Slut Shaming

There is this very false and detrimental belief among young people that anything and everything that a woman does is empowering and that anyone who critiques, evaluates, or disagrees with women’s collective behaviors is slut shaming and imposing rigid respectability politics rules in order to control and oppress women.  This concept is damaging and unhealthy not only to the women who get offended by any sort of critique of women’s collective behaviors but to the cause of fighting for women’s liberation and for real feminism. 

First, let’s CORRECTLY define what slut-shaming is and isn’t.  Slut shaming IS the act of placing an inferior or stigmatized status on women for the normal, healthy expression of their sexuality.  Slut shaming IS denigrating women for having pre-marital sex, for seeking out and using birth control, for having an abortion, or for having multiple sex partners.    Slut-shaming is telling women that they can’t have certain kinds of sex, that they are immoral or unworthy if they aren’t virginal and chaste, it’s the male-dominated society’s double standard that tries to shame women for being sexual.  Slut-shaming IS criminalizing women for their participation in prostitution and men getting a free pass.

What slut-shaming IS NOT stating that sex work/prostitution is not empowering.  Sex work is, in fact, participating in the objectification of women, it is reinforcement of patriarchal, sexist, misogynist, violent, abusive, degrading, demeaning roles for women.  One can condemn sex work and not sex workers.  Sex workers are women who feel that they have no other viable skills, that they want to sell whatever they have that men will pay for, they are all too often victims of domestic abuse, molestation, and unhealthy home environments that lead them to sell their bodies.  Sex work has been made out to be empowering because women are getting paid and, supposedly, the financial exchange, the fact that women have agency in their own objectification, is supposed to negate the fact that they are still being used by men as cum dumps, as things, as less than human beings.  Slut-shaming is not critiquing the entire hierarchy of the sex work industry that deems that blond, educated, surgically enhanced, articulate white women are sold for more than even her Black counterpart. 

This false notion persists that sex work is glamorous, that it’s getting paid to do what you do for free any way, that it’s taking advantage of men’s weakness, their stupidity, their willingness to part with their money for something as simple as a few minutes of sex.  The reality is, sex work is degrading, it’s dehumanizing, it’s not at all empowering.  Young girls are convinced that being a porn star or a stripper or a prostitute is easy money but it never is.  There is always a man pulling the strings, setting the price, demanding more than was negotiated for, taking out his frustrations, and treating ALL women like things he can use.  COUNTLESS documentaries have been made to chronicle the stories of women who said they got into porn thinking it would be easy money and how they got strung out on drugs and were forced to do 12-16 hours of endless gangbangs, how they suffered physically and ended up in the hospital with STDs and displaced uteruses and other horrific things because some porn producer or director kept pushing them to do more and more and then they didn’t get paid or got paid less than what they contracted for.  There are far too many women who have told horrific tales of being raped and beaten by johns yet the masses still insist that prostitution is empowering.  The trafficking of children is an alarmingly dangerous byproduct of prostitution and young women don’t seem to grasp that it is a very real consequence to the normalization of prostitution.  Critiquing prostitution is NOT slut-shaming.  Critiquing prostitution is making an effort to dismantle the false belief system that tells women that their most valuable asset lies between their legs.  Critiquing prostitution is trying to destroy the sexist mindset that allows men to think women are objects and things to be used and thrown away. 

Rationalizing that sex work is empowering is the equivalent of rationalizing that cutting or bulimia is empowering.  I am not shaming the women who cut themselves or who have bulimia, they are women led to self-destructive behaviors because of low self-esteem in a society that doesn’t value them or their personhood.   The solution is not to insist that cutting or bulimia is perfectly fine as long as the person doing it considers it empowering.  Sex work is the commodification of sex, of women’s bodies, it places a value on them for what they can do for men, how they can please men.  Just because women can get a purse or expensive pair of shoes from it does not mean it’s empowering.  This concept that money is the great equalizer, that if a woman can get paid, then that makes getting used by men just fine, great in fact.  The propagation of this false narrative that sex work is great because you get to sleep with a basketball player or a rapper and get to live this glamorous life and be wined and dined, and maybe even end up the Real Housewife of one of these men drives dozens of young women to doing cam shows, and then dancing, and then selling it outright. 

The false narrative is that sex work is no big deal, that it’s easy money, that women (or male or trans prostitutes) are taking advantage of men, calling the shots, that they are in control.  You are NOT in control of a male-dominated situation where men have decided how much they want to pay to use you.  Even for the less than 1% of young ladies who find their way to the Presidential Suite during All-Star Week, you are not setting yourself up to be in a healthy relationship, not one of your johns is going to see your value as a human being, they are not going to consider you a partner with whom they need to compromise, share, negotiate, or respect, you are an object, a pretty possession that can be replaced when the next pretty object comes along.  It is not empowering to perpetuate the concept that women have price tags on their pussies.  AGAIN, that is not slut-shaming the women who sell their bodies.  I am not saying that the women who sell their bodies are bad, sinful, shameful, wrong, dirty, despicable, or any other negative or pejorative term.  It’s simply stating that the system of misogyny and sexism that manifests in the sale of women’s bodies shouldn’t be validated or normalized because it’s not healthy. 

“Well, I know lots of women who just like sex and they do it because they want to, and they weren’t abused or molested or anything.”   Most women who enter into prostitution were molested however.  They were raped, or victims of domestic violence, they were violated as young women and girls.  Most women (and men) become drug addicts, they are raped, they have horrific tales to tell of sick, twisted, perverted sexual acts they were made to perform.  Normalizing your abuse isn’t empowering either.  “Well, some women don’t have any other options, they don’t have any other skills.”  That, in and of itself, is the problem.  We shouldn’t be teaching young girls that what’s between their legs is a marketable product.  Young women refuse to hear that.  They are convinced beyond the shadow of an intelligent, logical, reasonable doubt that sex work is great. 

I get it.  Young women want to feel validation, they want to feel like they are justified in their choices because they don’t want to be made to feel embarrassed or stigmatized or shamed because that makes them feel insecure and defensive.  They rationalize that because they aren’t selling it on the street corner, because they are college-educated and they are paying off their loans, because they are only doing every once in a while to pay the rent or their car note, or because they have kids and their baby daddy doesn’t pay his child support that there is nothing wrong with it.  They don’t want to be made to feel bad about their choices.  But not all choices are healthy, even if you are a willing participant, and negative consequences result from many a bad choice. 

Because we live in a society where young people have NO concept of what a healthy relationship is, they immediately dismiss any model of a symbiotic, mutually beneficial partnering that I may suggest as an alternative because they know of no other reality other than the dysfunctional one they have been raised with.  Let’s say you hit the jackpot, your first time out you find the basketball player who just signed the $7 million contract, he doesn’t ask you for anything too weird or degrading or hurtful, and he is so mesmerized with your nana and your bedroom skills that he wants to make you his #1.  If you enter into a relationship with this man who has purchased your body, do you sincerely think that he will not cheat on you, or that he will respect your rules and boundaries?  He will not only not value you as a person or a partner, your opinion, your other talents and abilities, but he will not even blink when he is offered an opportunity to bed another woman because you are nothing more than a trophy, a thing he paid for to show off.  That is not empowering! 

Sex work is participating in the objectification of women and that is NOT empowering.  Participating in sex work is reinforcing that women are “less than”, that they shouldn’t seek sexual expression that is based on love, respect, commitment and mutual cooperation, it’s saying, “That stuff about women being respected and loved is fairy-tale bullshit that doesn’t happen in the real world, the best a woman can hope for is that she finds a rich dude who has more money than common sense.”  If fact, if I suggest that sex should be based on love, should be based on respect, should be based on a level of commitment to a relationship, I’m supposedly imposing respectability politics on the free sexual expression of women.  But that’s not what I’m saying at all.  I’m not saying that women shouldn’t be able to have casual sex.  I’m not suggesting for a moment that if a woman has sex purely for pleasure in the restroom of a club with a total stranger whose name she doesn’t know that she’s a bad person.   Our rape/porn culture has convinced young women that the only valid form of sex is degrading/humiliating/objectifying sex and that there is no other alternative other than some 1950s oppressive model of vanilla, conservative boring sex.    That will be the downfall of our society, believing that women were created to be slapped, choked, spit on, gagged, and used as a hole for men’s pleasure and that getting paid for that is empowering. 

The goal of Feminism 2.0 should not be for women to be as sexually indiscriminate as men because men are unhealthy and warped in their views of sex.  That’s not something we should be striving for and equality on those terms is conforming to sickness.  We should be evolving in our views on sex.  We should be seeking to view sex in a healthier, more holistic, more empowering way.  Instead we are reinforcing and normalizing the objectification of women, we should be looking to use sex as a tool of communication, of meditation, of connection, of YES, even of love.  I’m not trying to impose puritanical rules on sex, I’m not saying that sex should be boring and only for procreation, that isn’t healthy at all either.  Sadly, the masses can’t see any other way to view sex other than to simply reinforce the status quo, to participate in the unhealthy practices that have become the norm.   Sex should be something that is earned with trust, with communication, with vulnerability, with intimacy.  Until we grasp that, until women decide that there is no price that a man could pay for her most sacred space, that as a holy sex priestess, she will only allow men who respect, revere, and cherish her to enter her sacred walls.  Then, when a man has earned that right, fuck like animals.  Fuck the sheets off the bed, wake the neighbors, experiment with anything safe, sane, and consensual.  When you find a partner with whom you can share your secrets, your vulnerabilities, your dreams and fears, then is when you can share your nastiest fantasies and make them a reality.  THAT IS EMPOWERING. 

Dear White World,

I am a Black woman and I’m EXHAUSTED from dealing with, having to conform to, and being choked by the booted-foot of your arrogant oppression.  I regret to inform you that if you are born on this planet in this millennia and you are white, you are racist.  Period!  Racism isn’t just defined by wearing a sheet and burning a cross and saying that you hate niggers, it’s the system of fallacious beliefs that makes you believe that you have a right to have the last word, that you and people who look like you can determine what’s better for others, what’s the right religion, what’s the best form of government, and that you can conquer, control, and annex any country you want.  Feigning indignation, quoting the one half line you think you know from Martin Luther King, or telling me that I’m racist because I’m calling you out on your bullshit does not and cannot negate that fact.  I will speak my mind and say what I want, when I want, in whatever tone I choose and if it’s something that you don’t like, I invite you to kiss my entire black ass . . . all of it.  I’m not going to cower in the corner when you try to put me in my place; we are not on the plantation any longer. 

I’m more than just the ghetto, sassy, neck-rolling caricature you think a Black woman is.  Yes, I am strong, yes I am powerful, resilient, and proud but I also have fears, insecurities, and I am choked with depression from having to deal with the fallacy of white supremacy every god damn day.  I crave the sensation of being loved by a man who has broken the chains of mental slavery and who knows that his identity is not tied to getting acceptance from anyone who looks like you, someone who knows that he is more than just a big black cock to satisfy your racist sexual fantasies.   I ache seeing the collective unhealthy behaviors of my people, knowing that they are victims of a system of racism that has intentionally disadvantaged them merely because of the color of our skin. 

I’m drained by your “secret” (in plain sight) maniacal obsession with our sexuality because you see us as savages yet you cheer for our slaughter in the streets, you celebrate our deaths in public.  I’m sick and fucking tired of telling you over and over again that your desire to have sex with us does not indicate that you have been absolved of racism, it doesn’t even mean you’ve addressed it.  I despise you telling me that I’m a credit to my race because I’m intelligent and articulate.  If you hadn’t been so intent on under-educating us, we would all be intellectually superior to you.  I use to think that we were all equal, given the same opportunities, but the more I’m exposed to you, the more I clearly see your collective insanity, the more I see how your delusions of grandeur, your need to hold on to the status quo where you are considered superior, have ruined our society, our nation, our collective consciousness.  I no longer believe we are all equal. I see you as inferior.  I see in the same light as a spoiled, bratty child who has to have his way and who throws temper tantrums when they don’t get undue adulation. 

You want to know what will ease my burden?  Stop telling me that all lives matter when you know good and god damn well that you only believe that white lives do.  I don’t want to be like you so you can let that delusional notion go.  I don’t think your blond hair and your blue eyes are more attractive.  I don’t want my skin to be lighter; I don’t want my hair to blow in the wind like a shampoo commercial. I have less than no desire to alter my features to be have a pointy little nose or hideously thin lips.  I will die, I will take my own life before I worship a God that is made in your image. 

I have a big ass, I love my big ass, but that does not mean I’m going to put it on display for you to ogle and objectify me nor does it mean that my self-worth or self-esteem is determined by how tight I can wear my clothing to show it off.    And you’re mother fucking skippy that I’m better in bed than white women because I’m not burdened with having to pretend I’m asexual all the time, I’m not defined by my ability to please a man, and I’m secure in my identity as a Divine BLACK Goddess who does not want or need to compartmentalize my sexuality.  I’m FREE.  I’m not shackled by your standards, morals, or beliefs.

I will not apologize for the dysfunctional behaviors of my race because they are borne of centuries of oppression.  What’s your excuse?   Why is it that your race is more criminal, greedier, more ruthless and sadistic, more drug-addicted, more deviant and perverse than any other?  Because you’ve had too much privilege and entitlement?  Because you’ve been falsely told since you were born that all that is good in the world comes from someone who looks like you? Well, I hate to break it to you.  All that is good in the world came from someone who looked like me and that was stolen by someone who looked like you.  I know, you’ve never been told that so you don’t believe it but it’s not my job to educate you or ease your guilt. 

So, white world, it seems we are at a stalemate.  You want and need me to be a slave on the plantation, afraid of your wrath, silenced by your command, and an object for you to lust after in secret and I refuse to fit in your tiny box, I refuse to be defined by you.  I want you to see my humanity, to acknowledge my differences and respect them; I would love for you to work to divest yourself of the fallacious beliefs that have been ingrained in you.  Something has to give and I can assure you that my will, my integrity, my ability to survive is much stronger than yours.  This, I promise you. 

Other

Other

Because of my role as a writer of erotica, a great portion of it being interracial content, I’ve spoken for more than a decade about the astronomical numbers of whites who crave sexual submission to Blacks.  The numbers are astounding considering it is such a “secret” in the mainstream media.  Millions upon millions of whites are desperate for sexual domination from Blacks.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s so pervasive, so widespread, so prevalent and yet it continues to be America’s dirty little secret in plain sight for anyone who wants to see.  It’s not just one sort of white person, it’s every sort of white person.  Male and female, rich and poor, white collar, blue collar, young, old, and all driven by their core beliefs that Blacks are somehow sexual savages and that sex with us is especially degrading and nasty.  Some suggest that they have come to the understanding that Blacks are truly superior but their motivations are driven by their sexuality, they have done NO work to rid themselves of their racist beliefs.  These are the same people who voted for Trump; these are the same people who spend inordinate amounts of time trying to convince Blacks that they know more about racism than we do, these are the same people who post videos online of their trysts in seedy motels with their faces obscured for everyone to see and who revel in being Jacks and Queens of Spades, as if that is some sort of compliment.   (insert vomiting face emoji) 

And now it seems there is a new trend.  In the last few years, a growing number of Blacks are sexually aroused by being called nigger and being sexually degraded by whites.  They are turned on by being degraded, humiliated, ridiculed, and objectified while being called racist names by actual racist white people. 

I’m on a quest to find out the reasons why, the psychological origins of this growing trend among Blacks who find sexual arousal in being called nigger/coon/jungle bunny etc., and being sexually degraded by whites; Blacks who are sexually turned on by replicating master/slave scenarios.  I’ve witnessed the trend grow over the last couple of years and I’m just the sort of person who wants to understand the origins of growing trends.   My very first exposure to it was Ghetto Gaggers, where I ASSUMED the women were doing it just to get paid and they didn’t realize how detrimental it was as social commentary, I assumed they didn’t grasp that they were essentially telling white men that it was okay to abuse us because they were disenfranchised and merely looking for a way to get some money.  Perhaps I was wrong about their motivations.  Maybe they sought out this treatment because it resonated with them.  Then I started to notice that Black men were seeking out white women to degrade them for not having a foot of dick and not being the thug/Mandingo archetype that society tells Black men is all they are capable of being.  Then, about two years ago, I started to see multiple pages on Tumblr and other adult social media with sistas writing racial epithets on themselves and being used by white men.  Now, I see groups, websites, and every form of media touting this sort of behavior as empowering. 

Let me state first and foremost that I find the trend alarming, unhealthy, and dysfunctional.  Apparently, a great many people take serious offense to me suggesting that any sort of behavior, especially any sort of sexual behavior is unhealthy.  It seems that anything sexual, as long as it is agreed to by the participants, is to be considered empowering and perfectly fine, even if that means degrading and objectifying yourself.  (I wish I could find the white bitch who started this absurd concept and punch her in the throat; she has done more damage to Black Millennials with that dumb ass bullshit concept than any sheet wearing Klansman).  I get it.  No one wants to think that their behaviors are dysfunctional so we’ve created a social environment where EVERYTHING is healthy.  Unfortunately, as a student of psychology, I can assure you that isn’t true. 

OK, rewind to a few days ago when I posed a question to find out WHY Black people are embracing this trend with such, what I consider to be, alarming numbers.  I prefaced my question to Black submissives by saying that I was interested in finding out what motivated them without judgement but I guess that’s not true.  I don’t think the trend is healthy so my judgment is inherent and inexorable.  I do not think they are bad people, but I do not think that their behaviors are unhealthy.  People don’t hear that.  They only hear, “You’re a bad person,” rather than the real issue is that we ALL have unhealthy behaviors, let’s work to find out where they come from and heal them so that we can evolve and grow.  No, this society wants us to remain stagnant and unhealthy and we have support systems to tell people that anything they like it hunky dorey, even if it erodes their sense of self. 

This trend of Blacks being sexually submissive to whites is across the board among social status: poor middle class, and rich.  For the more affluent, there are actual slave plantations where Blacks go to in order to be sold on auction blocks and get treated like they were real slaves with all of the racial/sexual humiliation and degradation associated therewith.  For those Black folk who can’t afford such luxuries, they are left to take to the internet or Tinder or however one meets partners these days to find willing whites who will slap, choke, spit on, beat, degrade, humiliate and call them racial epithets while having sex.   

I had a fascinating conversation with a woman yesterday about this topic that is haunting me today.  The young lady who responded to my question was NOT a Millennial but rather an X’er, very close in age to myself.  She said that she had a “friend” who was in a relationship with a white man and that she engaged in race play with him occasionally.  It seems her friend found a sweet surrender in being degraded by her white lover and she found it to be empowering and a “release.”  When I probed further, asking about what sort of release and comfort she experienced, I was lead to understand that her friend found solace in being able to be “other.”  She didn’t want to be a strong Black woman all the time.  She didn’t want to be who she was during the day.  I can’t imagine who she thinks she is pretending to be during the day that seems so burdensome that she wants to be the nigger-fuck-toy of a white man but apparently it is quite an awesome burden for her to bear.  The young lady with whom I communicated was quite confident in asserting that her friend was perfectly normal because she and her white lover were in a relationship and didn’t engage in this sort of activity all the time and that the only people who were really dysfunctional were the Blacks who sought out racial degradation in non-sexual contexts.  Her friend, she assured me, was only doing it to momentarily become, “other.”  My question then became, “What’s the other that she is referring to?”  That is the quintessential question.  Let’s examine it further. 

I do not hide the fact that I have and may possibly continue to dominate white men exclusively.  I’m not at all sure what my role as a Domme will be going forward as I’ve found that I’m emotionally and mentally drained by the insanity of white men and I do not want to be infected with their lunacy.   I most certainly want to decrease my exposure to them, especially in the context where they see me as an object of their sexual desire.   I dominate white men because they have a tremendous amount of unearned privilege in this society, they are beneficiaries of the fallacy of white supremacy in a racist society that is built upon their adulation for being Caucasian.  For centuries, white people have lied, cheated, stolen, manipulated, used, abused, and murdered all with the belief that they are the superior race so that all they do is justified by God.  They even created God in their image: a white male in the sky, a white male on the cross, a white male who saves the day. 

As I told the young lady, whites are born into a world where they are told that God is white, Jesus is white, Superman is white, Santa is white, everyone who is supposedly good is white.  That belief, from the day they are born, creates a very FALSE sense of superiority, regardless if they swear up and down that they weren’t raised racist.  To be white and to be born in the last half millennia is to be born inherently racist.  Not genetically racist but socialized to believe that everything good comes from someone that looks like them.  The truth is, however, that whites are not superior.  In fact, one can argue that they are inherently inferior because of their innate and pathological need to control, destroy, manipulate and own every god damn thing under the sun and to hell with morality, humanity, ecology or anything else that gets in their way. 

But, I digress.  My function as a Psychological Domme is to divest white men of their fallacious sense of superiority.  As a psychological Domme, I do not engage with white men sexually, even though I use their sexual arousal as a tool to rewire them.  Even those who come to me thinking erroneously that their sexual submission indicates that they realize that they are inferior to Blacks, I school them.  I re-educate them.  I show them the truth and I rip from them their arrogant beliefs.  I present them with an ugly and realistic picture of themselves.  I make sure that after they have left me, they know that they are not superior and that they can’t live their vanilla lives with the arrogance of thinking that they are better than Blacks when they are with their friends and then sucking a Black dick through a glory hole or drinking some Black piss and that is supposed to mean that they are not racist.  I make them face a cold, harsh, reality that they are inherently deviant, immature, perverted, deceptive, and infinitely inferior.  I make them address their true “other.”

So now, it begs the question of what these Blacks are feeling when they are being called nigger by whites.  There is no fallacious sense of superiority in Blacks, we’ve been born, bred, and raised in a society that has told us from the first second we take a breath that we are inferior.  Our ancestors bled and died at the base of horrendous, horrific, sadistic treatment from whites who fallaciously believed that they were superior to our gorgeous brown bodies, our resilient spirits, to our indefatigable will to survive.  So, what “other” is it that Blacks feel that they are getting such empowerment from in subscribing to the very fallacious belief that we are inherently niggers?   What is this “other” that they feel is healed or released or soothed by being degraded by whites?  Blacks are degraded in the media.  We are degraded by society.  Black people are minimized, reduced, stereotyped, objectified and diminished day in and day out, every god damn day, without reprieve.  What’s the fucking “other” they are seeking to embrace? 

The young lady with whom I spoke suggested that her friend was normal because she didn’t engage in race play all the time.  Silly me, here I go thinking that if your white lover calls you a “dumb nigger fucking coon bitch” while his dick is hard on Saturday night, there is no way to pretend that you are in a healthy relationship when you are raking up the leaves in the backyard together on Sunday afternoon.  Those are not just some words he’s using in a sexual context and then all of a sudden he doesn’t believe them after he nuts.  Spoiler alert!  If your white lover calls you a nigger bitch, cunt, whore, spook, and/or porch monkey, he doesn’t love or respect you.  He doesn’t respect your race, your ancestors, your history, or your culture.  He believes you are inferior.  He is racist at his core and his drives, motivations, and beliefs are antithetical to the TRUE growth, survival, and empowerment of the African American community.  There is nothing healthy about that.  But God bless our little hearts.  If we can say, “It’s not that deep,” or we can dismiss the entire conversation by saying, “most people don’t put that much thought into it,” that’s the exact panacea we need to keep our heads in the sand and go on about our lives without being introspective about the source of our issues. 

I completely get how the Blacks who have grown up in all white communities, maybe even by white, racist grandparents, foster parents, or adopted parents, who were surrounded by all white racist teachers and classmates, who didn’t have any positive images of Blackness, end up being submissive to whites.  They have been isolated their entire lives, they are constantly bombarded with images of whiteness as being supreme.  I get it!  I absolutely don’t get how Blacks who have been exposed to Blackness all their lives, who’ve grown up in Black households and neighborhoods, who might not have been exposed to positive images of Blacks but at the very least they have Black grandma’s who love them, they have sat around and heard conversations of Black elders talking about some form of racism and injustice and inequality, end up wanting to be slaves to whites.  I truly grasp that parents don’t teach their children about Black history any more but there is a survival mechanism we learn just from being Black that sets us apart and we know that racism is real from a very young age.  We learn it through osmosis.  How then do these Black people find sexual arousal in being made into niggers for white’s sexual arousal?  Help me understand!

I suspect that some Blacks are the victims of childhood sexual molestation from whites who called them names and degraded them when they were pre-pubescent.  Pedophilia is RAMPANT among whites, again leading back to this sense of entitlement and superiority, they can do anything, they can do nothing wrong, that they are deserving of a greater and greater sexual thrill and anything and everything becomes their object of lust. It makes sense that if a Black child’s very first sexual exposure was initiated by a racist white person who sought to take advantage of them that their brains would be hard-wired to seek out whites to degrade them as adults.  I’m having a hard time grasping . . . I do not understand how Blacks who see racism in society, who speak up against it, who are discouraged by it, who are consumed with the rage in fighting to make our lives significant to the majority, then turn off the lights and find comfort being degraded by the very people whom they know benefit from the racist systems that dictate that Black Lives Don’t Mean Mother Fucking Shit.  Is that the source of the majority of these individuals who have this fetish?  What other factors are contributing to it?

It’s not a question I’m going to let go of any time soon.  I want to know the how’s and the why’s (I know that isn’t the correct punctuation but hows and whys just looks too wrong).  I want to work to heal this mindset.  I want EVERY person of African descent to understand, embrace, and be proud of our identity as the strongest people on the planet.  No one else could have survived the conditions we have survived.  No one else carries within them a legacy so great.  I want us to respect and love ourselves, so much so that we violently reject being degraded and called niggers by whites for love or acceptance or sexual arousal. 

For the record, healthy sexuality would be where you do not feel the need to be degraded, objectified, humiliated, demeaned, used, or abused.  Oh shit, I’ve just called out 50% of the BDSM community as unhealthy and I’m perfectly fine with that.  Just because it’s popular, just because it’s the norm does not mean it’s psychologically or emotionally healthy.  We are de-evolving as a society.  We have so many pseudo-intellectuals talking about self-care and safe spaces, the first safe space we should have is in our own skin where we love, value, accept, and respect ourselves, so much so that we know that our sexuality doesn’t have to be tied to being degraded or humiliated.  Only in a truly fractured, unhealthy society is that a radical, offensive concept.  It almost goes without saying that if one feels the need to degrade, objectify, demean, use, abuse, and otherwise humiliate one’s partner, that is a sign of low self-esteem.  So there, that makes up the other 50% of the BDSM community and identifies them as equally as unhealthy.  (I’m being facetious in my percentages.  I don’t know how many submissives there are compared to dominants but the point is that the origins of all of the behaviors are unhealthy, my own included. I am not exempt.) 

For the record, a healthy sense of self is one in which you are comfortable with your sexuality and you don’t feel like you have to be “dirty” or bad or a slut behind closed doors but one in which you are integrated and content with your sexual desires as an adult.  Healthy sexuality is one in which Black men don’t feel like they aren’t valuable if they don’t have a stallion dick but they understand that Blackness and manhood are about being given less and doing more.  If you feel like you can’t tell your friends about your desires, you can’t let your co-workers know what you’re really into, if you spend your life lying, hiding, diminishing, and publicly denying the things that arouse you in private, you are unhealthy.  

There is a healthy standard of sexuality.  It’s not being shown, taught, or comprehended but I can assure you that women are NOT meant to be used by men. There is NOTHING inherent to women, not genetically or biologically, that dictates that we are predisposed to being slapped, choked, gagged, called names, or otherwise degraded.  We have a right to be seduced, romanced, pleasured, valued, cherished and adored and not in the context of using men or dominating them but as sex as a form of communication.  Sex should be about mutual pleasure and ecstasy.  When I say that, people hear, “Sex has to be boring and vanilla,” because they have NO concept, they are completely ignorant of how sex can be great, vigorous, passionate, hot, and sweaty without it having to be about domination and/or degradation. That’s sad.   But that’s not what porn shows us, is it?  Porn shows us white/sexist/oppressive men’s perception of sex that women are things, holes to be used for their pleasure and women accept and co-sign for it and they are offended, outraged, and disgusted with me for suggesting that that is unhealthy or abnormal. 

If you have a fetish or fantasy that is extreme, or outside the norm, like I do, even if millions upon millions of people share the same fantasy, it does not mean you are healthy.  As hard as I work to divest white men of their fallacious sense of superiority, I work ten times as hard divesting myself of the beliefs that have been inflicted upon me and that make my fantasies come from a place of dysfunction.  The trend for Blacks seeking to be degraded by whites is not going to go anywhere, it’s going to grow and metastasize like a cancer.  I accept that.  But you can rest assured that I’m going to do my level best to heal the source of it.  It’s more important to me than divesting white men of their fallacious sense of superiority.  I will divest people of African descent of their fallacious sense of inferiority.    

Scottie Lowe Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved