Color Matters

I can't get over how quick people are to repeat cliché’s as if they have any foundation in truth whatsoever.  COLOR MATTERS.  Color matters in every fucking thing.  It matters in every single facet of society.  Color matters in the partners you choose and in the preferences you have for partners.  "Oh, color doesn't matter, love is all there is."  BULLSHIT.  This country is founded on racism, racism exists everywhere you turn.  As long as black children are intentionally undereducated to keep a menial working class, as long as drugs are continually pumped into black neighborhoods to keep the people in the most pain anesthetized, as long as the systems to prevent equal access to people of color still exist, COLOR FUCKING MATTERS. 

Slave mentality still exists.  The preference for light skin and unnatural hair is a manifestation of slave mentality.  If that hasn't been healed, that one tiny drop in the bucket of diseased beliefs that we inherited, then how in the hell can anyone claim that color doesn't matter in an interracial relationship where light skin and "good hair" are going to be the result of procreation?  Brothas dating and marrying white women to get light kids is all too common and then they say, "Well, I didn't meet any black women that were interested in me," or, "white women treat me better." 

Color matters because Black people don't even know the history of the land they came from.  We don't even know the painful history of our past in this country.  How can color not matter in a relationship where slavery and all of its many horrors can not be discussed in an effort to heal the race of people that make up 50% of the relationship? 

Preferences aren't some magical things that happen in a vacuum.  If a black man prefers white women, or Hispanic women, or Asian women, or any and every woman other than Black women, it's because he's been led to believe that black women are “less than” these other women.  "Oh, I can't help who I'm attracted to."  Right, you can't.  However, that doesn't mean that your influences weren't shaped by racist beliefs either, beliefs that made you hate black women and see white women as better.  If the only black woman that you know that you respect is your mother, you can be assured that you have a diseased view of black women that is unhealthy.  If you can't find one black woman that treats you right, if you think that white women treat you better consistently, then you damn skippy are trying to deny your blackness and find your identity in the being colorless which is . . . self-hatred. 

Can people of differing races find love?  Sure.  Does that mean that color doesn't matter?  Hell no.  There are layers upon layers of untreated wounds in black people that lead them to find comfort in the arms of another race.  That's not even addressing the racist beliefs that white people inherent being raised in this society.  To deny that those racist beliefs shape the fabric of interracial relationships is ridiculous. 

White women aren’t inherently more supportive than sistas.

White men don’t have a gene that allows them to treat black women better. 

The black people, both men and women, that claim that they can’t find anyone of their own race to love aren’t colorblind, they are oblivious to their own debilitating beliefs. 

Are there examples of healthy interracial relationships?  Sure, with black people who are secure with their identity, that are not willing to ignore their history, culture, and the oppression of people of color, who do not have to denigrate black men or women in order to find love with another race, and who don’t ascribe to the utopian notion that color doesn’t matter. 

“But I like it!”

We are in a perpetual state of sexual dysfunction because we can’t have an informed, mature, logical conversation about sex and sexuality without one of two dynamics halting any forward progress.  The first is always the ever popular “Ewww, that’s nasty.”  People LOVE, love, love to insist that everything is nasty, everything is wrong, everything is inappropriate to discuss.  People have been socialized to have an obsessive need to shame, disparage, denigrate, and denounce anything, everything, and anyone who has the audacity to discuss sex and sexuality so that they can appear infinitely more holy, moral, chaste, and conservative than those highly inappropriate and morally-offensive sexual people.  For them, nothing is ever appropriate to discuss, everything is “too much information,” and dear lord, anything concerning sex besides vanilla sex on a Friday night with the lights out with your married opposite gender spouse for the sole purposes of procreation is DISGUSTING!

The vast and overwhelming majority of society falls into that category.  It’s how we are socialized as a culture.  It’s the default mode.  It’s unhealthy in that it negates and denies that people are, essentially and fundamentally, sexual beings.  It makes everything about sex dirty, bad and wrong and that is the recipe for sexual immaturity and dysfunction.  It’s immature, both sexually and psychologically.  But there is another side to the equation.  The other side of this very dysfunctional sexual coin are the people who say, in essence, “Well, it can’t be wrong if I like it.”  There is a defense mechanism that human beings have, it kicks in with all discussions of “right and wrong” that people defend whatever it is they like to the detriment of logic and reason.  If a person likes a particular behavior, activity, fetish, object, or fantasy, their mind won’t allow them to say that it’s wrong, because, in essence, admitting that there is something not quite right about a behavior they possess is admitting to the world, and to themselves, that they are flawed and people are just not emotionally mature enough to do that.  What we, collectively and as a society as a whole have done, is not allow people the safe space to say that they aren’t perfect, that there are areas of their lives that need to be worked on, that need to evolve and grow.  It’s created this stringent need to hold on to the patterns and behaviors that are unhealthy and we can rationalize and justify them because other, “Well, other people like it too.”  It’s our psychological safety net.  “I like it, so it can’t be wrong,” means, “I’m fine just the way I am, and if I’m comfortable with it, if I can admit to liking it, it means that it’s perfectly fine. It means that I’m perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with me.” 

Both positions prevent us from having healthy conversations about sex.  The visceral, violent reaction I got the other day from suggesting that the need to degrade or be degraded during sex was unhealthy is a prime example.  I’m going to use the same example to illustrate my point.  If there was an individual highlighted in the news who proclaimed that they enjoyed being bullied, or even abused by their spouse, that they go enjoyment and satisfaction from being beat up and harrassed, everyone without exception would say, “Wow, that poor person.  They are psychologically damaged.  That’s so sad.  I hope they get help.”  And people would be right for the most part.  I’m sure the motivation to appear superior to them would be at the base of most people’s comments but anyone who got emotional or psychological or even physical pleasure from being humiliated certainly has some issues they need to work on.  That wouldn’t be up for debate.  If someone were so bold and brazen, and presumably crazy enough to admit that they enjoy beating their spouse, that they get pleasure from bullying others, that didn’t find anything whatsoever wrong with beating up people because they got a sense of satisfaction from it, people would be ready to throw them under the jail.  There wouldn’t even be room for discussion.  Certain people were highly offended, however, because I suggested that the same behavior in the bedroom is unhealthy.  Because they like to degrade others sexually, because there are those who enjoy being degraded sexually, because the sexual degradation and humiliation of women is so common that it’s accepted as normal, because the BDSM community is so large, people were adamant that the behavior was just fine, there were no problems with it whatsoever, that I’m a fucking bitch for even suggesting that something is wrong with it. 

I’m a writer, I’m more than a writer however, I’m dedicated to shifting our perceptions of sexuality, to creating a healthier paradigm.  I can freely admit to liking, wanting, and being aroused by behaviors in my life that were unhealthy.  I’m not at all ashamed to admit that.  It’s part of my growth process.  It’s a sign that I’m evolving as a human being.  I am not content to hold on to belief systems that are unhealthy.  I’m also aware that my writing is a vehicle for promoting conversation.  The stories I write about degrading and humiliating white men are NOT my fantasies, they do not arouse me.  They are stories that I write for clients of my personalized, customized erotic stories.  They are divine (figuratively) opportunities for me to highlight the inherent racism of white culture and to provide white people an opportunity to see Black people in a healthier, more well-rounded light.  They are all written with the objective to shine a very ugly light on their objectification of Black sexuality and genitalia.  People respond to the messages they get when they are in a highly aroused state, they associate the things that are introduced to them during that state with sex.  I set the stage, as it were, for white men the world over to read and learn and understand that Black people are not just things for them to fantasize about but complex human beings who are more valuable than just our sexuality.  Read my interracial stories again and see if you don’t get that.  All the Black characters are empowered, autonomous, highly-intelligent and function as more than just props to get white men off. 

That being said, in my private life, I have been a Domme.  I have dominated, humiliated, and degraded white men in my personal life (not to the extent of the characters in my stories because I’m not that one-dimensional) but I would not only be foolish but I would be delusional if I didn’t acknowledge that the pleasure I got in seeing white men mentally and psychologically broken didn’t stem from the generations of oppression Black people have endured and it’s resulting effect that has had on my personal identity as a Black woman.  Just because I like it doesn’t mean that it’s healthy.  Just because the white men I’ve dominated liked it doesn’t mean that they are psychologically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually healthy.  Just because they have jobs and function in society well doesn’t equate to the behavior being healthy either.  Just because hundreds of thousands of people enjoy similar behaviors doesn’t mean that it’s healthy.  Just because the entire porn industry, society in general, and all the we know to be true and right and normal says that degrading, objectifying, humiliating, and abusing women sexually is okay doesn’t make it right or healthy. 

So, there are going to be people crawling out of the woodworks again to tell me how wrong I am, that I don’t know what I’m talking about, that it’s just my opinion and be sure to point out exactly how they think I’m contradicting myself with my previous writings.  There are going to be individuals who are going to insist that anything that happens between adults that is consensual is perfectly fine.  We are not talking about rape, we are talking about the need to degrade and be degraded; we are talking about the psychological factors that go into the sexual arousal associated with making someone feel less about themselves.  The discussion has to go beyond just what’s consensual to what’s healthy.  Everything that we do, regardless of its popularity, regardless of how accepted and isn’t evolved, isn’t moving us towards healing our collective sexuality. 

Sex is about more than just lame baby oil and a massage.  I intentionally write about sexual acts beyond the fringe, beyond what’s vanilla and plain and boring.  I write about strapon sex from a point of love and giving pleasure.  It’s passionate and vigorous but it’s NOT about degrading one’s partner, it’s not about power or control, it’s not about degradation and humiliation.  I write about watersports.  I write about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered individuals who enjoy sex in a way that celebrates them as sexual beings.  And if I do write about something that might appear to the superficial reader to be about something that I’ve said is unhealthy, you can be assured that I’m doing so in a way that promotes discussion about how to move to a healthier way to relate to one another. I am meeting people where they are at.  Look deeper and see that I’m writing about a way for people to see sex as being compromised of a whole host of things that are exploratory, adventurous, and beyond vanilla that are in no way associated with devaluing a person’s worth or identity.  I address people’s unhealthy behaviors and I lead them to a way that is healthier with my words. 

Sex should be about being expressive, passionate, emotionally honest, it should be about pleasure.  There are tons of things that are included under that umbrella, that indicate a healthy way to look at sex that go way, way, way beyond what puritanical society tells us is acceptable.  “But I like being called a slut and a whore during sex, I like being slapped and having my hair pulled.  It turns me on.”  Women who enjoy being degraded during sex, ask yourself, why is it okay to like being degraded during sex with behaviors that you would absolutely, positively NOT be okay with outside of a sexual situation?  What about the act of sex makes being slapped and called names okay, arousing even, that you would not tolerate outside of a sexual situation?  Is it because you learned that being sexual was bad, that you need to be punished?  Is it because some dude called you a name during sex when you were younger, when you were in a highly aroused state, and your subconscious mind associated that behavior with sex?  They are hard questions.  It requires you look at yourself and your behaviors in a way that most people are unwilling to do.  It requires a level of introspection and soul-searching that will make you challenge your belief systems and maybe even admit that all the things you like aren’t completely healthy.  Most people will hit a brick wall, their brains won’t let them even process the questions because it will put them in a place of maybe, quite possibly, having to admit that they aren’t perfect. 

Men who enjoy degrading women during sex, there’s nothing under the sun I can say to you that will make you question your motives or behaviors.  You are trapped in your pathos and you won’t be moved.  Patriarchy and misogyny are so deeply ingrained in our society there’s nothing that anyone could say to make you challenge your belief systems.  But, maybe, there is a woman out there, with God’s graces, there will be a few women, who will say to themselves, “Why do I think it’s wrong for me to pleasured, pampered, and seduced?  Why do I not feel deserving of extended foreplay and tenderness that leads up to indescribable passion?  Why do I need to be called names during sex and why do I think that’s arousing?”  Perhaps there is one woman somewhere reading this who will start to question why she needs to be slapped and abused in order to feel arousal, or why being with someone’s husband feels more exhilarating, or she will start to ask herself if she’s worth more than the $100 she’s getting to have sex with someone who doesn’t value and respect her as a person.  With any luck, she will start to unravel the layers of her sexuality that have created her to be the woman she is and she will, one day, when you start calling her a slut and a whore, tell you that you cannot call her names just to boost your ego, you cannot slap her, choke her, spit on her, that she wants more than just her back blown out and she will feel deserving of asking for being pampered, catered to, and adored BEFORE she gets to the hot and sweating fucking that will make her eyes roll back in her head.  Perhaps. 

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

Our Abuse

I had a disturbing conversation with a young lady recently.  She was distraught over the fact that she caught her boyfriend of three years cheating on her with a transsexual.  Sounds like something from Jerry Springer, right?  Turns out she was depressed, quit her job, gave up her apartment, and was going to move back to her hometown to be with her family.  While it seems that her entire identity was wrapped up in this man, and she was having homicidal thoughts because he had the nerve to change his password to prevent her from snooping in his e-mail account any longer, I found out that she and her boyfriend of three years had never had sex.  Interesting, you may say?  But wait, it gets curiouser and curiouser.  Not only had she and her boyfriend of three years never had sex, he was her Dom, meaning their interaction was based on him beating and controlling her and her being “sexually” submissive to him.  Strange you say?  But wait, there's more. 

When I inquired why they had never had sex in three years of their relationship, she said it was because she had been a lesbian all her life and she didn't know how relationships with men worked.  Like any reasonably sane person would do, I sort of asked her if she thought her life and her choices were just a tad bit out of control.  She told me without a doubt that she was just fine.  It was obvious to me without even asking that she had been the victim of abuse when she was a child, so much so that her choices as an adult were extremely dysfunctional.  Without needing validation of my suspicions, I asked her if she had ever gotten any counseling for the sexual abuse she had been subjected to as a child.  She told me of being raped at 10 years old and how she had gotten counseling once or twice back then but she didn't need it any more because she was fine now, that she didn't have any problems at all.  When I made the decision that I couldn't help her and I politely ended the conversation with her, she became incensed that I was doing something to her and I somehow became the enemy and she verbally attacked me.

Black women are so used to abuse, so accustomed to it, so conditioned to swallowing our pain that we don’t even understand how damaged we are from it.  We pass down our abuse to our children and justify it because we think abuse is normal.  I had a conversation with a young lady once who told me her mother let her get raped by her uncles and her mother’s boyfriend.  Her reaction, as an adult, was to defend her mother’s actions and blame herself.  She was suffering from extreme depression and all she could do was blame herself for seducing these men when she was nothing more than a child. 

It seems inconceivable in this day and age when you can turn on the TV and see Dr. Phil and a host of other shows that discuss mental health that a grown woman would not be able to grasp the concept that being raped at 10 years old had some sort of negative effect on her life.  She doesn’t grasp the concept because we as a community can’t even face our own demons.  We rape, abuse, and molest our girl children and tell them that it is natural and normal.  We socialize our sons to use women for sex, we tell them that women are nothing more than objects to be screwed and thrown away like garbage in search of the next woman who looks better.  We validate our pain by holding on to some ridiculous Christian notion that it’s noble to suffer and that when we die we won’t have any more pain.  We sexually abuse our children and sweep it under the rug while pretending that it’s no big deal at all. 

Well, I'm not going to be quiet about it.  I'm going to keep bringing it up until we can discuss our molestation, rape, and abuse without shame.  I'm going to keep working with the abused to help them heal and I'm going to be all up in the faces of the abusers in order to stop this pain.  I'm going to fight for the man that was raped as a boy and who is so afraid of feeling powerless and emasculated again that he forms strings of empty and abusive relationships with women in an effort to suppress the pain.  I'm going to fight for the woman that thinks that she has to dress sexy every day because the only attention she gets is from men that want to fuck her when she shows off her body, a little bit of knowledge she learned at an early age from older men that tried to steal her innocence.  I'm going to fight for the spirit of the young girl that was raped at 10 years old that has no touch with reality and thinks that pain is normal.  You can stand in silence if you want but I will scream and fight and I will not let it go.