don’t be a sissy, real men don’t cry.”  Okay, so little Damon holds in his tears as best he can.  He wants to be a man, right?  All the men in his life are playboys.  All the men in his life use women for sex.  Every message he gets, from TV to friends to that same absentee dad who blows him off for his dates is that men fuck women to prove their manhood.  When he has sex for the first time, usually at an exceptionally young age, he “feels” this great sensation.  It’s more than physical, it’s a moment of release where he can be himself.  He loves that feeling.  He isn’t able to articulate it because  . . . well because he’s never ever been taught to express his feelings because that’s not something boys do.   He associates sex with feeling good but never with intimacy and connection because those are terms he doesn’t even understand.  Everything in society tells him that his big, black dick makes him a man.  Not once is he told that a being a man means having integrity, keeping your promises, being honest when it means you won’t get what you want.  Big Damon uses women for sex left and right, craving the sensation of closeness, craving the opportunity to let down his guard but completely unaware of how to go about it with a partner.  He knows pornos and women who yell and scream at him for being emotionally unavailable but he doesn’t have a clue as to what they are talking about so he moves on to the next woman to fuck and see if he can’t get that feeling again. 

Damon is every Black man.  His experience isn’t identical to every Black man but in far far too many instances it’s damn close.  Now, the triggers can be different.  I could tell the same story with Damon and he could have lived in the same home all his life, with a dad and a mom who were super rigid and super strict, he could have waited until he was a grown man until he had sex but the messages he learned were the same:  that people are untrustworthy, that there’s something inherently bad about him that needs to be suppressed and that lying makes life easier and that sex soothes his weary soul.  Damon has grown up to be an emotionally immature man who uses women for sex without remorse, who lies constantly, who feels justification for never trusting anyone and who changes his persona to fit every relationship in his life.  The saddest part is that Damon doesn’t see anything wrong with the way he is because it’s been his programming since before he had memories and it’s his natural state of existence.  I’m not saying that the reason black relationships are failing is because of Black men, but I’m saying that until men can break their patterns and as long as society tells them that they are justified in whatever they do, we are fucked as a race. 

If Black men can figure out that the messages they got as children, the bad programming, figure out what happened to give them the blueprint for their life were fucked up, they can start the healing process.  I pray that I can somehow get Black men to see that their blueprint wasn’t designed well but that doesn’t mean that they are bad people and it doesn’t mean that the foundation for their lives is right, we can start heal Black relationships. 

Copyright 2006 Scottie Lowe