“But I like it!”

We are in a perpetual state of sexual dysfunction because we can’t have an informed, mature, logical conversation about sex and sexuality without one of two dynamics halting any forward progress.  The first is always the ever popular “Ewww, that’s nasty.”  People LOVE, love, love to insist that everything is nasty, everything is wrong, everything is inappropriate to discuss.  People have been socialized to have an obsessive need to shame, disparage, denigrate, and denounce anything, everything, and anyone who has the audacity to discuss sex and sexuality so that they can appear infinitely more holy, moral, chaste, and conservative than those highly inappropriate and morally-offensive sexual people.  For them, nothing is ever appropriate to discuss, everything is “too much information,” and dear lord, anything concerning sex besides vanilla sex on a Friday night with the lights out with your married opposite gender spouse for the sole purposes of procreation is DISGUSTING!

The vast and overwhelming majority of society falls into that category.  It’s how we are socialized as a culture.  It’s the default mode.  It’s unhealthy in that it negates and denies that people are, essentially and fundamentally, sexual beings.  It makes everything about sex dirty, bad and wrong and that is the recipe for sexual immaturity and dysfunction.  It’s immature, both sexually and psychologically.  But there is another side to the equation.  The other side of this very dysfunctional sexual coin are the people who say, in essence, “Well, it can’t be wrong if I like it.”  There is a defense mechanism that human beings have, it kicks in with all discussions of “right and wrong” that people defend whatever it is they like to the detriment of logic and reason.  If a person likes a particular behavior, activity, fetish, object, or fantasy, their mind won’t allow them to say that it’s wrong, because, in essence, admitting that there is something not quite right about a behavior they possess is admitting to the world, and to themselves, that they are flawed and people are just not emotionally mature enough to do that.  What we, collectively and as a society as a whole have done, is not allow people the safe space to say that they aren’t perfect, that there are areas of their lives that need to be worked on, that need to evolve and grow.  It’s created this stringent need to hold on to the patterns and behaviors that are unhealthy and we can rationalize and justify them because other, “Well, other people like it too.”  It’s our psychological safety net.  “I like it, so it can’t be wrong,” means, “I’m fine just the way I am, and if I’m comfortable with it, if I can admit to liking it, it means that it’s perfectly fine. It means that I’m perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with me.” 

Both positions prevent us from having healthy conversations about sex.  The visceral, violent reaction I got the other day from suggesting that the need to degrade or be degraded during sex was unhealthy is a prime example.  I’m going to use the same example to illustrate my point.  If there was an individual highlighted in the news who proclaimed that they enjoyed being bullied, or even abused by their spouse, that they go enjoyment and satisfaction from being beat up and harrassed, everyone without exception would say, “Wow, that poor person.  They are psychologically damaged.  That’s so sad.  I hope they get help.”  And people would be right for the most part.  I’m sure the motivation to appear superior to them would be at the base of most people’s comments but anyone who got emotional or psychological or even physical pleasure from being humiliated certainly has some issues they need to work on.  That wouldn’t be up for debate.  If someone were so bold and brazen, and presumably crazy enough to admit that they enjoy beating their spouse, that they get pleasure from bullying others, that didn’t find anything whatsoever wrong with beating up people because they got a sense of satisfaction from it, people would be ready to throw them under the jail.  There wouldn’t even be room for discussion.  Certain people were highly offended, however, because I suggested that the same behavior in the bedroom is unhealthy.  Because they like to degrade others sexually, because there are those who enjoy being degraded sexually, because the sexual degradation and humiliation of women is so common that it’s accepted as normal, because the BDSM community is so large, people were adamant that the behavior was just fine, there were no problems with it whatsoever, that I’m a fucking bitch for even suggesting that something is wrong with it. 

I’m a writer, I’m more than a writer however, I’m dedicated to shifting our perceptions of sexuality, to creating a healthier paradigm.  I can freely admit to liking, wanting, and being aroused by behaviors in my life that were unhealthy.  I’m not at all ashamed to admit that.  It’s part of my growth process.  It’s a sign that I’m evolving as a human being.  I am not content to hold on to belief systems that are unhealthy.  I’m also aware that my writing is a vehicle for promoting conversation.  The stories I write about degrading and humiliating white men are NOT my fantasies, they do not arouse me.  They are stories that I write for clients of my personalized, customized erotic stories.  They are divine (figuratively) opportunities for me to highlight the inherent racism of white culture and to provide white people an opportunity to see Black people in a healthier, more well-rounded light.  They are all written with the objective to shine a very ugly light on their objectification of Black sexuality and genitalia.  People respond to the messages they get when they are in a highly aroused state, they associate the things that are introduced to them during that state with sex.  I set the stage, as it were, for white men the world over to read and learn and understand that Black people are not just things for them to fantasize about but complex human beings who are more valuable than just our sexuality.  Read my interracial stories again and see if you don’t get that.  All the Black characters are empowered, autonomous, highly-intelligent and function as more than just props to get white men off. 

That being said, in my private life, I have been a Domme.  I have dominated, humiliated, and degraded white men in my personal life (not to the extent of the characters in my stories because I’m not that one-dimensional) but I would not only be foolish but I would be delusional if I didn’t acknowledge that the pleasure I got in seeing white men mentally and psychologically broken didn’t stem from the generations of oppression Black people have endured and it’s resulting effect that has had on my personal identity as a Black woman.  Just because I like it doesn’t mean that it’s healthy.  Just because the white men I’ve dominated liked it doesn’t mean that they are psychologically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually healthy.  Just because they have jobs and function in society well doesn’t equate to the behavior being healthy either.  Just because hundreds of thousands of people enjoy similar behaviors doesn’t mean that it’s healthy.  Just because the entire porn industry, society in general, and all the we know to be true and right and normal says that degrading, objectifying, humiliating, and abusing women sexually is okay doesn’t make it right or healthy. 

So, there are going to be people crawling out of the woodworks again to tell me how wrong I am, that I don’t know what I’m talking about, that it’s just my opinion and be sure to point out exactly how they think I’m contradicting myself with my previous writings.  There are going to be individuals who are going to insist that anything that happens between adults that is consensual is perfectly fine.  We are not talking about rape, we are talking about the need to degrade and be degraded; we are talking about the psychological factors that go into the sexual arousal associated with making someone feel less about themselves.  The discussion has to go beyond just what’s consensual to what’s healthy.  Everything that we do, regardless of its popularity, regardless of how accepted and isn’t evolved, isn’t moving us towards healing our collective sexuality. 

Sex is about more than just lame baby oil and a massage.  I intentionally write about sexual acts beyond the fringe, beyond what’s vanilla and plain and boring.  I write about strapon sex from a point of love and giving pleasure.  It’s passionate and vigorous but it’s NOT about degrading one’s partner, it’s not about power or control, it’s not about degradation and humiliation.  I write about watersports.  I write about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered individuals who enjoy sex in a way that celebrates them as sexual beings.  And if I do write about something that might appear to the superficial reader to be about something that I’ve said is unhealthy, you can be assured that I’m doing so in a way that promotes discussion about how to move to a healthier way to relate to one another. I am meeting people where they are at.  Look deeper and see that I’m writing about a way for people to see sex as being compromised of a whole host of things that are exploratory, adventurous, and beyond vanilla that are in no way associated with devaluing a person’s worth or identity.  I address people’s unhealthy behaviors and I lead them to a way that is healthier with my words. 

Sex should be about being expressive, passionate, emotionally honest, it should be about pleasure.  There are tons of things that are included under that umbrella, that indicate a healthy way to look at sex that go way, way, way beyond what puritanical society tells us is acceptable.  “But I like being called a slut and a whore during sex, I like being slapped and having my hair pulled.  It turns me on.”  Women who enjoy being degraded during sex, ask yourself, why is it okay to like being degraded during sex with behaviors that you would absolutely, positively NOT be okay with outside of a sexual situation?  What about the act of sex makes being slapped and called names okay, arousing even, that you would not tolerate outside of a sexual situation?  Is it because you learned that being sexual was bad, that you need to be punished?  Is it because some dude called you a name during sex when you were younger, when you were in a highly aroused state, and your subconscious mind associated that behavior with sex?  They are hard questions.  It requires you look at yourself and your behaviors in a way that most people are unwilling to do.  It requires a level of introspection and soul-searching that will make you challenge your belief systems and maybe even admit that all the things you like aren’t completely healthy.  Most people will hit a brick wall, their brains won’t let them even process the questions because it will put them in a place of maybe, quite possibly, having to admit that they aren’t perfect. 

Men who enjoy degrading women during sex, there’s nothing under the sun I can say to you that will make you question your motives or behaviors.  You are trapped in your pathos and you won’t be moved.  Patriarchy and misogyny are so deeply ingrained in our society there’s nothing that anyone could say to make you challenge your belief systems.  But, maybe, there is a woman out there, with God’s graces, there will be a few women, who will say to themselves, “Why do I think it’s wrong for me to pleasured, pampered, and seduced?  Why do I not feel deserving of extended foreplay and tenderness that leads up to indescribable passion?  Why do I need to be called names during sex and why do I think that’s arousing?”  Perhaps there is one woman somewhere reading this who will start to question why she needs to be slapped and abused in order to feel arousal, or why being with someone’s husband feels more exhilarating, or she will start to ask herself if she’s worth more than the $100 she’s getting to have sex with someone who doesn’t value and respect her as a person.  With any luck, she will start to unravel the layers of her sexuality that have created her to be the woman she is and she will, one day, when you start calling her a slut and a whore, tell you that you cannot call her names just to boost your ego, you cannot slap her, choke her, spit on her, that she wants more than just her back blown out and she will feel deserving of asking for being pampered, catered to, and adored BEFORE she gets to the hot and sweating fucking that will make her eyes roll back in her head.  Perhaps. 

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

"You Fucking Cunt!"

I absolutely and vehemently believe that the act of deriving pleasure from degrading, slapping, choking, inflicting pain, humiliating, calling someone names, and using sex as a form of power comes from a place of low self-esteem.  It is my unwavering belief that the person who is driven to perform those sorts of acts to someone else does so to boost their own sense of self, not from a place of true power or benign sex play, but the need to objectify and demean someone else comes from a need to feel more empowered, to make themselves feel worthy, to feel superior to someone because there is something inherent in them that feels inferior.  It’s not psychologically healthy to want, need, or get pleasure from making someone else feel worthless or even inflicting pain on someone.  Conversely, it has to be said that the need to be and the act of deriving pleasure from being called names, degraded, humiliated, objectified etc., comes from an unhealthy psychological place as well.  There is something collectively wrong with our society that it creates people who both need to degrade and need to be degraded. 

Queue the entire BDSM community and people on both sides of the equation who are unwilling to look at their behaviors as unhealthy.  They will defend their behaviors as normal and rationalize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their preferences.  Even average Sue and Sally who get aroused at being called a slut and a whore during sex will claim feminist status for this issue alone and defend her right to be choked and slapped as her right.  And it is her right.  But that doesn’t mean that it comes from a psychologically healthy place.  Western society is set up to reinforce to men who get off on degrading and humiliating women that it’s their right as manly MEN (grunt grunt) to slap women around and pull them by the hair, that it’s the way God with a penis wants things to be.   And men who desire to be subjected to degrading and humiliating behavior sexually are so conflicted that they will never acknowledge publically that is a desire or preference because that will mean that they will be seen as less than a real man.  NO ONE wants to acknowledge or give credence to the notion that there is something unhealthy, dysfunctional, or psychologically damaged about the way they view and experience sex.  No one wants to admit that, Goddess forbid, that there may be something “wrong” with them. 

I don’t think, in fact I KNOW that the fault doesn’t lie in the individual but society in general that doesn’t reinforce, teach, and structure healthy self-esteem into our children.  We, collectively, are doing something tragically and detrimentally wrong in the way we are raising our children.  We are shaming out children about sex and sexuality.  It’s manifesting itself in unhealthy behaviors behind closed doors as adults and the system is set up to keep things just as they are.  Patriarchy is unhealthy.  Corporal punishment is unhealthy.  Whatever is it that we do to raise our children where they can’t grow up to see their inherent worth, beauty, and divinity and say, “No, I don’t find it arousing to be disrespected,” or “No, I don’t need to slap, choke, or degrade someone in order to feel better about myself,” is WRONG. 

Our culture is set up to reinforce that sex is dirty and bad and wrong and shouldn’t be discussed in any way.  The entire system is set up so people refuse to acknowledge that there might be a better, healthier way to have sex and that this whole concept that WHATEVER we do is just fine as long as we don’t have a problem with it.  This puritanical, right-wing, close-minded, oppressive system of shaming people about their sexuality is set up so that even the people who like things that are sexually dysfunctional can pretend to be outraged, offended, and disgusted by even the mere mention of the word sex.  We don’t know how to determine what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy because we can’t even have a conversation about sex in any meaningful way without the slut-shamers, the bible thumping holier-than-thous, and the “I’m fine just the way I am, you can’t tell me,” contingency INSISTING that nothing is wrong with the way we are dealing with, addressing, and looking at our sexuality.  There has to be a better way. 

There IS a way to relate to each other in a healthy, enlightened, erotic, sensual way that doesn’t involve degradation and humiliation.  We can explore sexuality in a myriad of ways, far beyond vanilla, boring, unimaginative sex, that doesn’t involve the objectification of one partner to get our rocks off.   

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

The Other Half of the Amulet

It was the sound of his voice that triggered the knowing.  In that split second, when I heard the acoustic waves created only by his vocal cords, I knew I had found my perfect submissive.  He is the other half of the amulet, the yin to my yang, the missing piece that fits my kinky puzzle perfectly.  Intelligent, articulate, completely depraved and perverted; he fits me.  He is my equal and my opposite in every way.  For all of my excellence and superiority he is excellently and equally inferior.  He craves filth in a way that is far more extreme than most people could wrap their heads around and I can deliver what he craves and then some.  He recognized my inherent dominance from our first communication and I could see his sub-human true nature instantly. 

He’d been molested as a child.  His father’s best friend had his hands in his pants before he was in little league.  The abuse lasted until he was well into his teens and it grew more and more extreme, more twisted and perverted as the years progressed.  By the time the man was promoted and moved away, my bitch had been emotionally and psychologically warped beyond repair and sexually used by more men than he could count.  Now in his 40s, he’s become successful in his career and maintains the image of normalcy but it is just an image, a fake persona he wears.  He is obsessed with sex.  It consumes him.  All day, every day, he thinks of nothing more than how to get his next nut, of how he can make it more extreme.  His needs for stimulation have graduated far beyond anything remotely close to vanilla.  He’s spent thousands of dollars over the years on toys and gear and hookers and memberships to websites.  In every meeting, at every conference, he schemes and plots about how to be nastier, more sinister.  At every company luncheon, he looks at his co-wokers and knows that they would be horrified if they knew he could fit a dildo the size of a grown man’s forearm in his slutty boicunt . . . and that he craves bigger, thicker, longer ones fucking him senseless. 

Because of the abuse, he has trust issues.  His father knew of the exploitation and turned a blind eye to it.  They had a network of deviants that shared each other’s kids.  His father liked little girls so he would allow his son to have sleepovers and camping trips with his friends while he got to play house with his friend’s daughters.  Because of that, my little bitch doesn’t know what real affection and innocence feel like; he doesn’t know what it means to be a child who is protected and loved.  I exploit that.  I make him call me Mommy and make him feel like shit because of it.  I toy with his emotions, degrade and humiliate him, taunt and tease him and remind him of how inherently fucked up he is, how he will never be normal, never have a normal relationship with anyone.  I threaten to withhold my attention from him for my arousal; I terrorize him by intimating that I will throw him away like a piece of trash.  It hurts him.  I can see it in his eyes.  But it arouses him.  The more I tell him the truth, the more it makes him insane with lust and hunger.  The more I toy with his emotions, the more it gets my pussy incredibly wet. 

I own his very soul.  I can tell him to do anything and he will still need more.  If I tell him to suck my dog’s cock, he will ram his tongue in his asshole.  My absolute favorite thing to do to him is to have him on his knees, with my lover fucking him savagely with his huge black cock, with his face in my hands, whispering in his ear, telling him that he is my white bitch boi.  I punish him with threats that I will make him suck disgusting, old, white cock, like his abuser’s and he curls up like a ball and cries like a baby at the thought.  He knows that his whiteness is an illusion.  He knows that he isn’t more intelligent, that the arrogance and all his accomplishments were ill gotten gains. The truth, and he knows it, is that he has only achieved his success because white men have manipulated, lied, cheated, oppressed, cajoled, and stolen whatever advantages they have gotten.  He knows, every time he has a black cock deep in his throat, that white men are the sick and twisted ones because I remind him that white men are the ones who created him to be what he is. 

Every time he reads the racist rants of white men online, virtually screaming about how Blacks are inherently inferior, he knows that they are fighting their own demons, trying to deny what they know to be true in their hearts as well, that Blacks have more integrity, more ingenuity, more common sense, and a stronger will to survive than any white person could ever hope to have.  With me, he can let down that defense.  With me, he can be the pig he knows is his bloodline, his birthright.  He comes from a long line a pigs and he is proud of it with me.  He sees my grace, dignity, and my morality in my beautiful brown skin, in my deep, intoxicating eyes.  He sees that I can control him with just a glance, a word softly murmured when he is on the verge of orgasm.  I have the ability to break him down in a way no other person has ever done.  He tries to build relationships with women, to pretend to be “that guy” the bachelor who Barbie wants, but his DNA is damaged and we both know it. 

He has cried in my arms when I speak of the real horrors of slavery, of what heinous and evil things white men have done for generations.  He has sobbed like a baby when I described the generations of racist privilege he had inherited to the detriment of my beautiful, strong, resilient, and inherently SUPERIOR ancestors.  He knows that his father’s perversions weren’t isolated, that his father’s friends weren’t unique or exclusive.  With me, he understands that the depravity in his blood has been there for generations and that Africans who were enslaved could never have been as twisted and damaged as his ancestors had been.  His mother loves to be abused.  His sister is a slut of extreme proportions.  His father is a monster.  And with me, my bitch is completely free to be the slug that he was born to be and give up his false sense of white superiority. 

Copyright 2013 AfroerotiK All Rights Reserved