“But I like it!”

We are in a perpetual state of sexual dysfunction because we can’t have an informed, mature, logical conversation about sex and sexuality without one of two dynamics halting any forward progress.  The first is always the ever popular “Ewww, that’s nasty.”  People LOVE, love, love to insist that everything is nasty, everything is wrong, everything is inappropriate to discuss.  People have been socialized to have an obsessive need to shame, disparage, denigrate, and denounce anything, everything, and anyone who has the audacity to discuss sex and sexuality so that they can appear infinitely more holy, moral, chaste, and conservative than those highly inappropriate and morally-offensive sexual people.  For them, nothing is ever appropriate to discuss, everything is “too much information,” and dear lord, anything concerning sex besides vanilla sex on a Friday night with the lights out with your married opposite gender spouse for the sole purposes of procreation is DISGUSTING!

The vast and overwhelming majority of society falls into that category.  It’s how we are socialized as a culture.  It’s the default mode.  It’s unhealthy in that it negates and denies that people are, essentially and fundamentally, sexual beings.  It makes everything about sex dirty, bad and wrong and that is the recipe for sexual immaturity and dysfunction.  It’s immature, both sexually and psychologically.  But there is another side to the equation.  The other side of this very dysfunctional sexual coin are the people who say, in essence, “Well, it can’t be wrong if I like it.”  There is a defense mechanism that human beings have, it kicks in with all discussions of “right and wrong” that people defend whatever it is they like to the detriment of logic and reason.  If a person likes a particular behavior, activity, fetish, object, or fantasy, their mind won’t allow them to say that it’s wrong, because, in essence, admitting that there is something not quite right about a behavior they possess is admitting to the world, and to themselves, that they are flawed and people are just not emotionally mature enough to do that.  What we, collectively and as a society as a whole have done, is not allow people the safe space to say that they aren’t perfect, that there are areas of their lives that need to be worked on, that need to evolve and grow.  It’s created this stringent need to hold on to the patterns and behaviors that are unhealthy and we can rationalize and justify them because other, “Well, other people like it too.”  It’s our psychological safety net.  “I like it, so it can’t be wrong,” means, “I’m fine just the way I am, and if I’m comfortable with it, if I can admit to liking it, it means that it’s perfectly fine. It means that I’m perfectly normal and there’s nothing wrong with me.” 

Both positions prevent us from having healthy conversations about sex.  The visceral, violent reaction I got the other day from suggesting that the need to degrade or be degraded during sex was unhealthy is a prime example.  I’m going to use the same example to illustrate my point.  If there was an individual highlighted in the news who proclaimed that they enjoyed being bullied, or even abused by their spouse, that they go enjoyment and satisfaction from being beat up and harrassed, everyone without exception would say, “Wow, that poor person.  They are psychologically damaged.  That’s so sad.  I hope they get help.”  And people would be right for the most part.  I’m sure the motivation to appear superior to them would be at the base of most people’s comments but anyone who got emotional or psychological or even physical pleasure from being humiliated certainly has some issues they need to work on.  That wouldn’t be up for debate.  If someone were so bold and brazen, and presumably crazy enough to admit that they enjoy beating their spouse, that they get pleasure from bullying others, that didn’t find anything whatsoever wrong with beating up people because they got a sense of satisfaction from it, people would be ready to throw them under the jail.  There wouldn’t even be room for discussion.  Certain people were highly offended, however, because I suggested that the same behavior in the bedroom is unhealthy.  Because they like to degrade others sexually, because there are those who enjoy being degraded sexually, because the sexual degradation and humiliation of women is so common that it’s accepted as normal, because the BDSM community is so large, people were adamant that the behavior was just fine, there were no problems with it whatsoever, that I’m a fucking bitch for even suggesting that something is wrong with it. 

I’m a writer, I’m more than a writer however, I’m dedicated to shifting our perceptions of sexuality, to creating a healthier paradigm.  I can freely admit to liking, wanting, and being aroused by behaviors in my life that were unhealthy.  I’m not at all ashamed to admit that.  It’s part of my growth process.  It’s a sign that I’m evolving as a human being.  I am not content to hold on to belief systems that are unhealthy.  I’m also aware that my writing is a vehicle for promoting conversation.  The stories I write about degrading and humiliating white men are NOT my fantasies, they do not arouse me.  They are stories that I write for clients of my personalized, customized erotic stories.  They are divine (figuratively) opportunities for me to highlight the inherent racism of white culture and to provide white people an opportunity to see Black people in a healthier, more well-rounded light.  They are all written with the objective to shine a very ugly light on their objectification of Black sexuality and genitalia.  People respond to the messages they get when they are in a highly aroused state, they associate the things that are introduced to them during that state with sex.  I set the stage, as it were, for white men the world over to read and learn and understand that Black people are not just things for them to fantasize about but complex human beings who are more valuable than just our sexuality.  Read my interracial stories again and see if you don’t get that.  All the Black characters are empowered, autonomous, highly-intelligent and function as more than just props to get white men off. 

That being said, in my private life, I have been a Domme.  I have dominated, humiliated, and degraded white men in my personal life (not to the extent of the characters in my stories because I’m not that one-dimensional) but I would not only be foolish but I would be delusional if I didn’t acknowledge that the pleasure I got in seeing white men mentally and psychologically broken didn’t stem from the generations of oppression Black people have endured and it’s resulting effect that has had on my personal identity as a Black woman.  Just because I like it doesn’t mean that it’s healthy.  Just because the white men I’ve dominated liked it doesn’t mean that they are psychologically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually healthy.  Just because they have jobs and function in society well doesn’t equate to the behavior being healthy either.  Just because hundreds of thousands of people enjoy similar behaviors doesn’t mean that it’s healthy.  Just because the entire porn industry, society in general, and all the we know to be true and right and normal says that degrading, objectifying, humiliating, and abusing women sexually is okay doesn’t make it right or healthy. 

So, there are going to be people crawling out of the woodworks again to tell me how wrong I am, that I don’t know what I’m talking about, that it’s just my opinion and be sure to point out exactly how they think I’m contradicting myself with my previous writings.  There are going to be individuals who are going to insist that anything that happens between adults that is consensual is perfectly fine.  We are not talking about rape, we are talking about the need to degrade and be degraded; we are talking about the psychological factors that go into the sexual arousal associated with making someone feel less about themselves.  The discussion has to go beyond just what’s consensual to what’s healthy.  Everything that we do, regardless of its popularity, regardless of how accepted and isn’t evolved, isn’t moving us towards healing our collective sexuality. 

Sex is about more than just lame baby oil and a massage.  I intentionally write about sexual acts beyond the fringe, beyond what’s vanilla and plain and boring.  I write about strapon sex from a point of love and giving pleasure.  It’s passionate and vigorous but it’s NOT about degrading one’s partner, it’s not about power or control, it’s not about degradation and humiliation.  I write about watersports.  I write about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered individuals who enjoy sex in a way that celebrates them as sexual beings.  And if I do write about something that might appear to the superficial reader to be about something that I’ve said is unhealthy, you can be assured that I’m doing so in a way that promotes discussion about how to move to a healthier way to relate to one another. I am meeting people where they are at.  Look deeper and see that I’m writing about a way for people to see sex as being compromised of a whole host of things that are exploratory, adventurous, and beyond vanilla that are in no way associated with devaluing a person’s worth or identity.  I address people’s unhealthy behaviors and I lead them to a way that is healthier with my words. 

Sex should be about being expressive, passionate, emotionally honest, it should be about pleasure.  There are tons of things that are included under that umbrella, that indicate a healthy way to look at sex that go way, way, way beyond what puritanical society tells us is acceptable.  “But I like being called a slut and a whore during sex, I like being slapped and having my hair pulled.  It turns me on.”  Women who enjoy being degraded during sex, ask yourself, why is it okay to like being degraded during sex with behaviors that you would absolutely, positively NOT be okay with outside of a sexual situation?  What about the act of sex makes being slapped and called names okay, arousing even, that you would not tolerate outside of a sexual situation?  Is it because you learned that being sexual was bad, that you need to be punished?  Is it because some dude called you a name during sex when you were younger, when you were in a highly aroused state, and your subconscious mind associated that behavior with sex?  They are hard questions.  It requires you look at yourself and your behaviors in a way that most people are unwilling to do.  It requires a level of introspection and soul-searching that will make you challenge your belief systems and maybe even admit that all the things you like aren’t completely healthy.  Most people will hit a brick wall, their brains won’t let them even process the questions because it will put them in a place of maybe, quite possibly, having to admit that they aren’t perfect. 

Men who enjoy degrading women during sex, there’s nothing under the sun I can say to you that will make you question your motives or behaviors.  You are trapped in your pathos and you won’t be moved.  Patriarchy and misogyny are so deeply ingrained in our society there’s nothing that anyone could say to make you challenge your belief systems.  But, maybe, there is a woman out there, with God’s graces, there will be a few women, who will say to themselves, “Why do I think it’s wrong for me to pleasured, pampered, and seduced?  Why do I not feel deserving of extended foreplay and tenderness that leads up to indescribable passion?  Why do I need to be called names during sex and why do I think that’s arousing?”  Perhaps there is one woman somewhere reading this who will start to question why she needs to be slapped and abused in order to feel arousal, or why being with someone’s husband feels more exhilarating, or she will start to ask herself if she’s worth more than the $100 she’s getting to have sex with someone who doesn’t value and respect her as a person.  With any luck, she will start to unravel the layers of her sexuality that have created her to be the woman she is and she will, one day, when you start calling her a slut and a whore, tell you that you cannot call her names just to boost your ego, you cannot slap her, choke her, spit on her, that she wants more than just her back blown out and she will feel deserving of asking for being pampered, catered to, and adored BEFORE she gets to the hot and sweating fucking that will make her eyes roll back in her head.  Perhaps. 

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

"You Fucking Cunt!"

I absolutely and vehemently believe that the act of deriving pleasure from degrading, slapping, choking, inflicting pain, humiliating, calling someone names, and using sex as a form of power comes from a place of low self-esteem.  It is my unwavering belief that the person who is driven to perform those sorts of acts to someone else does so to boost their own sense of self, not from a place of true power or benign sex play, but the need to objectify and demean someone else comes from a need to feel more empowered, to make themselves feel worthy, to feel superior to someone because there is something inherent in them that feels inferior.  It’s not psychologically healthy to want, need, or get pleasure from making someone else feel worthless or even inflicting pain on someone.  Conversely, it has to be said that the need to be and the act of deriving pleasure from being called names, degraded, humiliated, objectified etc., comes from an unhealthy psychological place as well.  There is something collectively wrong with our society that it creates people who both need to degrade and need to be degraded. 

Queue the entire BDSM community and people on both sides of the equation who are unwilling to look at their behaviors as unhealthy.  They will defend their behaviors as normal and rationalize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with their preferences.  Even average Sue and Sally who get aroused at being called a slut and a whore during sex will claim feminist status for this issue alone and defend her right to be choked and slapped as her right.  And it is her right.  But that doesn’t mean that it comes from a psychologically healthy place.  Western society is set up to reinforce to men who get off on degrading and humiliating women that it’s their right as manly MEN (grunt grunt) to slap women around and pull them by the hair, that it’s the way God with a penis wants things to be.   And men who desire to be subjected to degrading and humiliating behavior sexually are so conflicted that they will never acknowledge publically that is a desire or preference because that will mean that they will be seen as less than a real man.  NO ONE wants to acknowledge or give credence to the notion that there is something unhealthy, dysfunctional, or psychologically damaged about the way they view and experience sex.  No one wants to admit that, Goddess forbid, that there may be something “wrong” with them. 

I don’t think, in fact I KNOW that the fault doesn’t lie in the individual but society in general that doesn’t reinforce, teach, and structure healthy self-esteem into our children.  We, collectively, are doing something tragically and detrimentally wrong in the way we are raising our children.  We are shaming out children about sex and sexuality.  It’s manifesting itself in unhealthy behaviors behind closed doors as adults and the system is set up to keep things just as they are.  Patriarchy is unhealthy.  Corporal punishment is unhealthy.  Whatever is it that we do to raise our children where they can’t grow up to see their inherent worth, beauty, and divinity and say, “No, I don’t find it arousing to be disrespected,” or “No, I don’t need to slap, choke, or degrade someone in order to feel better about myself,” is WRONG. 

Our culture is set up to reinforce that sex is dirty and bad and wrong and shouldn’t be discussed in any way.  The entire system is set up so people refuse to acknowledge that there might be a better, healthier way to have sex and that this whole concept that WHATEVER we do is just fine as long as we don’t have a problem with it.  This puritanical, right-wing, close-minded, oppressive system of shaming people about their sexuality is set up so that even the people who like things that are sexually dysfunctional can pretend to be outraged, offended, and disgusted by even the mere mention of the word sex.  We don’t know how to determine what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy because we can’t even have a conversation about sex in any meaningful way without the slut-shamers, the bible thumping holier-than-thous, and the “I’m fine just the way I am, you can’t tell me,” contingency INSISTING that nothing is wrong with the way we are dealing with, addressing, and looking at our sexuality.  There has to be a better way. 

There IS a way to relate to each other in a healthy, enlightened, erotic, sensual way that doesn’t involve degradation and humiliation.  We can explore sexuality in a myriad of ways, far beyond vanilla, boring, unimaginative sex, that doesn’t involve the objectification of one partner to get our rocks off.   

Copyright 2013 Scottie Lowe

He Holds the Key to my Arousal in his Hands

Is it possible to be in love with a man for his hands?  Well, I’m not in love with him FOR his hands, he’s an amazing man without question but I’m definitely in love with his hands.  I can’t explain it.  His hands actually turn me on.  The shape of his hands, the length of his fingers, even the way he holds his fork drives me to distraction.  I think I love his hands more than I love his dick.  Okay, let me not go off the deep end, it ain’t that extreme, but his hands give me a special thrill that I just can’t explain. 

I love watching him masturbate.  It’s like sensory overload.  Seeing him stroke the length of his dick, his fingers gripping it tightly, seeing the cum flowing over his fingers thrills me in a way that words can’t describe.  I can suck his fingers or his dick and both arouse me beyond belief.  One Sunday morning he brought me breakfast in bed.  He thought he was being cute by dipping his finger in the honey and putting it in my tea.  I grabbed his finger and started licking and sucking every bit of that honey.  We had to go to IKEA and buy a new headboard that afternoon because things got so heated after that.  

Who knew that hands could be a sex organ?  The first time we kissed, he held my face gently in his hands and I felt my heart skip a beat.  When I’m riding him, and his hands grip my hips, for a brief second, all my attention is focused on the feel of his hands on my flesh.  We walk in the park and he’ll reach out to hold my hand . . . and I feel safe, protected, and secure in the connection. 

His hands represent strength to me; the centuries of labor our ancestors endured building this nation that hates us so.  His hands represent tenderness to me; his gentle nature is reflected in the movement of his artistic hands.  I’m mesmerized when he wears his ring; it reminds me of a sunset over a beautiful horizon. 

His hands pleasure me in ways that defy definition.  When my body is warm and relaxed after a bath, he’ll anoint my body with oils and massage me to sleep.  Well, his intention is to massage me to sleep but feeling his hands slide sensually up and down my body, caressing my sore spots and stimulating my hot ones . . . who can sleep? 

We went out for drinks the other night, enjoying a few Afrotini’s and a little jazz.  He pulled my chair close and whispered in my ear that he wanted me to spread my legs.  My heart started pounding out of my chest.  I felt the heat of his hands on my thigh as he moved up my leg, sliding my panties to the side.  There, in the middle of a very public place, he took his finger and started rubbing my clit, causing me to signal for the waiter to bring the check and get the hell outta there. He had other plans.  I grabbed the edge of the table and held on tightly as his fingers penetrated me, making me bite my lower lip to keep silent.  Tease that he was, he stopped, leaving me desperate to cum.  He ordered dessert and would wipe his sexy mouth with his cloth napkin, which was really nothing more than his discrete way of smelling my pussy juices on his fingers, inhaling my fragrance.  Of all the things that I love about this man, it’s his hands that hold the key to my arousal.  I know he was made for me, I for him, because even his hands fit me. 

Are Black men really more sexual?

I had a very typical conversation with a white woman a few minutes ago. She said that Black men are more sexual and more confident sexually than white men. If we are really about dismantling stereotypes, we need to set the record straight.


Black men may very well be better lovers, more skilled lovers, and they are, overall, better sexually endowed but white men are infinitely more sexual than Black men. White men are far more experimental, far more adventurous, far more liberated in their thinking when it comes to sex. And they are FAR more driven by their sexuality than black men.  White men compartmentalize their sexuality.  They are more likely to have hidden fetishes and sexually motivated lifestyles that are completely opposite their projected personas.  

 

For example, on XTube, the x-rated version of YouTube, people submit personal videos. There are different categories to submit your videos obviously including fetish, fisting, hardcore, bisexual, anal, etc. in both gay and straight genres. Here are my observations. White men are one million times more accepting of videos that show bizarre, outrageous, extreme, and atypical sex acts. I have never seen a black man submit a sounding video yet. In fact, I didn’t even know what sounding was until I started seeing it done on XTube. White men create videos of themselves doing all sorts of extreme things, using full rubber gas masks, fucking dirty sneakers, driving on the highway while naked and jerking off, tons of pissing videos, cock and ball torture, smoking is apparently sexual in some way as well, and I will never see another white man in the grocery store without wondering if he is one of the thousands who fucks himself with enormous black dildos. Of course, for every video posted, there are thousands more who would never post a video so we can only assume that the submitted videos are representative of desires of the macrocosm we call America.


The comments and feedback from other white men on these extreme videos is always pretty much supportive. “That was hot man,” or, “show more,” or the ever popular, “here’s my email address, let’s get together.” Sure, there are some that say, “that’s gross man,” but those sorts of comments are inevitably followed by a slew of “don’t pay attention to him man, that was hot,” comments.


Black men who submit videos submit two kinds, jerking off and regular oral/anal. There is no experimentation, there are not outrageous acts, and it’s pretty much cut and dry. On the rare occasion that a Black man does post a video that falls outside the vanilla category, the comments from other Black men are ready to crucify him. Black men aren’t tolerant of bare backing videos without multiple black men commenting on how someone is going to get AIDS, god forbid a Black man uses a dildo that is deemed too big by the black sexual police, they get all sorts of negative comments about how they are going to be ruined for life and have to wear diapers. Anything outside of basic masturbation or vanilla sex is labeled NASTY by Black men and they are very outspoken in their distaste.


The entire world doesn’t exist on XTube however. In swing clubs all over America, and I’ve been in my fair share, I’ve seen white men tend to be far more exhibitionist. They revel in being seen. Private rooms are usually occupied by Black couples. They want privacy and intimacy. On a daily basis, I get requests from men to look at their webcams. I have NO interest in seeing white men masturbate yet they INSIST on sending me multiple invitations even after being rejected. I can’t even tell you the last time I’ve gotten an unsolicited invitation from a black man to view his webcam. It happens so infrequently that it is almost negligible. There are websites dedicated to any manner of extreme sexual practices, fucking machines, bestiality, scat, creampies, military sex, skateboarders having sex, just anything you can think of. Of course, the biggest consumers of interracial porn, to the tune of 80%, are white men. The media portrays Black men as being sexual beasts and predators but serial rapists, pedophiles, and peeping toms are more than 95% white men. Those are sexual crimes and have little to do with sex but they do show that white men are getting a whitewashed image when it comes to sexuality and Black men are still being portrayed as sexual savages.


White women especially want to believe that Black men are more sexual because it fits their stereotype. Black men, desperate for undeserved praise, flock to white women who stereotype them as big Black bucks and play the role to appease their immature egos. Does that mean that Black men are more sexual? Not at all. We’ve discussed here before that white women are far more aroused by the concept of being treated like sluts, of doing all number of sexual things that black women won’t consider, but yet we are seen as being more sexual as well.


White men are phenomenally more sexual than black men. They are obsessed with it more, they tend to be more exhibitionist, they are more experimental, they are tolerant of activities that are not the norm, they are even more willing to admit their deviant behaviors and embrace them more than Black men. Black men are seen as more sexual because of racist beliefs but when it comes down to reality, Black men are by and large, very sexually conservative.