AfroerotiK

Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK. Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality. No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away. No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens. And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive. Scottie is putting everything on the table to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas. She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sensual evolution

When I was a child, I thought as a child, when I became a woman . . . the theory is supposed to be that my thoughts and perceptions shifted to that of an adult. I’m convinced that one’s orientation doesn’t shift, one’s primary programming doesn’t evolve, one just becomes older and more adept at justifying and validating the belief systems passed down to him or her generationally.

In an effort to define my sensual evolution, I’ve taken some serious time to assess where I was and where I am now and where I want to go in terms of my sexuality. I’m reluctant to use the term evolution because I’m not convinced that my shift in sexual desires has moved to a higher plane. Perhaps it has just shifted around like a box of tissues in the back window of a car on a bumpy ride.

When I was a developing teen with raging hormones and no one to help me navigate my sexual feelings other than my other pubescent friends, my sexuality was defined by my mother’s collection of pornography in her closet. I was thrilled with words more than pictures and obviously, given my career choice, a fact has carried over into my adult life. I learned about sexuality from overtly misogynist and sexist material that objectified women. Thusly, my sexual desires reflected that fact. I wanted to be seen as desirable and subsequently my fantasies were in relation to that. My earliest fantasies were of doing the things that would make men want me, to see me as the most beautiful, to be the most pleasing to men. I worked hard to perfect my skills at giving head; I would construct intricate and complex scenarios to seduce my boyfriends, all my fantasies revolved around giving pleasure to men. Rarely, if ever, did I fantasize about men giving me pleasure. Two rapes, a failed marriage, a decade of being single, and the conscious effort to become more comfortable with my sexuality have caused my fantasies to shift. I no longer have a desire to be seen as beautiful or desirable to men, in fact, my desires are just the opposite. I want to be seen as a human being and a woman and the person inside the package.

For many years now, I’ve been asexual. I’ve put up a wall around my sexuality intended to keep people out. For me, the concept of planning a seduction and performing outrageous feats of sexuality to please a man are totally foreign to me. My sexual fantasies now mostly revolve around me being seduced and pleasured. In my 43 years of life, I’ve only been seduced once. I’ve had plenty of men want to give me pleasure but that really had nothing to do with pleasing me as a human being, it had more to do with conquering me as some sort of trophy or possession. I do fantasize of once again planning intricate and detailed seductions for my mate but the concept of finding a mate that appreciates all of me are the details I can’t seem to fill in in my imagination.

I used to fantasize about being with women; it’s been years since I’ve had those sorts of thoughts. I used to fantasize about sucking dick; now I chant “Eat me” in my fantasies. In fact, for the first decade of my sexual life, I never asked a man to perform oral sex on me because I thought that was an indication of being selfish. I would REFUSE to sit on a man’s face, even if he insisted that I do it. In my mind, it was indicative of something exclusively for me I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy it. (I still don’t like doing it but that’s mostly because men tend to suck too hard on my clit when I’m on top and I like it SOFT) I still fake orgasms, almost pathologically, because I can’t let go of my conditioning that says that I have to make the man happy. Today, a large percentage of my fantasies unashamedly revolve around reciprocal anal play. Five years ago, the concept of two men together sexually triggered what I call the “knee-jerk talk show reaction.” That’s the standard, “That’s disgusting,” indignation that 99% of people have in the audiences of Jerry and Maury when the concept of male bisexuality is discussed that is blatantly absent when the issue is two women together. I realize now that my beliefs were part of conservative, Protestant-ethic, brainwashing that has no basis in really dissecting the causes, issues, and genesis of same sex couplings. Today, I find myself aroused by the concept of two men together and I also am aroused by the act of intimacy that a man extends to me in sharing his bisexual desires. Rarely do I fantasize about being penetrated and when I do, my fantasies are romantic more than sexual. In recent years, I was aroused by dominating men. Now, I no longer have a need to be sexually dominant I just accept that as a part of my sexuality. I don’t have a need to assert power over men, or to psychologically manipulate them, I simply long to be treated as a queen.

My ideal sexual fantasy at this stage in my life is to have a mate, lover, partner, boyfriend/husband that is committed to pampering me each night. I dream of a man that draws my bath every evening and pampers my body with oils and lotions and shea butter. Completely relaxed, he then takes painstaking efforts to bring me to orgasm based on the things that arouse me specifically, i.e. licking my asshole, fingering my magic spot, sucking my nipples gently, and eating me SOFTLY. Then and only then, when I’m completely satisfied, do I fantasize that I’m so wickedly pleasured that I have to have him inside me and we make love in a passionate and intense erotic experience. Upon awaking, he’s there behind me, to give me the morning wood that I love so much. I do fantasize that I take great efforts to keep him aroused and plan intricate seductions but it’s difficult to get a good picture of how I do that for the simple fact that I can’t see a man in my life.

I’ve tried to map out a roadmap of where I want to go in my sexual life from here but a lot of that is dependent upon finding a mate. Right now, I tend to think that I’m going to be primarily celibate for the rest of my life and that I’ll supplement my sex life with meaningless episodes once a year or so. That saddens me more than one can imagine but I’m extremely pessimistic about finding a mate. I would like to see myself evolving sensually with my mate, practicing tantric techniques and growing in love and communication. Where I go, how my fantasies will evolve is yet to be seen but I will be sure to monitor my motivations and desires in an effort to track my sensual evolution.

Have you assessed your sensual evolution? Have you asked yourself what things went into making up your sexual personality and how have you grown or changed? How are your desires different now than in years past and are they more healthy or have you just continued on without thinking about your sexual motivations? Share your thoughts and opinions.

4 comments:

maggot said...

very interesting post scottie you have had some painful experiences,my sexual evolution has had none of the violence towards me, one of my earliest sexual experience was witha same sex friend of mine we new it was "wrong" but enjoyed locking ourselvesinthe bedroom then stripping naked, one of us would lie onthe table and the other would give a body massage with talcum powder and stimulate the cock to erection . I new inthese early years 5,6,7 that i was different used to be walked to and from school by some older girls who lived nearby by ther job was to look after me they would regularly strip me tied me to trees naked push me in puddles and piss on me ,i never told anyone, i also at one point during myprimary school eduaction the headteacher called an assemblyand said a boy has been weeing on the floor of the toilets and had better stop,she said allthe boys would be punished with a weeks detention if the culprit didn't own up ( i had done it but i owned up ) i was subjected to public humiliation when the teacher stripped me and made me wear a nappy ( age 6 )things went quiet but i never had a girlfriend througout primary or secondary school . One gothic girl i had a crush on aggreed to a date but stood me up by leaving me standing in the rain. University was the first time i came close to normal relationships , thought predictable the first girlfriend that tookn be to her bed was completelt disatisifed with my inability to erect , things were slightly more successful with my second girlfriend as she enjoyed my inexperience but i had only been going out with her publicly for about a month when she publicly dumped me and announced she was a lesbian. my confidence was shattered and once againwent through a baren spell apart from one indian girl everything was going swimingly she even used the coital alignment technique and we had some amazing session of love making until her "ex" found out he wasted no time incoming round and beating me up and told me to stay well clear of is girl
i decided to take up kung fu for self defence and to gain confidence the result was i gained the courage to start visiting professional dominatrixes and soon i was visiting black dominatrixes eclusively , i have never look , i now know my place

AfroerotiK said...

maggot, perhaps you can explain to me in a way that makes sense to me why you subs seem to have such split personalities. One minute you love me, then you go out of your way to denigrate me, then, magically, you love me again. Why are you all so psychotic?

Vampmaster said...

I guess evolution is a way of the human psique to say we are growing, and our interest are not the same.

I guess that the lucky man that gets to conquer you will need to understand that first they need to conquer your mind, and your heart and body will follow.

That being said i would like to say that man are like children sometimes, they all want the best apple, but they are not willing to go the extra mile to get it.

They settle for the apples that falls from the tree, or the ones in the lower branches, while the tastier is the one yet to be discovered, but only for that special bold enough, that is willing to risk it all, and give it all, in order to get it all.

I'm sorry to hear you are no longer intersted in BDSM I came here cause i read your erotica, and it just touched me not just in a sexual way, but also in a way that is far much harder to get me, and that is intellectually.

Cynthia said...

I think I learned about sex from sneaking Playboy when I was a little girl and reading my mothers Jackie Collins novels. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where sex was just a really fucked up thing to deal with and just UGH...I can't even go into it.

I knew from the onset of puberty that I was different though and that I was into girls - even though being I was quite sheltered - I didn't know what being gay was.

I think I have issues with control and I tend to fake a lot of intimacy and even if it feels good, I'll only allow it to go so far before I have to either top the person or just lay motionless until it's over.

I prefer fucking over making love NOT because I've never done it (because I have) but it scares me when it comes to people that I care for (and I've only slept with two people that I cared for) and no, that's not all my sex partners.

I like aggression, I like to be thrown down and held and made to be submissive because I can't ever allow myself to be weak. I'm learning but it's still quite difficult. I think it's more of a mental thing for me, I'm not attracted to a lot of people...not enough to have sex with them, anyway.

I'm not sure if I'll ever meet the right person (guy or girl) because I'm not vanilla and I don't know...I just like to try different things and to be honest, a lot of people are quite prudish when it comes to sex still.

I have hope, though. I expect this to be a rather dry spell for me, though.