AfroerotiK Universal Laws of Sex

1.       Life should be a sensual experience:  We are sexual beings.  Sex is an inherent, primal, natural drive, just like eating and breathing.  Sex is not bad, sex is not wrong, sex is not a sin, sex is not for procreation only.  Pleasure is our birthright, our bodies were divinely crafted to experience transcendent, erotic ecstasy.  The moment when you are exploding in orgasm is the exact moment when you are closest to your truest God self.  Life should NOT be about the constant pursuit of sex but rather life should be about the pursuit of pleasure with the person who makes you a better person.  The intimate connection we share with someone doesn’t have to last forever, we don’t have to have one lover in our lifetimes, but we dishonor ourselves when we use people for sex, when we jump from bed to bed to bed without concern or respect for the person we are sleeping with. 

Life should be about the sensual in all things; in the food we eat, in the way we dance, in the way we navigate through the world.  Life is NOT meant to be spent working 40 or 50 hours a week, climbing the corporate ladder, paying bills, and being a slave to capitalism.  That is an illusion, a false reality created by a disconnected and unenlightened consciousness that has made us believe that our sensual natures are wrong and that the things we own give us value.  What makes you happy?  What gives you joy?  What makes you feel like you are about to explode with ecstasy?    Capturing that sensation and rejoicing in it is what life is about. 

2.       Intimacy is the fuel of life:  Vulnerability, that feeling of knowing you can be your true self with someone else, the feeling of knowing that you are seen for who you really are and that you are valued and loved just the way you are, with all your flaws and imperfections, is the source of our greatest power as a human being.  Intimacy is the foundation of our greatest potential because it comes from being truthful, with ourselves and with our partners.  Emotional honesty is the basis of our true power.  Shutting ourselves off to others, keeping people at an arm’s distance does not protect us from being hurt, it prevents us from having the connections that are essential to our maturation as spiritual beings; it’s not the safety measure we have convinced ourselves it is.  Taking off our masks, baring our souls, telling our secrets, and truly opening up to another person is real freedom, it’s empowering.  We become stronger for telling our fears and fantasies to the person who supports us, nurtures us, who can love us with all our failures.  Sharing yourself with everyone isn’t optimal because some people have bad intentions, some people will try to use your secrets against you.  The key is honing your emotional I.Q. to determine who is worth your emotional investment and who isn’t.   When you claim your power, when you are comfortable within yourself and you can share your fears with another, when you let another person in your heart, you will learn that you can’t be hurt by your secrets because you own them.

3.       Casual sex does not happen without consequences:  We are disconnected from a healthy sense of sexuality.  We do not understand the beauty and power of sex so we have perverted it to being the equivalent of nude exercise, masturbation with someone else’s genitals, something we do in the dark for fun or release with anyone who is available.  Much of what arouses us comes from an unhealthy place: from being molested, from being made to feel ashamed of our natural desires, or from a need to try to feel attractive and worthy and desired. 

Sex is an exchange of energy.  Every time.  Every time you share your body with someone, you are taking in the other person’s energy.  We should be selective with whom we share our intimate selves.  We should feel connected to the person with whom we share our sexual selves.  We can never really know ourselves if we are constantly taking on the energy of others.  That is NOT saying that we should be celibate and monogamous.  It is saying that we should honor our sexuality as sacred and not give it to anyone and everyone but only to those whom have come into our lives for a reason. 

Having sex with strangers, with whom you have no connection, who you don’t “love” (not romantic Hollywood love but genuine concern, regard, and respect for them as a person whom you value) is a perversion of our true natures and not at all healthy.  An energetic bond is formed with the people you have sex with.  TV and movies have convinced us that casual sex is no big deal, that there are no consequences.  Emotions and feelings ARE formed when you have sex with someone.  If you don’t honor those feelings in yourself and in your partner, if you ignore them, you are sexually immature.   Having a string of lovers who you can’t even remember their names, who you don’t know, who you have no interest in getting to know, who you have lied to just to get a nut, is a perversion of your sexuality.  You become more and more disconnected from your highest potential when you sleep with people you have no relationship with. 

Think of your soul like baking a cake; every person you sleep with in an ingredient.  You only want to put the proper ingredients in the bowl.  Flour, sugar, eggs, and baking powder all make a sweet, delicious, fluffy cake.  If you start adding more ingredients: pepper, ketchup, cheese, or vinegar you end up with a mess that is inedible, disgusting; keep adding more and more ingredients to your bowl and soon you have a nasty mixture that resembles nothing like a cake..  Make sure you are only adding ingredients to your cake that will make your recipe taste good.  It takes time to get to know someone, to see what they are made of, to find out what they can add to your life.    Be selective with your partners.  Variety is not the spice of life, it’s the spice that will ruin your cake. 

4.       Celibacy is unhealthy:  Just like casual sex has its negative consequences, so does abstinence.  We are sexual beings, we come to this consciousness, this illusion of life through the act of sex, we were created through pleasure.  Denying our sexual natures is just as unhealthy as randomly having sex with anyone.  The connection and intimacy we share with someone when we have hot, sweaty, passionate sex is healing, it’s soothing, and it’s transformative.  Denying ourselves pleasure keeps us disconnected from our highest potential.  Extended abstinence is detrimental to our psyches, it chokes our creativity, it makes us anti-social, and it makes us hold tight to false beliefs that keep us from realizing our greatest potential.  With extended celibacy, our true natures as sexual beings is denied and it distorts our sense of self because we shut off that part of ourselves that is ESSENTIAL to our being. 

People who go without sex suffer energetically from being cut off from the sweetness of sex, the beauty of it, from the healing powers of being intimate with someone else.  Celibacy cuts us off from the divine.  When we have sex, when we experience that release, life is sweeter, colors are brighter, the birds sing a more beautiful song.  Our spirits are soothed from sex.  We are told that sex is bad and wrong and that we should deny it if we aren’t married but that’s the foundation of our sexual dysfunction.   While it’s not healthy to jump from bed to bed, from relationship to relationship just to have sex, it’s not healthy to deny our sexuality either.  There must be time for introspection and reflection when we lose a lover, we need to take time to heal our wounds and re-evaluate our sexual identities at the end of every relationship, but shutting off our sexuality for prolonged periods is equivalent to anorexia or some other self-inflicted harmful behavior that cuts us off from our true natures and damages us.  We are a society of extremes.  We must find moderation, especially with our sexuality, to find true enlightenment. 

5.       Sex should never be a financial exchange:  I don’t care what your women’s studies professor told you, I don’t care how many sex workers yell and scream that they are empowered by selling themselves, it doesn’t matter if you justify your choices because you rationalize that you had to sell sex for your survival, sex in exchange for money is detrimental.  It’s about power.  It’s about the person with money buying an object to use.  There is this movement to claim that sex work is empowering because the recipients are getting money and that is supposed to make the transaction empowering as long as the sex worker is “choosing” to be used.  Our belief that money makes the buying of a human being okay as long as they consent to it, our belief that having more expensive stuff than the next person, and our belief that giving yourself to someone who has purchased you is the root of the problem.  

If a woman has to sell her body to keep a roof over her head or feed her children, that does not mean it’s empowering just because she gets a few bucks thrown on the nightstand.  It means that we devalue women’s lives and bodies as little more than a thing to be used by men.  If a woman sleeps with basketball players and rappers because she wants to be seen as attractive and buy expensive clothes, it does not mean she is empowered, it means that she doesn’t know that her true value as a woman has nothing to do with the label on her purse or the cost of her shoes.   Human beings are not things to be bought and sold.  Prostitution is NOT the oldest profession in the world, that is the insane rationalization that women are not equal to men in order to justify their objectification.  God consciousness did not create women to be the sexual playthings of men, to be bought or sold, to sell themselves to please men.  The same applies to same-sex transactions.   Until we understand that, we will be tied to dysfunction. 

6.       Cheating is wrong:  It shouldn’t even have to be said.  It shouldn’t but it does. If you are with a partner and you are lying to them, if you are being deceptive and having sex with other people while committed to someone else, you are unhealthy and wrong.  If you sleep with people who are in relationships, even if you aren’t in a committed relationship yourself, you are wrong.  Lying destroys relationships; cheating hurts partners and families.  Sex cannot be what it’s meant to be if you a betraying the trust of someone else.  For many people, the rush of cheating makes sex more exciting to them.  Cheaters do not understand the beauty of sex, they do not grasp the power of sex, cheaters pervert the true meaning of sex.    The person you choose to share your life with should be the person you should be the most honest with: about your desires, about your sexuality, about everything in life.  Any sex that is based on duplicity and infidelity, any sex that is a betrayal of a promise you’ve made to someone else to be faithful, is dysfunctional. 

7.       Sex should be uplifting:  Sex should not be about degradation or humiliation.  We, the human beings who have come together to share consciousness in this time and space, have collective low self-esteem.  We are disconnected from our higher selves.   We think God is an all-seeing man who lives in the clouds who will punish us for having sex.  We have been told that we were born in sin, that we are inherently evil for our desires, that virginity equals virtue.  We have been beaten and humiliated by the people who were supposed to nurture and support us.  We have been shamed for our sexuality, convinced that we are wrong for our inherent sexual drives.  We have been molested, raped, and abused by adults who wanted to pervert our innocence.  We watch hours of porn where women are degraded and abused as if that is the natural order of life, as if women were created by God to be used and slapped and treated like receptacles of men’s rage and frustration and lust. 

Any society that convinces its people that sex is wrong is going to create a people who are filled with shame about the beauty of our true sexual selves.  The shame that we internalize, from whatever source, manifests itself as being aroused by being treated badly because we feel that we are undeserving, that we have no value, because we believe we are unlovable and unworthy.  Conversely, the need to feel better about ourselves, to feel as if we have true power and worth, can come out in a need to humiliate and degrade other people sexually, to make others feel bad about themselves.  That is a perversion of what sex should be.  Sex should be about pleasure, passion, eroticism, and sensuality, PERIOD.  The need to be aroused by being degraded, or by degrading others, comes from a place of dysfunction.  Healthy sexuality is about being equal and raising our vibrational frequency with our partners.  Sex IS empowering.  If humiliation and degradation are what turn you on, if you want to hurt or be hurt during sex, you are missing the real meaning of what sex is about. 

Your Sexual Secrets

The advent of the personal computer and the internet has created what I’m convinced is an epidemic of unhealthy behaviors.  EVERYONE, with so few exceptions as to be barely negligible, looks at, masturbates to, and is aroused by the myriad of porn and the extreme and various genres that are available literally at our fingertips.

Everyone has a sexual online identity that they would NEVER share with anyone else, that they don’t want another human being to know that they compartmentalize, hide, deny, and don’t acknowledge to even themselves.  Look at the user-submitted video sites online.  Look at how many videos are submitted DAILY that show people engaged in sexual behaviors that would never be considered mainstream or even discussion for polite society.  Even those of us who admit that we look at porn have sites we visit, we have things that arouse us that we would never share with another human being, not even our significant other.  The amount of extreme, fetish, and bizarre content that is available is all the proof I need.  It’s impossible to believe that only a handful of people are creating the volumes of extreme sexual content that exists online.  And for every individual who feels comfortable creating a video of themselves doing really extreme things, there are 10s of thousands, 100s of thousands, perhaps millions of individuals who would NEVER create or share a video of themselves, who would never comment on forums or message boards or take a chance that someone would link them with a subject matter that could be considered deviant. 

When I was growing up my mother had a collection of porn that was graphic and extreme and explicit.  To say that it was hardcore would be an understatement, it included every genre other than those that would be considered illegal.  My mother is as sexually-repressed and conservative, religious (hyper religious in fact), and as “normal” as the next person.  If she had that sort of collection, long before the internet was even a concept, then there is no way to convince me that in this day and age people’s normal curiosity doesn’t lead them, even those people who profess to be bastions of morality and chastity, to look at material that is “bizarre and weird”.  That sort of compartmentalization is unhealthy.   I look at porn that is bizarre and extreme and I happen to think that my sexual practices are far more conservative than most people.  I don’t’ compartmentalize my sexuality.  I make very concerted efforts to be honest with my partners about the types of things that have aroused me late at night, when I’m horny and lonely and desperate for arousal.    I’ve graduated from looking at the more tame genres to seeking out things that were once repulsive to me.  I know that when I do find a partner with whom I’m willing to share my body and my fantasies, that there will come a day when I MUST share ALL the things that have aroused me over the years.  I have to do that for myself, for our relationship, for the opportunity to be completely honest with not only him but with myself.

How many of us are ashamed of our sexuality?  We think that what we like, desire, fantasize about in private is different, extreme, and dirty in comparison to what society tells us is acceptable, to what other people like.  We don’t want to express our true desires to our lovers because we are afraid we will be judged, that we will be seen as abnormal, because we’ve been socialized to believe that what goes on between our legs is bad, dirty, and shameful. Join with me as we begin a new chapter in our lives in which we view our sexuality through different eyes, embrace our sensuality as part of our spirituality, and we begin to rethink the ways in which we’ve been taught to view pleasure at the various stages of our life. It's that sort of thinking that is revolutionary and AfroerotiK. 

Willful Ignorance

It’s the 21^st century.  We are living in a time when we have more access to information, to knowledge than any other time in recorded history.  It amazes me, it astounds me actually, the willful ignorance that abounds about sex and sexuality in this day and time truly boggles my mind.  We might as well be living in The Dark Ages with leeches to treat deadly plagues because people, the vast and overwhelming majority of people, believe the most stupid, asinine things about sexuality.   

Being bisexual does not mean that you have to be equally attracted to both men and women.  Being bisexual does not mean that you automatically want to form a romantic, emotional relationship with someone of the same gender, it simply means that you can have sex with both genders.  Just because you have a preference for one gender over the other that does not mean that you are somehow heterosexual.  It’s very possible to be sexually aroused by both genders without your masculinity or femininity being altered in any way.  If you are blindfolded and you are sexually stimulated you will be aroused regardless of the gender of person.  If a woman is sexually aroused by other women that does not mean she is going to become masculine NOR does it mean that a man is going to become feminine if he is sexually aroused by other men.  

Men and women have the EXACT same anatomy that allows them to experience arousal and pleasure when stimulated anally.  That’s not entirely true.  Men have a prostate that women do not have and when the prostate is stimulated, it provides pleasure.  Not just gay men.  Not just feminine men.  Not just some men.  ALL men have the potential to experience pleasure when stimulated anally.  It has nothing to do with a man’s sexual preference or his masculinity.  Bottoms, tops, sissies etc., they are all labels that reinforce the false belief that being a woman is synonymous with being submissive, being humiliated, being degraded and I have news for you, those things are not inherent to women.  There is no genetic markers that make women predisposed to being slapped, spit on, gangbanged or used.  If a man is anally aroused, putting on a dress and wearing stockings and heels does not make him a woman.  

Unfortunately, common sense, logic, reason, and facts have no bearing on the absurdity that people believe about sex and sexuality.  Black people especially.  Because we expect men to be one-dimensional, hyper-masculine Neanderthals, we claim that there is no such thing as bisexuality, that a man has to be gay if he is sexually aroused by both genders and that he’s just denying it.  Because we are so desperate to believe the white man’s religion that was beaten into us, we turn our backs on plain truths that can’t be denied.  There is no big bad sky daddy who watches what we do in the bedroom and who is offended by our pleasure.  We believe all sorts of truly stupid things: that the tightness of a man’s jeans or the color of his shirt can determine if he’s bisexual, that only bisexual men are responsible for the spread of HIV.  This is 2015 and people really believe that.  There is too much information at our fingertips, there is too much damn porn in genres that have to be seen to actually be believed that prove beyond all reasonable doubt that people are aroused by far more than heterosexual, missionary sex on a Friday night with the lights out.  Yet we live in willful ignorance and pretend that humans are supposed to be asexual and chaste.  I’ll tell you what’s a sin.  It’s sinful that we choose to be so close-minded and brainwashed.