Introspection

introspection. a reflective looking inward : an examination of one's own thoughts and feelings

People are not introspective. They do NOT take the time to contemplate their own thoughts, feelings, and sensations or do extensive self-examination. Introspection requires that people are able to recognize where their thoughts, feeling, and sensations are flawed and where they need to change. While I stated that introspection is the foundation, the very first element in forming a healthy relationship, if people aren't wiling to be introspective, then they aren't willing to say that they have areas that need work. One must be able to take constructive criticism AND be able to admit when they are wrong in order to form a healthy relationship. I preach every day about being introspective.

It is this need to be defensive, this need to prove that you are right at all costs, that prevents us from growing and connecting. The imperative that drives us to grow emotionally is dangerously lacking in most individuals and that prevents the formation of healthy relationships. All the time and energy spent in trying to hold on to your position, without the benefit of introspection, is wasted ego and arrogance. We don't, as a people, understand how to be humble, nor do we understand what it is to acknowledge that we could be wrong. It is introspection itself that allows us the space acknowledge individuals that have more knowledge than ourselves, that can help us get to another space as human beings where we release our bullshit and move forward. If the skill of introspection is necessary to form healthy relationships, then it is the ability to take heed of people when they offer advice to help us grow and see our past behaviors as detrimental that is the sign of maturity that will help us form better relationships, both intimate and non-intimate.

Introspection allows you to differentiate between people who are criticizing you because they want to bring you down and people who are offering constructive criticism to help you be a better person. Introspection allows you to see that you aren't perfect and that there are areas of your life where you could use a little fine-tuning. Introspection allows you to silence that voice that needs to have the last word in an argument and to justify your behaviors.

Additionally, admitting that you are wrong is a related issue. Accepting constructive criticism is something that CAN be done without drama and without argument. It is a process of analyzing the advice of someone and getting to a place where you weigh the pros and cons of their input and making adjustments to your behavior based on your desire to grow. Admitting when one is wrong is something that is done after the argument, after the disagreement, when you've had a chance to reflect and see that you were being egotistical, that you weren't being receptive, that you made a mistake. How can a relationship succeed if you refuse to apologize when you are wrong? Apologizing is the healing salve that tells your partner that you respect them and that you want to give them the respect that is owed them. All too often, people think that they can never admit when they are wrong because it will mean that the other person is better, that there is somehow something flawed or defective in themselves. If you can never be wrong, and your partner can never be wrong, then your relationship is bound to fail.