Our Sexuality is Fucked

There are two very separate factions of Black folk. There is the "I'm a freak" faction, who claims sexual promiscuity is their birthright. They are the sexually immature, thinking that any bump and grind, with whomever, without connection or intimacy is all good. Mind you, most people who identify themselves as freaks don't do anything more sexually adventurous than anal sex and swinging and if you were to suggest something truly sexually adventurous, they would cry "NASTY". Then there are the sexually retarded, those Black folks who think that any discussion of sex is offensive, inappropriate, and disgusting. They are the ones who look at vulgar and offensive images of porn in private but are so ashamed of their sexuality that they deny that they even have sex in discussion. Both factions are disabled, neither perspective is healthy.

I had a friend who feigned indignation at my work, she was ashamed to tell her friends and associates what I did for a living. Mind you I WRITE about sex, I am not having sex for money. She would admonish me for being so open about discussions of sexuality but she would have unprotected sex with any man who showed interest in her and bought her a nice dinner. This isn't some ghetto chile, this is the bougiest of the bougie. She is also the same woman let me borrow her laptop only to have Ghetto Gaggers, anal fisting, and a whole host of other degrading websites in her bookmarks.

I have found that Black women in particular have been socialized to think of their bodies as commodities. We, as a culture, do not understand sensuality, seduction, intimacy, romance. We understand fucking. We understand money in exchange for sex. We get emotionless sex. Love is what we don't get. Communion is what we don't get. Men think they are great lovers because they give women multiple orgasms, when in fact, being a good lover is being honest, attentive, caring, nurturing, listening, being vulnerable.

Redefining Black Relationships

A good partner is one who puts the needs of their union above their own. One can't be a good husband or wife if choices and decisions are based on their own desires, wants, and preferences first and their partner is left to deal with the consequences come what may. The key to a good relationship is having two individuals with the same commitment to selflessness. A relationship can't work if one person is committed to the union and the other person is looking out for self. Once you are pair bonded, whether it be in marriage or not, you must stop living for yourself and live for the entity that has been created anew with your partner.

One should expect honesty from their partner, respect, concern, and a willingness to communicate. I don't think gender has anything to do with that. I think one is entitled to a partner who will not jeopardize one's safety or well-being for pleasure, greed, or narcissism. As far as traditional roles, I think they are dysfunctional and based on a sexist model that is only slightly better than the post-modern roles that reek of dysfunction and reign supreme today. A man is not entitled to sex or dinner on the table at a certain hour nor should he be allowed sexual transgressions in the name of "manhood." A woman is not entitled to money in exchange for her body nor to behave like some sassy stereotypical caricature where she can condemn, criticize, and nag simply because she has ovaries. Women should not be expected to be the primary care givers of children and men should not be expected to be the primary bread winners. Ideally, one's talents, abilities, and weaknesses should be weighed against the talents, abilities and weaknesses of one's partner and a mutual decision should be made as to how the roles and responsibilities should be divided. If my partner is the same gender as myself, then the same rules should apply. I personally think we've not seen a healthy model of Black relationships since before we were captured and enslaved. Adhering to "traditional" masculine and feminine roles is to assert that there is an inherent inequality to the sexes. The truly healthy model for relationships should be based on an equality of the sexes with a healthy reverence for the differences each gender brings to the table.