Pathological Truther

 I hate when people tell me that they never lie. Everyone lies.  Everyone lies all day, every day, for things they don't need to lie about. For the better part of 25 years or so, I've worked hard on telling the truth.  It's hard.  It takes effort and thought and diligence.  Everyone in this society lies so much that it's accepted.  

TV has people convinced that lying is difficult and you can always tell if someone is lying by looking at them because liars always stress out and you get nervous and start sweating.  "Hey, murderer pretending to be innocent, let us strap you up to this machine to see if you're lying."  

 

The truth is, people lie so easily it can't be detected.  

I lied last week.  I was talking to someone and I said, "And the reason I know that is . . ." In the short time it took for me to say the words, "And the reason I know that is," I had already calculated in my mind the pros and cons of telling the truth, weighed both options, I reasoned that the outcome would be less problematic if I lied, and I came up with a lie that sounded feasible and didn't miss a beat between the word is and the word because.  

I wasn't planning to lie. By that, I mean, I hadn't started out the conversation with the intention of lying.  I didn't even start out the sentence intending to lie. It wasn't like I had been anticipating the conversation for days and had rehearsed the lie in my mind.  Spur of the moment, at the speed of light, I made up a lie.

I performed at least 6 major thought processes in LESS than a fraction of a second.  

I later confessed and apologized for my lie.  It wasn't about anything big or major or personal.  I lied about HOW I knew that the race war had started already and the media just isn't reporting it.  I told him that I had a submissive white man who was a doctor who gave me the real deal.  LOL, that's dumb a dumb lie now that I think about it.  Why would a white doctor tell me about the efforts of white people to kill people of color?  I didn't want to say, "I'm the recipient of supranatural insights into the Universe." 

I came clean about the lie and the reason I lied.  

I had a few years out of the last 25 where I lied like average people.  I had found my old boss on Facebook.  I wanted to call her and tell her that I loved her.  I loved her in a way that was pure Divine love.  She was racist, horrible, and evil to me when I worked for her.  But she was part of the puzzle that, when put together, make Scottie the woman that she is today.  

I was stressed out and triggered by the concept of calling her and telling her that I wasn't rich and successful.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't call her and tell her that I was a broke struggling artist who writes erotic stories about Black people. 

That was just too much for me at the time. I felt like a loser.  I wasn't married.  I didn't have kids.  She met me when I was 21.  At close to 50, I wanted her to see me as a home-owning, conforming to societal rules but still creative, middle-class person.  I was ashamed of not being rich.  I was ashamed of being broke and unsuccessful.  I didn't even want to tell her that I had gone to grad school because I didn't want her to have more of a reason to judge me and think I'm a failure in life.  

For at least a full day before I called her, I stressed out over lying.  I figured out my lie and rehearsed it.  I was going to tell her was that I worked with my uncle and we had formed a business where he was a real estate agent and I designed and staged the houses. I had proposed that exact option to my uncle.  I have spent YEARS watching nothing but home improvement shows morning till night.  I used to pretend I had my own HGTV show and I may even had thought of a name of my pretend show. It was the best lie I could tell.  

I called my girlfriend to help me calm my nerves and help me rehearse.  I can almost feel the sensation now.  

I called my old boss.  I told my rehearsed lie, It went off smoothly.  I told her I loved her.  She did not respond or acknowledge me.  She asked me if I was going to come to NY to visit any time soon and that she wanted to see me before she died.  I lied and said maybe.  

The freaky part is, that lie, after that phone call, the floodgates opened, I started, "normal lying."  Normal lying is what what I refer to as the endless string of lies circumstances that recognize that everyone lies because they don't think of it as a lie. Lies do not have to be elaborate like the one I told, lies are a result of living in a society that makes us afraid of being judged.  Lies are the way your brain processes your fear of being judged.  

This society has brainwashed us to lie about everything because we live in constant fear of judgment from other people.  That fear causes people to lie about things that they absolutely don't have to lie about.  For about three years after that incident, I "normal" lied.  Every conversation I had consisted of me not paying attention to what other people said but rather I was anticipating how they were going to  judge me and what I could say to make myself look better to them.  I lied about the stupidest shit possible.  I wasn't abnormal, nothing was wrong with me.  Everyone lies.  

My grandkids made me stop lying again.  I'm on year three of trying to speak truth to power.  I have noticed that since 2021, I'm even more diligent about being honest and apologizing when I'm wrong.  

I remember when I was married a million and two years ago, I told my husband, the one thing I hate most is liars.  "If I can't trust you, we have no relationship."  I told him that if he ever felt unhappy in our marriage, tell me BEFORE he cheated so that we could work on being better or I could walk away with dignity. He didn't.  He cheated and he lied about it. He lied about everything. I thought, at the time, there was something wrong with him. I thought he had some sort of mental defect, like something had happened to him in his life to make him lie about having pizza for lunch when he had Wendy's. It feels like every fight that we had was because he lied.   He lied about everything all the time. 

I thought my ex-husband lied more than normal people.

Turns out, it's not that he lied more than normal people, turns out that I lie less than normal people.  

It's only just in the last few minutes that I just now realize he was normal.  He was normal and lying is normal.  People lie about everything because they fear being judged.  I judged him as some sort of mental illness that made him lie all the time.  My ah-ha moment!  I was viewing him through a lens of being all good or all bad.  

The last big, stressful rehearsed lie that I told, I told to my mother.  Turns out she saw me in the Tuesday other dimensional meeting and she knew I was lying the entire time.  

I cheated on my ex-husband.  It was . . . maybe two or three days  before our marriage ended in a blaze of adultery and pain.  The guy was a UPS driver.  It's possible he may have worked at the same hub as my husband. His name was  Scott and he had a really small dick and he fucked me in the ass in the living room of our condo.  Anyway, I never got a chance to tell my husband that I had cheated because the evidence of his years long affair came to light and my life fell apart.  

We communicated, my ex husband and I, with one another a few years ago.  I asked him why he had done some of the more hurtful things he'd done to me and his answer was, "I don't remember."  He felt guilty.  He thought I still hated him.  I haven't hated him in seems like decades.  

I weighed the option of telling him about my infidelity but there was no point after 30 years.  I would have no problem confessing and apologizing to him if we ever meet face to face again. He doesn't need my apology, I don't feel plagued with guilt.  I would simply like to restore the scales of truth to balance.  I told him that I had forgiven him years and years ago.   I did feel quite guilty for a long time because I cheated on him.  It was my only time cheating. I never cheated on my boyfriend before that. Ever since that time, I've never cheated and I've always lived my my own edicts. (Hmmm, will future generations know what the word integrity means?)

All four of the relationships I've had since my marriage ended have cheated on me.  Ehhh, Emmanuel wasn't really a relationship.  I suspect he cheated on his girlfriends to be with me but I'm not even sure about that. 

White women!  Your husbands are are low key disgusting.  I have dominated white men for 21 years.  I have no idea what percentage are married because white men lie.  But the ones who admit they are married, the ones who tell me that their wives have NO clue what sorts of things really turn them on, they are the ones who are the most deviant men on the planet.  They love to wallow in filth and depravity.  They lie, they lie, they lie, they expect me to believe their lies, they lie and lie and lie some more.  

My most memorable video call was with the married white dude who locked himself in the dog cage in chains and jerked off on the pile of dog turds that he had hidden the key in.  The depths of his depravity repulsed me.  He should not be allowed on the streets, he is a true danger to society. But he's more normal than the white man you see on TV, the one who never cheats and loves his wife.  He presents as a deacon in the church, a pillar of the community type dude and as a great dad and father.  He's not.  Trust me when I say, he absolutely is not.  He makes my flesh crawl.

That takes of lot.  I am not repulsed by men telling me that they are pedophiles, rapists, serial killers, or any other violent/criminal/sexual act. I have learned that our society is much darker than we understand and I acknowledge that far more people are driven by immoral, illegal, unethical, disgusting, disturbing sex than certainly the media tells us.  I've helped someone address their guilt over  his pedophile compulsion.  He is actually a sweet, wonderful man.  I really like him.  (Single).  

I don't see people as all good or all bad anymore.  I look for people who are self-aware.  Own your shit.  That's healthier than the people who deny their shit.  It's infinitely healthier than going out and degrading and castigating people who do things that don't even compare to what you do behind closed doors.  

I have a pleasant and civil relationship with a serial killer who is single and there are 4 or 5 married white men with whom I speak that make my flesh crawl.  To be honest, the single serial killer was far more honest and pleasant to talk to than the married white men who were probably serial killers as well and who just didn't tell me.  

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have masturbated to individuals whose behaviors, actions, and fantasies I find reprehensible but I'm aroused by their willingness to share with me their truth, to let me be their confidant. I'm not conflicted about it because I understand that far more people are dark than light. 

I am sexually aroused by the truth.  I find repulsive and repugnant white men who can confess and tell me their darkest thoughts and fantasies arousing because I'm aroused by white men's depravity.  That's my fetish:  White men's fuckedupness.

I've caught white men in lies and they SWEAR they are telling the truth, and eventually, the confess, sometimes after days of denial, and inevitably, in too many instances to count, after they've acknowledged that they had lied, after they confessed to lying and described to their misdeeds, in many instances they still go right back to asserting the same lie that they already confessed to.  They believe their own lies.  

The people who swear, "I'm not lying, I swear I'm not lying, What would I have to lie about?"  They're lying.  

I'm a pathological truther.  

And, to all those people who say, "I always tell the truth too," I'm going to gently suggest that unless you can show me physical proof: a blog post, a link to a podcast, an article you wrote, show me something that proves that you have spent time contemplating the truth and it's impact on our lives, you're lying.

My Soul is Restless

Something is not right in my soul, there’s something amiss.  I feel ill at ease, anxious maybe, like I’m suffering from withdrawal; something’s just not right.  Old folks used to say, “Honey, you just have a good ole fashioned case of the blues.” It’s not that I’m depressed or melancholy; I’m simply frustrated. My body is aching for connection, touch, for intimacy.  Really, what I feel right now can be summed up with two words.  I’m lonely. 

I want to dive into that magical bond with a man that is chemical, genetic even.  I want to sit across a bistro table in the warm summer night air and stare into beautiful brown eyes and laugh at silly jokes and flirt.  I want to smile . . .  just smile from my heart when I see him. I want my hand to fit perfectly in his when we walk along the water’s edge, staring at the full moon, and feel him put his arm around me when I get a chill.  I need that romantic, thoughtful, sweet, amazing brotha in my life who takes my breath away every time I see him. 

I want to kiss.  Oh God, I want to kiss for hours.  I want to feel his body on top of mine, feel his arousal pressing against my body, his hands roaming over my entire curves while he whispers in my ear, “Scottie, I want you.”  I want to be serenaded by Coltrane playing softly in the background as I feel his lips kissing the nape of my neck, nibbling softly on my ear.  I need to fall asleep in a brotha’s strong arms, feel his body conforming to mine, our naked bodies covered by a soft, white, cotton sheet as a ceiling fan swirls above us. 

I’m lonely.  I miss the sensations that only a brotha can bring.  I want to make love.  I want to join body, mind, and spirit together in a hot, sweaty union of passion and bliss.  I want to fuck for hours: tasting, touching, exploring and every inch of his body.  I want to feel my orgasm building to a fevered pitch, feeling the pleasure consume my body as I fight it, as I struggle to channel that energy up my chakras through the top of my head.  I miss the sensation of my juices flowing freely, that slippery, sticky sweat coating our bodies. 

I can’t sleep at nights.  I don’t like going to bed alone.  I toss and turn in solitude, longing for that touch, that connection that I crave so intensely because I’m a better woman when I’m connected.  I offer up my prayers, my petition to the One Most High that I might find a partner with whom I can connect and bond intimately. 

Theory of Relativity

All this Ashley Madison drama has me thinking.  There are potentially more than 30 million spouses that could find out that their mate has cheated on them in the very near future.  What is the appropriate reaction to discovering that you have been cheated on?    If you are in love, if you are in a committed relationship, if you have given your heart and your life to one person, what is the appropriate response to finding out your partner/spouse has betrayed your trust?  I'm going to assume that you aren't also cheating on your mate.  Then, the only appropriate, mature response is to walk away, no hard feelings on either person's behalf. 

But what if you are faithful and your partner cheats, how should you react?  The cheater always assumes that the person cheated on should take the high road, they always act as if the person betrayed should just suck it up and walk away and they shouldn't show any emotion, they shouldn't show any anger, they shouldn't try to get revenge.  Society in general is always quick to say that the betrayed shouldn't waste their energy on any sort of revenge, any sort of willful intention to hurt the person back. 

But, is that really reasonable?  If you have made love to someone, if you have shared your body, your secrets, your dreams, your fears with someone, if you have truly given your heart to someone, if your heart has been broken and your trust betrayed, even the most sane, reasonable person should be expected to feel extreme rage and anger when you discover that the person you were building a life with has decided that your feelings, that you mean nothing to them.  In my mind, only an insane person would react with no reaction at all.  That, to me, indicates, being so out of touch with your emotions that you are incapable of processing them.  

Clearly, you shouldn't physically harm anyone but isn't that asking a lot of the human heart to not seek any sort of salve for your pain?  I can think of no greater pain than being betrayed by your life partner.  I think society's insistence that injured party just suck it up and hold their head up high with dignity . . . I'm pretty convinced that's extremely unhealthy.  We are sentient beings and we are supposed to process our emotions, we are supposed to feel.  The concept of letting an individual who has inflicted tremendous personal pain on their mate just walk away, not having learned a painful lesson, seems delusional to me.  One of the reasons I think we are so unhealthy as a society is that we have this obsessive need to present fake images of perfection, facades of one-dimensional pictures that aren't realistic. 

So, is burning all your mate's clothing acceptable? Is a lost wardrobe really that detrimental for the crime committed?  Is going to his or her job and embarrassing them okay?  If your cheating spouse is embarrassed, if they are humiliated by co-workers, is that something they won't be able to rebound from?  Is outing them as a cheater to their friends and family acceptable?  What about doing something to the person your partner was cheating with?  Should they escape your wrath because it's socially unacceptable?  Cheating, lying, betrayal should be unacceptable but it seems as if society is telling the victims of adultery that they should just suck it up and be the better person and their their perpetrators walk away with their own guilt as their only punishment.  Where is the line?  What is the appropriate, acceptable response when someone rips your heart out and steps on it? 

Are we as a society so obsessed with pretending to be perfect that we've lost perspective of the fact that for every action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction? 

Rethink What You Know

Being Selective:

As sexually liberated as I am, I don’t want to do EVERYTHING with all my partners.  I wouldn’t say that I pick and choose what men I do certain things with but I do not give away my goodies casually.  Not every partner is deserving of everything I have to offer.  Especially if his motivations are not pure or transparent.  My partners and I get tested prior to having sex so it’s not about the higher risk for HIV.  It’s about the fact that it’s something so intense and explosive and thrilling and I don’t want to share that with just anyone.  I want to explore anything and everything with my partner.  I want to experiment and find new and exciting ways to please my partner and I’m always looking to introduce new levels of play with my partners.  I don’t, however, have casual sex, friends with benefits, or fuck buddies so I’m vastly different than most people in that anyone who is invited to share my most sacred space only gets an invitation because he has passed my very rigorous standards.  Were I to have casual sex partners, I would certainly not be motivated to give them my most erotic self; I would limit that to only the partners who had proven themselves to be exceptional. 

Swallowing:

If I’m in a relationship with my partner, I don’t have a problem swallowing my man’s ejaculate.  That being said, unless his diet is vegan and he takes extra precautions to eat well, drink water, drink pineapple juice etc., ejaculate doesn’t taste great.  It’s not the worst thing in the world but it’s certainly doesn’t taste like pussy, that’s for sure.  Most of the men I date at this stage in my life are in their 50s.  They don’t have the recovery time they had when they were in their 20s.  Cumming more than once a night is not very likely for the men I date.  That being said, at this stage in my life, I’d rather save that nut for our intercourse if we have time and energy.  If we’re out and I’m giving him head as a special treat or it’s something I want to do just to please him, I don’t have a problem swallowing at all.  The problem becomes when most men hold a woman’s head to force her to swallow.  I say, if you want me to swallow your nut, you need to be able to show me that you will eat it too.  If it’s disgusting to you, and you want eat your own, then don’t expect me to swallow it.  Most younger men are selfish.  They only think about their pleasure and they will hold a woman’s head to force her to swallow or they will cheat on a woman if she doesn’t swallow in order to appease their ego.  That’s where the problem lies. 

Satisfaction:

I would like to think that women and men will eventually come to understand that when they allow themselves to be emotionally open, honest, and vulnerable with a partner, when they expose their secrets, when they open their hearts and souls to loving and being loved that they will experience greater pleasure than just a maintenance date or a casual fuck.  Satisfaction comes from being able to tell all your sexual secrets to another person and knowing they still love you, want you, crave you.  Satisfaction comes from pouring out your heart and soul to someone and being able to be emotionally nude and go to a place where you don’t have to hide.  Most people assume that satisfaction and pleasure comes from some magic nut that makes you lose your mind.  We are sexually immature when we look at sex that way.  There will always be someone with a bigger dick, a bigger butt, someone more attractive, that’s not where satisfaction lies.  Satisfaction is in the connection and the bond and the unadulterated intimacy you form with your partner.  Once you get that, you won’t want to look for anyone else to satisfy you. 

Individuality:

What every woman wants in sex is different.  It should be based on her own body and turn ons.  I crave creativity, sensuality, eroticism, a willingness to go beyond just a pump and dump.  I want seduction and passion.  I want a slow, simmering building of extended foreplay that leads to mind-blowing sex.  I look for a partner who is committed to being honest.  That turns me on.  Fuck, that makes me explosive!  I’m definitely NOT looking for someone who thinks that blowing my back out is going to make me come back for more or someone who doesn’t care about me as a person.  I look for a man who is expressive.  He needs to be able to talk in bed and more than just saying, “Whose pussy is this?”  He has to tell me what turns him on and why.  He has to tell me what makes him feel good.  He needs to be able to communicate to me in very explicit terms what he is experiencing in the moment. 

Making Love:

Most men think that making love is fucking slow.  That’s not making love, that’s pretending to be tender when you really want to be blowing a woman’s back out.  Making love is being in love with my partner and having mind-blowing sex with him.  It can be fast, slow, it can be vigorous and rough.  If we are in love with each other, it’s making love.    I want to fuck like animals with the person I’m in love with.  That’s making love.  The connection is what makes it making love, not the pace at which the man pounds the woman. 

Inhibitions:

I’m not at all sexually inhibited and I haven’t been since I was in my 20s.  Most of what I had to overcome then was just insecurity about my body.  I was tall and skinny but somehow, I felt that I was fat and out of shape.  I think every woman goes through the counting stage.  You count the number of men you have sex with because you don’t want to hit that number that makes you a slut, whatever that number is for you.  Once I hit my 30s all my minor inhibitions disappeared and I was completely comfortable with my sexuality, what I wanted, what I needed, what I asked for, and how to get it.  Most people, and by that I mean men who want to fuck me and women who want to condescend to me because I’m not promiscuous, think I’m inhibited because I refuse to have casual sex.  I’m not slut shaming women who want to have multiple sex partners at all.  FOR ME, I choose not to share my most sacred space with undeserving me.  That’s not being inhibited, that’s being selective, having standards.  With my partner I’ll do anything and everything that we choose to explore as long as it’s consensual. 

Freaky:

Black people LOVE to throw the term freak around.  Sadly, pathetically, the term is used in place of meaning healthy sexuality.  There is nothing freaky about liking sex, wanting sex, or enjoying sex.  Unfortunately, because Black people are sooooooo incredibly sexually immature, they associate enjoying sex with being freaky. Even Black people who claim to be freaks are sexually conservative.  Most times they don’t like anything other than regular oral/vaginal sex and at times anal.  Being expressive with your partner isn’t freaky, it’s normal.  Exploring different fantasies with your partner isn’t freaky, it’s normal.  Wanting to open up your relationship and be poly isn’t freaky, it still falls within the realm of healthy sexual expression with your partner.  Freaky is wanting to mutilate your genitals for sexual pleasure.  Freaky is being aroused by inanimate objects more than human beings.  There are a whole host of things that are abnormal and extreme that are freaky but Black people are not into any of them for the most part.  As long as we identify ourselves as freaks for liking sex we are sexually stunted and immature.  I am sexually empowered.  I am sexually expressive.  I’m sexually mature.  I’m not a freak for enjoying pleasure.  I’m not a freak for wanting to explore sexuality with my partner.  I’m not a freak for liking more than vanilla sex on a Friday night with the lights out.  There is nothing freaky about my sexuality. 

Horny:

When I’m insatiable, when I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin with desire, when I can’t focus on anything but sex, I feel like a laser, everything is centered on the sensations of pleasure.  I crave stimulation.  I need visual stimulation, I need physical stimulation, I need the pleasure that comes from the journey, not the destination.  For me, when I get in that zone, I’m all about the sensations that come from arousal, I don’t really want the nut so much.  I want the pleasure to last as long as possible.  I never feel tense or evil or anything negative.  I feel a certain amount of frustration that I don’t have a partner with me to help me express my sexuality but that’s secondary to the sensations of wanting my nipples played with, wanting to revel in the sensations of my clit being stimulated, in feeling my wetness flow. 

Sex: As Natural as Eating

Let’s imagine a world where all the world’s religious leaders decree tomorrow that eating is bad, sinful, and wrong, and moreover, that if you absolutely MUST eat, it can’t be enjoyable, it has to be bland, without taste, and you have to eat in secret and in shame, and if you enjoy eating that you are a bad person.  Almost immediately, your normal, healthy mind would scream at you to enjoy that lobster, that juicy mango or summer peach, that hot apple pie with ice cream at all costs.  Everyone would know in their hearts that eating is essential for life, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with eating, eating is essential for survival, even that eating a good meal with family and friends is one of the few joys in life that has no compare.  But the pressure from society telling you that eating is bad and wrong would set up a mental conflict, a dichotomy where you feel you would need to lie, cheat, and manipulate in order to eat, where you were shamed into feeling bad for enjoying a good meal.  Advertisers would use images of all sorts of delicious food to sell their products but they would make sure no one was eating in their commercials.  Eventually, after enough time, everyone would co-sign the concept that eating was sinful and wrong and they would publicly adopt a position of looking down their noses at anyone who said that they enjoyed eating while you nearly everyone was reading cookbooks, watching cooking shows in private, and people would be left trying to reconcile why something that they enjoy so much, something so positive and beneficial, is considered bad. 

Imagine for a moment, if you would, how eating would become this huge underground phenomenon.  If you tell people something that is natural and healthy is wrong, if you tell someone that their natural urges and desires are something they should be ashamed of and is bad, they will find a way to revel in it behind closed doors.  People would have secret food orgies, they would develop food fetishes, like they can’t eat unless it’s on a paper plate or they only eat donuts or they would only eat in the dark.  No one would have a concept of what a healthy meal even consisted of because there would be no honest discussion of nutrition or portion size, because the simple act of even talking about eating would be considered bad, and misinformation about eating would be rampant.  Children naturally would experience hunger and want to taste different things but adults would shame them into believing that eating was wrong and that they couldn’t enjoy it.  On message boards and forums all over the internet people would have a united voice of feigned moral indignation and outrage at anyone who said they loved to eat food but in the privacy of their own homes, they would be installing gourmet kitchens. 

After enough time, the government would step in and enact laws reinforcing that eating was bad and convincing the masses that bread and water was more than sufficient for survival and that anyone who liked anything more than that was a social leper and a freak. The politicians and loudest opponents of eating would secretly have private chefs making meals fit for a king while they were out proselytizing about how sinful eating is and the perils of food.  People wouldn’t be allowed to learn how to cook or feed themselves and using condiments and spices would bring down the wrath of the folks who insist that eating is only valid if it’s for survival.   

So, eventually, you would have a world where everyone believed that something beautiful, natural, and healthy was commonly and openly considered bad, wrong, and sinful.  People’s psyches would be at war within themselves.  The belief that eating was bad would seep into every aspect of life and culture to where eventually, no one even questioned that eating was wrong and anyone who said that eating was natural and healthy and could even be positive would be shunned.  Eating disorders would be the norm and no one would acknowledge it or seek help for their conditions because they would be ashamed of admitting that they liked eating.  The human mind can’t function in a healthy way under such turmoil so it shuts down in the face of such a conflict, it compensates with dysfunction.  Your inner being inherently knows that eating is right and good but it’s been convinced by society that it’s wrong so the human mind struggles.  It starts craving eating things that are barely edible, things that are toxic, things that aren’t even food in an effort to wage a war against what society tells them is wrong.  People would start eating rotted, moldy food in private, eating stuff that will hurt them; they start feeling entitled to violently take other people’s food by any means necessary.  Meanwhile EVERYONE would be eating.  A few people would conform and eat only the bare minimum to survive and society would INSIST that they are the normal ones and that anyone who enjoyed eating was a deviant.  MOST people would be eating and enjoying food in private and this entire underground eating frenzy would be taking place, in plain sight and under the radar, because no one is willing or brave enough to challenge the belief that eating is wrong. 

Now, substitute the word eating with fucking.

It is precisely this millennia-old belief that sex is taboo, the repression and compartmentalization of sex, it is the very false belief that sex is naughty, dirty, bad, and wrong that creates rapists, child molesters, sex addicts, sexual deviants, and a culture of casual, unsafe sex because the mind and spirit are at war with what is supposed to be positive and absolutely life-affirming.  Religious leaders convinced us long, long ago that sex was bad, dirty, shameful and wrong.  They needed the world to believe that if one were to have sex, that it was only to be missionary sex for procreation inside of marriage.  They were wrong.  They lied.  Sex is normal, healthy, We have been convinced that sex is bad, shameful, sinful, and wrong when it’s healthy, beautiful, and right.  No one, not one of us comes into this world except through sex.  Pleasure is our birthright.  Ecstatic orgasm is a form of meditation, a form of prayer.  There is such a thing as healthy sexuality and it consists of far more than missionary position on a Friday night with the lights out between two married, white, mildly unattractive and boring, financially stable heterosexuals.  But humanity is so cut off from what should be healthy sexuality that we can’t even have a conversation about it.  People assume that healthy sexuality is boring and bland and that’s simply not the case.  Sex should be a beautiful buffet of different sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and experiences that stimulate us on different levels but it’s become something we do that we think is nasty and wrong and we need to get off on degradation and humiliation and pain and whatever else they feel is bad and wrong to compensate for feeling ashamed about their own natural desires. 

“But, that’s crazy,” you say, “That’s a silly comparison.  Everyone HAS to eat, you need it to live.  Sex isn’t a necessity.”  Oh, but you are so very wrong.  Sex is essential for our healthy existence.  We can live without it but we are damaged without it as well.  Touch is essential for life, intimacy is essential, hot, sweaty orgasms with another human being are essential for our survival.  I’m not just talking about the fact that sex for procreation is essential, obviously, civilization dies if we don’t have babies.  I’m not talking about sex for recreation when people go on craigslist and they screw the first person who sends a face picture.  People have been CONVINCED that everyone else in the world is sexually conservative, that no one else could possibly have different, complex, or even unhealthy fantasies.  Society tells us that the only acceptable way to have sex is with soft music playing in the background and candles lit and three minutes of vigorous humping.  In reality, people are doing things sexually that are extreme, dangerous, and even hurtful and there’s evidence everywhere you turn that people are into all sorts of extreme sexual behaviors in every corner of this not so great nation.  Think of a sexual fetish, no matter how obscure, and there are hundreds of websites catered to exactly that.  Yet for centuries, society has implied that everyone on the planet is having sex only for procreation and anyone doing anything more than that is a degenerate.  So, the mind, unsure of how to deal with these contradictory messages, copes by compartmentalizing sex, shutting it off until it becomes an urge and a drive that have dire consequences when approached from an emotionally and sexually immature vantage point. 

Your subconscious minds tells you that it’s perfectly natural to enjoy oral and anal sex because it feels delicious and yummy but since childhood, you’ve been told that anything you feel “down there” is rooted in evil.  Your subconscious minds knows that sex with the same gender doesn’t define you, make you evil, or make you a freak, it’s simply another way to experience pleasure.  But thousands of years of denial and lies tells you that if you experience pleasure with someone of the same gender, you are in the minority, a freak of nature, that you are weird.  You aren’t weird.  Everyone else is a freak for actually believing the lie that gender has anything to do with how you experience pleasure.  Experiencing pleasure with someone of the same gender doesn’t alter your identity, it doesn’t make you less of a person, you aren’t even in the minority.  That’s just another lie society has told us.  EVERYONE can experience pleasure with someone of the same gender it’s just that they have been socialized to believe it’s wrong.  Nothing more. 

Every sexual dysfunction can be traced back to this belief that sex is bad.  People molest children because they have been brainwashed to believe in this erroneous concept that people are sexless, so being sexual with a child becomes the ultimate arousal.  Their innocence, or the act of taking it, making children into something dirty and naughty, becomes a point of arousal for individuals who can’t reconcile the fact that sex is natural and that they shouldn’t be trying to coerce or manipulate children into being sexual.  Sex with children is taboo and anything that is wrong, taboo, kinky, different, or unspoken becomes more arousing sexually for people who don’t have a healthy concept of what intimacy, passion,  love, connection, or what it takes to maintain an adult relationship.  If we taught people that sex was natural, and had discussions about the psychological, social, physical, mental, and emotional ramifications of having sex, if we taught people how to be sexually mature rather than convince them that they are the only people in the world who have sexual desires beyond missionary sex, we could eliminate childhood sexual abuse in one generation.  Men rape because they have been socialized in a society that tells them that sex is wrong and bad but they have urges that tells them that sex is natural.  They rationalize the use of violence and force to rape in order to feel like they are taking back what is their right, because rape becomes synonymous with pleasure.  People have sex with animals rather than humans because animals don’t judge, they don’t tell secrets, they don’t have to emotionally connect to a dog or a horse the same way they need to invest in a relationship with another person.  A human being has the ability to judge and shame, an animal will only love you more and more unconditionally and satisfy their sexual desires without complaint.  Every sexual fetish, the act having one’s sexual aroused tied to a non-sexual object or situation, stems from someone being shamed for a normal expression of their sexuality when they were in a heightened state of arousal.  They were told that sex was shameful and bad, the feelings that they experienced were normal and natural, and then they made a subconscious connection with that object and sex and shame, BAM, their sexuality is intricately tied to that thing. 

Porn addiction is at pandemic proportions.  Men in their 20s need Viagra because they suffer from erectile dysfunction.  I have no clue why HIV isn’t more rampant in this country because people are having unprotected sex and they are not getting tested or having their partners tested in numbers that are staggering.  I strongly believe that the molestation of children, both boys and girls, is so widespread and commonplace, I dare not think about it too much or it will make me sick to my stomach.  All of these things are to be expected when sex is deemed taboo and dirty by the powers that be.  If you tell people that something that is inherent to their nature, a drive as natural as eating is wrong and bad, their psyches rebel.

I think that when children, especially girls, who have sex before the age of puberty, (meaning who are touched, molested and raped in childhood) they grow up to be more sexually addicted than those who have sex at a more "normal" age, like mid teens. I'm not condemning anyone with my comment, I'm simply looking at the origins of the behaviors. I've found that the women who had sexual experiences with adults in early childhood become hardwired for sexual addiction and crave more experiences like slapping, choking, humiliation, degradation, etc. when they become adults, they need sex for validation, they need abuse for validation. I've found the same for men as well, they simply tend to be hardwired to subjugate and oppress when they become adults if the sexual abuse was from a female. They tend, and the key word is tend, to be sexually submissive and masochistic if the abuser was male but they display the same level of sexual need and addiction as women. Again, I'm not judging anyone. I'm simply trying to figure out the origins of our sexuality in an effort to create a healthier dialogue about sex. So, while I am not putting anyone down for what they like sexually, I really am suggesting that the need to be humiliated and degraded is one not a natural one that comes from an healthy place. I acknowledge that some people want and need to be degraded and made to feel humiliated during sex to experience arousal and that is a very valid desire but I'm going to say that in an alternate, parallel world, sex would not be about degradation and shame but merely pleasure and connection. I think it would be a wonderful world if people were to experience exaltation, celebration, and validation while getting the bejesus fucked out of them.  If we eliminate this entire belief that sex is bad and sinful, we eliminate the sexual compulsion and dysfunction that surrounds it, we heal ourselves. 

Schools teach that sex is bad.  The church teaches that sex is bad.  Our parents spank, shame, and punish us for our normal childhood expressions of sexuality.  Politicians try to regulate our sexuality so that we are criminalized for our own natural desires.  The entire world is convinced that we need to be ashamed of our sexuality and it’s created more pain and dysfunction that can be imagined.  Sex is as natural as eating and we need to restore a sense of beauty and reverence to our sexuality in order for us to collectively heal from the abuses that have left us fragmented and dysfunctional. 

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