I AM Worthy

Deeply ingrained in the psyche of slaves was the belief, the unshakeable BELIEF that Black people were meant to suffer.  They grew to believe, shackled under the oppressive physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual chains of slavery, that their life was intended to be painful, that they had to sacrifice, that there were destined to accept second, third, and fourth best.  Slaves were beaten, raped, held captive, tortured, and worked like animals and told that their rewards would only come when they accepted white Jesus and got to heaven.  And with no hope for wealth and affluence, with no hope of dignity or justice, they held on to the notion that their pain would end when they were washed by the blood of their lily-white savior once they got to the pearly gates. 

White people, not only just slave owners but all white people, had no such debilitating belief beat into them.  They believed, just as they do now, that the world is their oyster, that they can do and say anything without repercussions.  They have never known the concept of pain and suffering being intrinsic to their identity.  Sure, they have known pain, but it’s not tied to their identity, it’s not because of their whiteness.  They believe that they are the best, that they deserve the best, that they don’t have to do a damn thing to deserve the best, that they are entitled to their hearts’ desires simply ‘cuz. 

Black people today, in 2015, still largely believe that we must suffer, that pain is part and parcel of our identity.  The messages passed down, the lessons taught to us from our parents and grandparents who brutally beat us, who silenced us, who stifled our creativity, who tried their best to protect us from disappointment and injustice, is that we have to be long-suffering, that we have to settle, that we are inherently undeserving of fairness, wealth, respect, and just plain ole happiness because of our skin color.  We are conditioned to believe that we have to accept second best, that we must swallow our anger, we must not offend the white man, that we aren’t worthy of luxury or wealth, joy; we overwhelmingly belief that we are undeserving of something as basic as love. 

Some of us in the last few decades have broken the chains, we have changed our beliefs and we are beginning to believe, deep down in our souls, that we are deserving of wealth and abundance, that we are not inherently unworthy creatures like our forefathers and mothers were forced to believe.  Regrettably, we have also acquired a gross materialism and capitalistic narcissism, a replication of the pathologies of the greed and the obliviousness of white people who think the universe owes them, that they are deserving for no other reason than having breath in their lungs.  I’m working diligently on changing my own core beliefs, I’m determined to see myself as worthy of the best that life has to offer.  The psychological chains of slavery are still not broken, they are heavy and burdensome and suffocating.  Most of us still are imprisoned by the chains that we are only as good as the crumbs that have been thrown to us, that we will only know peace and joy when we die.  WE MUST CHANGE OUR CORE BELIEFS.  We must FEEL worthy deep down in our hearts and souls.  We must start to believe that we are inherently deserving of wonderful things, of success and peace and abundant and over-flowing blessings. 

And so it is. 

Sensu-Soul Video

Action: Two beautiful people are snuggled on the sofa, sharing in each other’s time, space, dreams, and love.  They vibe off each other, they complement each other, they desire each other.  What makes this scene different is that the man and woman are graced with the kisses of warm, rich hues of ebony upon their skin.  It was their ancestors who survived dehumanizing slavery so that their descendents could live and thrive and love.  And love they do, but it’s not a rushed, clichéd formulaic love, it’s tender, purposed, sensual, and it’s soulful.  It’s Sensu-Soul. 

Captured in beautiful high-def clarity and stunning visual imagery, rarely seen in adult offerings, Sensu-Soul is the groundbreaking, TRULY erotic feature that explores Black love, in a way that is sure to set your libido on fire.  Play the role of voyeur as you watch some of the most passionate, titillating, intimate, and romantic expression of intimacy and seduction ever witnessed.  This is the love of true Gods and Goddesses, of Kings and Queens, of brothas and sistas.  Sensu-Soul is hot, sweaty, fevered passion that can only come as the result of the most purposed, skillful seduction. 

Every Black woman will be unable to take her eyes off this video, entranced by the attention, affection, and outrageous tenderness lavished upon someone who looks just like them, with full lips and round hips and brown skin.  Every Black man will use this video to learn the techniques of seduction, romance, and how to please a woman.  People of all races will be aroused and stimulated by the pure, raw, uninhibited sensuality of two exquisite specimens of brown beauty displaying passion like artisans of sensuality.  Unlike most Black adult videos, in Sensu-Soul there is no use of the word bitch, ho, freak, ghetto, pimps, playaz, and especially not the N word.  There is no slapping, choking, gagging, no degrading facials, no booty shots, and no cheap motel room. Sensu-Soul is pure, sophisticated, Ebony erotica. 

Cheating

I was married for a brief period of time so long ago I sincerely don’t remember when I got divorced. I think it was 93 or 94 but it someone showed me my divorce decree (which I have NO idea where mine is) and it said 95 I wouldn’t be shocked.  We were married in 89 and we separated in 91.  When the actual divorce was finalized is beyond me however. 

The reason my ex-husband and I separated is because he cheated on me.  The entire marriage was unhealthy but of the four years we were together, two years were good, two were extremely horrible.   Oddly enough they weren’t consecutive years.  My ex-husband was a pathological liar (a theme that has been consistent in my partners throughout my life) and he was emotionally abusive.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say that he trained under my mother because he was the male (extremely handsome) version of her. 

I put him out the first time he cheated.  I had told him from day one, “Don’t cheat. If you feel like you want to have sex with someone else, come to me FIRST.  Let’s talk about it, let’s figure out if it’s just a physical attraction, if you are unhappy in the relationship, let’s get to the source of your feelings BEFORE you cheat.  Once you cheat, our trust is destroyed and I can never trust you again.  All I ask is that you let me leave the relationship with my dignity before you decide to cheat.”  Apparently, those instructions were too complicated for him to grasp because he cheated anyway. 

I put him out the first time I found out he cheated.  Apparently, he had been cheating with a woman almost the entire time of our relationship but that was not the woman I found out about.  There was no room for negotiation, no need for counseling at that point.  My mother was a mistress all my formative years and I saw first-hand how deceptive men could be when they were cheating.  I was willing to tolerate the emotional abuse but cheating was my hard limit.  Clearly, he had no desire to be married to me any longer because he broke my one cardinal rule. 

I wasn’t enlightened at the time.  I wasn’t at all self-aware or introspective.  I was intelligent by nature but I hadn’t explored, read, studied, or research 1/10^th of the things I’ve done in the decades since I put him out.  I hadn’t examined my own issues nor had I decided that I needed to work on or heal myself from my childhood traumas.  I couldn’t even have admitted to myself that I had childhood traumas at the time because I was still of the, “My mother beat me and I turned out fine,” mindset.  I had low self-esteem but I would have told you at the time that it was high.  I was average.  I was still relaxing my hair and an unquestioning Christian.  I was not at all the evolved and conscious person I am today. 

I said all of that to say this.  I didn’t cheat on him to pay him back.  I didn’t take him back and forgive him time and time again.  I didn’t stalk the woman he cheated with and try to make her life hell.  For as average and mediocre as I was at the time, I didn’t do any of the classically dysfunctional things so many average and mediocre people do.  I had my hard and fast limit and when he crossed it, I ended things succinctly and I didn’t look back.  I found out he cheated and he packed his things that day and he was gone.  There was a brief period, or about a month and a half, more than a year after we separated that we tried to reconcile and he told me how he was going to therapy and how much he was going to be a better man for me.  Turns out he was cheating on me with two other women during the reconciliation.  I confronted him, with one of the women as soon as I found out, and I have never seen him since. 

I’ve been divorced over twenty years (I think).  Cheating and adultery is entertainment these days when it wasn’t back then.  Cheating is so commonplace these days, people don’t even see it as a hard limit, they expect cheating in the relationship.  The same people who are cheaters are offended and outraged when their partner is cheating on them.  I simply can’t be that dysfunctional.  I can’t allow that much drama in my life.  If you don’t want me, fine, move on and let me move on.  I’m not for every one, I get that.  I do, however, bust my ass to make my relationships work, even more so now than I did when I was in my 20s and stupid.  If you don’t value, cherish, appreciate, and love me enough to work at our relationship, if you find someone else more appealing, cool, go pursue a relationship with her and I’m going to make space in my life for more healing and introspection. 

If people today no only don’t set hard and fast limits about cheating, but they lie and cheat and deceive their partners, if they are having internet relationships, texting relationships, if they are having sexual relationship with other people while supposedly committed to someone how can any relationships ever be healthy?  If you can turn on the TV and see a dozen shows at any giving time about cheating how on earth are you ever going to say to yourself that you won’t cheat, let alone that you will end the relationship at the first sign of cheating?  I think cheating, revenge cheating (Is that a thing?  I’m sure there’s a name for it) and the acceptance of cheating is so commonplace that even the long lasting relationships are victims of it.  How can we ever get to a place of having healthy relationships ever again? 

I have lots of ideas of how to show people healthier models of relationships (and I’m fully acknowledging that I’ve never had a healthy relationship other than in my mind) but people are so desperate to hold on to their dysfunction they don’t want to listen.  (I feel like the word dysfunction is my most used word).  Black culture promotes cheating.  TV promotes cheating.  Music promotes cheating.  And here I am, little ole me, trying to beat the drum of emotional maturity.  I don’t think anyone hears it.