Healing Black Marriages/ Fixing Black Sexuality

I asked the question yesterday to married Black women, “Why is it that far too many Black men complain to me that their wives are unwilling to even show them the basic level of affection, let alone passion in their marriage, that sex seems to be the last priority on the list for their wives.”  Almost all the women who have responded have said that their husbands treat them poorly or don't help out around the house and that they just don't feel motivated to have sex.  That is certainly understandable.  If men can’t take out the trash without being asked or they can’t help out with the children, if they expect everything to be done for them and then want sex, they are selfish and immature and a woman can’t be expected to have or want sex in those circumstances.  OR, the women have said that they were raised to have sex with their husbands as a wifely obligation and they do it regardless of whether they want it or not. That’s some oppressive, archaic thinking to say the least.  It is not a woman’s JOB to please her man.  Sex is a form of communication, intimacy, and a show of love.  It’s not something a woman should do because she thinks she has some biblical obligation. 

I think there is a third group of women NOT responding.  I think the vast majority of Black married women who have not responded think that talking about sex in a public forum is beneath them, vulgar.  I think that they are the women who have set the rules for sex in their marriages and it has nothing to do with their husbands treating them poorly or not contributing around the house; it has to do with them seeing sex as something you do to get a man and not something you do to keep him.  It appears to me that quite a few Black women feel that they are entitled to the house, the car, the social standing and that raising the children and volunteering at church takes priority over intimacy, communication, and sexuality.  I think (again, based on my keen powers of observation, nothing more) that most married Black women are very disconnected from any sort of healthy sense of sexuality. 

I suspect that it is a combination of things that has caused our married relationships to go terribly awry.  First, women, most black women feel that marriage is about men conforming to their demands, not a give and take, not about compromise, not about cooperation.  Somewhere along the way, we as Black women were taught that we as women make the final decisions (regardless of that "man being the head of the household" thing we LOVE to espouse) and that men must conform and change to meet our wills and that's that. Final answer.  No room for discussion.  It is the natural byproduct of being raised by single mothers who were hurt by no good men and overbearing mothers who wore the pants as they say in the relationship.  I think that most Black women feel that once they get the man, the ring on their finger, the work they need to do to keep him is done.  I say most because clearly there are some older women who feel that it's their job to please their man, that they have to put his needs first, etc.  That doesn't seem to be the case with most women less than 45 years old.  They seem (and I'm only basing this off my observations, not empirical evidence) to put more value in social appearances.  It's more important to put more emphasis into job, kids, church, and community than husband. 

Second, it appears as if men aren't very good lovers.  They aren't tender, or romantic, they have no clue what the word seduction means.  It appears they haven't altered their technique since they started having sex.  They use the same methods they learned at 17 and they think that makes them "super lovers."  I think most women enjoy that fast and furious fuck when they are dating but they want and need more as they mature, as the relationship evolves from infatuation to love and don't even have the vocabulary to ask for more or different once they've been in the relationship.  They don't want to say, "Hey, you know, for the past 10 years you've been sucking on my clit (or, God forbid, you don't even know where it is) and I don't really like it like that."  They don't know how to say, "Could you do me a favor and just give me a massage and cuddle with me and have some foreplay without having to have the night end in you humping me like a dog in heat?"  Every man I've ever spoken to is convinced he's a great lover.  That is NOT the case.  In fact, that is rarely the case.  Most men think that what they see in porn is good sex.  Most men can't even comprehend that the same routine of a little kissing, eating pussy, and then sticking it in is not enough variety to keep a woman satisfied.  I know personally I've had to tell men, "Hey, I told you, I don't like it like that," several times because they automatically go back to doing things they way they've always done them and they think it will work for every woman.  I can't imagine that most women can tell their husbands anything like that because they will look at her like, "It's been working all these years, what are you talking about?"  I’m not even convinced most women KNOW what will feel good, let alone, know how to communicate it to their husband of several/many years. 

I think the solution to this is so complex, so multi-faceted that is seems insurmountable.  The fact that only 30% of our community is married seems unbelievable.  First, we have to get women to understand that sexuality is important, it is essential to the survival of any relationship, that it's not dirty nor should it be an obligation.  We must get them to see that it is a vital part of the foundation of marriage and that it's something to be enjoyed, not looked at as a chore.  We have to heal women's psyches.  We have to dismantle this concept that, "I'm the woman and you do what I say and there's no discussion."  How we do that?  I don't know.  All the facets of society are in place for things to stay the way they are.  Everything about our culture is constructed for women to see sex as a tool to get a man and they think (wrongfully so it seems) that controlling that, or rather withholding sex is a perfectly viable option once they have walked down the aisle. 

Then we need to address men's concepts of sex.  That's much easier.  I can do that with my work, with my stories.  I can show men how to seduce.  They've never seen romance, seduction, tenderness before.  They've never been taught to please a woman before.  YESSSS, I know, I know fellas.  Your mother's best friend/the neighborhood lesbian/your super horny girlfriend taught you how to please a woman and you KNOW that you are a good lover.  No sweetie.  Some sexually abused woman was taking out her dysfunction with you and think that what you learned then is written in stone and will please every woman.    You have to remember and understand that the vast majority of women have been raised on porn these days and they have been socialized to think that yelling and screaming calling you big daddy and being called a dirty slut is what sex is all about.  It’s not.  And regardless of the number of women you think you've pleased, if your wife isn't climbing all over you to get the dick, you aren't doing what it takes to get the most important woman to her special moment. 

The good news is, that there are healthy, loving, Black relationships where people are expressing themselves, sharing, communication, cooperating and having fantastic sex.  We need to hold those relationships up as models.  Unfortunately, the people who are in healthy, intimate relationships shouldn’t go around bragging about them.  I can work at writing the types of erotica that show healthy relationships between Black couples.  I can create videos that teach men how to make love.  Healing these issues is going to take a lot of work.  Work that I don’t think we are ready to tackle as a society.  It’s messy and unpleasant.  No man wants to hear that they aren’t a good lover when he’s spent the majority of his life thinking that he is.  I don’t know many Black women who want to hear that they have to give up control, be more vulnerable, compromise more.  Regardless, I’m going to try.  It is my mission to heal Black relationships. 

Scottie Lowe 2012

Assault with a Deadly Skittle

Assault with a Deadly Skittle

The real thinking person has to ask themselves, how many times has an incident like this happened before for the Sanford Police Department to be so blatant in their disregard for the law? How often is a black person killed and a white person given the benefit of the doubt whereas the police department casually says, “We don’t see a problem,” and thinks no one will question it? This can’t be the first time. This needs to be investigated much further than just this one shooting. MUCH FURTHER.

AfroerotiK vs. Zane

AfroerotiK vs. Zane

Or for those who aren’t literarily challenged “Intelligent Discussion of Sexuality vs. A Ghetto Hot Mess” 

First off, let me say that the only reason I selected this specific title for this discussion is that I know it pisses off an extraordinary amount of Zane followers.  I have nothing against Ms. Roberts personally.  I don’t know her and I’m sure she is a very nice person.  I give her nothing but credit for opening doors and starting discussions about sexuality.  That, unfortunately, is where my praise for her has to end.  I find her content stereotypical, degrading, and overall unhealthy.  I’m not “hating” on her, I’m not jealous, I am not trying to start a war or anything of the sort.  I can’t, in good consciousness, ignore the fact that she has done a tremendous disservice to the African American literary community with her brand of erotica that reduces Black women to nothing more than materialistic nymphomaniacs and Black men to nothing more than dick-slinging dogs. 

Black people, love to throw the term “hater” to anyone who critiques anyone with money.  That shows our immaturity as a people.  Money should not be the magic insulator that buffers people from critique.  My critique of Zane is not because of the wealth she has amassed over the last decade, it’s because of the detrimental effects, the cumulative ripple effects it has created in the Black community.  She writes, very poorly as a matter of fact, about sexuality in ways that perpetuate all that is wrong with Black sexuality.  She glorifies, celebrates, champions, and promotes the most dysfunctional behaviors possible and people buy it as entertainment.  It is my very strong belief that her singular influence has created a greater divide between Black men and women than any other outside force.  It is my very opinionated belief that Black women (and unfortunately girls) have become accustomed to the storylines she writes about and they have internalized all the dysfunctional behaviors illustrated in her books.  Women considering themselves pimps and players and dogging men out and using them for money and manipulating them with threats of withholding sex and promises of “high octane pussy” (a term I use to describe a product, not unlike gasoline, that does the exact same thing as the cheaper priced version but it is perceived to have more value, thus, making the user feel more important) is all too common these days due to Zane’s popularity and the fact that her brand “urban” literature has sold millions and millions of copies. 

Conversely, I write about healthy Black relationships.  I write about couples who are partnered, in love, making healthy choices, who are intelligent and multi-dimensional.  I have NEVER written about a woman going after a man just for his money; I have never once written a story that glamorizes cheating; you will never see an AfroerotiK story about a man who has casual sex without regard to the feelings of his partner.  My storylines are complex and different.  My readers are, for the most part, more intellectual.  I don’t say that to disparage anyone but if one were to read the comments on one of my stories, they most often wouldn’t find someone responding with caps lock on, misspelling their words phonetically, and reiterating banal clichés.  There is a difference in our readers and fans.  While I have lots of fans who like and appreciate her work and I’m sure if her readers and fans read my work, they would find it appealing to some degree. 

Here’s where my question arises.  How do I, as someone who wants to be the instigator of more intelligent discussions, speak to a nation of people who only want to show off their body parts and ask silly questions like, “Who got hit off dis weekend?”  I want people to discuss their relationships, their sexual identity, I want people to question what they’ve been taught.  How do I bridge that divide?  How do I get people who get aroused at any mere mention of the words dick, pussy, fuck, and suck to actually engage in discussions that are deeper, that cause them to reflect on their relationships and their sexual partnerships?  Do I dumb down my writing?  Do I do the ole’ bait and switch and write a typical urban story and when I get those readers, do I then hit them with my more nuanced writing?  Will they understand it if I do?  Do I continue to preach to the choir meaning continue to write and engage the people who get what I’m trying to do and not worry about the people who find Zane (and the thousands of writers just like her) appealing?  Is there any reason for me to even waste my time in trying to reach out to people to get them to have more intelligent discussions of sexuality? 

What are your thoughts? 

Sweetness

My Arms are “Too Short” to Box with the Devil

My Arms are “Too Short” to Box with the Devil

Young man—
Young man—
Your arm’s too short to box with God.

Young man—
Young man—
Smooth and easy is the road
That leads to hell and destruction.
Down grade all the way,
The further you travel, the faster you go.
No need to trudge and sweat and toil,
Just slip and slide and slip and slide
Till you bang up against hell’s iron gate.

From James Weldon Johnson’s poem The Prodigal Son

Everyone has been talking about the rapper Too Short in the past few days.  It seems the genius creative minds at XXL magazine decided that he should be featured in a series of videos talking to young boys, giving advice I guess as to how to “keep it real” or whatever the popular saying of the day is.  Well, keep it real he did and Mr. Short prepared and presented a step by step guide to adolescent and pre-pubescent young Black boys on how to “go for the hole.”  He laid out archaic and violent instructions on how to seemingly find her clitoris and make her orgasm although he wasn’t clinical in any way.  Rather, he simply suggested that these young boys molest young girls, ramming their hands between their legs in search of some mythical “spot” that will be the prize.  The response to the video from Black women has been tempered but disturbed.  The overwhelming response from Black men has been, “Hey, what do you expect from Too Short?” 

Here’s what I expect from Too Short.  An apology.  I expect him, or someone with a modicum of intelligence in his close proximity, to issue an apology that explains how he understands now that his words are going to put young girls at risk for being assaulted and how he never really understood until now that he had been socialized to see women as objects and not human beings.  I expect him to show he’s sorry by working diligently to alter his perceptions and grow and evolve as a man and to make sure NO girls are assaulted because of his misguided advice.   

Here’s what I expect from XXL Magazine:  The IMMEDIATE termination of Vanessa Satten, the white women who is the Editor-in-Chief at XXL who not only thought it was a good idea to have Too Short handing out fatherly advice to young Black boys but who authorized the publication of a video that taught them how to rape young girls.  I expect XXL to be held accountable by creating videos and articles that speak to the issues of violence against women and girls and to teach boys NOT to rape, molest, assault, or denigrate women solely as objects for their pleasure. 

Here’s what I expect from Black men.  I demand your outrage.  I demand that you not just dismiss this as “boys being boys” mentality and you speak up in horror and disgust that not only Too Short and XXL magazine but Black society as a whole has allowed women’s (and girls) bodies to be violated with no little or no repercussions.  I want you to empathize, to put yourself in the shoes of the young girl pushed against the wall with an aggressive and sexually immature stronger male pushing, prodding, and poking your private parts looking for “the spot”.  I want you to hurt for your daughters, sisters, nieces, and all young girls who have ever been subjected to such treatment. 

When I was in high school, I was SKINNY and unattractive and boys didn’t like me.  I craved attention from the opposite sex and one day after school when Greg Sheffield showed me attention, my heart sang.  I thought he wanted to be my boyfriend; I was that naïve.  He lured me to a laundry room in the apartments next to the school and within minutes, he was pushing me against the machines and pulling down my pants and ramming his fingers in me as hard as he could.  I ended up on the floor with him on top of me, hurting me, and wondering what I did to deserve this.  I don’t remember if I cried or yelled or asked him to stop.  Apparently, whatever I did, I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to and he got frustrated and called me names and left me there, lying on the floor, half-dressed, sore, and confused. 

I’m a woman.  In many ways, “I’m Every Woman,” as the recently departed Whitney Houston sang.  I’m a Black woman who loves Black men despite the fact that they might not love me the way they should at times.  I’m a woman who has been the victim of sexual violence and abuse; I’m a woman who wants to heal the rift that exists between the genders, and I’m a woman who is passionate about her struggle to address Black sexuality in a way that is healing, transformative, and enlightened.  I’m also a woman sickened by the patriarchy, sexism, and misogyny that persists in the Black community to the detriment of our beautiful, young Black girls and our Black boys.  Raising boys to be sexual perpetrators not only hurts the girls upon whom they inflict their violence and aggression, it stifles the boys and prevents them from ever fully becoming, whole, complete, fully integrated human beings capable of loving, sharing, and committing to a real relationship. 

The time to address the misogyny and sexism in hip-hop is about ten to twenty years too late.  Black men are so used to seeing women as things to acquire, not people with feelings that it doesn’t even bother them when things like this Too Short debacle occur.  They are accustomed to being socialized to think that their manhood is in their penis.  If we don’t take drastic measures to address this problem we are doomed as a subsection of society.  We cannot continue to have men believing that their manhood is measured in the number of women they bang and that women exist to satisfy their lusts.  I’m tired of fighting with Black men to show them that women ascribing to stereotypes of Black men being big-dicked sexual savages is not only detrimental to the women they violate, lie to, cheat on, and use, but to them and to our community as a whole.  It’s an exhausting fight to get men to see that they need to evolve past the notion that sex validates them.  I can’t fight anymore with men who don’t care that women are objectified and oppressed by a culture that doesn’t care if we are used up and spit out as long as they get a nut.  My arms are too short to box with the demon of sexism and misogyny that tells little boys that it’s okay to use little girls on laundry room floors and step over them like a piece of lint that can be swept away like insignificant trash. 

Copyright 2012 Scottie Lowe