When oh when will I learn? I’m 40 years old, essentially 41, and when it comes to men I’m like a child. Truth be told, I’m an idiot. I don’t understand men, I don’t understand their motivations, I don’t get why I’m so freakin’ stupid when it comes to the male gender.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in the hospital visiting my grandfather and I bumped into an old friend of mine. A very old friend in fact. He was the second person I ever had sex with . . . nearly 25 years ago. I was working at a radio station and he was the midday disc jockey. I lied to get the job and told them that I was 19 or 20 and being my height and as well spoken as I was; they hired me on the spot and took me under their wing. He taught me how to run the boards, produce shows, he made me get my radio license and, of course, we would fuck like bunnies. He was six years older than me so we were never really boyfriend and girlfriend but we were great friends nonetheless and remained so until I met my boyfriend in college. Good lord he was beautiful, and thinking back I remember thinking that he was out of my league because he was so gorgeous. We had loads of fun that wasn’t sexual because we connected on so many different levels.
Fast-forward to today, I ran into him and he recognized me IMMEDIATELY. I’m shocked that he remembered me and he goes on and on about how happy he is to reconnect, how he never forgot about me, how special I was and what an impression I made upon him. I’m trying to take it all in because to be honest, I’m still dumbfounded how he could have even recognized me because the last time I saw him I was 18 years old. We talk on the phone and he says he’s ready to settle down, he’s anxious to see if we can re-establish a relationship again, and can’t wait until we can go on a date.
All this time, I’m taking it easy. I’m not willing to rush into anything because he never knew me as an adult so he doesn’t know my politics, he doesn’t know my convictions and my passions. I wasn’t nappy when I was 16, I wasn’t a vegetarian, I didn’t even have a clue what Afrocentric meant. (In my defense, if there was such a word back then, it didn’t have the same meaning as it does today but the point is, I have an entire body of knowledge today that was totally foreign to me then.)
We go on a date. I have my guard up but he scores high and impresses me every step of the way. I’m grading him on the issues that are really important, and he’s passing with flying colors. He’s gained a little weight but he’s still gorgeous and his core values are comfortable with me, they just fit with mine. What got me most was that he was so connected to me from the past, he knew my family, he loved my family, he and I have a history that definitely tied us together more than the logical mind would have imagined. He was a perfect gentleman. His vision for a relationship mirrored mine. And to top it all off, he was into me. He wanted to be with me, in a relationship, and he wasn’t afraid of saying so. I sat at the dinner table across from him and saw his eyes light up when he was talking about what a future with me would be like. I TOTALLY felt like he was attracted to me on every level, spiritually, intellectually, mentally, socially, and sexually.
How could I have been so fucking wrong?
I couldn’t have asked for a more magical date. At the end of the evening, he invited me back to his place. My dumb ass KNEW not to go. I hadn’t had sex in two years. Hell, I hadn’t even been on a date in two years. I hadn’t even had a hug or a handshake with a man in more than two years. I knew my body was going to betray me and sure enough it did. While my mind was saying, “Scottie, get your black ass the hell outta here before things get too carried away,” my pussy was screaming, “Girl, it’s like riding a bike, you can do it.” Long story short, we had sex. I was scared the entire time and I never really gave myself to the experience fully because I kept saying, “I want the next time I have sex to be with the last person I’m ever going to have sex with in my life and I need to be SURE, I need to be 100% positive that this is the man I’m going to be with forever before we have sex.”
He said everything I wanted to hear. He told me how he wasn’t going to let me go again after finally meeting up after all this time. He made me feel safe and protected; he pleasured my body unselfishly while I didn’t give nearly as much in return. The thing is, I still was being cautious. I had my filter on and I would have bet hard cash money dolla dolla bills y’all that he was dead serious. I’ve had 3 cajillion men try to fuck me and say shit that they think I wanted to hear and I never fall for it. I know the, “My dick is hard and I’m going to say whatever I can to get it wet,” routine. He was saying things to me that had meaning, depth, that are really connecting with my spirit.
The next day, Sunday, I was busy all day and we spoke briefly and he reinforced how much he wanted me in his life. The following day, we touched base briefly but neither of us could really talk during the day so I asked him to call me Monday night, and I stressed to him that it was really important. I wanted to talk about HIV testing because we did have unprotected sex. I was still freaked out about the whole thing because I hadn’t even had a kiss in over two years and I was in his bed screaming for him to eat my ass like I was a crazy woman.
He didn’t call me back on Monday and I got a call on Tuesday morning. I answered the phone and I told him how happy I was to hear from him and that I was hoping to have heard from him the previous night because I did have something really important to discuss with him and that a 30 second call to let me know he was going to bed or busy or whatever would have been appreciated.
I heard, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, have a nice life.” CLICK.
It was a like a Cingular commercial where the person is talking and they don’t get a response. I was looking at the phone going, “What did he say? Did he say something about have a nice life?” I called him back because to be honest I almost thought that we had been cut off. He answered the phone and said, “Listen, I don’t have time for the third degree and I don’t communicate like that and I don’t want to see you anymore, have a nice life.” Again with the click.
Now, I know that he didn’t want to stop seeing me because I asked him why he hadn’t called me. I know there HAS to be another reason the same man who introduced me to his son, who couldn’t stop singing my praises about how wonderful I was would dismiss me so quickly. What’s that reason? I don’t have a fucking clue. I’ve had several men offer explanations and they all fall into the, “I’m going to make him look bad so I can get in your panties” category or the “everything men do can be explained away by saying, ‘ALL MEN ARE DOGS’” category.
He most certainly wasn’t a dog because he wouldn’t have scored so highly when I was asking him questions. He wasn’t a dog 25 years ago; he was a great guy. I know dogs; so saying that all he wanted to do was fuck me and kick me to the curb doesn’t float. He wanted to be with me in the worst way. In fact, he was more likely to think that I was out of his league today. Something scared him off and I don’t have a clue what it was but I know in my heart it had to be more than me saying that I wanted to talk to him.
Here I am, 40 years old and wanting closure from a man who obviously doesn’t give a shit about me. I haven’t heard from him in over a week and I doubt that he’ll call because he was so quick to write me out of his life. I don’t get it. I’m asking myself what was wrong with me, I’m playing over and over in my mind what the sex would have been like if I had let go completely and been uninhibited. I’m supposed to be so mature and evolved and I’m behaving like an idiot. I’m kicking myself for having unprotected sex AGAIN when I swore I wouldn’t do that unless we both got tested first. I feel like I’m 16 years old again. I feel hurt and betrayed. I’m beginning to doubt that I’m capable of forming a healthy relationship.
Scottie Lowe
6 comments:
Sister I'm truly sorry your experience turned out this way. My experience has been that I run into past men to test where my head is at right now. I think that's what happened to you. Also I think the male you dealt with has done this type of thing before with other women. I know you have a history with him but it appears he's changed for the worse. I notice you beat yourself up about the experience. Don't. You'll never win that game. Learn from the experience, lick your wounds and don't repeat the same mistake again. When will you learn? Right now if you choose to. You're not an idiot, just older. As for ever having a healthy relationship, you're preparing yourself now for one. Have you tracked this man down and begged for him to stay with you? No. Maya Angelou said it best, "When someone tells (or shows) you how they really are, listen to them." Iyanla Van Zant says that we must be willing to be wrong sometimes. This person has revealed his true self to you. Be glad that you know now instead of later. Idiot would be pursuing a relationship with this man knowing that he can be like this. I've always said when you get tired of an outcome, you do what must be done to change the situation. I would reccommend that you get tested though. I pray the result is negative.
I am so sorry you experienced this. I felt your pain as if I were the one going through it myself. This sort of thing his akin to emotional abuse. I know that you haven’t had sex in a while but next time take your time and don't expect anything from members of the opposite sex. In my opinion they are all predators who prey on a woman’s vulnerabilities. I hope and pray you get over this attack (cause that is what it is) soon. Go to counseling or do whatever it is you need to do to move on. My heart aches for you and remember what goes around comes around. Who knows with any luck maybe he'll get hit by a truck on his way to work....let's keep our fingers crossed.
We all make mistakes in life. Don't beat yourself up about doing what you did, being more mature about our outlook and convictions does not mean that we will be perfect in our conduct.
I think you are correct in that he this man got scared. He is scared of commitment and perhaps you. And you know this now rather than later. It's not you who proved to not be able to have a good relationships with people, it's him.
You're not stupid in this regard; in fact you seemed to have handled this situation quite intelligently. I know you feel hurt, I would, but don't let his actions make you think there is something wrong with you.
Scottie: From a brother's point of view: you have to be very careful when you traveling backwards in time. especially when it comes to old loves and sweetheart. Why are you so dissapointed of the result when it just popped up out of the blue. stop beating yourself up...it is what it is chalk it up for experience and lesson learned because it only cost you a minor hurt that will go away ...Just think it could have cost you your carreer, Business,life ...just think how bad it really could have been ......you've been knocked down but not knocked out ...go get your HIV test pray on it and go on.
Hey Sista Scottie,
No, you're not an idiot or any of the other things you beat yourself up with. The problem as I see it comes from making him more important than you, and not honoring your own truth. If you really want a committed partner, if you really don't want to have unprotected sex, then YOU have to honor that and not get swept away and "hope" that things turn out alright. You have to own your power in heated situations, or else have a "que sera sera" attitude and not invest any emotion or attach any significance to it. I've been where you are, sista, and you know what? Just like you, there was a point when my intuition told me to slow down and remember who I was and what I wanted, but I gave in to my emotions, and just like you I was devastated by the consequences. You're not stupid. You just didn't do the one thing that we as women must discipline ourselves to do: trust our feminine intuition, our inner truth, our spirit guides. Ask yourself why you didn't wait, what was the hurry? OWN YOUR POWER! Love, honor, respect and cherish yourself. Men sense it when we are double-minded and needy and they leave skidmarks like this brother did. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU DESERVE THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT AND BE WILLING TO WAIT UNTIL IT FEELS TOTALLY RIGHT IN YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR PUSSY!!!
I pray you heal and grow from this and trust yourself enough to be strong until the real thing comes along. And it will! I'm 50 and I've finally figured this out and now I have the man of my dreams. You will too.
Peace and Love,
Erzulie
Thank you so much for being open. I do agree with erzulie, you do have to see that you are the most important person in your world. Otherwise, when you do find the man that belongs to you, you will have thrown so many of your pearls to unworthy pigs that you won't have many left for him. Cherish yourself above all else.
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