The Bisexual Male Primer for the Black Community

The Black community never ceases to amaze me with the lengths they will go to in order to perpetuate homophobia.  Black men have to be masculine.  Not just masculine, they have to be hyper-masculine, a warped manifestation of part criminal, part abuser, part dictator in order to be considered a real man.  They have to control and command and lead the household and make all the decisions and make all the money and they have to have big dicks or the Black sexuality police will deem them gay and less than a real man.  They have to wear the right sneakers and their jeans have to be saggin’ or they will be considered girly and undeserving of the title of Black man.   Wait, their jeans can’t sag too much or that will mean that it’s some sort of secret prison sign of being gay, a homosexual beacon calling out to find those other disgusting gays.  OK, so there’s a fine line of how much your jeans can sag but you can rest assured that Black people will be able to tell you where that line is and anyone who doesn’t have the appropriate amount of heterosexual jean sag is a fag. 

The only problem is that the tightness of one’s jeans doesn’t indicate a person’s sexual preference.  The color of a man’s shirt doesn’t indicate his sexual preference.  The timber and bass of his voice doesn’t indicate his sexual preference either.  How articulate a brotha is or isn’t has nothing whatsoever to do with his sexuality.  I hate to break it to you but none of the absurd and asinine gay indicators that Black people (and Black women are the worst with your supposed gaydar so I’m calling you out specifically) use to identify gay men are valid and all they do is perpetuate a bigoted and uninformed mentality that perpetuates misogyny, sexism, and men hiding their sexual preferences, desires, and curiosities in further continuance of lying, denying, and stupidity. 

You want to know what does indicate a man’s sexual preference?  Nothing.  Not a damn thing.  Because we are so sexually immature, we don’t understand the difference between gender identity and gender roles.  But we have swallowed, hook, line, and sinker that men are supposed to be aggressive and violent and sexually promiscuous and that women are supposed to be submissive and genetically predisposed to cooking and cleaning and satisfying a man’s lusts.  There are real differences in gender but they don’t have a damn thing to do with masculinity and femininity.  They aren’t even all genetic.  And just as in nature, right is not better than left, night is not better than day, up is not better than down, male is not better than female.  And masculine is certainly not better than feminine. 

Masculinity and femininity are concepts not found in nature.  Masculinity and femininity are SOCIAL constructs, not biologic or genetic.  A female lion doesn’t say, “Oh, look at that juicy gazelle over there.  I would love to fix him for dinner tonight but I have to wait for my big, strong husband to do it because I’m too demure and girly and only males do that sort of yucky stuff.”  Elephant herds are led by the females, not the males.  Female elephants are not relegated to be inferior to the males, their contribution to the herd is not diminished because they bear the children.  Male penguins are the primary care-givers of their offspring.  They feed, shelter, protect, teach, guide and love their babies while the mothers are off frolicking in the semi-frozen surf.  But one thing you won’t see on Penguin Twitter is the entire penguin community in an outrage, demeaning the male penguins for being sissies.  But women will tell you with a quickness that they don’t want to get the oil changed in their car because only men are supposed to do those sorts of things.  They have been socialized to believe that “car stuff” is manly, as if, if you are forced to do the horrid job of taking your car to the mechanic you are going to grow hair on your chest and wear flannel.  Be believe that men have certain roles and women have certain roles and we don’t question where those rules originated or the significance of what it means to us as individuals. 

The concepts of masculinity and femininity are man-made, literally and figuratively.  It was men, very insecure and immature ancient men in fact, who deemed what role women were to have in society and what role men were to have and any deviation from those made up rules meant that that person was some sort of social leper.  It’s no accident that men decided that they were supposed control and rule over women. 

Black folk LOVE to falsely claim that homosexuality doesn’t exist in nature.  Except . . . it does.  In almost every single species known to man homosexual acts are commonplace.  What doesn’t exist in nature is homophobia.  That is a social construct as well.  Hating someone because they experience pleasure with the same gender is as illogical as hating someone just because they have a different skin color.  Homosexuality is not the going to end human population.  Loving someone, even having sex with someone for nothing more than pleasure isn’t bad or dirty or wrong.  It’s simply a different form of sexual expression from what is come to be accepted as the norm.   Your male dog isn’t going to start barking with a lisp and wearing a skinny collar if they have sex with another dog but my people, my poor, misguided, gullible people think that if a man has sex with another man, even if he is “the top”, that he is going to start singing Lady Gaga songs and going around saying, “Two snaps and a twist, gurl.” 

If I hear one more time, “I don’t want no man crying more than me,(sic) I need a real man,” I’m going to lose it.  Right, you don’t want a man to use his tear ducts because you have deemed you know more than perfect and divine Mother Nature that men aren’t supposed to use them.  If men weren’t supposed to cry, they wouldn’t have tear ducts.  No one wants a partner who is overly emotional, male or female, but crying is essential, we are human beings and we are supposed to process and release our emotions, penis notwithstanding.  The fact that men don’t cry, don’t express their emotions is the reason they are holding so much rage and frustration in and acting out in unhealthy ways.  Women are promoting it with their backwards thinking.  I’ve heard women say, “I knew he was gay because he liked his nipples stimulated and only women supposed to like that.(sic)”  That level of stupidity is astounding.  What biology class did you take that told you that men’s nipples aren’t supposed to provide them pleasure because you need to demand your money back? 

Let’s dispel some myths right now, shall we? 

1.        First and foremost, Bisexuality is an actual thing.  Yes, it’s very real.  Black people love to say that Black men can’t be bisexual, that if they have ever been with or thought about another man sexually then he is gay.  Bisexuality means that you enjoy, appreciate, and are aroused by sex with both genders.  It does not mean that you prefer both genders equally, in the same proportions and ways, but this whole concept that a Black man can only be straight or gay is really, really . . . not intelligent.  We don’t have a problem (behind closed doors) with female bisexuality but we are the original kings and queens of double standards when it comes to men being bisexual. 

2.        I know this is going to offend many a person but it has to be said.  EVERY male, every single solitary one, has the potential to experience pleasure when anally stimulated.  The nerve endings in the anus are the exact same as in the female and women have the potential to experience explosive pleasure, even orgasms when stimulated anally and women don’t have a prostate.  Men have a prostate, a gland located within the anus, that when stimulated not only provides pleasure, but it is healthy for them.  It’s not just some men, it’s not just gay men.  EVERY male has the potential to experience pleasure when stimulated anally.  Nature, biology itself, has set the stage for men to experience sexual pleasure when stimulated anally so let’s stop relegating it to only something only gay men like and let’s collectively mature to the point of understanding that a man experiencing sexual arousal and/or pleasure when he is anally stimulated has anything whatsoever to do with his sexual orientation. 

3.       The color, tightness, style, or cost of a man’s clothing does not indicate his sexual preferences.  It does indicate his style and his willingness to either conform or rebel against who and what society tells him he has to be.  It’s clothing, not a genetic marker.   Wearing a skirt does not make a man gay.  It does not make him feminine.  What men and women wear is nothing more than an evolution of Victorian and puritanical belief systems that have dictated that women were bras, makeup, heels, pantyhose, and dresses while men wear pants.  Indigenous men all over the planet, for millennia, have worn skirts and the population didn’t cease to exist because they were all in the closet gays.  Recognize your own level of brainwashing within the matrix and understand that clothing is nothing more than a socially-acceptable way to cover our naked bodies that we have been taught to be ashamed of. 

4.       Ladies, the more you make up these ridiculous rules about what makes a man masculine, about who is and isn’t gay, about what makes a man a “real nigga” you are going to force men to lie about their sexuality.  It’s no wonder so many men are in such denial about their real sexuality because Black women are quick to demonize anyone who isn’t a thug as less than a man.  And ladies, if you are continually measuring masculinity by how tight a man’s jeans are you are surely going to bed down with a man who is hiding his sexuality because you’ve already let him know that you won’t respect him if he admits to having same sex desires. 

5.       Black men are NOT responsible for the spread of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.  Black women want to demonize bisexual men, point the finger of sanctimonious indignation at bisexual brothas for being down low and for spreading the disease.  Check it out, sista.  If you spread your legs and don’t care to get your partners tested first, you are a hypocrite and you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror because your HIV status is your responsibility, no one else’s.   

6.       The only way to truly ascertain a man’s sexuality is to be non-judgmental, open, honest, mature, and to effectively communicate.  The vast majority of young boys experiment with other young boys when they are young.  That does not make them gay or bisexual.  Lots of boys are molested by older males when they are young and many experience that molestation as pleasurable physical sensations.  That does not mean that they are gay or bisexual.  The problem lies in ridiculing, shaming, and shaming men when they tell the secrets of their past that haunt them.  We have to redefine what we want in a man and what it means to be a man.  If you want a man who is hard, aggressive, who is masculine, be prepared to accept him when he is abusive, distant, and emotionally immature and unavailable.    Just as a bisexual woman’s identity doesn’t change or become less desirable as they explore their sexuality with another woman, a bisexual man’s identity doesn’t make him an untouchable and disgusting.  Manhood should be defined by honesty, integrity, emotional maturity, and commitment, not some biblical edict that says that men are supposed to be aggressive and violent and women are supposed to be demure and submissive and can only be between men and women to be viable. 

There was a time in the past when I belonged to the “Black gay/bisexual men are yucky,” club.  As I evolved, I realized that sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with who and what a person is.  I realized that I was wrong for my position.  There was also a time when I was asked if I thought everyone had the potential to be bisexual.  I rejected that argument summarily because I believed, or more accurately, I had been socialized to believe that heterosexuality was the norm against which all other sexuality should be judged and that bisexuality and homosexuality were abnormalities.  Today, I am of the mindset that bisexuality should be the normal, natural state for all human beings and that it is only our socialization, our conformity to repressive rules, rules that dictate that an individual should be repulsed by the very same sexual organs they have between their legs when viewed on another person. 

I now believe that bisexuality represents true enlightenment.  The ability to see the value and worth of a person, their essence as a human, the ability to acknowledge chemistry, both physical and spiritual, in another person regardless of their genitalia, in my opinion, is how we are supposed to be as humans.  I reject the idea that a person’s gender should dictate whom they love or with whom they seek pleasure.  I reject that men should screw any woman they can because it’s in their nature.  I reject that casual sex is no big deal and I believe that the energy exchanged when we have sex with another human being should be based on true connection and chemistry, not just recreation and certainly not manipulation.  We should be attracted to a person’s heart, their energy, their talents, their spirit, and their sensuality, not solely the bits between their legs.  That, to me, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. 

I do not think that all bisexuals are enlightened.  Not even close.  I think that our collective sexuality is so backwards, so distorted, so unhealthy that I believe that most bisexual people are in denial, they hate the part of themselves that is seeking pleasure with someone of their own gender and thus they are far from enlightened or evolved.  One thing I know for sure is that bisexuality is far more common than anyone wants to acknowledge.  It pains me to think of how many Black sons have been degraded and humiliated for their sexual experimentation by fathers who have engaged in all sorts of same-sex proclivities themselves all because the Black community wants to make manhood about being hyper masculine, one-dimensional, stereotypes of what manhood is supposed to be. 

Scottie Lowe