I am the paragon of Love. In trying to heal, evolve, and grow in enlightenment, I have to speak my truth to power, I have to use my gift to heal myself. I have been trying to ignore the hurt I feel I've had for the last month because 1. I'm going through so much in my life right now that I'm overwhelmed with emotion.
and 2. I'm so entirely used to white men being assholes, that I've grown to accept it and not even address the personal pain if feel when I'm betrayed by someone I've invested in. I invested in a white man more than I've ever done in my life, more than I thought possible, and he ghosted for no reason and not addressing it has stunted my creativity and I can't have that.
Without question, 2021 has been the most fucked up/transformative year of my life. In January, my third eye was opened to a reality that I never knew existed. I "woke" up to an understanding, an instant realization that MAGICK exists, that the reality of life that I thought existed was an illusion. I have processed feelings of betrayal from my family, from society, I have done more introspection and self-examination in the last 12 months than I thought was possible simply because my eyes have been opened up to exactly how fucked up our world is. What I haven't done is addressed the two decades of betrayal I've felt from white men because I've been socialized to accept their betrayal as the norm.
I've always been fearless when it comes to speaking my truth about racism and the same is true about speaking my truth about my understanding and awareness of the Devil, oaths, magick, and the true Wizard of Oz fucked-up reality in which we live. Along with that awareness I've also had to accept as the definitive truth that I AM Divine, that God is my voice, and that we, collectively as Black people are the true architects of the UNIVERSE.
Speaking that truth has alienated my entire client base on Nite Flirt. White men with money, my normal clients, have access to magick and as I spoke my truth about my understanding and awareness, my callers stopped. I am persona non grata to them. My income went from flowing to stagnant, to nothing in 2021 as I refused to pretend that things were "normal" like us Munchkins are supposed to believe.
Who I am as a Domme was shaped by the fallacy of white supremacy. White men, the masterful manipulators who control and dictate what we believe, have forced their narrative of lies and racism on the world, especially in creating our sexual identity. We, people of color, have been victims to their distorted manipulations for so long we don't even question the stupid shit that passes as truth. (This is totally not where I wanted to go with this piece but it is the foundation of my hurt so I'll process it.) So, 22 years ago, when I started to explore my role as a Domme, I didn't have options, I couldn't choose the parameters of my identity, I was expected to fill the role of humilatrix, filling white men's need for humiliation and degradation because . . . Well, I'm not sure why. I know it has something to do with them trying to manipulate pronouns and the words I speak about them are somehow reflected in the alternative world back to me. I don't understand it all.
Anyway, the point is, I have been a Domme for 22 years based on this model of whiteness where white men seek, crave, and manipulate me into their fucked-up game of BEGGING me to humiliate them to get . . . I don't know, demonic points or something, I guess it has something to do with denying our power and the reality that Black people truly are superior, we truly are God made manifest. My identity as a Domme has always been one of us versus them. I have always fought to be seen as human by very racist and obtuse white men. I have always had to battle whiteness. It's always been a fight: a fight for them to not be so fucking obnoxious and arrogant, a constant battle for them to see me, to see Black people as human beings, and it's always been framed by the narrative that they are too obtuse and ignorant to get how racist and fucked up they are. Turns out they know exactly how racist and offensive they are and they do it intentionally to incite emotion in us, to anger us because they get power or something from our emotions.
Still not what I wanted to address but I'm letting this flow in whatever way it wants to go so I can heal and move on.
I have always identified myself as a psychological Domme, meaning I get in a white man's head and fuck him mentally. I have never once in my life wanted to dress up in a leather outfit and conform to some sassy Black bitch role who spanks white men. That would have been conforming to their sickness. The thought of having a white man engage with me sexually has always been repulsive to me so I even the thought of having a white man eat my pussy . . . I just threw up in my mouth. Just the thought is repulsive.
I have always been the intellectual Domme who addresses white men's racism. My nut has always been derived from knowing that I have been able to force white men to acknowledge that I'm superior to them in all ways, not just some sexual roleplay they use to manipulate me, but making them realize that they are truly inferior, that they are weak and pathetic, that the fallacy of white superiority is just that, a fallacy. White men have never been superior in any way. I love knowing that white men walk away from me, run away from me with the understanding that I am a Bad Bitch, that they understand that I'm truly superior to them in more ways than they are capable of truly grasping.
I should say at this point that I've never once had a submissive. I use the words "own a submissive" with the awareness that I've come to see that as a manipulation as well. They want me to be as barbaric as they are, they want me to see them as property and a possession so I can be as fucked up as they are. I've engaged with white men, I've dominated white men psychologically and mentally, but I've never had a white man commit to being my submissive. White men have always used me to get them off and then run away. All of them. I have never had a white man want to be my submissive.
I have been on a quest to find one white man who was willing to commit to me.
I've gotten frustrated over the years too many times to count, seeking this mythical white submissive who wanted to belong to me. I chased after the concept of "the one", the one white man who would see my value and appreciate and respect that I was different, the one who saw that I was special, that I was worth the effort. I've read accounts of white men telling how they have found the Domme of their dreams and how devoted they were to her. I wanted that.
I have had white men who tell me how amazing and wonderful and special I am and then they run away. All of them. Well, not all of them. The simple ones, the ones who don't meet my standards, they are clueless that they don't meet my standards, they don't run away, I have to push them away. The arrogant, offensive, obnoxious and overtly racist ones, the ones who assume that I will dominate them simply because they think I'm an amusement to them, that I will get them off and they can use me, I have to block them. The ones I want to dominate, they all run away.
So, here I am, 2021, more than two decades of dominating white men, still searching for the elusive one, the one who will recognize that I'm exceptional and want to belong to me, and now having this added knowledge of the occult that is driving white men away from me like I have the plague, and I meet someone here on Fetlife who sends me a message saying he read my writings and he's intrigued.
Immediately, from the first message, I was impressed. It wasn't copy and paste. It was respectful, he didn't assume I would dominate him just because I lived in the same vicinity, he wasn't typically racist and arrogant. We communicated well. I read his profile, all of it, and it was offensive, but I made note of the fact that there were two different tones. His most recent entries, postings, and comments were far less racist and offensive than his posting from more than a year ago.
The communication continued to flow, I was pushing him to see me as a human being in ways he had never done, in ways NO white people ever do. He wasn't as anti-racist as I would have wanted my potential submissive to be but he made up for it by wanting to learn to be anti-racist and being open to learning. Let me be clear, as I told him time and time again, he was a 2 on an anti-racism scale of 1-100, but considering that most white men are in the negative numbers, that was a decent place to start for us.
What followed was three intense weeks of me teaching him, me learning to become a different Domme, it was a master class in me coming to the understanding that there is no way in hell that white men are ever going to unlearn their racism unless I am gentle, loving, kind, forgiving, forgiving, and even more forgiving. I was learning that I could be the Domme I wanted to be, but I that in order for me to evolve, I had to become a teacher, not a Domme who gets pissed when white men display their ingrained racism.
I've been fighting racists and racism my entire life, not just as an aspect of my sexuality because my Blackness is not a fetish, it's my identity. I've confronted racism with passion my entire life. With Jonathan, I was able to confront his racism from a place of guidance and teaching, not anger and frustration that he didn't see his own racism. I'm not sure I'm saying that correctly.
Jonathan was racist in the typical ways white men are racist, but he was willing to grow and learn. He assumed he was right, he denied and lied, he had excuses for his racism at the ready, and he was resistant to accepting that his behaviors were typical. But through it all, with me embracing that I was never going to teach a white man not to be racist by getting angry and frustrated with their ignorance, I softened my tone and we continued to grow.
I thought I had found the one, my submissive. I even changed my status on Fetlife, something I had never had an occasion to be before. Ever.
For 22 years, I've operated under the assumption that if I was reasoned and logical and showed white men exactly how they are racist, that they would realize how their actions and behaviors were hurtful and they would be motivated to change. Wrong!
Not being mean is not the same thing as being loving. That was themost important lesson I had to learn. Telling him about his racism in a way that wasn't antagonistic or hurtful is not the same thing as being kind and loving. For 22 years, I've been expecting white men to see their racism because I've been logical and blunt and straight forward, not personally attacking them, but showing them what they can't see from their perspective. And when they don't get it, when they don't see racism, and oppression and the inherent fallacy of white supremacy, I get angry. I have a right to be angry at their racism but my anger doesn't teach them to be less racist. Not being mean is not the same thing as being loving. It's a hard lesson to learn for a teacher who is actively oppressed by their student.
I had to being loving. I had to show more empathy, more care, I had to be more gentle and kind and nurturing and loving to him than I had ever been in my life . . . I have never had an occasion to be gentle and loving and kind to a white man before because white men are bred to be racist and racism hurts, it's offensive, because white men are totally fucking clueless as to how hurtful even their "innocent" racism is.
For three weeks, I invested in him. I forgave. I taught. For hours and hours, every day, texting, writing, talking, I instructed. I guided. I corrected in the most gentle and loving way possible. He had made the promise to me that he wasn't going to run away, that he was in this for the long haul. For the first time in 22 years, I thought I had found someone who wanted to belong to me. I thought he and I were going to spend years together, playing, exploring, being nasty in real life, not just online. When he was racist, I was loving. When he was clueless, I was loving.
Until he ran away.
I THINK the reason he ran away is because he didn't want to make the financial commitment to belong to me. I can't be sure. The only issue we had that I think he could use as an excuse to run away was that he had been being insensitive to me, ignoring the fact that I was going through financial hardship while I was giving him Ph.D level instruction FOR FREE on a daily basis. I told him I needed to take three of four days to myself because teaching him was far more exhaustive for me than learning from me was for him. I asked for however many days it was, three, four, five, whatever it was, and he contacted me damn near every day by text, DM, he didn't respect my request. On the scale of offensive behavior, it was minor.
I understood where his needy behavior was coming from and I told him it was problematic but I didn't make a big deal of it and we continued on. We talked, everything was fine, smooth, no problems. A day or two later, some racist white man made a comment on something I said on Fetlife and I mentioned him in my response, saying that I couldn't wait for the day that he was articulate and anti-racist enough to be able to respond to white men for me. He sent me a text, saying I had called him out on Fetlife. I responded that I didn't call him out, that I MENTIONED him and that he wasn't prepared to address racism in any way currently.
That's the last communication we had.
That doesn't seem like a valid reason to run away to me. As best I can figure out, he decided that he didn't want to financially invest in belonging to me so it would just be easier to ignore me rather than tell me that he wasn't going to fulfill his financial commitment to me.
Jonathan was under the typical white male delusion that I should consider teaching him an honor and he couldn't and didn't grasp that he was benefitting from me and that I was not getting equal benefit from teaching him. Racism is offensive. He was under the assumption that because his racism wasn't as offensive as most white men's, that somehow he was a great guy and that teaching, guiding, training, instructing, and correcting him, all in gentle, loving, forgiving manner was no big deal for me. He was under the impression that there was some equality to our relationship, that I should value the opportunity to teach and guide him, again, for free, as much as he valued learning from me. That's not even how society works. You can't go to Harvard and expect to be educated for free.
I asked him to make a financial investment in belonging to me because I wanted to know that he wasn't going to run away, that he wouldn't just jump ship when things were difficult and that he was going to see things through to the end. And the end would mean him coming to ATL (and I was even willing to compromise on that) three or four times a year to be the sexual plaything for me and, eventually, my lover. I don't ever demand or require a certain amount, I've only ever told white men to decide how much they want to invest in belonging to me and to date, not one man has ever even made the verbal commitment to invest in belonging to me, let alone followed through with doing so. He said he was going to and he wanted to be my submissive long term. All he had to do was talk to his wife and make sure she was on the same page. Of course, he had to find the right time to do that because he couldn't just talk to her about it out of the blue, the stars had to align perfectly so that he could present her with this opportunity.
I can't count the number of white men who have promised to belong to me and then run away, I can't count the number of white men who have said they wanted to belong to me and simply ghosted. I thought he was going to be different and it hurts. I loved who I was with him. I loved how I was growing and evolving. I loved the results I saw in him.
I can honestly say I loved him and that's what hurts the most. I loved the way he would reflect on what I told him and the processes he used to find a new way to look at his privilege. I loved how he challenged himself to acknowledge that he was racist. We were exploring truths and realities (well I think we were, it could have all be a giant manipulation) that were unchartered territory for me.
Now, not only am I not missing that place he had in my life and what we shared, I'm disgusted and angry and resentful towards every racist fucked up white man who isn't him, who doesn't share his potential to be my perfect submissive.
I need to make a side note here. During this time, this magical three weeks of bliss and communication and growing and evolving as a Domme, my creativity was off the charts. Three weeks seems like such a short period of time but for me it was magical, in the non magick way. I was writing and coming up with concepts that still blow my mind. Every day I was being challenged to forgive and be loving to help him see how racist and fucked up he was in ways that didn't make him feel like shit for being racist and fucked up in ways he wasn't even aware of.
The whole process was a challenge and I had to keep accepting that "not being mean is not the same thing as being loving." I had to be nurturing, I had to be gentle. I had to be forgiving of his fuck-ups and understand that he was even more a victim of this society than Black people have ever been. He was operating under this false narrative that white men are superior, that they know everything, that they have a right to have the last word, that they are never wrong, that they don't have to apologize, that they don't have to tell the truth, on and on and on.
I can't imagine finding anyone more compatible with me than he was at this moment. We fit. His style of communication, his eagerness to learn, his ability to apologize after he realized he was wrong. Again, he had a long way to go because my 5-year-old grandson apologizes better than he did but he was light years ahead of most white men in even his willingness to admit he was wrong.
My desire to write has diminished in the last month. When I was training and teaching him, I couldn't stop writing. Every second, it seemed, that I wasn't teaching him, I was exploring ways to communicate and teach other white men to see our humanity in loving ways, and how I could use my stories, how I could incorporate the techniques I was learning from dealing with him into the larger scale of teaching white men who read my work.
I have been ignoring the hurt because I'm so used to it. I'm used to white men taking advantage of me and then running away when I'm no longer useful to them. I've accepted as the norm white men who tell me that they want to be my submissive and never follow through, who ignore me after promising to be devoted to me. I'm accustomed to white men who make promises they have no intention of fulfilling. I'm tired of it.
It's one thing to have someone I'm not interested in be a dick. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when I invest in someone who doesn't invest in me back. I have to acknowledge that. I have to acknowledge it makes me feel worthless and hurt. I have to shine light on the shadows. I know in my heart, in my soul, I know that I'm superior to white men and that my worth isn't tied to what their approval of me, their willingness to belong or commit to me but I also have to acknowledge that their rejection of me is hurtful when I've given so much of myself in the pursuit of a dream that will never come true.
