When We Die

 What happens after we die?  In the movies, when a soul leaves its body it becomes a non-physical form of that body, the soul is always depicted as the exact same version of the living person's body, only it's invisible.  In the recounting of near-death experiences, almost everyone recounts the exact same tale: their physical body dies, their soul floats around the room, looking down on the body it just left.  We envision our soul as a projection of our physical bodies that is going to be judged for our sins.  

Imagine for a moment, that death is something different.  

Imagine that when we die, our soul does, in fact, leave our physical body, but rather than having a human form we become a, let's say . . . a particle of light.  No, let's say a wave of light.  To say the word particle, you associate it with something physical, like a grain of sand, something very small but something that has a shape, that is made of something, something that can be weighed, no matter how infinitesimally small it may be.  A wave of light has no physical form yet it is energized; it is light.  It is not, however, a light bulb, glowing and bright and illuminating.  It is light that contains all colors on the visible and non-visible spectrum, it is black light.  We are indistinguishable from any other wave of light, we ARE the light and the light is . . . all there is.  

Imagine that when we die, we leave our body and we become all consciousness, all-knowing, all energy, and all love. 

Imagine that when we die, we no longer have a body, we have no arms, no legs, no organs, not even skin color.  We have no physical form whatsoever. We don't have genitals, we are neither male or female, we are . . . a wave of light. 

Try to imagine if you can, that we don't even have eyes.  We can see but it's not through our eyes, instead, we can SEE . . . because we ARE sight.  We are vision.  We become sight itself. That may sound absurd to you, impossible to comprehend, but there is a very small part of you that understands completely because . . . at your core . . . you are a wave of light having a human experience.  

When we die, we no longer hear, we become sound.  We become language.  We become music.  We become the notes and the instruments.  Our consciousness expands and we understand that we are the vibrations and the frequency of . . . everything.  Imagine that when we die, we become ALL sound, we are the essence of sound.  Sound, light, and color is our identity.  

When we die, we become pleasure.  When we die, we become ecstasy, we become pure bliss.  There is no shame, no guilt, no fear in our non-physical form, in our Black light bodies.  We become sensual, erotic, passionate beings of divine light.  Religion and society has us convinced that sex is bad, sinful, and wrong.  We are consumed with shame and guilt because we think our sexuality is abnormal and we FEAR judgment from others.  Imagine that when we die, we understand that we are the ultimate orgasm, that we are INFINITE pleasure.  

Imagine that when we die, we don't have any shape or form, we just . . . are.  We exist as able to go anywhere, any time in the past, present, or future, any location, with just a thought.  Imagine if you can, that we communicate with thought, we don't need cell phones and planes because any person we are limitless, without and boundaries.

Close your eyes for a moment, imagine the moment of your death where you don't experience pain or fear, you only feel overwhelming LOVE.  Love is your identity.  We can see our bodies, we can see our lives, we can see our choices and we know, we understand that all of our choices were perfect for us, that all our mistakes were perfect for our soul to experience life.  We chose our body, our race, gender, our station in life all before we are born, to experience joy, pain, suffering, pleasure, growth, stagnation, love and hate.  Once we leave our bodies, when our soul's silver cord is cut, we become LOVE. 

Pure love.  

Then, our consciousness, our soul continues to expand, in all directions, until we can see everything, everything in every direction.  We can feel a connection to every living thing.  But not just living things, we feel a connection to ALL that is.  Everything is vibrating and a frequency and we become that frequency.  Can you imagine yourself, outside of your body, existing as a wave of light, and knowing that you are indistinguishable from animal, mineral, or gas.  You are the trees, the ocean, you are the bugs that crawl and the birds that fly. 

Imagine that when we die, we can communicate with our loved ones with our thoughts.  Look at them and know that we can not only hear what they are thinking, we understand on a cellular level that we ARE their thoughts.  It's from this place that you can understand that you are your loved one.  Your infinite, loving soul is their infinite, loving soul in a different body but your soul is the one, your soul, their soul is the source of all, housed in a human body that has forgotten it's truth, it's real identity.  

Now, imagine if you will, that we can see our enemies, our haters, the people who caused us the most pain in our lives, the people we hate, despise, the people we've spent hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades hating, being angry at, the person you feel victimized you.  

See them, with your entire being.  See them, not with your eyes, but with your sight, your soul, your Black light.  

Understand this basic truth.  While in human form, EVERYONE BELIVEVES that whatever they think and feel is . . . right. You don't say, "I know those (fill in the blank with a race, class, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or political party) are right and I know I'm wrong about my opinion but I'm going to stick by my wrong opinion for the hell of it." You believe with all your heart, with every fiber in your being that your opinions, perspectives, passions, and convictions are the correct perspective.  You believe you are on the right side of the equation.  

The funny thing about equations is that both sides are equal.  Always.

Now, take a deep breath and understand this.  

We BELIEVE, while we are alive, that the way we see the world is the right way to see it, that our opinions about race, justice, politics, sex, religion, all our beliefs come to us based on our story, our experience, our personality.  How we have come to see the world not our conscious choosing. We were born into a family, a community, a country, whatever group we identity with, that taught us our values, that shaped our perspective based on our environment, our experience on the Earth plane.  We all believe that anyone who doesn't agree with us is wrong.  That belief is Universal.  We see ourselves as separate, different, individual and unique but we see ourselves and our understanding as . . . right.   

In AmeriKKKa, this is easily demonstrated by political beliefs.  Every person, in every corner of the country, the Republican and the Democrat, both see themselves as right, both think that anyone who disagrees with them is crazy.  Every person believes themselves to be the arbiter of truth.  

We are waves of Dark Energy: all-encompassing, omniscient and omnipotent, wearing a human costume, designed to forget who we really, to forget we are all consciousness, connected to all, we are all thought and the thinker.  Your soul, your spark came to this place and time to experience this 3-D realm of love and fear, separation and connection, shame and pride, guilt and joy, and all the emotions that humans are capable of having. 

If you can understand, if you can accept that the person who disagrees with you, based on their experiences, their story, their gender, race, religion, income, sexual orientation, size, attractiveness (or lack thereof) BELIEVES that their perspective is right, then you can see them with compassion and empathy while you are still alive.  If you can look at the person you find offensive and wrong through the all-seeing eyes of your soul, you will have reached enlightenment because you will understand that you, the spirit that moves you and animates  you is God, and that you are in every single thing, physical and non physical.  

At a soul level, the racist and the person of color are no different.  They both were born to families that indoctrinated them with beliefs about the world, about God, about men and women, about politics, etc.  The racist and the person of color were both born in a society that reinforced that white people are superior and that Back people are inherently inferior.  The both experienced two sides of the same coin, they were both told by society that they had a role that came with the skin color they were born with.  They both learned to navigate a world based on the belief that God was a white man in the sky who judges you if you have freaky sex.  

God is your knowledge, your voice, your creativity, your peace, your nurturing and loving self.  God is the voice in your head that loves, protects, and guides you.  You are the source.  You are the creator.  You are the thinker.  "You're a driver, not a passenger in life." (Lyrics to a song by the Brand New Heavies. ).  

If can you understand that profound truth, if you can embrace that understanding, if you can accept that truth into your mind and heart, you will have found peace on Earth.  

We are all here to experience otherness.  We are all here to experience separateness, to forget that we are ONE, the one, the source of all.  We are all here in these 3D models, to believe that our religion is the right religion.  We are all here to believe that our political party is the righteous one and that we are better than the people who don't think like us and believe in what we believe in.  When you transcend that mindset, you win the game of life.  

The Game is Rigged

 (Or why ALL white people are RACIST)

I asked the question to anti-racists recently, "What have you done in the past that was racist?" Tons of white people responded. Most of the answers I got were, "I viewed Black people negatively, I believed XYZ about Black people." (Fill in the blank with a stereotypical depiction of Black people.)

Everyone who responded listed racist thoughts and beliefs they had that were straight from the anti-racist laundry list of white offenses and microaggressions. Very few white people identified actual behaviors or actions that were racist and the ones that did responded with benign, innocent, casual instances of racism. Even fewer identified any behaviors that were hurtful or examples of overt racism.

All the respondents (with the exception of one or two) were all quite adamant that racism wasn't as bad as I said it was because they couldn't think of anything they had done in the past that was offensive, hurtful, or malignant. They were quite content to admit that they had white privilege and they felt shame for being racist in the past, but they were equally as assured that their racism was of the lite variety and that they were innocent of anything that would be considered offensively racist.

Most of the respondents arrogantly asserted that racism was only in certain parts of the country, that I was exaggerating, that they knew more about racism than me, and that I was seeing racism where there wasn't any.

That speaks to just exactly how immature, uniformed, and deluded white people are about race, racism, the impact and scope of racism, their participation in it, and how pervasive it is.

Conversely, I asked Black people to describe the racism they face constantly, so that we could shed light on the behaviors of white people that are offensive and racist and pervasive. Not one Black person offered even an attempt to respond. that speaks to just how used to racism Black people are. We can't even identify racism because the system was built so that being oppressed is the norm and we don't even have the vocabulary or wherewithal to address it.

Today, here, now, I want to address the misperceptions, rationalizations, and false beliefs white anti-racists have about racism.

One of the responses I got referred to an analogy, created by another white person who was working diligently to dismantle their white privilege and racist beliefs, that racism was like high fructose corn syrup being in foods where you wouldn't expect it. That analogy is completely wrong. It couldn't be more wrong in fact.

I'm going to gently suggest that racism is far more pervasive than high fructose corn syrup is in foods. Yes, it's in processed foods and you can barely touch an item in the grocery store without it. But the fact is, you can buy produce without it, fruits and vegetables don't have it. Meat and fish don't have high fructose corn syrup either. Rice and grains don't have high fructose corn syrup. You can shop at coop health food stores that offer foods with it. There are companies that specifically create healthy food without additives and chemicals. You can grow and make your own food that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup.

Equating racism to HFCS is a false equivalent because it implies that racism is pervasive but not ever-present.

EVERYONE born in this society, Black, white, and other, is a victim of racism. White people benefit from it. White people are emotionally, mentally, and psychologically crippled by it. People of color suffer from racism in that we are so debilitated, we don't even understand or grasp what life would be like outside of a racist context. No one is immune from the plague of racism, there is no one who isn't touched by it. There are no pockets of places where racism doesn't exist.

The analogy that I prefer, the analogy that is more accurate than the high fructose corn syrup is equating our reality to a video game.

The video game was designed in what we understand as 1000s of years ago but that's not entirely accurate. Time is an illusion, time is a feature of the game and it's been manipulated by the programmers of the game to make it seem like white people are the creators and inventors of all, the architects of society and civilization. The programmers created a game in which white people are always the winners, Black people are always the losers, and everyone else is somewhere in between.

Being born in racist AmeriKKKa, the epicenter of the deception, programmers designed the game so that white people have all the superpowers, you have all the super weapons, you get all the points, and your character doesn't get shot or killed or dinged, your upgrades don't cost anything, the whole game is built to make white people the superhero and the winner. Cheating gets rewarded, the game is built so that white people win without skill, ability, merit, or prowess.

More importantly, white people get all the points that the Black characters earn in the game. Black characters invent, create, and build everything and the programmers wrote the code so that it appears that white people created everything.

The rules of the video game apply to every character. There aren't any characters in the game that operate under different rules there are no characters in the game that are programmed to operate under different rules.

THERE ARE NO CHARACTERS IN THE GAME THAT OPERATE OUTSIDE THE GAME'S DESIGN.

In the game, the Black characters get not only don't get any points or any superpowers, they not only forfeit all their points to white characters, Black characters get dinged for any mistake they make but they also get dinged for any mistakes that the white characters make.

The game is designed for Black characters to lose and for white characters to win in all ways, always.

White characters can destroy the planet, colonize countries to exploit it's populations, white characters can manipulate the economy and give false value to items and things in order to gain wealth and power, white characters can be sexual deviants who molest children in plain sight and who are still given the benfit of the doubt, they operate criminal networks with impunity, they never suffer the consequences of their actions. They steal, lie, cheat, and murder and they are still seen as moral, upright, upstanding, and inherently superior.

Do all the characters do those things? No. But all the characters benefit from the program being designed to depict whiteness and without flaw.

ALL THE WHITE CHARACTERS BENEFIT FROM THE PROGRAM THAT DEEMS WHITENESS RIGHT.

The white characters have been programmed to see themselves as godlike, even if they aren't as rich and wealthy as the programmers, they still see themselves reflected in the faces of the programmers who created this false reality. They don't comprehend the unfairness of the game, they see it as the way things have always been, it's not unfair, it's the way the programmers designed the game, it's the way things are supposed to be.

For white characters, life is smooth sailing. For Black characters, life is

hell. Life is hell but that is all they know, that is how the program was designed, and they don't even comprehend a reality other than struggle and pain and lack and even more pain. Black characters see white characters, how they interact in the game, how the game was designed for them but the characters in the game can't change the program, so the Black characters keep on playing with no hope of things ever changing, no hope of ever winning.

A glitch in the program has allowed the white characters to see that the program was designed with inequality in the coding. But for white characters, they can't comprehend or grasp what the Black characters have experienced AND they are completely incapable of re-writing the code so that there is equality in the game so that tiny glitch, the knowledge and understanding of how the game was rigged in their favor, to the white characters, is a single grain of sand on a beach.

The white characters, however, perceive it to be the totality of racism. The white characters believe that they can understand and grasp the complexity of inequality when all they really see is a tiny fraction of it.

White characters comprehend a tiny speck of the reality of the surreal world in which they live, they don't see the scope, range, and impact of the inequality and they dismiss any complaints from the Black characters that the game is rigged in their favor. To the white characters, they have won for millennia legitimately.

White people, human beings, have been told, convinced, they BELIEVE that their whiteness is right, they believe that they are superior to Blacks, that Blacks are inherently inferior. It's written in the code. The baseline of their beliefs, built into the program, is that Black people are less than whites.

It's how the game was designed.

The game is rigged in white people's favor.

The game is rigged for Black people to lose.

So, here we are, in the real 3D world. White people have come to realize that racism exists, that the game has been rigged in their favor, they grasp that it's wrong, and they think that because they have some inkling that things have been rigged in their favor, that they understand how the game has been designed, how Black people feel, and that their acknowledgment of racism means that they are not racist.

Anti-racists, in the game of life as we experience it, collectively, see, understand, and comprehend about 5% of the whole picture, they glimpse about 5% of the inequity of the game but the assume they see, understand, and comprehend 95% of the inequality of racism. That is understandable, the game has been designed for you to think that you are the source of all that is good, right, that all knowledge comes from white people. Then there are 95% of the white players in the game still very much content to believe that the game is fair, that the fact that they always win is God's will. God, unfortunately, is a racist programmer who capitalizes off of the blood, sweat, tears, work, art, creativity, strength, beauty, talent, and endurance of Black people.

But because white people in the game of 3D life, in the world as we know it, have been programmed to believe that they are always right, that they collectively do nothing wrong, that they deserve points for doing nothing, that they deserve to win, they are shocked, offended and frustrated when they get dinged, when a Black person calls them on their racism. They can't wrap their heads around being told they are wrong and that the game is rigged in their favor.

Anti-racists are quite convinced that they are immune to the program, that they are characters outside the game.

The entire game, the life we live, the reality of this dimension, the 3D world we live in has been created so white people don't get penalized for their fuck up and they get rewarded for cheating and they always win. That programming can't be changed overnight. That programming can't be changed at all with the limited and narrow glimpse that white people have of how the game is played.

The entire game, the life we live, the reality of this dimension, the 3D world we live in, has been created so that Black people are the best players in the game, the Black characters are the most resilient, the Black characters have the most integrity, the Black characters have the most creativity, ingenuity, the most strength, the Black characters are the better players, period, but the Black characters have been programmed to believe that they are not even in the same league as white people. Black people have lived in a dimensional reality where our contributions have been stolen and attributed to white people. Black people live in a reality where our intellect has been negated and we have been designed as losers.

So here, in 2022 as we understand it, white people have been convinced for their entire lifetimes that time, space, and technology have been their domain, that they are masters of the universe. Here, in 2022, Black people are saying that the game isn't fair, that the game is rigged in white people's favor and the vast and overwhelming majority of white people are saying, "No, it's not! The game absolutely is fair. We are better and you are just complaining because you always lose and we always win but that's because we are really superior."

The small minority of white people who are doing their best to be anti-racist are saying, "OK, I get it that the game isn't fair. I get it." But they have played in a game where the rules have been bent in their favor, so their default mode, the understanding that they go back to when challenged, is, "I'm right, you Black people are wrong, I know more than you, you can't tell me because I know . . ."

That's the nature of the reality we live in. White people BELIEVE that Blacks are inferior, that they deserve to be impoverished and imprisoned disproportionately because that's how the system was designed. They can't articulate it in that way because the programmed wasn't designed for them to be self aware. The program was designed for white people to believe that they are god.

EVERYTHING in this society, every message, every practice, every belief, every law, every societal norm has been designed and programmed around the belief that Blacks are inherently inferior. There is no way a white person can be born in this society (meaning this time and space, across the globe, not just the United States) without being a victim of the belief that white people are superior and Blacks are inferior because that's the foundation of the game, that is how this dimension was built.

White people BELIEVE that racism is like high fructose corn syrup, that you only some foods have it and that it can be avoided. Racism is far more destructive, pervasive, and crippling than any additive in food.

Racism is not in the air that we breathe. Racism IS the air we breathe: it's omnipresent, it's designed into the game, the system is racist. The game has to crash and be redesigned to escape the suffocating oppression of racism.

You are racist.

I know, I know! That simple declaration angers you. You are offended and outraged that a Black person would call you a racist or dare to assert that they know more about racism than you. There is no other word that triggers white people more than being called racist. I get it, I really do.  You think I'm a racist for even discussing racism.  You see red when Black people talk about racism.  You believe you aren't racist because "you don't see color", because "you weren't raised racist," and because you think that being racist is the worst thing a white person can be. You are quite convinced that racism isn't that bad, Obama being elected proves that racism is over, and that Black people are exaggerating about racism, complaining for no reason.  (Most of you won't even make it through the first paragraph before posting a comment that I'm the racist.)

The sad fact is, if you are white and especially if you are male and alive today you are a victim of the very false belief that white men are the center of the universe, the creators of all, the source of everything that is good and holy in the world. That makes you racist. The truth is white men would be nothing without the magical forces that have stolen, usurped, cheated, and manipulated time and space, history, technology, religion, politics, capitalism and finance, and societal norms to project the false image that white men are superior. You are not!

At your core, you believe that people of African descent have contributed nothing to the world, to arts, the humanities, to culture, science, math, and religion because our history has been destroyed and rewritten so that white men are the heroes, the inventors, the originators all.  You believe that Black people are inherently, genetically inferior because that has been the projected narrative for centuries. You can't have been born in a society built on the oppression of Black people without being racist. We are not and have never been and we will never be an inferior race of people.  You are not, have never been, will never be superior.  

There is no greater indication of an inferior race than one who thinks that enslaving, raping, torturing, selling, branding, and murdering another human being for no reason other than the color of their skin makes you superior. 

You believe that generations of enslavement, abuse, denial of education, and oppression, GENERATIONS of debilitating and systemic oppression have no detrimental and lingering causational effects on the psyche of Black people today, a race of people who have been falsely depicted as inferior for longer than you've been alive.  That is part and parcel of the fallacy of white supremacy, that is the definition of being racist.  You believe, at your core, that Black people in the ghetto deserve to be there because of the poor choices they've made, never once considering that they didn't choose the circumstances of their birth in the same way you didn't choose yours.  

The true contributions of Black people to society and civilization have been erased, obscured, and stolen.  We are NOT inherently criminal, lazy, or stupid.  We exist as more than objects to fulfill your sexual fetish.  

If any of the following are applicable to you, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but . . . Yes, you are racist. 

- 

- You are obsessed with Black sexuality.  Every Black person you look at you imagine being sexual with them, you see yourself as entitled to pleasure from any Black person you find attractive.

- 

- You believe that Black men are sexual savages, bucks, and bulls with an inherent lust for white woman.

- 

- You refer to Black men as BBC without respecting the fact that they are human beings, not once considering that they are not giant dildos for your pleasure. 

- 

- You are fully invested in believing that Black people are welfare queens and thugs while ignoring your own children being drug addicted and a menace to society with their criminal behavior. 

- 

- No form of Black protest is acceptable to you: not marching, not kneeling, certainly not rioting, not even hashtags are acceptable to you.

- 

- You think of Black women as being sassy and naturally dominant, never once considering that we are human beings and capable of a full spectrum of feelings, emotions, and states.

- 

- You long for the good old days when America was great, but it was never great: lynching, Jim Crow, and suffocating racism were at their peak when America was being depicted as if it was without flaw.

- 

- You claim your one Black friend as evidence of the fact that you aren't racist but they've never been to your home, you've never been to theirs.

- 

- You watch interracial porn night and day; you've watched it every day for years   

- 

- You troll Black people online to tell them that they are reverse racists (not a real thing, btw) and then with no irony whatsoever, you obsessively masturbate to fantasies of being gangbanged and used by Blacks.

- 

- You create fake profiles to tell Black people that you are a person of color and that if you don't find something racist, it's not and they are wrong.

- 

- You secret away to bookstores and glory holes to suck off Black men like an addiction and go home to your wife with a litany of lies and deceptions that indicate how much you hate Black men. 

- 

- You half-quote Martin Luther King and you've never read a single speech of his, you have convinced yourself that white people during the 60s loved him.

- 

- You pretend that you need to be forced by a woman to suck a big, black cock in order to uphold your image of whiteness. 

-  

- If a Black person calls out your racist behavior, you have every excuse at the ready for why you can't be racist rather than listening or apologizing.

- 

- You can only get aroused and erect in your marital bed by thinking about your wife being fucked by Black men.  

- 

- You dress up as a sissy and proclaim you are transgender to justify your insatiable appetite for sex with Black men but you don't do a mother fucking thing to uplift women or women's issues or women's rights when you present as male to the world.  

- 

- You think you're the only white man aroused by Blacks.

- 

- You think having sex with Black people is taboo but sex with Asian or Latino people isn't.  

- 

- You think being submissive to Black people is degrading and humiliating.  

- 

- You are convinced you have no privilege for being white.

- 

- You are convinced that your attraction to Black people means you aren't racist.  

- 

- You never speak up or defend Black people in public when your friends and coworkers say racist things.  

- 

- You feel compelled to say racist things in front of your friends because you think you need to make sure they know you are like them and you don't want them to know that you are secretly sucking off Black men every chance you get.

- 

- You swear your devotion and allegiance to Black people behind closed doors but you never do anything in public to lift up, support, or defend Black people.

- 

- You've never taken a single anti-racism workshop and all your racism talking points are cliche's you repeat because they are ingrained in your psyche, not because they have validity.  

- 

- You dream of a New Black World Order but the only aspects you consider sexual.

- 

- You don't want to be racist but you don't want to do anything other than what you have been doing because contemplating doing something to change your worldview is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  

- 

Once white people accept that being racist doesn't make them inherently evil they can learn to divest themselves of the fallacy of white supremacy.  It's not simple, it's hard as fuck because everything in your body, mind and soul tells you that you are not wrong, that you are not racist, but you are. It's past time for white people to wake up to their collective racist behaviors and address them.    

(Fetlife censors:  Please note that discussing the racist behaviors of white people is not hate speech even if what I wrote makes you angry.)

Shining Light on the Shadows

 I am the paragon of Love. In trying to heal, evolve, and grow in enlightenment, I have to speak my truth to power, I have to use my gift to heal myself. I have been trying to ignore the hurt I feel I've had for the last month because 1. I'm going through so much in my life right now that I'm overwhelmed with emotion.

and 2. I'm so entirely used to white men being assholes, that I've grown to accept it and not even address the personal pain if feel when I'm betrayed by someone I've invested in. I invested in a white man more than I've ever done in my life, more than I thought possible, and he ghosted for no reason and not addressing it has stunted my creativity and I can't have that.

Without question, 2021 has been the most fucked up/transformative year of my life. In January, my third eye was opened to a reality that I never knew existed. I "woke" up to an understanding, an instant realization that MAGICK exists, that the reality of life that I thought existed was an illusion. I have processed feelings of betrayal from my family, from society, I have done more introspection and self-examination in the last 12 months than I thought was possible simply because my eyes have been opened up to exactly how fucked up our world is. What I haven't done is addressed the two decades of betrayal I've felt from white men because I've been socialized to accept their betrayal as the norm.

I've always been fearless when it comes to speaking my truth about racism and the same is true about speaking my truth about my understanding and awareness of the Devil, oaths, magick, and the true Wizard of Oz fucked-up reality in which we live. Along with that awareness I've also had to accept as the definitive truth that I AM Divine, that God is my voice, and that we, collectively as Black people are the true architects of the UNIVERSE.

Speaking that truth has alienated my entire client base on Nite Flirt. White men with money, my normal clients, have access to magick and as I spoke my truth about my understanding and awareness, my callers stopped. I am persona non grata to them. My income went from flowing to stagnant, to nothing in 2021 as I refused to pretend that things were "normal" like us Munchkins are supposed to believe.

Who I am as a Domme was shaped by the fallacy of white supremacy. White men, the masterful manipulators who control and dictate what we believe, have forced their narrative of lies and racism on the world, especially in creating our sexual identity. We, people of color, have been victims to their distorted manipulations for so long we don't even question the stupid shit that passes as truth. (This is totally not where I wanted to go with this piece but it is the foundation of my hurt so I'll process it.) So, 22 years ago, when I started to explore my role as a Domme, I didn't have options, I couldn't choose the parameters of my identity, I was expected to fill the role of humilatrix, filling white men's need for humiliation and degradation because . . . Well, I'm not sure why. I know it has something to do with them trying to manipulate pronouns and the words I speak about them are somehow reflected in the alternative world back to me. I don't understand it all.

Anyway, the point is, I have been a Domme for 22 years based on this model of whiteness where white men seek, crave, and manipulate me into their fucked-up game of BEGGING me to humiliate them to get . . . I don't know, demonic points or something, I guess it has something to do with denying our power and the reality that Black people truly are superior, we truly are God made manifest. My identity as a Domme has always been one of us versus them. I have always fought to be seen as human by very racist and obtuse white men. I have always had to battle whiteness. It's always been a fight: a fight for them to not be so fucking obnoxious and arrogant, a constant battle for them to see me, to see Black people as human beings, and it's always been framed by the narrative that they are too obtuse and ignorant to get how racist and fucked up they are. Turns out they know exactly how racist and offensive they are and they do it intentionally to incite emotion in us, to anger us because they get power or something from our emotions.

Still not what I wanted to address but I'm letting this flow in whatever way it wants to go so I can heal and move on.

I have always identified myself as a psychological Domme, meaning I get in a white man's head and fuck him mentally. I have never once in my life wanted to dress up in a leather outfit and conform to some sassy Black bitch role who spanks white men. That would have been conforming to their sickness. The thought of having a white man engage with me sexually has always been repulsive to me so I even the thought of having a white man eat my pussy . . . I just threw up in my mouth. Just the thought is repulsive.

I have always been the intellectual Domme who addresses white men's racism. My nut has always been derived from knowing that I have been able to force white men to acknowledge that I'm superior to them in all ways, not just some sexual roleplay they use to manipulate me, but making them realize that they are truly inferior, that they are weak and pathetic, that the fallacy of white superiority is just that, a fallacy. White men have never been superior in any way. I love knowing that white men walk away from me, run away from me with the understanding that I am a Bad Bitch, that they understand that I'm truly superior to them in more ways than they are capable of truly grasping.

I should say at this point that I've never once had a submissive. I use the words "own a submissive" with the awareness that I've come to see that as a manipulation as well. They want me to be as barbaric as they are, they want me to see them as property and a possession so I can be as fucked up as they are. I've engaged with white men, I've dominated white men psychologically and mentally, but I've never had a white man commit to being my submissive. White men have always used me to get them off and then run away. All of them. I have never had a white man want to be my submissive.

I have been on a quest to find one white man who was willing to commit to me.

I've gotten frustrated over the years too many times to count, seeking this mythical white submissive who wanted to belong to me. I chased after the concept of "the one", the one white man who would see my value and appreciate and respect that I was different, the one who saw that I was special, that I was worth the effort. I've read accounts of white men telling how they have found the Domme of their dreams and how devoted they were to her. I wanted that.

I have had white men who tell me how amazing and wonderful and special I am and then they run away. All of them. Well, not all of them. The simple ones, the ones who don't meet my standards, they are clueless that they don't meet my standards, they don't run away, I have to push them away. The arrogant, offensive, obnoxious and overtly racist ones, the ones who assume that I will dominate them simply because they think I'm an amusement to them, that I will get them off and they can use me, I have to block them. The ones I want to dominate, they all run away.

So, here I am, 2021, more than two decades of dominating white men, still searching for the elusive one, the one who will recognize that I'm exceptional and want to belong to me, and now having this added knowledge of the occult that is driving white men away from me like I have the plague, and I meet someone here on Fetlife who sends me a message saying he read my writings and he's intrigued.

Immediately, from the first message, I was impressed. It wasn't copy and paste. It was respectful, he didn't assume I would dominate him just because I lived in the same vicinity, he wasn't typically racist and arrogant. We communicated well. I read his profile, all of it, and it was offensive, but I made note of the fact that there were two different tones. His most recent entries, postings, and comments were far less racist and offensive than his posting from more than a year ago.

The communication continued to flow, I was pushing him to see me as a human being in ways he had never done, in ways NO white people ever do. He wasn't as anti-racist as I would have wanted my potential submissive to be but he made up for it by wanting to learn to be anti-racist and being open to learning. Let me be clear, as I told him time and time again, he was a 2 on an anti-racism scale of 1-100, but considering that most white men are in the negative numbers, that was a decent place to start for us.

What followed was three intense weeks of me teaching him, me learning to become a different Domme, it was a master class in me coming to the understanding that there is no way in hell that white men are ever going to unlearn their racism unless I am gentle, loving, kind, forgiving, forgiving, and even more forgiving. I was learning that I could be the Domme I wanted to be, but I that in order for me to evolve, I had to become a teacher, not a Domme who gets pissed when white men display their ingrained racism.

I've been fighting racists and racism my entire life, not just as an aspect of my sexuality because my Blackness is not a fetish, it's my identity. I've confronted racism with passion my entire life. With Jonathan, I was able to confront his racism from a place of guidance and teaching, not anger and frustration that he didn't see his own racism. I'm not sure I'm saying that correctly.

Jonathan was racist in the typical ways white men are racist, but he was willing to grow and learn. He assumed he was right, he denied and lied, he had excuses for his racism at the ready, and he was resistant to accepting that his behaviors were typical. But through it all, with me embracing that I was never going to teach a white man not to be racist by getting angry and frustrated with their ignorance, I softened my tone and we continued to grow.

I thought I had found the one, my submissive. I even changed my status on Fetlife, something I had never had an occasion to be before. Ever.

For 22 years, I've operated under the assumption that if I was reasoned and logical and showed white men exactly how they are racist, that they would realize how their actions and behaviors were hurtful and they would be motivated to change. Wrong!

Not being mean is not the same thing as being loving. That was themost important lesson I had to learn. Telling him about his racism in a way that wasn't antagonistic or hurtful is not the same thing as being kind and loving. For 22 years, I've been expecting white men to see their racism because I've been logical and blunt and straight forward, not personally attacking them, but showing them what they can't see from their perspective. And when they don't get it, when they don't see racism, and oppression and the inherent fallacy of white supremacy, I get angry. I have a right to be angry at their racism but my anger doesn't teach them to be less racist. Not being mean is not the same thing as being loving. It's a hard lesson to learn for a teacher who is actively oppressed by their student.

I had to being loving. I had to show more empathy, more care, I had to be more gentle and kind and nurturing and loving to him than I had ever been in my life . . . I have never had an occasion to be gentle and loving and kind to a white man before because white men are bred to be racist and racism hurts, it's offensive, because white men are totally fucking clueless as to how hurtful even their "innocent" racism is.

For three weeks, I invested in him. I forgave. I taught. For hours and hours, every day, texting, writing, talking, I instructed. I guided. I corrected in the most gentle and loving way possible. He had made the promise to me that he wasn't going to run away, that he was in this for the long haul. For the first time in 22 years, I thought I had found someone who wanted to belong to me. I thought he and I were going to spend years together, playing, exploring, being nasty in real life, not just online. When he was racist, I was loving. When he was clueless, I was loving.

Until he ran away.

I THINK the reason he ran away is because he didn't want to make the financial commitment to belong to me. I can't be sure. The only issue we had that I think he could use as an excuse to run away was that he had been being insensitive to me, ignoring the fact that I was going through financial hardship while I was giving him Ph.D level instruction FOR FREE on a daily basis. I told him I needed to take three of four days to myself because teaching him was far more exhaustive for me than learning from me was for him. I asked for however many days it was, three, four, five, whatever it was, and he contacted me damn near every day by text, DM, he didn't respect my request. On the scale of offensive behavior, it was minor.

I understood where his needy behavior was coming from and I told him it was problematic but I didn't make a big deal of it and we continued on. We talked, everything was fine, smooth, no problems. A day or two later, some racist white man made a comment on something I said on Fetlife and I mentioned him in my response, saying that I couldn't wait for the day that he was articulate and anti-racist enough to be able to respond to white men for me. He sent me a text, saying I had called him out on Fetlife. I responded that I didn't call him out, that I MENTIONED him and that he wasn't prepared to address racism in any way currently.

That's the last communication we had.

That doesn't seem like a valid reason to run away to me. As best I can figure out, he decided that he didn't want to financially invest in belonging to me so it would just be easier to ignore me rather than tell me that he wasn't going to fulfill his financial commitment to me.

Jonathan was under the typical white male delusion that I should consider teaching him an honor and he couldn't and didn't grasp that he was benefitting from me and that I was not getting equal benefit from teaching him. Racism is offensive. He was under the assumption that because his racism wasn't as offensive as most white men's, that somehow he was a great guy and that teaching, guiding, training, instructing, and correcting him, all in gentle, loving, forgiving manner was no big deal for me. He was under the impression that there was some equality to our relationship, that I should value the opportunity to teach and guide him, again, for free, as much as he valued learning from me. That's not even how society works. You can't go to Harvard and expect to be educated for free.

I asked him to make a financial investment in belonging to me because I wanted to know that he wasn't going to run away, that he wouldn't just jump ship when things were difficult and that he was going to see things through to the end. And the end would mean him coming to ATL (and I was even willing to compromise on that) three or four times a year to be the sexual plaything for me and, eventually, my lover. I don't ever demand or require a certain amount, I've only ever told white men to decide how much they want to invest in belonging to me and to date, not one man has ever even made the verbal commitment to invest in belonging to me, let alone followed through with doing so. He said he was going to and he wanted to be my submissive long term. All he had to do was talk to his wife and make sure she was on the same page. Of course, he had to find the right time to do that because he couldn't just talk to her about it out of the blue, the stars had to align perfectly so that he could present her with this opportunity.

I can't count the number of white men who have promised to belong to me and then run away, I can't count the number of white men who have said they wanted to belong to me and simply ghosted. I thought he was going to be different and it hurts. I loved who I was with him. I loved how I was growing and evolving. I loved the results I saw in him.

I can honestly say I loved him and that's what hurts the most. I loved the way he would reflect on what I told him and the processes he used to find a new way to look at his privilege. I loved how he challenged himself to acknowledge that he was racist. We were exploring truths and realities (well I think we were, it could have all be a giant manipulation) that were unchartered territory for me.

Now, not only am I not missing that place he had in my life and what we shared, I'm disgusted and angry and resentful towards every racist fucked up white man who isn't him, who doesn't share his potential to be my perfect submissive.

I need to make a side note here. During this time, this magical three weeks of bliss and communication and growing and evolving as a Domme, my creativity was off the charts. Three weeks seems like such a short period of time but for me it was magical, in the non magick way. I was writing and coming up with concepts that still blow my mind. Every day I was being challenged to forgive and be loving to help him see how racist and fucked up he was in ways that didn't make him feel like shit for being racist and fucked up in ways he wasn't even aware of.

The whole process was a challenge and I had to keep accepting that "not being mean is not the same thing as being loving." I had to be nurturing, I had to be gentle. I had to be forgiving of his fuck-ups and understand that he was even more a victim of this society than Black people have ever been. He was operating under this false narrative that white men are superior, that they know everything, that they have a right to have the last word, that they are never wrong, that they don't have to apologize, that they don't have to tell the truth, on and on and on.

I can't imagine finding anyone more compatible with me than he was at this moment. We fit. His style of communication, his eagerness to learn, his ability to apologize after he realized he was wrong. Again, he had a long way to go because my 5-year-old grandson apologizes better than he did but he was light years ahead of most white men in even his willingness to admit he was wrong.

My desire to write has diminished in the last month. When I was training and teaching him, I couldn't stop writing. Every second, it seemed, that I wasn't teaching him, I was exploring ways to communicate and teach other white men to see our humanity in loving ways, and how I could use my stories, how I could incorporate the techniques I was learning from dealing with him into the larger scale of teaching white men who read my work.

I have been ignoring the hurt because I'm so used to it. I'm used to white men taking advantage of me and then running away when I'm no longer useful to them. I've accepted as the norm white men who tell me that they want to be my submissive and never follow through, who ignore me after promising to be devoted to me. I'm accustomed to white men who make promises they have no intention of fulfilling. I'm tired of it.

It's one thing to have someone I'm not interested in be a dick. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when I invest in someone who doesn't invest in me back. I have to acknowledge that. I have to acknowledge it makes me feel worthless and hurt. I have to shine light on the shadows. I know in my heart, in my soul, I know that I'm superior to white men and that my worth isn't tied to what their approval of me, their willingness to belong or commit to me but I also have to acknowledge that their rejection of me is hurtful when I've given so much of myself in the pursuit of a dream that will never come true.

Imagine the Post Apocolyptic World

 The year, 2022.

China had bombed the shit out of Washington D.C., NYC, and their armies have taken over every major city, killing anyone and everyone with power with no conscious whatsoever. They have technologically advanced weapons, weapons that make guns look like sling shots.

California has become a huge deportation holding center. Families from across the country, broken, beaten, starving, terrified have been marched across the country on foot, without food and water, chained to the dead and the dying, most not surviving.

Once in California, separated from everyone you know and love, in a stadium full of sick people who are as afraid as you, as sick, exhausted, and depressed as you, you wait and wait and wait for months. You wait for what you don't know because all of your captors speak Chinese. You don't understand anything they say. You are housed with people from all over the country but it seems rare that you hear someone speak English. You hear all the many languages that make up the United States but you don't speak anything but English.

After months of being held prisoner in this huge stadium, you are herded into a shipping container, no light, barely enough air to breath, hot as fuck during the day and freezing cold at night. The container is put on a ship and it takes MONTHS for you to reach China. You are packed so tightly you have no room to move. There is no bathroom so you must piss and shit where you lay. The stench of everyone's waste becomes a part of your being. You want desperately to see someone you know but you search for faces and you feel alone. You are given food but it's infested with maggots. Even without the insects, not even food fit for human consumption.

You are transported to China where everyone who survived the trip is hosed down and given clean clothes and you are paraded in front of men who yell strange things and the next thing you know, you are transported off to a strange city and you understand that it is supposed to be your new home.

The food is strange, you don't know the language and you see others like you, but the light is gone from their eyes. They look dead inside.

You are beaten. They beat you until you accept the new name they give you. They beat you until you renounce your religion and you accept atheism. The beatings go on so long you pray for death.

You are raped. Men are raped anally to make them subservient, women are raped to impregnate them to produce half Chinese offspring that will be sold off for profit to child molesters and rapists.

Your employers, in name only because you aren't paid, beat when you speak English. They beat you when you don't produce enough in the factory. They beat your for their sick and sadistic pleasure.

You are forced to work in a factory, night and day, with no rest, scraps and garbage for food. You are housed in a room, all you have is a cot with no sheets.

You are told how horrible America is, and how grateful you should be for living in China.

You are told that ONLY Chinese people are beautiful and that they are naturally superior.

They do not allow you to read or write. You are not allowed possessions. You are not allowed to date or marry anyone of your own choosing. You aren't allowed any rights as a human being.

All you want to do is go home. You want your old life back. You want the safety and security of your own home. You want your family. You want your name. You want your life back.

Eventually, you gain your freedom. Well not you, but the descendants of people born in American, generations and generations later, in 2422, gain their freedom from the tyranny. They know nothing of America other than what the Chinese have told them. They have no traditions, no memories, no books or TV shows to show what it was like in America, only the accounts of what the Chinese have said it was like, which was horrible.

The freed descendants of Americans continue to reside in China because they have no connection to America whatsoever. They are treated like second class citizens, denied the same rights as the Chinese natives. They never know true freedom because of what they look like. Their skin tells people that they are not really Chinese even if they were born and raised there, even if they only know China as their home. Most people find a way to survive, living their lives trying to stay under the radar and not cause any trouble.

Some descendants of Americans fight for equality and justice, to be treated as fully Chinese, with all the rights and privileges afforded to the real Chinese people. They protest and march demanding justice. The Chinese police mow them down in the streets for entertainment and sport. The Chinese media reports that it's those American Chinese people that are the real problem. They are illiterate, criminal, lazy, and they don't appreciate all that China has done for them.

They take to the streets and they scream, "American Lives Matter"

Now, do you get it?

Pathological Truther

 I hate when people tell me that they never lie. Everyone lies.  Everyone lies all day, every day, for things they don't need to lie about. For the better part of 25 years or so, I've worked hard on telling the truth.  It's hard.  It takes effort and thought and diligence.  Everyone in this society lies so much that it's accepted.  

TV has people convinced that lying is difficult and you can always tell if someone is lying by looking at them because liars always stress out and you get nervous and start sweating.  "Hey, murderer pretending to be innocent, let us strap you up to this machine to see if you're lying."  

 

The truth is, people lie so easily it can't be detected.  

I lied last week.  I was talking to someone and I said, "And the reason I know that is . . ." In the short time it took for me to say the words, "And the reason I know that is," I had already calculated in my mind the pros and cons of telling the truth, weighed both options, I reasoned that the outcome would be less problematic if I lied, and I came up with a lie that sounded feasible and didn't miss a beat between the word is and the word because.  

I wasn't planning to lie. By that, I mean, I hadn't started out the conversation with the intention of lying.  I didn't even start out the sentence intending to lie. It wasn't like I had been anticipating the conversation for days and had rehearsed the lie in my mind.  Spur of the moment, at the speed of light, I made up a lie.

I performed at least 6 major thought processes in LESS than a fraction of a second.  

I later confessed and apologized for my lie.  It wasn't about anything big or major or personal.  I lied about HOW I knew that the race war had started already and the media just isn't reporting it.  I told him that I had a submissive white man who was a doctor who gave me the real deal.  LOL, that's dumb a dumb lie now that I think about it.  Why would a white doctor tell me about the efforts of white people to kill people of color?  I didn't want to say, "I'm the recipient of supranatural insights into the Universe." 

I came clean about the lie and the reason I lied.  

I had a few years out of the last 25 where I lied like average people.  I had found my old boss on Facebook.  I wanted to call her and tell her that I loved her.  I loved her in a way that was pure Divine love.  She was racist, horrible, and evil to me when I worked for her.  But she was part of the puzzle that, when put together, make Scottie the woman that she is today.  

I was stressed out and triggered by the concept of calling her and telling her that I wasn't rich and successful.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't call her and tell her that I was a broke struggling artist who writes erotic stories about Black people. 

That was just too much for me at the time. I felt like a loser.  I wasn't married.  I didn't have kids.  She met me when I was 21.  At close to 50, I wanted her to see me as a home-owning, conforming to societal rules but still creative, middle-class person.  I was ashamed of not being rich.  I was ashamed of being broke and unsuccessful.  I didn't even want to tell her that I had gone to grad school because I didn't want her to have more of a reason to judge me and think I'm a failure in life.  

For at least a full day before I called her, I stressed out over lying.  I figured out my lie and rehearsed it.  I was going to tell her was that I worked with my uncle and we had formed a business where he was a real estate agent and I designed and staged the houses. I had proposed that exact option to my uncle.  I have spent YEARS watching nothing but home improvement shows morning till night.  I used to pretend I had my own HGTV show and I may even had thought of a name of my pretend show. It was the best lie I could tell.  

I called my girlfriend to help me calm my nerves and help me rehearse.  I can almost feel the sensation now.  

I called my old boss.  I told my rehearsed lie, It went off smoothly.  I told her I loved her.  She did not respond or acknowledge me.  She asked me if I was going to come to NY to visit any time soon and that she wanted to see me before she died.  I lied and said maybe.  

The freaky part is, that lie, after that phone call, the floodgates opened, I started, "normal lying."  Normal lying is what what I refer to as the endless string of lies circumstances that recognize that everyone lies because they don't think of it as a lie. Lies do not have to be elaborate like the one I told, lies are a result of living in a society that makes us afraid of being judged.  Lies are the way your brain processes your fear of being judged.  

This society has brainwashed us to lie about everything because we live in constant fear of judgment from other people.  That fear causes people to lie about things that they absolutely don't have to lie about.  For about three years after that incident, I "normal" lied.  Every conversation I had consisted of me not paying attention to what other people said but rather I was anticipating how they were going to  judge me and what I could say to make myself look better to them.  I lied about the stupidest shit possible.  I wasn't abnormal, nothing was wrong with me.  Everyone lies.  

My grandkids made me stop lying again.  I'm on year three of trying to speak truth to power.  I have noticed that since 2021, I'm even more diligent about being honest and apologizing when I'm wrong.  

I remember when I was married a million and two years ago, I told my husband, the one thing I hate most is liars.  "If I can't trust you, we have no relationship."  I told him that if he ever felt unhappy in our marriage, tell me BEFORE he cheated so that we could work on being better or I could walk away with dignity. He didn't.  He cheated and he lied about it. He lied about everything. I thought, at the time, there was something wrong with him. I thought he had some sort of mental defect, like something had happened to him in his life to make him lie about having pizza for lunch when he had Wendy's. It feels like every fight that we had was because he lied.   He lied about everything all the time. 

I thought my ex-husband lied more than normal people.

Turns out, it's not that he lied more than normal people, turns out that I lie less than normal people.  

It's only just in the last few minutes that I just now realize he was normal.  He was normal and lying is normal.  People lie about everything because they fear being judged.  I judged him as some sort of mental illness that made him lie all the time.  My ah-ha moment!  I was viewing him through a lens of being all good or all bad.  

The last big, stressful rehearsed lie that I told, I told to my mother.  Turns out she saw me in the Tuesday other dimensional meeting and she knew I was lying the entire time.  

I cheated on my ex-husband.  It was . . . maybe two or three days  before our marriage ended in a blaze of adultery and pain.  The guy was a UPS driver.  It's possible he may have worked at the same hub as my husband. His name was  Scott and he had a really small dick and he fucked me in the ass in the living room of our condo.  Anyway, I never got a chance to tell my husband that I had cheated because the evidence of his years long affair came to light and my life fell apart.  

We communicated, my ex husband and I, with one another a few years ago.  I asked him why he had done some of the more hurtful things he'd done to me and his answer was, "I don't remember."  He felt guilty.  He thought I still hated him.  I haven't hated him in seems like decades.  

I weighed the option of telling him about my infidelity but there was no point after 30 years.  I would have no problem confessing and apologizing to him if we ever meet face to face again. He doesn't need my apology, I don't feel plagued with guilt.  I would simply like to restore the scales of truth to balance.  I told him that I had forgiven him years and years ago.   I did feel quite guilty for a long time because I cheated on him.  It was my only time cheating. I never cheated on my boyfriend before that. Ever since that time, I've never cheated and I've always lived my my own edicts. (Hmmm, will future generations know what the word integrity means?)

All four of the relationships I've had since my marriage ended have cheated on me.  Ehhh, Emmanuel wasn't really a relationship.  I suspect he cheated on his girlfriends to be with me but I'm not even sure about that. 

White women!  Your husbands are are low key disgusting.  I have dominated white men for 21 years.  I have no idea what percentage are married because white men lie.  But the ones who admit they are married, the ones who tell me that their wives have NO clue what sorts of things really turn them on, they are the ones who are the most deviant men on the planet.  They love to wallow in filth and depravity.  They lie, they lie, they lie, they expect me to believe their lies, they lie and lie and lie some more.  

My most memorable video call was with the married white dude who locked himself in the dog cage in chains and jerked off on the pile of dog turds that he had hidden the key in.  The depths of his depravity repulsed me.  He should not be allowed on the streets, he is a true danger to society. But he's more normal than the white man you see on TV, the one who never cheats and loves his wife.  He presents as a deacon in the church, a pillar of the community type dude and as a great dad and father.  He's not.  Trust me when I say, he absolutely is not.  He makes my flesh crawl.

That takes of lot.  I am not repulsed by men telling me that they are pedophiles, rapists, serial killers, or any other violent/criminal/sexual act. I have learned that our society is much darker than we understand and I acknowledge that far more people are driven by immoral, illegal, unethical, disgusting, disturbing sex than certainly the media tells us.  I've helped someone address their guilt over  his pedophile compulsion.  He is actually a sweet, wonderful man.  I really like him.  (Single).  

I don't see people as all good or all bad anymore.  I look for people who are self-aware.  Own your shit.  That's healthier than the people who deny their shit.  It's infinitely healthier than going out and degrading and castigating people who do things that don't even compare to what you do behind closed doors.  

I have a pleasant and civil relationship with a serial killer who is single and there are 4 or 5 married white men with whom I speak that make my flesh crawl.  To be honest, the single serial killer was far more honest and pleasant to talk to than the married white men who were probably serial killers as well and who just didn't tell me.  

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have masturbated to individuals whose behaviors, actions, and fantasies I find reprehensible but I'm aroused by their willingness to share with me their truth, to let me be their confidant. I'm not conflicted about it because I understand that far more people are dark than light. 

I am sexually aroused by the truth.  I find repulsive and repugnant white men who can confess and tell me their darkest thoughts and fantasies arousing because I'm aroused by white men's depravity.  That's my fetish:  White men's fuckedupness.

I've caught white men in lies and they SWEAR they are telling the truth, and eventually, the confess, sometimes after days of denial, and inevitably, in too many instances to count, after they've acknowledged that they had lied, after they confessed to lying and described to their misdeeds, in many instances they still go right back to asserting the same lie that they already confessed to.  They believe their own lies.  

The people who swear, "I'm not lying, I swear I'm not lying, What would I have to lie about?"  They're lying.  

I'm a pathological truther.  

And, to all those people who say, "I always tell the truth too," I'm going to gently suggest that unless you can show me physical proof: a blog post, a link to a podcast, an article you wrote, show me something that proves that you have spent time contemplating the truth and it's impact on our lives, you're lying.