Is it a Question of LOVE?

I was asked to answer the following questions on love because, supposedly, I’m a thinker. Here are the questions and my responses.

1. What is love (to you)?
Love is a feeling, an emotion, a state of being where you care for someone else’s well-being, you care about their feelings, you want to make them happy, see them happy, you don’t mind sacrificing for them.

2. What is IN love (to you)? I don’t differentiate the terms love and in love simply because I don’t think there’s any quantifiable way to define how much one loves another person. We use the words love for family and friends and people we don’t want to have sex with and we use the words in love for someone to whom we are romantically attracted. I don’t love the little boy I baby-sit for any more or less than I once loved his father. Most people would get upset if I were to say that I was in love with a child but my level of emotion, concern, and the depth of my feelings is on par with the love I’ve felt for grown men. I want to see him smile, I look forward to seeing him, I miss him when he’s not here, I think of things to do for him that will make him happy. Those are the exact same things I once felt for his father. Because I have no sexual feelings for him, society says I’m not “in love” with him. I say society needs to separate romantic love from “other” love because we are so sexually repressed, because we don’t teach people how to love, only what it is to be loved. I LOVE my sister and I don’t think I’ve seen her more than a half a dozen times in my life. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on her, she was a grown woman . The feeling of wanting her to be happy and healthy, of wanting to protect her . . . it still brings tears to my eyes. I’m in love with her. My love for her is active and growing and alive.

3. Have you or anyone you know, mistaken LOVE for IN LOVE? If the assumption is that being “in love” is somehow real and true and that to only “love” someone means that the love is superficial or doesn’t have as much substance or validity as being “in love” then I reject the terms. I have fallen in love with men who I’ve later been repulsed by. I’ve loved men who have not deserved my love. I’ve loved men who have fooled me into thinking they were someone that they were not. I love men whom I once cared for deeply but have no romantic feelings for currently. Love can grow and evolve, the depth of one’s feelings can change and transform. Love is real. The baggage we apply to it is what makes it appear false.

4. Is conditional love natural or can it be inherited? I think conditional love is a manifestation of selfishness. Conditional love is only loving someone if they love you a certain way, if they only fulfill your needs in a way that is pleasing to you. That is a creation of a society that teaches people to love themselves, to only look out for number one. I think we teach our children conditional love by beating them, by withholding love from them when they misbehave, by not showing them healthy examples of love. I think conditional love is a sickness we’ve inherited from a society that is spiritually bereft.

5. Why is love so complicated when it suppose to be the most simplest of all acts and feelings? We live in a society of fear. We fear that if we love someone and we don’t get that love returned, that we have to hurt them back. We live in a society that teaches us how to be loved, to enjoy the feelings of someone treating us special but we don’t learn how to make someone else feel special. Love is complicated because we are taught models of love from our mothers and fathers, who most often were not together, who fought, who didn’t love each other, and who brought a whole host of other emotional issues to the table when they did. Love is difficult because it leaves us vulnerable and that is scary. Love is difficult because it takes work. Love is difficult because we fall in love with money and looks and superficial things that have nothing to do with true emotion and feeling. It’s hard to find love because first we need to love ourselves, and to do that, we have to take the bandage off our emotional wounds and really heal them and that hurts.

6. Is 'material' love a bad thing? If yes, then how can we 'de-love' it? If by material love, you mean love of things, I think that is purely a manifestation of Eurocentrism. Almost all indigenous, brown people loved the land, they loved their people, and they loved the Creator more than they loved things before the influence of Europeans. The importance of things, outside trinkets, stuff, money, belongings that give people a false sense of worth seems to stem from the people who think that they can take land, kidnap and kill people, steal possessions as their god-given right. The only way I can imagine to de-love material things is to see ourselves as truly spiritual beings, the way God intended us to be. If God is love, then all we are is love. If love is truth, then material things are the lie.

7. Is there really such a thing as self-love? (take your time on this one) I have to wonder why this question was posed as such. It seems to indicate that self-love is perhaps fictional or delusional. Self-love is not needing validation from someone or something else, it is holding yourself to a higher standard than others around you would. Self-love is making sure you don’t put yourself in harmful, dysfunctional situations. Self-love is very real. It is knowing yourself, your triggers, your weaknesses, it’s knowing everything about yourself, the good and the bad, and being comfortable in your own skin.

Introspective Questions

The Internet has dumbed people down. Society in general fosters emotionally immature behavior. Here is your opportunity to really think about your life, your loves, your passions and reflect on your feelings. The challenge is not to give the briefest answers, you don't even have to answer them all at one time, but look at this as an opportunity to really grow.

Brought to you by AfroerotiK


1. What was the most damaging event in your life that gave you a negative self-image?

2. What patterns from your parents have shown up in your adult relationships?

3. What is one personality flaw you wish you could completely erase from your life?

4. I feel very insecure when . . .

5. I feel profound joy when . . .

6. My mission in life is . . .

7. My most memorable love-making experience was . . .

8. How have your belief systems, practices and behaviors evolved from your parents?

9. What’s the most important thing you want your children to know about you after you’re dead?

10. What talent or ability do you possess that makes you different from your peers?

11. How are you different from the person you were 20 years ago?

12. Define what intimacy means to you.

13. What movie had the most impact on how you see the world?

14. You have the opportunity to go back in time and apologize to someone you hurt. What would you say?

15. If your ideal, dream life is a 10, how would you rate your life TODAY in comparison?

16. What song or recording artist moves you emotionally?

17. If you could make love to one person, one time only, who would it be?

18. What did you do wrong in your most significant relationship?

19. Do you regret giving your virginity to the person you did?

20. Describe yourself in 5 words.

36 Questions for People Who Are a Bit More Seasoned!

36 Questions for People Who Are a Bit More Seasoned!

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? Here's 36 questions for those of us who are a bit more seasoned!


1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

I don’t hate paying any bills. I used to hate when I wasn’t able to pay a bill, but now, I don’t let it bother me and I pay when I can pay.

2. Do you miss being a child?

Not even a little bit. I had a miserable childhood.

3. Chore you hate the most?

Washing dishes. Honestly, I could be outside doing yard work all day long. I don’t mind fixing things, I enjoy cleaning – it gives me a sense of accomplishment, I’m cool with every chore EXCEPT washing dishes. I dread standing at that sink every day. Oddly enough, I wash dishes at my grandfather’s house with no problem. My house, I shed a little tear every day when I have to wash dishes. In fact, I have a sink full of dishes right now in my kitchen.

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

Does cooking a romantic dinner for someone count? I’ve cooked many a romantic dinner for men in my life. Actually going out to a romantic dinner . . . Let’s see. When I was in college, my boyfriend Dennis Fanning and I used to go to this Italian restaurant called The Family. It was like the place we went to celebrate our special occasions. It was hardly romantic but at the time, I thought it was. How pathetic that the last romantic dinner I went to was when I was 20 years old.

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

When my mother was beating me, and telling me how much she hated me, when she was telling me that I’d never be anything in life, I would block her out and not let those messages sink into my subconscious mind.

6. Name of your first grade teacher?

Ms. Bowling

7.What do you really want to be doing right now?

I would love to be in Kenya, tending my organic garden, with my husband and child.

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?

A Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader or an archeologist.

9. How many colleges did you attend?

Two, one undergraduate and one graduate.

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

It has a hood on it and it was raining outside and I don’t have an umbrella.

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?

Gas companies are making billions of dollars of profit. If they were to make millions of dollars profits rather than billions, and gas was cheaper, everyone would be happy. Unfortunately, capitalism breeds greed and oil companies can’t be happy making millions.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?

I haven’t used an alarm clock in YEARS. The only time I set an alarm is when I have to be at the airport at some ungodly hour in the morning. Otherwise, I just tell myself to wake up at a certain time and I do.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?

Honestly and truthfully, it was a morbid/depressed contemplation of who would really miss me if I died.

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

Jesse L. Martin

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

Nope, I had a fender bender once but that wasn’t my fault.

16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?

Volunteering is a part of who I am, regardless of income or employment.

17. Get up early or sleep in?

Depends on how late I was up the night before. Usually, it’s get up early. Sleeping late is never past 9 o’clock.

18. What is your favorite cartoon character?

Don’t have a favorite cartoon but when I was a kid, my favorite Saturday morning TV show was the one with Isis. “Oh Mighty Isis! Zephyr wings which blow on high, lift me now so I can fly.”

19. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy/girl?

You’re joking right? I’m AfroerotiK.

20. When did you first start feeling old (but never too old for this $#!@)?

Coming to the realization that I will never have children of my own has been a bitch. I’m still trying to process it. It’s not only made me feel old, but it’s made me fear my morality, which I’ve not done previously.

21. Favorite lunch meat?

Meat?

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?

Gardening stuff. I LIVE in the home and garden department. In the winter, I go to the home and garden department and just stand there and pretend it’s Spring.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

I think people who are trying to prevent people from getting married because of their sexual preference are outdated.

24. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I know every word to every song.

23. Favorite drink?

A drink I made up. An Afrotini – Vanilla Vodka, Kahlua, Bailey’s, and cream.

26. Who[m] from high school would you like to run in to?

Darren Davis, just for closure. ( I know, I know, it’s been a million years, I should have closure by now) I think I just want him to acknowledge that he treated me like shit.

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?

WYPR, Your Public Radio out of Baltimore. I never turn from it in my car. I never even turn from it on Saturdays when they have all those corny folk music game shows.

28.Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?

I’ve never seen one single episode of either.

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?

Loving Emmanuel Bell for so freakin’ long.

30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?

n/a

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?

I’m ashamed to admit that I wouldn’t even know how to use a fire extinguisher in an emergency. Maybe that’s something I should look into learning.

32. Last book you finished reading?

Voracious reader that I am, I don’t think I’ve read an entire book since last summer. I couldn’t even tell you what book it was. Oh, it was Randall Robinson, the one about quitting America.

33. Do you have a teddy bear?

No.

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?

You mean brush your teeth without a sink? I’ve brushed my teeth in a hotel room that didn’t have a sink in the bathroom, it only had a kitchenette sink. I don’t know if that qualifies as strange because if the hotel room had a bathroom sink, I would have brushed my teeth in there. I can’t brush my teeth without water.

35. Do you go to church?

No.

36. How old are you?

42

AfroerotiK Interview

http://www.blackfunk.org/funk/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=203

I was asked a set of 10 essential questions regarding my perspectives on life, love, and sex.

Check it out!

Question

The book that I've been trying to get published for the past three years is still nothing more than a bunch of word documents on my computer. IMHO, it's some of the very best writing I've ever done. I've been pretty stubborn about the fact that I MUST include the chapters that show gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered sex in the same book as the straight stories because I want ALL people of color to feel validation, to see themselves in a postive sexual light. Would you buy a book of erotic stories and photography if it included 10 chapters of images you found arousing and one or two chapters that you weren't aroused by? I'd love to know your opinion.