Inside Me

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Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

Reclaiming our Goddess Sensuality w/Makeda Voletta 01/08 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Reclaiming our Goddess Sensuality w/Makeda Voletta 01/08 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Ladies, this show is for you.  Women have come to embrace derogatory, pejorative terms to define their sexuality, misogyny is a staple of our society, and the act of intimacy has been reduced to recreation.  We have internalized the pain of rape and abuse and it has shown up as fibroids and painful menses and a host of other female problems.  Join me as The Body Scientist, Makeda Voletta, shares her Divine feminine wisdom on healing our wombs physically, emotionally, and spiritually, embracing our Goddess energy, releasing the negativity we hold within us that prevents us from experiencing true bliss.  We are going to discuss the infamous jade egg and other practices that will strengthen and heal our sacred spaces and discuss what it means to be an empowered, sexual being. 

America is too racially immature for a movie like Django

It was after much contemplation and serious debate that I made the decision to go see the Quentin Tarantino movie, Django Unchained, this past weekend.  Having majored in African and African American studies in grad school and having done more than my fair share of research and study about chattel slavery in the US and its effects on the collective consciousness of African Americans, I decided that I would go see the movie upon which so much controversy has been brewing and decide for myself if the movie had any merit beyond “entertainment”.  It is a movie, and by default, its purpose is to make people suspend reality for a couple of hours and get lost in a world of make believe, so, with that in mind, and having weighed the pros and cons, I set out to see for myself what all the hype was about.

Prior to seeing the movie, I was very much aligned with the Spike Lee camp of detractors who were pretty outraged that a white person would dare to tell the story of slavery.  Having only seen one movie by Mr. Tarantino previously, I was not impressed with his cultural sensitivity to the Asian people and wasn’t expecting much more than a gross/cartoonish depiction of the horrors my ancestors endured.  I can say without reservation that Django unchained offered THE most accurate depiction of slavery I’ve ever seen in a non-documentary film.  Hats off to Mr. Tarantino for not only doing his homework about what slaves had to endure but also kudos to him for grasping and interpreting the dynamics of race relations that very few people, white or black, seem to be able to comprehend. 

Much has been made about his excessive use of the N word.  I, personally, don’t ever use the word unless it is in the most academic of discussions.  I do not think it has been morphed into some sort of term of endearment and I fully recognize its impact when said in front of white people.  My ancestors bled and died at the base of that word so I refuse to casually throw it around out of respect to them.  The Black people who do use it, especially those who feel comfortable using it in front of other races, are largely ignorant of the impact of the word or the origins and stigmas attached to it.  Black people today use it because, for centuries, that’s what we were called and that’s all we knew ourselves to be.  The messages passed down generationally haven’t changed one bit and its use today is almost exactly as it was intended to be used during slavery.  That being said, there was not one instance in the movie where the N word was used inappropriately.  It was used in the exact context and frequency that it was used during slavery.  The theater I went to see the movie at was predominantly white and movie goers laughed and chuckled at the use of the word, largely out of nervous discomfort and I suspect because that’s the way they use the word in private conversations and they were rattled by its free/uninhibited use.  One can only assume they felt a certain level of comfort being around other whites and confident that the Black movie goers more than likely use the word so frequently there was no fear of reprimand or riot.  What the movie did was create an atmosphere of acceptance of the word whereby whites could go home and discuss the movie and casually throw the word around without respect or reverence for its impact. 

The gentleman who sat next to my boyfriend apparently thought EVERYTHING in the movie was funny.  He laughed incessantly throughout the entire film.  It took every ounce of strength in my body not to take my shoe off and beat his ass to a bloody pulp.  I was so outraged, so angry that I seethed and burned with hatred for him.  His insensitivity and callous disrespect made me see red.  My boyfriend, who is not of African descent, didn’t seem to take issue with him whatsoever.  He saw my discomfort and he ignored it.  He didn’t ask me if I was okay, he didn’t tell the guy to shut the FUCK up, he felt the white man had a right to respond in whatever what he wanted and that I just had to suck it up.  Had I been laughing throughout a Holocaust movie inappropriately, the usher, the manager, and a half a dozen movie goers would have insisted that I leave.  Had I been with a Black man, he would have insisted that the guy shut up and put the fear of God in him.  Again, I have no doubt in my mind that we would have asked to leave the theater, not the man who disrupted and ruined the experience for me.  It just proves that today, as in slavery, that if you’re white, you’re right, if you’re black, stay back.  Not much has changed since slavery.  The feelings, opinions, and personhood of Black people is insignificant to that of whites. 

I do not watch violence as a rule so a great portion of the movie I spent with my eyes closed.  Tarantino made a shoot ‘em film with carnage galore.  I can’t imagine that the gun violence was any greater than most movies but the most chilling scenes were the ones where the violence was an accurate of what slave life was like.  The slave being ripped apart by dogs, the Mandingo fights to the death, and the brutal rape, whippings, torture, branding, and abuse of slaves was chilling and accurate.  Movie goers don’t get that.  To them, it was all a part of the entertainment, made up. 

There is much that movies goers, both white and black, are too uninformed/ignorant to get.  Samuel L. Jackson’s role was one that depicted the relationship of the house nigger to the master.  Because our conversations about race in this country are so superficial and juvenile, the understanding of how a slave with the consciousness of a Stephen could exist.  Left to their own devices, moviegoers will assume that he was a self-serving, back-stabbing slave with an agenda to better himself and control/destroy all the other slaves.  In reality, house slaves were the creation of slave masters and their allegiance was part and parcel of the system of slavery that needed slaves pitted against one another for its survival. 

With the exception of the white protagonist, white people in the movie were depicted as stupid, outrageously cruel, and one-dimensional.   They were lazy, treated slaves with despicable inhumane torture and were nonchalant and flippant about using their property, HUMAN BEINGS, for whatever deviant purpose their puny brains could conjure.  Slave owners were just that. 

There are many more aspects of the movie that could be dissected, examined, and discussed but, unfortunately, America is too racially immature to have any such discussions.  White people are insistent upon inflecting the comment, “I’m not racist,” “Slavery was in the past, let it go,” or, “Can’t we all just get along,” into every conversation about race.  They control conversations about race with their ignorance and refusal to learn, accept a different point of view, and their thinly-veiled racist beliefs.  How many white people watched that movie and went home to watch interracial porn where the N word is thrown around like rice at a wedding?  How many white people who say the movie routinely refer to Obama as a nigger and go on rants online where they hide behind a computer screen to espouse racist beliefs?  If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times.  White people have to wear a sheet, burn a cross, and run around screaming, “I hate niggers,” before another white person will dare to imply that they MIGHT be racist. 

Black people are just as misguided.  Black people think the movie represents some form of revenge, a win for Blacks as it were.  Bullshit!  That part was fiction.  The concept of a Black man being a gun-wielding bad-ass and able to ride off into the sunset with his lady love is more like science fiction.  But Black people are so willing to embrace that “feel good” dynamic of the movie because we don’t want to face our shame and humiliation at being connected to a slave past.  EVERYONE wants to assume that they would be the one slave in 10,000 who would revolt and kick ass and take names later.  The truth of the matter is, slaves were subservient and bred to be docile and millions upon millions of slaves conformed to the rules in order to live, to survive, because they didn’t know any other way.  Black people are terrified to acknowledge a connection to a slave past because they feel as if recognizing the impact of slavery on themselves means that they are by default inherently inferior. 

It won’t be until we can have an intelligent, informed, comprehension about slavery, race, and all its many, messy complexities that a movie like Django will be effective.  For now, we are painfully diseased and incapable of having a dialogue about slavery/racism that goes beyond any more than cliché and rhetoric.  Django was created with the potential to create an amazing dialogue about race but sadly, the nation just isn’t ready for that. 

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

Women Rock!

Q&A with Jessica Holter of The Punany Poets 12/26 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Q&A with Jessica Holter of The Punany Poets 12/26 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

On Friday, December 28^th, 2012, Scottie Lowe of AfroerotiK and Jessica Holter of The Punany Poets will join forces for the very first time to bring you a night of sensational erotica at The Crucible in Washington DC.  Join the BTR discussion as these two very powerful women of erotica give their insights, thoughts, and feelings about all things erotic and share some poetic teasers of what the night will bring.  And for those lucky enough to make it to the show on the 28th, they will see the premiere of Sensu-Soul, the hot Black erotic video that is creating quite a buzz. 

Race Play and the Kink Community 12/22 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Race Play and the Kink Community 12/22 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Historically, the power dynamics between Master and slave are very clear.  It’s argued that in the context of BDSM, the lines are blurred.  Some suggest that it is the submissive who yields all the power.  When the elements of race are added, things get even more complicated.  In race play, some Blacks want to be submissive to whites, they want to be called nigggers and coons and jungle bunnies and be degraded for their race.  Conversely, there are whites who crave being submissive to Blacks, being made to assume the role of the slave, humiliated, degraded, and seemingly made to atone for the sins of their forefathers.  We are going to discuss all of it, what it means, the implications, and the ramifications.  Everyone’s voice is welcome during this scandalous conversation. 

 

 

"Oh, the shame of it all" - Releasing fear of our Sexuality 12/19 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

"Oh, the shame of it all" - Releasing fear of our Sexuality 12/19 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Sex is beautiful, natural, and healthy.  Pleasure, through sex, is our birthright as human beings.  No one comes into being except through sex.  There is, however, this pervasive shame around sex, a fear of being seen as sexual.  Society force feeds sex and sexuality down our throats with ads, music, movies, and television but there is this pervasive (and delusional) fear on the part of far too many individuals to deny their sexuality, to feign indignation and moral offense at the mere mention of the word sex.  With very few exceptions, the vast majority of people view adult content on an almost daily basis and yet those same people will pretend that sex is unspeakable and offensive to their sensibilities.

Join with me as we discuss what constitutes a healthy sense of sexuality, the detriments to believing sex is bad, naughty, taboo, or unspeakable, and how to rid ourselves of the fear of being seen as sexual beings. 

The Revolution has to be Televised

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Black Dicks for White Chicks

There is this common lie that Black men tell when justifying their hatred of Black women that they are sleeping with white women today to make up for the hundreds of years that white men raped Black women during slavery.  I’d have to be a deaf, dumb, blind and mentally handicapped fool . . . in a coma before I’d believe any stupidity like that.  Black men don’t make a conscious decision to date white women because so many Black women were raped at the hands of white men, and he is seeking some sort of karmic revenge.  The conscious decision to sleep with, date, and marry white women is made because Black men think white women are better. 

First of all, most of the brothas that are dating/fucking white women couldn’t tell you two historical facts about slavery in a ten minute period.  Somehow, some deluded dude came up with the idea and it spread like wildfire in order to justify their actions and not call it out for what it is, self-hatred.  I have never met a brother who was so proud of his Black heritage and culture that he decided to seek his own brand of reparations from society and have his way sexually with the white woman to make up for the years of degradation that Black women have suffered.  And even if I did, he’d be tragically misguided in his efforts because sleeping with white women doesn’t do a damn thing to white men other than fuel their fantasies and reinforce that Black men are sexual savages. 

The NEED to date white women, because they are more supportive/more submissive/ more attractive has to do with subconscious brain washing.  Brainwashing subjected to us by our forefathers.  Tell me of one set of grandparents that didn’t fear their grandchild going out in the sun because they might get too black. The thought processes of the plantation are not that far removed from our consciousness.  During slavery, light skinned women were allowed the luxury to be in the house, thus, as a Black man, to get one meant you might have some special privileges.  White women were even more privileged. Those were the reinforcements that our grandparents were taught by their grandparents.  Just because we have stopped delving into the origins of our sickness, does not mean the disease is not rampant. 

Black men date white women because all of their lives they are told that light "skinded"  women are the most beautiful.  Stands to reason if light women are the prettiest Black women, white women would be even more beautiful still.  Think about it, they don't have to spend money to get their hair straight.  They can give him children that are light with good hair and pretty eyes, thus less black.  And we all know that deep down, these black men believe that Black is ugly.  Show me the man that says, “I want my child to have short, wooly hair, a wide nose, thick lips and blacker than coal skin.”  Those things are not revered in our society.  I'm not saying a man with that consciousness does not exist, I'm saying that in this society, the Black man (and woman) is taught to love everything opposite of that.

 

Raise a child with images of white women as the standard of beauty, and what do you expect him to gravitate to.  If you look in the mirror and hate your blackness, you are going to do whatever it takes to remove yourself from it.  Once he gets the white woman, and finds that she's docile and doesn't expect anything from him other than his sexual stud service, that she that she has no expectations for him other than to sex her up, you have the recipe that makes for Black men choosing white women en masse.

Who Wants a Revolution?

Black people today have such an apathy and complacent nature, we've become so accepting of degrading images of us, even DEFENDING and celebrating them, that it's impossible to start a revolution.  Black people are too busy rationalizing their dysfunction to have a revolution.  Revolution for what?  No one wants anything to change!  There's no doubt in my mind that we've de-evolved as a people since the days of the civil rights movement.  There is no more thirst for knowledge; there is no commitment to integrity. 

People don't even think for themselves any more.  I can't tell you how many times that I hear people say, "Oh nooooo, violent movies and video games aren't bad for you, I watch them all the time and nothing's wrong with me," when every study that's been done on the effect of viewing violent images has proven that it desensitizes people to violence.  That's just one tiny example of how people are steeped in their ignorance and not willing to see past their dysfunction.  There are too many to count and there isn't anyone who is willing to challenge the status quo and speak out about the things that are detrimental to us because too many people love their dysfunction.  Nobody except me, that is.

Want to know what's revolutionary thinking?

Black women straightening their hair is physically and psychologically damaging. 

Black men are raised to be emotionally immature.

The psychological effects of slavery are so long lasting and pervasive they haven't even begun to be examined.

Homosexuality is natural and normal and homophobia is pathological and disturbed

Christianity is in no way related to the study and pursuit of the Creator and it is damaging for people of African descent to hold on to those paralyzing beliefs. 

I can back up all of my assertions with facts but the majority of people don't want to hear anything about , truth, facts, or revolution.  They want to have a march and say, "Stop discrimination now," for a few days after a white person says something racist.  We don't even have a clear picture of what discrimination and racism is, and how it affects us.  The exact same people that want a revolution aren't even willing to put the blame on white people for our conditions.  You can't have a revolution if you are afraid to place accountability on the culprits of generations of abuse without falling all over yourself to apologize for speaking up for yourself.  You can't have a revolution if the only thing you know about Dr. King is "I have a dream." 

You want a revolution?  I got a revolution for you but no one is going to join the revolution because it goes against the current dementia that is accepted as norm.  The days of sit ins and marches is over.  Now is the time for real revolution. 

Sex and Sensuality Part 2 w/ "The Honey Diva" Tracey Bryant 10/25 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

Sex and Sensuality Part 2 w/ "The Honey Diva" Tracey Bryant 10/25 by AfroerotiK | Blog Talk Radio

The first show was so great, we had to do a part 2.  Joining me for this very sensual and arousing topic is my sister in eroticism, The One and Only Tracey Bryant aka "The Honey Diva” of http://www.blogtalkradio.com/honeysoul and http://www.honeyluvromance.com/ She will be here to share her insights and opinions on the topic and spread the gospel of intimacy, communication, and romance in Black relationships as well. She is a love and intimacy coach and you will be riveted by her insights and knowledge.  We will continue to explore the things that help make us more sensual, loving, intimate partners in our relationships.  It's a show you won't want to miss.  

Losing My Pretty Person Privilege

Attractiveness is subjective.  For some, especially in the Black community, specifically when it comes to women, it means looking almost white.  You have to have light skin, long hair, a narrow nose, and thin lips before you can be considered beautiful.  That’s not the only definition of beauty but it’s certainly the pervasive one.  I’ve never in my life looked like that.  I have decidedly African features: very short hair, high cheekbones, a wide nose, full lips, and milk chocolate skin.  For most of my adult life, however, I’ve been considered attractive by the general populous.  That is not to say that I am gorgeous or I could have beauty pageant contestant but simply that I was closer to pretty than homely-looking.  I’m 5’10” and I have been slender almost my entire adult life, thus, I rocked the hell out of anything I wore.  In my lifetime, some have considered me beautiful, others not so much, but the general consensus was that I was pretty.  There have been more than a few men who have looked past me and not looked back because I didn’t look like Beyonce: my hair was too short and I was too brown for their particular tastes.  Conversely, I can say that there have been quite a few men who have fallen all over themselves to kick it with me just because I represented a look they thought was attractive. 

Being considered attractive has perks.  Perks I’ve always acknowledged, I’ve just never really wanted to exploit or give too much weight in my life because I am, or at least considered myself, a woman of substance, not at all superficial.  Just as light skinned women have advantages in this society (ones it seems they NEVER want to acknowledge) and thinner women have advantages (at least in society at large even though the acceptance of BBWs in the Black community is greater) pretty people have advantages as well.  Being a pretty woman means you will get doors opened for you, you can walk out in the street and cars will come to screeching halt to let you have the right of way.  Being pretty, people treat you with more reverence, as if your opinion is more valid, as if you have more of a right to be heard than less attractive men and women.  In addition to the amount of suitors one gets (which is not always a perk because some individuals ONLY want you for your looks) and the efforts they make to impress you.  Dinners are more expensive for the pretty person, they get the offers for the weekend trips and the theater and the front row seats at the concert rather than the offers to rent a movie and order pizza at home. 

When they say “beauty fades” they weren’t lying.  I’ve lost my standing as a pretty person.  While I was once considered a pretty person with all the advantages thereof, due to age, weight gain, a big ole brown tooth right in the front of my mouth, and mostly because of a condition called ptosis (drooping eyelids) I’m no longer seen as attractive.  I’ve witnessed a shift in the last five years in how I’m treated by men and society as a whole.  No longer do men rush to hold the door for me, they let the door slam in my face and don’t look back.  When on dates, men don’t stare longingly at me and ply me with compliments, I usually have to fish for them.  Men treat me as if I should be grateful for their attention, almost as if they are doing me a favor by dating me.  When I look in the mirror, I see the same person I’ve always seen.  I know that I’m not; I know that my eyes have drastically altered my appearance.  I know that what society sees now isn’t a pretty woman.  Today, I’m much closer to unattractive than I am to pretty. 

Even though I’ve never based my self-worth on my appearance, I’ve never been vain, even though I have always valued my intellect as my most important asset, I must admit it’s a bitter pill to swallow having to give up my pretty person privilege.   Everyone wants to see themselves as attractive.  I think that’s a byproduct of biology.  Women are told to base their self-worth on their attractiveness.  My thought processes are different now.  I react to situations differently now based on how I think people see me.  I feel insecure when I’m in an intimate situation today, having once felt desired and coveted for my looks (and body) now, I feel almost ashamed of myself, like I’m less deserving of sexual pleasure than attractive women.  It is a very unique situation, having been on both sides of the fence, having lived life as pretty and now not so pretty. 

This isn’t just some random commentary on my low self-esteem or an attempt to garner people’s pity.  It’s as much about me speaking my truth in order to empower myself as it is really about the shallow nature of humanity and how we treat more attractive people as if they have more value.  I’m the same person inside as I was before.  I have the same dreams, fears, desires, goals, and beliefs.  I have the same sexual desires as well.  I want to feel valuable, I want to feel attractive and desirable.  I’ve convinced myself that I have less value simply because of the way society treats me.  That’s as much my fault as it is society’s fault.  I shouldn’t put weight on how others see me, I know this.  I should see myself as beautiful, inside and out, and be happy with the package I come in, regardless of how it appears to others.  The idolization of beauty is detrimental to our society and I’m only just seeing it now.  I don’t know what it’s like to have never knows what it feels like to be considered attractive, I don’t know how my personality and choices would be different in life had I not been gifted with the genetics that allowed me to have pretty person privilege.  I don’t have that privilege any more.  I shouldn’t want it back but the sad truth is that I do. 

Copyright 2012 Scottie Lowe