It’s official; I’ve finally given up all my dreams, hopes, and aspirations of ever finding love. More than that, I’ve given up all hope of finding even companionship. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be alone forever. I can put to rest my dreams of finding my perfect mate. I can mourn my dreams of “happily ever after” because they are an impossible state of being for me, I’m unworthy of being loved in this lifetime.
Don’t feel sorry for me; it’s liberating. For years, I’ve been holding on the to hope that I can find someone for me, someone with whom I can share my life, who compliments me, who meets my criteria emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, and sexually. Now, I can relax and not have to feel frustrated and anxious about trying to meet someone, impress them, trying to get them to like me, only to have them reject me. Now that I’ve come to accept that my life will be lived in solitude, I can just not give a fuck anymore, literally and figuratively.
Gone are the days when I jump through hoops, giving brothas the benefit of the doubt because they are emotionally stunted. Goodbye forever to those days of trying to make the best of a situation that is flawed from the start just so I can have companionship. Never again will I have to suffer through the pain of white men trying to convince me that we can have some sort of unequal and warped relationship based on their attraction to me and my repulsion of them. And thank God in Heaven I will never again have to look myself in the mirror and ask myself why aren’t I lovable.
For all the scores of people who think they can comfort me with empty clichés of, “Now that you aren’t looking, you’ll find him,” I say to you . . . KISS MY ASS. I’ve been alone for 17 years. I’ve worked on myself, I’ve looked, I’ve not looked, I’ve prayed, I’ve done everything a human being can do. I’m not meant to be in a relationship. It’s my lot in life. Accepting that has been the healthiest thing I can do. At least now, I don’t have to hold on to the pain of thinking that there is someone out there who will love me. Now I know that there isn’t and I can move on with my life. There’s not much of a life without having someone by your side, but apparently, this is my sentence for a crime I don’t even know I committed.
Don’t feel sorry for me; it’s liberating. For years, I’ve been holding on the to hope that I can find someone for me, someone with whom I can share my life, who compliments me, who meets my criteria emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, and sexually. Now, I can relax and not have to feel frustrated and anxious about trying to meet someone, impress them, trying to get them to like me, only to have them reject me. Now that I’ve come to accept that my life will be lived in solitude, I can just not give a fuck anymore, literally and figuratively.
Gone are the days when I jump through hoops, giving brothas the benefit of the doubt because they are emotionally stunted. Goodbye forever to those days of trying to make the best of a situation that is flawed from the start just so I can have companionship. Never again will I have to suffer through the pain of white men trying to convince me that we can have some sort of unequal and warped relationship based on their attraction to me and my repulsion of them. And thank God in Heaven I will never again have to look myself in the mirror and ask myself why aren’t I lovable.
For all the scores of people who think they can comfort me with empty clichés of, “Now that you aren’t looking, you’ll find him,” I say to you . . . KISS MY ASS. I’ve been alone for 17 years. I’ve worked on myself, I’ve looked, I’ve not looked, I’ve prayed, I’ve done everything a human being can do. I’m not meant to be in a relationship. It’s my lot in life. Accepting that has been the healthiest thing I can do. At least now, I don’t have to hold on to the pain of thinking that there is someone out there who will love me. Now I know that there isn’t and I can move on with my life. There’s not much of a life without having someone by your side, but apparently, this is my sentence for a crime I don’t even know I committed.
9 comments:
With this knowledge, will you continue writing erotica?
Having been where you are (and still am to an extent), all I'll do is wish you the best.
Actually, the next step is giving up AfroerotiK. I've been at this for five years and I have less now than I did when I started. I haven't made any money, I don't have a book deal, my yahoo group was shut down, my website was hacked and destroyed. The web designer who I hired to rebuild my site took my money and didn't do anything. AfroerotiK is dead. The only thing for me to do now is bury it.
I am sorry that I only recently found your writings. This is my first time reading material like yours and it is interesting and different. You say things that so many other people will not and people need that. I read your criteria for a potential partner and I was always amazed at how specific you are. Most people don't know what they want on that level. I don't know if you will ever find that or not but I hope you do if it is what you still want. All the best.
I could have written almost these exact words because it parallels my own life to a "T". The only place where I differ is your last sentence, "There's not much of a life without someone by your side..."
I disagree. I think there is a wonderful life ahead and the realization that you won't spend inordinate amounts of time looking for "Mr. Right" frees you to do even more things that solely please you. That may sound selfish, but so be it. If you are going to go through life alone, you might as well be your own best lover.
That's what I plan to do.
I find the only people who WANT to be alone are self centered. I'm not choosing to give up because I think there's valor in traveling alone, it's because my heart can't take it anymore.
I agree with Bernie. I don't think that wanting to be alone is self-centered. It can often be self-healing, and sometimes wanting to be alone allows one to give more of him/herself. Just my humble opinion.
If/When you give up Afroerotik, what's next?
There are lots of people that goes through what you go through. Don't let that stop you from living a good life. There are are lots of single men on Tagged.com.....hey I am just trying to help
Hello Ms Lowe, I am one who stumble across your path about 5 years ago as I was captivated by your eloquence and style of erotic writing and I still am as mich as ever...I would like to offer my friendship in helping brainstorm how to continue enjoying what you do with a fundimental change and that is making money along the way...you are clearly gifted and beyond words in your creativity and talents...I hope this message finds you and if interested I would love to meet you for a drink, coffee or something and talk...I live in Florida but love Atlanta and will make a special trip if you feel like talking and finf me of interest...
Take care,
Kurt
Thank you for the offer Kurt but I'm going to politely and respectfully decline. I'm no longer in ATL>
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