My Man

I recently communicated with my ex-husband with whom I've not spoken in 22 years.  I've had a lot of time to heal from his betrayal and lies but while he moved on, well, he married his mistress, I've not found true and abiding love in the subsequent decades.  I have to confess, that physically, my ex-husband is my ideal.  I was as physical attracted to him the day we broke up as the day we met.  I find it ironic that several of my current requirements he had when we were married but I found them offensive or not assets at the time.  My tastes and standards have evolved tremendously as well as my knowledge of self.  I get that one can never find perfection, and I’m not seeking perfection but merely someone perfect for ME.  I am utilizing all of the law of attraction methods I know to manifest a man who matches my needs.  I would like to be partnered.  I would like to find a mate with whom I can share my time and space and energy, whom I can love and be loved by.  We all have our preferences and tastes but I think that with the closure I had with my ex-husband that the Universe might just see fit to bring me someone incredibly close to what and who I am looking for. 

It seems that any time I write about my preferences in a mate people get their panties in a bunch, because apparently, nothing offends people more than me stating what I want in my partner.   I always seem to get the most vitriolic and hateful responses from people who feel that my standards are too high or they don't like my criteria because they don’t meet them or they don’t want the same thing I want in a partner. I’ve been told more times than I can count that I should lower my standards and be satisfied with the superficial criteria they use in choosing a partner or that my criteria is impossible to find and I’m being unrealistic.  My response to my detractors is this:  1. I’m not average.  I’m not looking for someone average.  I am not asking for anything that I don’t bring to the table.  If I exist, then certainly there is someone out there who matches my energy.  2. I don’t really care if you are offended by my list.  If you don’t meet my criteria or you want something different in a partner, that’s fine by me.  

Finally, I'm always willing to compromise on the things I want but I'm not willing to settle on what will make me happy.   I know the elements that are essential for me to be happy in a relationship and I know the things that are niceties that are the icing on the cake.  I would never overlook a man who brings all the essential components I require to the table just because he’s not the right height or he doesn’t have every single thing I am asking for.  More importantly, it’s not anyone’s business to tell me what I should or shouldn’t compromise on.   

Shall we begin?  OK. 

It goes without saying that he must be a Black man.  I'm outrageously turned on by someone the same skin tone as me as I adore making love and seeing our limbs intertwined and not knowing where I end and he begins.  Again, it’s my preference, but I'm putting it out there what I want.  I’m attracted to a man’s essence, his character, his intellect, his integrity, and his gigantic heart so he can be any shade under the sun from blue black to ultra light.  His consciousness must, however, be that of a Black man.  I don’t want an assimilated, acculturated man who wants to be white or thinks that we should all be colorless.  I want a Black man, inside and out. 

I'm attracted to men who are 6'3" or 6'4".  I'm 5'10", I love to wear heels, and that height just fits me perfectly.  I'm much more apt to date someone shorter rather than taller because, oddly enough men who are 6'5" or taller just "don't fit".  5'11" is the absolute shortest I'd want to go but my dream man is 6'3" tall.  I’ve found that physical attraction is a key component in the integrity of my relationships.  I was not physically attracted to my last partner and I convinced myself that I was attracted to him physically because I was so attracted to his intellect.  Looking back, I remember times being in the grocery store and holding hands with him and feeling uncomfortable because in the back of my mind I didn’t find him attractive.  I didn’t consciously acknowledge it but I knew it was always going to be there from the minute I laid eyes on him.  I love a man who is 6’3” because it makes me feel warm and tingly when I stand on my toes to kiss.  I love the sensation of having a man be taller than me when I’m dressed up and we go out.  I love the way I can find my exact spot in his arms when we are snuggled in bed, they way my body conforms to his.  I love the look of a man in a suit when it falls just right  . . . it just gives me chills.   

It's hypocritical of me to suggest I want a man whose body is tone when I know good and god damn well that I'm currently 20 pounds over my ideal weight.   I would like to think that there is a man who is active and trim, not a gym rat, not a hard body, who doesn’t mind a woman with some mature curves.  I don't at all intend to stay the weight that I am currently but I also don't think I have to be perfect before I find the man who is perfect for me either.  If I meet a man and he’s got a few extra pounds, we can work it off together.  I’m cool with that.  I’ve dated men who were big and handsome and, again, it’s about maintaining that physical attraction.  I don’t want to have to manufacture attraction to my mate.  I want it to be organic and real. 

I'm not a size queen.  I don't want a guy with a gigantic dick.  Ouch!  I much prefer average to slightly above average.  Seven inches would be perfect for me.  And while we are talking about sex, I’d like him to be sensual, romantic, and erotic.  They are all different things and I’d like him to be versed in all of them.  His sexual skill has to have evolved past hitting it, stabbing it, and killing it.  If he’s willing to take his time and pleasure me, I’m going to put it on him like he stole something.  He MUST understand the art of being verbal during sex but it can’t be based on calling me a slut or a whore.  His skill must have evolved past what he learned when he was 16.   I love exploring fantasies with my partner but he must be evolved enough to understand that everything I think about are not things I always want to do.  Sometimes, I just enjoy talking about taboo, kinky things.  I’m addicted to intimacy so it’s about sharing and being transparent and being completely open, it’s not about going out and doing everything that crosses my mind.  Finding a man who gets that is essential. 

I actually prefer a hairless man.  I modicum of body hair is not at all a turn off but very hairy men don't do it for me.  Smooth, baby soft skin?  I’m drooling.  Oh, and I have a thing for hands.  I’m not even sure I know what it is but something about a man’s hands and fingers captivate me.  It’s not a fetish or anything and I don’t even know what sort of hands I like, I just know that I like nice hands. 

I will not date a Christian man.  Never again.  I would prefer he not be atheist because atheists tend not to acknowledge the wonder of the universe and how Divinely ordered we all are collectively.  Any and all organized religion is off the table with the exception that I will consider dating a man who is Buddhist.  My preference is someone who is spiritual, not religious, and who has a holistic, integrated view of science and consciousness interconnecting.  What?  It's my dream man.  I can ask for whatever I want.  Meditation, yoga, some centering/grounding practice is a must. 

I will never ever again in life date a man who identifies as heterosexual.  He must be OPENLY bisexual.  He has to be comfortable with his identity as a versatile, bisexual, Black man.  He has to be anally aroused and have toys to satisfy his needs when he is without a partner because he is discerning.  I will not tolerate someone who goes out and hooks up with strangers and sucks men off in glory holes to satisfy his cravings for sex with another man.  He must have loved another man, been in a relationship with another man.  He will be comfortable with his identity as bisexual, just as I am, and he will not be obsessed with unsafe and dangerous behaviors because he's tormented by not being straight.  This is an absolute, no compromising. 

He must be monogamous!  I'm bisexual and monogamous so I expect that from my partner.  Once I find my ideal partner, I want to focus all my time and energy on loving him.  I want him to do the same for me.  I get that it's unpopular to identify as monogamous these days but there are so many unhealthy, dysfunctional people in the world that when I find the man created for me, I don't want to bring another person's energy into our relationship.  I will work like a Hebrew slave to make sure that we stay happy, that we communicate our needs, desires, fears, and concerns with one another.  That takes commitment.  Having other people in and out of our bed will only serve to be a distraction and potentially infect our relationship with their negative or unhealthy energy. 

If he is a kinkster, meaning he is in the BDSM world, I would prefer that his role be that of a Dom to white men exclusively.  Black doms who dominate white women?  No thanks.  I want nothing to do with men who think it's a turn on to be a BBC nigger buck/bull.  If fucking white women is a turn on for you, I'm not the woman for you.  I will not even entertain the idea of a man who dominates Black women. You are degrading your mother, your sister, your daughter.   I want our relationship to be one of equals, partners, who love each other passionately, not a power play.  I am not submissive, I will not ever be submissive.  I do not desire to dominate my partner.  I am not attracted to men who want to be submissive to me.  He doesn't have to be a kinkster but if he is, I would like him to enjoy dominating white men with me.  (We can discuss and negotiate if we will do it together as a couple and how we will deal with the sexual element).  I'm perfectly fine if he's not in the life as well but I'm hoping that he will be understanding of the fact that a significant portion of my sexual arousal comes from divesting white men of the fallacy of white supremacy. 

If I'm creating the perfect partner and the ideal life together, I would like to us to share the perfect submissive together.  I would like it if we could find one white man who would belong to us, whose energies matches our own.  I don’t want a full time/live in sub, just one who could play when the need strikes us.  Since I’m using up all this manifesting energy, I should probably take the time to make out my own little list of all the things I’m looking for in an ideal submissive.  Finding my lover is the most important thing.  If he has no interest in dominating white men, I never have to dominate another white man as long as I live. 

Culturally he has to be super Black, Black-Black-blackety-black.  I don't care if he is as light skinned as Walter White (don’t ask, look him up), I need him to make Jesse Williams look like an arm chair activist.  He has to be committed to the liberation of Black minds.  My greatest fear is that I will find a man who is all the things I’m looking for and he won’t meet this one criteria.  I want him to love black art, and be knowledgeable about black history, and listen to jazz and love Alvin Ailey as much as I do but something in my gut tells me that the man who is created for me won’t be willing to confront racism with as much unapologetic fervor as I do.  I don’t want that to be an issue of contention for us.  It’s all speculation and conjecture because obviously I haven’t found anyone even close to meeting my standards yet but something tells me, I have a very strong FEELING, that this is the one thing that will challenge us most.

Politically, he has to be as left-leaning as one can get before falling off the scale and landing in Guantanamo.  I need a socialist who believes in helping the poor and the under-educated become self-sufficient.  Moderates are offensive to me.  Conservatives are repulsive and repugnant.  He has to see himself mirrored in people of all nationalities and colors around the world as well as fight for our unity, not our division. 

While he does not have to be as intellectual as I am, he must be well-read, he must be entertained by music and art and literature that is far beyond what the masses consume.  I want him to love to dance, and if he can salsa that would be a huge plus.  He not only has to read, he has to be captivated by my writing and want to devour everything I've ever written.  I want him to love the theater, and not those crappy Madea plays.  I want him to enjoy neo soul and rare grooves and world music and straight ahead jazz.  If he is well-versed in many topics and can speak about them articulately at dinner parties, I don’t need him to understand the fundamentals of quantum physics or explain the axiological parameters of indigenous consciousness.  I can discuss those things with academic colleagues. 

My man is creative/artistic.  I want him to be able to express himself with music or art or painting or sculpture or acting, hell, it can be jewelry making.  I can’t stand men whose only interests are sports and video games.  They bore me.  I want someone who is passionate about creating art.  My art is my writing.  I want to create art together.  I want to write songs together or a play or create some lasting and profound body of work that is our creative baby. 

Actually, I should re-order my list to make his emotional traits first.  To say that I want a man who is emotionally mature is an understatement.  He MUST be emotionally mature, first and foremost, not compromise.  He has to apologize when he’s wrong, he has to be able to communicate his concerns without projecting and deflecting blame or guilt.  He can’t be self-centered.  He has to know his issues and his triggers and be constantly working on them. He must be driven to evolve constantly.  His commitment to honesty and integrity is imperative.  I need an excellent, effective communicator.  He has to prioritize our relationship and understand that the minute he isn’t happy, he has to tell me so that we can decide if it’s time to move on or we need to change the dynamics of our relationship.  I am not tolerating a sexist, patriarchal, misogynist man.  He’s not like that at all.  I know him.  I feel him. 

Weed, or natural botanicals are the only drugs I’m comfortable with him doing.  We both drink alcohol in moderation.  I’m lacto-ovo pescatarian but I don’t mind a carnivore at all.  His food tastes have to be advanced beyond fried chicken wings from the Chinese spot, or the same boring foods that he eats over and over however.  A bit of a foodie would be awesome.  An organic foodie would be preferable.  My man has a unique sense of style.  He can wear a tuxedo and look damn good and wear jeans without looking like a 20-something rapper. 

One of the most essential traits for my man is that he can’t be intimidated by me.  He can’t be intimidated by my intellect, my activism, or by letting my star shine.  He has to be completely comfortable with the enigmatic being that I am and still see all the facets of me, even the fragile, insecure, damaged parts.  He has to be supportive and nurturing and be my biggest cheerleader. 

Notice I didn’t include car or job or income or wealth or house or any of those things.  Those things don’t matter to me.  Those things are truly superficial.  I would like a man whose aesthetic tastes are complimentary to my own so that one day, when we build a house together and furnish it, that it can be filled with the art and furnishings that we both love.  I would love our garden to feed all our friends and family and neighbors.  I would love to make love to him every single solitary day until we are old and ready to transition.  That’s my dream. 

Well, there you have it Universe.  I’ve put it out there.  If I can see it, I can achieve it.  Bring forth the manifestations of my desires to me now.  And so it is! 

My Emotional Needs

Every person is going to have different emotional needs based on their life experiences and their personality.  What many people don’t grasp, understand, or acknowledge is that events from our childhood, events that happened that we don’t even remember, psychological factors form our identities and how we process our emotions.  A great many people, the overwhelming and vast majority of people have never once considered or examined those things, those contributing factors to understand why they are the way they are.  I’m not that lucky. 

For ME, and me alone, I was raised by an emotionally and psychologically disturbed, unloving, physically abusive mother.  For the first, most formative years of my life, I was raised, however, by my grandparents who did an exceptional job of loving me and laying the foundation for me to be SOMEWHAT sane.  Many of my emotional needs stem from the psychological abuse my mother inflicted upon me. 

My first essential, primary, instinctual need is to feel loved.  Now, for most people, saying, “I love you,” means, I want to be in a relationship with you.  That’s not nearly enough for me.  I need to see your love evidenced.  Love is a verb.  Love is action, not words.  Love is showing me that you value me more than any other person, that you want my happiness, that you appreciate my talent and gifts and you’re willing to nurture them, that you respect them, that you are willing to put the needs of the relationship above your own personal, selfish needs.  If you curse me out, call me names, if you do things to intentionally hurt me, that’s not love, that’ abuse.  Love is not having to be asked to fix chicken soup and orange juice when I’m sick because your heart hurts when you see me in pain.  Love is cleaning off my car when it snows without me having to ask.  Love is making note of something I said I want six months before my birthday.   I NEED to feel loved.  I need to feel like my presence in your life is essential and that you would be “less than” without me.  It doesn’t mean buying me things, although sometimes that may be part of the package, but I need to feel like when I’m not in your physical presence that you are thinking about me and that it is your desire to make me happy . . . because you know and see and feel that I love you equally as intensely. 

I NEED honesty.  Honesty is not an emotional need however.  The emotional need is trust.  I’ve yet to meet the man who understands the concept of true honesty.  In this society, lying is first nature.  Most people lie by their first interaction with another human being during the day. Most people lie more than tell the truth.  I need honesty in ways that most people have never contemplated.  If you’ve never made a concerted effort to make sure that every word out of your mouth is true, then you lie habitually and constantly.  I have spent the last 20 years of my life trying very hard to make sure that I not only tell the truth but that I confess my lies when I tell one.  It’s hard work.  But, with that, comes the trust I need in a relationship.  I need to know that you will tell me if you aren’t happy, if you meet someone you find attractive, I need to know if you can confess when you lie.  I need to trust with all my heart that you will protect my heart.  I’ve said it to every lover and none of them have honored their promise.  I can handle the truth.  I can handle when you tell me something bad, something embarrassing, something regrettable.  I can handle you telling me that you cheated.  I can handle the truth.  If you tell me that you did something heinous and reprehensible, and you explain to me why you did it, and you come to me in HONESTY, we can figure out what made you do that particular thing, it’s possible I might be able to forgive you.  More than likely I won’t even be upset or mad.  More than likely, if you tell me the truth, if you tell me the thing that you think is going to make me hate you, I will simply see you as human and capable of making a mistake or being misguided or being damaged, like we all are.  If you lie . . . if you lie and don’t come clean and confess and make every effort to tell the truth so that I know that I can trust you, the relationship is over. 

My mother has never been supportive of me a day in her life.  Never once has my mother said, “You can do it, I believe in you.”  Because of that I need a lover who can be my cheerleader.  That means being able to make coffee and hand out flyers for the movement.  Seriously, it means I need you to see the vision I have for AfroerotiK and be able to contribute to my efforts, not deter from them.    What do you do well?  Show me that you believe in me not only with words but with your actions.  Are you going to set up the chairs for an AfroerotiK event, are you going to make sure the club owner has the right music queued up?  If all you are going to do is show up after everything is set up, and leave before everything is broken down, you are dead weight and I don’t need you in my life.  Of course, I understand if you have RESPONIBILITIES that prevent you from being there each and every time, but your support should be the rule, not the exception.  If you have to take your mother to the doctor’s, if you have to handle an emergency at work . . . I will certainly understand if you can’t be there for me on occasion.  But being supportive of me means knowing what projects I have in the works, getting a business card from someone you meet that you think might be able to help me.  It means that your only focus in life is not your career or the things that directly affect you but that you will make sure that I have quiet time when I need to write and you won’t pout and be self-centered and act like my every waking moment should be spent attending to you. 

When I was a child, a very small child in fact, my mother would get mad at me and not speak to me for WEEKS.  I lived in the same house with my mother who would go two, three, four weeks without saying a word to me.  I have the emotional need of being listened to, of being heard, of being respected, of being forgiven for my wrongdoings, and for basic communication.  I need my lover to be able to articulate his feelings in a healthy, constructive manner.  He can be mad at me all he wants.  He can’t be mad at me and not tell me about it.  He can’t expect me to know why he’s mad.  What he can’t do is not talk to me for extended periods of time.  That hurts me.  If he can’t express his feelings in a healthy way, I feel that same horrible isolation and fear that I felt as a young girl and that’s not good. 

I need to be valued for more than my gender role.  I am not sure what emotional need that would be.  Respected?  Appreciated?  I get that for thousands of years women have been relegated to the role of domestic, cook, maid, and child care provider.  I cannot and will not be in a relationship with anyone who thinks that my vagina makes me the only person in the household who can clean a toilet or dust.  We have to be able to sit down and figure out a system where I don’t feel like I’m your maid or where I feel like I’m being taken advantage of because you are holding on to absurd ideas about what a woman brings to the table.  I bring empathy, compassion, intellect, integrity.  Yes, I’m a very neat, clean, tidy person but it’s not my job, there is nothing about my uterus that designates that I have to follow behind you and clean up after you.  I need the spirit of cooperation in my relationship for me to flourish emotionally. 

Those are MY emotional needs.  If I have each of those needs met, I am desperate to fulfill every single solitary sexual fantasy my partner has.  Other women, obviously, will have other needs to varying degrees.  It’s the responsibility of each partner in a relationship to communicate their needs and work to helping their partner getting their emotional needs met.  That could be anything from being admired, feeling safe, feeling proud, or being in control, etc.   Men have emotional needs as well but they really haven’t done the work to know what they are.  Most men confuse their emotional needs with their physical needs.  They want to feel special and unique and they think that a woman having sex with them is sufficient to fill that need.  They don’t know how to communicate or express their fears or insecurities so they look for sex to fill that void.  The point is, even if your partner doesn’t know what their emotional needs are in the same way I do, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have them nor does it mean that they can be ignored.  In a relationship, you should be working to figure out what your emotional needs are, as they should always be evolving, and the need or your partner based on their actions and patterns, in order to build a stronger partnership.