I’m Losing my Mind
There is something very unnatural about going without human contact for as long as I do. I haven’t had sex in almost 10 months and it’s making me go crazy. I’m not even horny as much as I am lonely. I want to be held, I want to be touched, I want to be made love to. I want to kiss. I would give anything to fall asleep in a man’s arms, to wake up and feel his hard erection pressing into my butt. I want to know that a man wants me, all of me, not just my body, not just my pussy but ME, Scottie. I wish I could say that this is the longest I’ve ever gone without sex but sadly, for the last 14 or 15 years of my life, I’ve made a habit of going years without sex. No one should ever have to do that; especially not repeatedly.
I feel handicapped, disabled, I feel like a friggin’ alien because I have no outlet for my sexuality, I have no opportunity for intimacy in my life. I’m convinced human beings shouldn’t go so long without having sex. There are those that tell me my standards are too high, that I should lower my standards in order to just have sex. I don’t want just sex, I want a man who wants me. Besides the fact that I have no desire to be pathetically average and have sex with just anyone, I demand a partner who meets my standards in order for me to be aroused. If I wanted someone’s husband, or someone who just wants to use me for sex who has no concern for me as a person, I could go outside, throw a stick, and hit 10 men who would fuck me. I want more than that.
There are those who insist that I’m attracting the wrong sorts of men because of some inherent flaw I have. Unfortunately, that ignores the fact that Black men are emotionally immature and, in many instances, unable to form healthy relationships with women because they devalue women as objects, they’ve not dealt with their own issues, that they are patriarchal, misogynist, sexist, and still holding on to diseased mindsets inherited from slavery. The constant need to blame women for not being healed enough to “attract” the right type of man does nothing but allow emotionally immature men to remain stagnant. Because Black men are unable to recognize my inherent beauty as a partner, as a human being, as more than something to fuck or control, I remain alone. Is that the only reason I’m alone, certainly not. I’m intimidating, I realize that. The pool of men I consider attractive is very small; this is not news to me. I am suggesting, however, that the pool of men who would be potential partners would be much larger if there weren’t such an inherent need of people to blame women for attracting the wrong sorts of men and not raising the bar for men to become better partners.
Insanity is not cute. I find myself crying at the most odd times, for the most bizarre reasons because I feel so empty inside. My body has forgotten what it is to feel penetration, to have a dick massage my pussy walls and make me feel pleasure. My nipples don’t remember what it is to be gently sucked and licked until I’m so wet I’m dripping. I can’t even masturbate anymore. I can’t even get wet; I’m divorced from my sexuality in a way that is unhealthy.
I’m 42 years old and I’m sexually handicapped. I don’t know how to be in a sexual situation with a man without playing all sorts of tapes in my head about what it is to be sexually liberated versus being a slut. I don’t know how to be confident and secure with expressing my sexuality without fear of being used or feeling like I’m going to burst into tears. That’s not right for a woman my age. I should be able to find a partner. I’m not saying I want a husband but it shouldn’t be so damned hard for me to find a companion. As sex positive as I try to be, I’m retarded in my own sexual expression because I am going out of my mind from loneliness.
4 comments:
I'm a 48 year old Black gay man. I could have written almost these exact same words. Your situation mirrors my own.
You are not alone. So much of the time I get so, so sad because I don't even entertain the idea of masturbation anymore because instead of having someone lick it up, I have to clean it up and there isn't anyone to even stroke my after glow and moan along with me. Like Michael Jackson's song says... "YOU ARE NOT ALONE..." unfortunately.
I am sorry that you feel so alone...
I would gladly be there to hold you and allow you to fall peacefully asleep in my arms.
Stay the course, and learn about yourself and what you need versus what you want...and then feed the needs.
OMG!!!! I feel you. It has only been a couple of months, but before that I was on a 5+ year drought. Even when I was with someone I was so sexually oppressed that I could not be myself. I have pulled out the toys only to put them back. I got some piercings, because I always wanted them in the past and decided not to because of realtionships. I too desire a man to first stimulate my mind then handle business on my body in that order. I am 42 and also could have written those exact words, as a matter of fact I want to one day invite you on my blog. I too find myself crying becasue I so yearn for that touch of a man, a real man, not just any man. Becasue of my past hurts I have raised my standards, not becasue I am better but because I deserve better, and I too keep attracting the same men, that tell me one thing but mean another. It seems that they ask the right questions but only hear part of my answer. I am just so freakin frustrated, that I find myself crying also. Shinobi said it best "learn about yourself and what you need versus what you want...and then feed the needs", but the pickings are so few and far between. I have lost my mind so much that like I said I am in exile, and just trying to find and learn myself at teh same time. You are not alone....
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