This post is for women in relationships with men who have difficulty being honest, who are pathological liars.
When your man lies, you have to REMEMBER that he is holding in a fear so deep, so profound that he can't identify it or articulate it. His subconscious mind has convinced him that he has to lie or there will be catastrophic consequences. It's his belief. You can't change that by yelling at him. You can say that it's not your responsibility to heal his wounds but if you love him, you have to show him the same consideration, respect, and patience you want shown to you when you are trapped in your childhood trauma. You have childhood trauma. We all do. You and he might not have the same childhood traumas, you might not have the same reactions to your triggers, but you are both wounded children acting out in the best way you know how and you both think it's the best way to do it.
You have to provide a safe space for him to be honest, where he feels loved and protected and he KNOWS that you won't abandon him.
The next time you catch him in a lie, you are going to go back into your pattern, you are going to assume that he understands that telling the truth is simple. In his mind, telling the truth means that you will see him as a bad person and not love him.
When you catch him in a lie, even if you blow up at him, even if you launch into rage and anger and frustration at him, you will eventually calm down and then, go to him. Run a bath, light some candles, and hold him in your arms. No talking. You're going to say that you don't want to hold him, that you're mad at him, that you have no desire to show him romance or sensuality. You have to fight past that feeling of wanting to emotionally hurt him for hurting you.
Hold him. Bathe him. Sing to him. Stroke him and tell him that you love him and you simply want him to tell you the truth and you won't be mad a him, no matter how bad it is.
Get him aroused. Make him associate telling the truth with pleasure.
And when he tells you the truth, you MUST respond with love. You can get upset, you can be disappointed, but you can't respond by yelling at him or you will destroy the trust he has in you to be honest with you. You have to break the false belief in his mind that telling the truth will mean the world is going to come to an end.
It doesn't have to be a bath. You can sit on the sofa.
Get him erect, suck his dick, ride his dick, but all the while talk to him calmly and explain to him that if he can't be honest with you, that it's going to destroy your relationship and you need him to be honest. Tell him that no matter what his truth is, you want to be in a loving relationship with him and you need him to be honest in order for that to happen. Again, you have to get him to associate pleasure with telling the truth.
The first few times, he will hold back, he will hold on to the lies. He's not doing it to hurt you. He's not doing it destroy the relationship. He honestly and sincerely believes that he can't be honest with you and if you are invested in him and the relationship, you have to get him to a place where he feels comfortable telling you the truth.
Allow him to ask for the safe space. If he comes to you, wanting to be honest with you about something, create the space for him by pampering him, pleasuring him, letting him know that you are willing to do what your relationship needs to be stronger.
You can explain to him that after he is finished telling the truth, that you need time to process and to come to terms with what he said. Put a time limit on it. An hour, a day, but not longer than that. Don't emotionally abandon him while you process, keep him engaged in the process. Set a time to sit down and talk. If you blow up and get angry again, which will happen sometimes, remember your objective is to create a stronger relationship so you can apologize and try again. Show your ability to recognize that you have flaws and fuckups also.
If the lie is not a big deal, you can simply let it go and release it, do. Don't hold on to minor infractions.
If it's a big lie, if he's betrayed you and done something that hurts you, search your heart and soul and figure out if you can forgive him for being a human being who made a mistake based on the circumstances and childhood traumas he endured that formed his life experiences or if you need to protect yourself and move on from the relationship.
You have to keep your cool. If you push his buttons and make him feel like the scared kid who built up the lying mechanism, if you humiliate, degrade, or punish him for being honest you'll only push him further into lying.
If you can manage to create a safe space for your man to tell the truth, consistently, over time, you will be building a stronger relationship, healthier relationship.
Ultimately, that's what you want. You want a bond and a connection and a love that can weather any storm.
When you do that, when you create that safe space where your man can tell you the truth, you win. You beat the system that wants to keep you trapped in a nightmare of dysfunctional behaviors and pain that never gets healed.
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