I asked the question yesterday to
married Black women, “Why is it that far too many Black men complain to me that
their wives are unwilling to even show them the basic level of affection, let
alone passion in their marriage, that sex seems to be the last priority on the
list for their wives.” Almost all the
women who have responded have said that their husbands treat them poorly or
don't help out around the house and that they just don't feel motivated to have
sex. That is certainly
understandable. If men can’t take out
the trash without being asked or they can’t help out with the children, if they
expect everything to be done for them and then want sex, they are selfish and
immature and a woman can’t be expected to have or want sex in those
circumstances. OR, the women have said
that they were raised to have sex with their husbands as a wifely obligation
and they do it regardless of whether they want it or not. That’s some
oppressive, archaic thinking to say the least.
It is not a woman’s JOB to please her man. Sex is a form of communication, intimacy, and
a show of love. It’s not something a
woman should do because she thinks she has some biblical obligation.
I think there is a third group of
women NOT responding. I think the vast
majority of Black married women who have not responded think that talking about
sex in a public forum is beneath them, vulgar.
I think that they are the women who have set the rules for sex in their marriages
and it has nothing to do with their husbands treating them poorly or not
contributing around the house; it has to do with them seeing sex as something
you do to get a man and not something you do to keep him. It appears to me that quite a few Black women
feel that they are entitled to the house, the car, the social standing and that
raising the children and volunteering at church takes priority over intimacy,
communication, and sexuality. I think
(again, based on my keen powers of observation, nothing more) that most married
Black women are very disconnected from any sort of healthy sense of sexuality.
I suspect that it is a
combination of things that has caused our married relationships to go terribly
awry. First, women, most black women
feel that marriage is about men conforming to their demands, not a give and
take, not about compromise, not about cooperation. Somewhere along the way, we as Black women
were taught that we as women make the final decisions (regardless of that
"man being the head of the household" thing we LOVE to espouse) and
that men must conform and change to meet our wills and that's that. Final
answer. No room for discussion. It is the natural byproduct of being raised
by single mothers who were hurt by no good men and overbearing mothers who wore
the pants as they say in the relationship.
I think that most Black women feel that once they get the man, the ring
on their finger, the work they need to do to keep him is done. I say most because clearly there are some
older women who feel that it's their job to please their man, that they have to
put his needs first, etc. That doesn't
seem to be the case with most women less than 45 years old. They seem (and I'm only basing this off my
observations, not empirical evidence) to put more value in social
appearances. It's more important to put
more emphasis into job, kids, church, and community than husband.
Second, it appears as if men
aren't very good lovers. They aren't
tender, or romantic, they have no clue what the word seduction means. It appears they haven't altered their
technique since they started having sex.
They use the same methods they learned at 17 and they think that makes
them "super lovers." I think
most women enjoy that fast and furious fuck when they are dating but they want
and need more as they mature, as the relationship evolves from infatuation to
love and don't even have the vocabulary to ask for more or different once
they've been in the relationship. They
don't want to say, "Hey, you know, for the past 10 years you've been
sucking on my clit (or, God forbid, you don't even know where it is) and I
don't really like it like that."
They don't know how to say, "Could you do me a favor and just give
me a massage and cuddle with me and have some foreplay without having to have
the night end in you humping me like a dog in heat?" Every man I've ever spoken to is convinced
he's a great lover. That is NOT the
case. In fact, that is rarely the
case. Most men think that what they see
in porn is good sex. Most men can't even
comprehend that the same routine of a little kissing, eating pussy, and then sticking
it in is not enough variety to keep a woman satisfied. I know personally I've had to tell men,
"Hey, I told you, I don't like it like that," several times because
they automatically go back to doing things they way they've always done them
and they think it will work for every woman.
I can't imagine that most women can tell their husbands anything like that
because they will look at her like, "It's been working all these years,
what are you talking about?" I’m
not even convinced most women KNOW what will feel good, let alone, know how to
communicate it to their husband of several/many years.
I think the solution to this is
so complex, so multi-faceted that is seems insurmountable. The fact that only 30% of our community is
married seems unbelievable. First, we
have to get women to understand that sexuality is important, it is essential to
the survival of any relationship, that it's not dirty nor should it be an
obligation. We must get them to see that
it is a vital part of the foundation of marriage and that it's something to be
enjoyed, not looked at as a chore. We
have to heal women's psyches. We have to
dismantle this concept that, "I'm the woman and you do what I say and
there's no discussion." How we do
that? I don't know. All the facets of society are in place for
things to stay the way they are.
Everything about our culture is constructed for women to see sex as a
tool to get a man and they think (wrongfully so it seems) that controlling
that, or rather withholding sex is a perfectly viable option once they have
walked down the aisle.
Then we need to address men's
concepts of sex. That's much
easier. I can do that with my work, with
my stories. I can show men how to
seduce. They've never seen romance,
seduction, tenderness before. They've
never been taught to please a woman before.
YESSSS, I know, I know fellas.
Your mother's best friend/the neighborhood lesbian/your super horny
girlfriend taught you how to please a woman and you KNOW that you are a good
lover. No sweetie. Some sexually abused woman was taking out her
dysfunction with you and think that what you learned then is written in stone
and will please every woman. You have
to remember and understand that the vast majority of women have been raised on
porn these days and they have been socialized to think that yelling and
screaming calling you big daddy and being called a dirty slut is what sex is
all about. It’s not. And regardless of the number of women you
think you've pleased, if your wife isn't climbing all over you to get the dick,
you aren't doing what it takes to get the most important woman to her special
moment.
The good news is, that there are
healthy, loving, Black relationships where people are expressing themselves,
sharing, communication, cooperating and having fantastic sex. We need to hold those relationships up as
models. Unfortunately, the people who
are in healthy, intimate relationships shouldn’t go around bragging about
them. I can work at writing the types of
erotica that show healthy relationships between Black couples. I can create videos that teach men how to
make love. Healing these issues is going
to take a lot of work. Work that I don’t
think we are ready to tackle as a society.
It’s messy and unpleasant. No man
wants to hear that they aren’t a good lover when he’s spent the majority of his
life thinking that he is. I don’t know
many Black women who want to hear that they have to give up control, be more
vulnerable, compromise more. Regardless,
I’m going to try. It is my mission to
heal Black relationships.
Scottie Lowe 2012
