Verifying Your Heterosexuality

For some years now, I’ve been in search of my openly bi, monogamous, non-Christian, emotionally mature divine-right partner.  I’ve never even come close to finding him.  I dated a man who shared my spiritual beliefs but who couldn’t stop fucking anything with a vagina.  I’ve dated several men who could stay monogamous for the short time we were together but they were extraordinarily emotionally immature.  I’ve never dated a man who was openly bi.  I’ve met and engaged with men who were bi in the hopes of forming a relationship, but I’ve never met any who were open about it.  They all struggled with their identity.  Oddly enough, they all started out proclaiming how heterosexual they really were.  Once they got it, once they figured out that I was really interested in an openly bisexual man and I wasn’t trying to trick them into revealing that they were down low so I could denigrate and degrade them, then all of a sudden, they miiiiiiiiiiight have experimented with something in their ass at some point and time or once or twice may have maaaaaaybe looked at tranny porn.  Once they realize I’m legit and I really am romantically interested in bisexual men, then comes the time when they confess how much they love dick.   They say that they have to lie about it because Black women will cut their dicks off if they tell the truth about it.

And I fully acknowledge and respect that a great many Black women are foaming at the mouth to demonize Black men for any sexuality that isn’t reflective of a Macho, Macho Man (I’ve got to be a Macho MAN!) demeanor. 

Here’s the thing.  I’m not aroused by heterosexuality.  I find the concept of heterosexuality to be juvenile and dysfunctional (and created by white men to perpetuate their egomaniacal need to oppress, dominate, and degrade women).  Human beings are capable of fluid sexuality.  All human beings, regardless of gender or race or whatever religion they practice, are capable of fluid sexuality. The men who insist that they are 100% straight, the ones who boast and brag about how straight they are and feel the need to verify it constantly in their conversations, the ones who are adamant that if another man sends them a message on Fetlife, they should fear for their lives, the men who act like they are going to vomit and convulse and die if they see another naked man, are 1. lying, and 2. offensive to me. 

This macho/masculine posturing is a deeply-ingrained part of Black male psyche.  It seems Black men need to constantly validate how heterosexual they are because they are the standard for male sexuality.  They have better bodies, they have bigger dicks, they are ostensibly better in bed, and they are lusted after by everyone.  Black male heterosexuality is the standard for machismo.  Black men are supposed to be driven by sexual lust, they are supposedly consumed with raping white women and making abandoned babies with Black women.  The Black man must be straight at all costs and he has to prove it constantly by reinforcing how he’s NEVER once thought about anything sexually other than “pussy” (women aren’t even usually given the respect of referring to us as human beings, we are only what we possess between our silky thighs).  

Now, FOR ME, and I understand that I’m in the minority but there are other Black women who respect and are aroused by bisexual Black men, I find the constant need to remind me that you are heterosexual to be immature.  It’s 2020.  We’ve all had access to the internet for more than 2 decades.  If someone says to me that they have never seen gay porn, I have to ask why.  You’ve never been curious enough to click on one video?  You think your heterosexuality is that fragile that you think that if you looked at gay porn that you would turn gay?  I’ve looked at every genre of porn there is just to see what it was about and I’ve never feared that my sexual identity would change if I just watched something.  I’ve watched people getting fucked by dogs and I’ve never had a desire to have sex with a dog so I feel pretty safe exploring the internet.  Why is it so hard to find a man who can admit that he’s watched gay porn? 

The few men I’ve met who identified as bisexual were still caught up in verifying their heterosexuality.  “Oh, I don’t kiss men.”  “I top, I don’t bottom,” , “I only like passable trannies, the ones that look like women,” and they ever-popular, “I am not really attracted to men, just dick.”  For the record, all of those perspectives are equally as unhealthy and dysfunctional as the, “I’ve NEVER thought about being with another man,” perspective.  And all those things are evidence that they still think there is something wrong with being bisexual or gay.  There has to be one brotha out there who gets that being bisexual is natural and nothing to be ashamed of, that it doesn't make him less of a man.  Where for art thou?

Everything we know about sexuality and gender is WRONG.  There is no law of nature that says that the rods and cones in a man’s eyes can’t appreciate and respect the color pink or a beautiful rose yet white men have convinced us that men can't like soft pretty, pink things.  Heels and makeup and all the trappings of what women are supposed to wear were all created by white men, not found in nature.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to say that women are supposed to wear heels and makeup when those things are the invention of men, not the divine power that created us.  To say that only women can wear pantyhose and dresses, man-made inventions, is to conform to the limited, fucked up mindset of the people who created those rules.  And the people who created gender rules were fucked up because it was there agenda to make men superior when we should all be considered equals. 

All people, all men and women are capable of being aroused anally.  There is no moral code, no extreme strength of character, no number of swinging inche between a man's legs that prevents some manly, masculine Alpha men from liking anal stimulation.  It’s biological.  Like crying.  If men have tear ducts, it means they are supposed to cry.  But we believe that if a man cries, that makes him . . . duhn, duhn, duhn, . . . weak, it makes him . . . a woman, and there is nothing more repulsive for a man to be than a woman, right?  Look at the rise in cross dressers over the last decade.  White men are buying more women’s clothing than women.  All because they think that if they like anal stimulation that means they are a woman.  How stupid is that?  It’s 2020 and we collectively believe that if a man likes anal penetration, that means he’s  immoral, he’s transgendered, or he’s gay.  It’s past time we stop believing these ridiculous and flawed gender rules.  They were made by white men with little dicks in order to try to control and oppress women. 

Black men are tied to proving how heterosexual they are but that’s extremely unappealing to me.  I want a brotha who doesn’t think he’s gay or immoral if he likes a finger in his ass when he’s getting his dick sucked.  Fuck around, I want a brotha who has kissed another man, I want a brotha who has loved another man; one who has been penetrated by and penetrated another man.  I want one who can admit that he’s looked at every genre of porn, and even one who can admit to being aroused by fringe and fetish porn.  I want a man who doesn’t have to lie about his sexuality and prove that he’s such a real man that he has never ever ever looked at anything other than straight porn. 

Do white men do it too?  Hell yes they do.  But white have the stigma of having little dicks so they are more apt to pretend to be alpha and straight in social settings and in public but their secret sexual identities are tied to being sissy faggots the second they are behind closed doors.  White men love to overcompensate and prove how straight they are, how dominant and alpha they are, but I don’t really give a fuck about white men’s mental health.  I don’t care if they lie about what they like.  I do care that Black men are so sexually and emotionally stunted that they are still holding on to concepts that will prevent them from ever forming a healthy relationship if they have to constantly lie about natural feelings, sensations, inclinations and proclivities.  We have to start being more honest with ourselves, with our partners.   

Your Sexual Secrets

The advent of the personal computer and the internet has created what I’m convinced is an epidemic of unhealthy behaviors.  EVERYONE, with so few exceptions as to be barely negligible, looks at, masturbates to, and is aroused by the myriad of porn and the extreme and various genres that are available literally at our fingertips.

Everyone has a sexual online identity that they would NEVER share with anyone else, that they don’t want another human being to know that they compartmentalize, hide, deny, and don’t acknowledge to even themselves.  Look at the user-submitted video sites online.  Look at how many videos are submitted DAILY that show people engaged in sexual behaviors that would never be considered mainstream or even discussion for polite society.  Even those of us who admit that we look at porn have sites we visit, we have things that arouse us that we would never share with another human being, not even our significant other.  The amount of extreme, fetish, and bizarre content that is available is all the proof I need.  It’s impossible to believe that only a handful of people are creating the volumes of extreme sexual content that exists online.  And for every individual who feels comfortable creating a video of themselves doing really extreme things, there are 10s of thousands, 100s of thousands, perhaps millions of individuals who would NEVER create or share a video of themselves, who would never comment on forums or message boards or take a chance that someone would link them with a subject matter that could be considered deviant. 

When I was growing up my mother had a collection of porn that was graphic and extreme and explicit.  To say that it was hardcore would be an understatement, it included every genre other than those that would be considered illegal.  My mother is as sexually-repressed and conservative, religious (hyper religious in fact), and as “normal” as the next person.  If she had that sort of collection, long before the internet was even a concept, then there is no way to convince me that in this day and age people’s normal curiosity doesn’t lead them, even those people who profess to be bastions of morality and chastity, to look at material that is “bizarre and weird”.  That sort of compartmentalization is unhealthy.   I look at porn that is bizarre and extreme and I happen to think that my sexual practices are far more conservative than most people.  I don’t’ compartmentalize my sexuality.  I make very concerted efforts to be honest with my partners about the types of things that have aroused me late at night, when I’m horny and lonely and desperate for arousal.    I’ve graduated from looking at the more tame genres to seeking out things that were once repulsive to me.  I know that when I do find a partner with whom I’m willing to share my body and my fantasies, that there will come a day when I MUST share ALL the things that have aroused me over the years.  I have to do that for myself, for our relationship, for the opportunity to be completely honest with not only him but with myself.

How many of us are ashamed of our sexuality?  We think that what we like, desire, fantasize about in private is different, extreme, and dirty in comparison to what society tells us is acceptable, to what other people like.  We don’t want to express our true desires to our lovers because we are afraid we will be judged, that we will be seen as abnormal, because we’ve been socialized to believe that what goes on between our legs is bad, dirty, and shameful. Join with me as we begin a new chapter in our lives in which we view our sexuality through different eyes, embrace our sensuality as part of our spirituality, and we begin to rethink the ways in which we’ve been taught to view pleasure at the various stages of our life. It's that sort of thinking that is revolutionary and AfroerotiK. 

Ms Bisexual 2013

Trust me when I say that sistas are more scheming, lying, and down low than brothas when it comes to being bisexual.  I’m bisexual and I wear my label proudly.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say to me, almost verbatim, "Well, yes, I am attracted to both men and women but am I really bisexual, who knows?"  Goddamn!  I know.  If you are attracted to both men and women, YOUR AZZ IS BISEXUAL.   The rejection of the term bisexual by women is annoying to me when CLEARLY so many women are-- they are just afraid to admit it.  This whole, "I'm not going to say I'm bisexual because it has a negative connotation," bullshit is a cop out.  There's nothing negative about saying you are bisexual except that people would rather continue to perpetuate homophobia than admit the truth.  

I don't drink a lot.  I might have a drink once in two or three months, maybe once or twice a month if I'm being particularly social.  Can I claim that I'm not a drinker?  No.  Frequency doesn't dictate my "label."  I feel no need to make up another term to describe my drinking habits because I drink so infrequently.  No, I'm not an alcoholic; yes, I am a drinker.  See?  No shame in that.  I am a non-smoker.  I don't smoke, have never smoked, and have no desire to smoke.  I can wear my non-smoker label proudly.  People who smoke socially, or who only smoke when they are stressed out can't claim that they are non-smokers.  They give up that right when they take a puff.  Women who have sex with other women can't claim that they aren't bisexual because they only let women go down on them, they don't go down on other women.  It just can't work that way.  That's delusional rationalization and unhealthy.  No, that's insanity. 

I’ve heard the ever-popular, “I don’t like labels,” but women NEVER seem to mind the label of heterosexual, they only have problems with that bisexual label.  I always hear, “I am not bisexual because I’m not attracted to women emotionally, just sexually.”  That would be great if we were defining the word bi-emotional.  This sista told me once that she wasn’t bisexual because she didn’t like the reaction people gave her when she told them she was bisexual.  Read that again.  She wasn’t bisexual because she didn’t like the reaction people gave her when she told them she was.  How is that logical?  Okay, I’m not Black because I don’t like the way white people treat me.  There isn’t a planet in the universe where that shit makes sense.  You can’t define who you are by how other people treat you.  

The most popular excuse for why women don’t consider themselves bisexual, by far, is, “I PREFER sex with men.”  Well, of course, if you have sex with a woman and you don’t really enjoy it as much as you do when you are having sex with a man, that means you earned the right to be called a heterosexual.  RIGHT!  The definition of bisexual in the dictionary is of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of either sex.  Nowhere does it say, “only if you initiate sex with persons of the same sex.”

Men I can understand.  Black men are demonized for being bisexual.  Bisexual women are exalted in this society, men’s ultimate objectification fantasy.  We do ourselves a disservice by denying who we are.  It’s untruthful and damaging.