Goddamnit, I want to have sex! It’s Spring and I am in heat. It’s not even so much that I’m horny. To me, being horny is when you are distracted by the physical sensation of wanting to have sex. That’s not at all what I feel. I want to have sex with my entire mind, body, and soul. I want to experience intimacy. I want the release of an INTENSE orgasm and kissing and foreplay and all the stuff that goes along with sex that I’m sure I’ve forgotten all about. I want to experience some new and improved sex where I re-learn everything I’ve every been taught and move to a level transcendent love-making. I’m so desperate to be penetrated that I’ve lowered my standards and I’m willing to have sex with the next half way decent guy that wants me. All I’m looking for is a summer lover who can be monogamous, who is the tiniest bit introspective, and who is willing to take a chance on being with me. He can be the poster child for Heterosexual Digest, a delegate for the Republican National Committee, he can be a deacon in the church, and he can even . . . be white. You know what? I can’t even find a man who meets my lowered standards.
Everybody gets in my ass that my standards are too high, that I’m too negative, that there are LOTS of great men out there and that I’m somehow at fault for not attracting them. It is my contention, and has been for some time now, that the standards that the Black community sets for good Black men is soooooooooo incredibly low, that any brotha with a job, a car, and who lives on his own is considered a good man. Hell, I know more than a few Black men who don’t have two of the three and they are still considered good Black men because they are reasonably attractive and have a college education.
If there are so many good Black men out there, where the hell are they? Where are the men who are introspective? Where are the men who aren’t passive aggressive? Where are the men with integrity and honor and who can tell the truth even when they know that they are going to suffer negative consequences? Where are the men who are able to commit to monogamous relationships? Where are the men who aren’t intimidated by a strong, independent woman? Where are the men who are willing to show their fears and insecurities and don’t see their manhood in inches? Where are the brothas who won’t run at the first sign of trouble in a relationship and who know how to communicate their feelings in a way that doesn’t project their insecurities? Show me the Black men who don’t put their feelings first and who don’t see sex as recreation and view their penis as something that gives them some sort of undeserved right to control and dominate women? Every Black man that I’ve met who even comes close is either married or gay. I contend it is exponentially easier for a brotha to find a good black woman, meaning one who brings the exact same things to the table that he does, than it is for a sista to find her equal if she worked on her issues.
I KNOW, I KNOW, every Black man reading this is going to scream that he’s a good Black man. Unfortunately, the problem with that is this . . . Black mothers don’t teach their sons to have integrity, to be introspective, to form relationships with women that aren’t based on getting their needs met first. Black society doesn’t teach Black men to work out there problems, to deal with their issues and hurts, it doesn’t reinforce to brothas that truth is better than lying. So, while every brotha THINKS they are God’s gift to women because they meet the Black communities low standards, they’ve never once thought about what it means to really be introspective. I bet five bucks most Black men can’t even define the word introspective correctly, let alone have they done the emotional healing needed to be introspective. You can’t put something into practice if you’ve never been shown how.
I KNOW, I KNOW, every Black woman reading this is going to scream that I’m being too harsh, that there are plenty good Black men, that all I have to do is wait, and pray, and work on myself, and put positive vibes out into the universe and stand on my head in the full moon in a month with R in it. It’s always my fault why I haven’t found a partner. Black men are never to blame, making sure the standards for Black men remain soooooo low that anyone who doesn’t have a criminal record is considered a good man. Don’t worry, we can always make concessions for those who do have criminal records so they don’t feel ostracized and they can be included in the good Black man category as well.
Where are the Black women who are frustrated, sick, and tired of being alone that can say that Black men aren’t being pushed to be better human beings and partners? Where are the Black men who can concede that they have no fucking clue how to heal their emotional scars? Yeah, I’m sure there are a few select men who meet my standards of good Black men somewhere on the planet but they are few and fucking far between.
Copyright 2009 Scottie Lowe
6 comments:
I beg your pardon, I am the black man you are looking for, but you are so busy going on the defensive about who you are and what you expect from a man that you don't take men like me at face value. For years I have watched and listened to women like you go on about how the brothas don't measure up to your idealized standards, but you never once stop to notice that the dimwitted brothas you like to criticize for his alleged or real shortcomings simply takes you as you are. When we find a woman that we like, we do not arm ourselves with some preconceived notions about "introspection" and the like.
Neither do we go on talk shows and put down women, like so many of you "better than thou" people of the opposite sex. And, for God's sake, we never, ever sit with a group of other men and compare penis sizes, as so many women claim that we do! We don't want to control women with our penises; we simply want you to shut up for a moment and enjoy and live in a moment of intimacy with us, to experience what I consider is the most valuable gift I can give any human being -- my undivided attention.
But so many women, in their haste to be clinical know-it-alls, squander those rare moments of intimacy.
So spare me the hearts and flowers of your victimhood and listen to the next guy who is trying to get your attention. You might learn something.
No sir, you are not even close to what I'm looking for. You are the definition of passive aggressive.
What the fuck does that mean, "passive aggressive"? You have just proven my point: You are so wrapped up in your invented preconceptions that you don't even take the time to find out who I am and what I am all about. Maybe you don't want to know anything about me or any other man, and that's all right. What is bothersome, to me, as well as other "passive aggressive" men is your disingenuousness, your dishonesty.
You sir, are the DEFINITION of passive aggressive.
*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.
*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.
*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.
*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.
*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.
*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.
*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.
*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.
*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.
I came across this:
Why Are Sexual Fantasies Dangerous
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA3IGE6eL_s&NR=1
after reading
this post. I would like your thoughs
about it.
Thank You
Hello Scottie, long time no see. After much INTROSPECTION, I have realized that introspection is almost of zero value. We are the products of genetics and experiences from early in life. Our patterns are molded by both, to the point that most people cannot change, after the age of 18.Self Improvement is generally a fallacy, most smokers who stop end up smoking again, most obese people who lost a lot of weight end up saturnine again, regardless of the strategy for change. Liars will almost always start lying again, because these patterns are burned into the consciousness of a person.
The only way that people change thru introspection is if they have suffered enormous pain or tribulations. And unfortunately, those changes are seldom positive. I have news for you, your Knight in Shining armour, should you ever find him, is that way already, and has been well-adjusted and "circumspect" since puberty. Generally, people cannot change in a positive manner.
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