Having a Pussy is NOT a Job

There seems to be this thought process, this commonly-held belief that being a woman, that having a pussy is some sort of form of employment, that a vagina is a commodity men must purchase in order to be able to enjoy it, that sex is a business.  I’m here to say that while that’s what a pussy might have become in this patriarchal, misogynist, sexist, oppressive society, I’m here to boldly declare that having a pussy is not a job. 

I’ve heard and witnessed several conversations, exchanges, diatribes, monologues, and debates as of late where this notion that women who are not “selling it” are disadvantaged.  Supposedly, the poor, unfortunate women who not selling pussy are bitter and angry because they are not getting paid for what other women are profiting from.  There seems to be this deluded notion that a woman’s role in life is to please a man and that he must pay for that right.  When you have a society based on the concept that God is a man and he created woman for man, you will forever had a warped perception of what a woman is supposed to be.  People will even tell you that selling pussy is the oldest profession, that women were selling pussy long before any other sorts of business transactions were being made.  That is absurd.  Sex was for procreation.  Sex was for recreation.  Sex was for meditative, transcendent pleasure.  Sex was not for purchase until men decided that they needed to find a way to control women, to harness women’s power, to deny them pleasure.  Let me tell you something here and now, as long as men and women believe this lie, as long as women are seeing their pussies as something of value that men can purchase, intimate, healthy relationships are going to suffer the consequences of such warped beliefs. 

A woman’s body was not ever intended to be something to be purchased.  I’m here to boldly declare that having a pussy is a privilege, an awesome responsibility, at times a burden, but it is not now, nor was it ever intended to be way to make money.  Women give birth; we are the victims of rape, molestation, and abuse. We are used for no other reason than we can provide men carnal pleasure. Capitalism, money, business are all man-made concepts, and rather warped concepts spiritually.  When you pay for something you own it and no man should ever be able to say that he owns a woman’s most sacred space.  Women who sell pussy are not empowered, they are pawns in the game that men control.  Ultimately, it’s men who determine their worth.  Women have to meet the impossibly high standards of men’s tiny definition of beauty and femininity to be considered valuable.  Women who sell pussy are dependent upon men for their sense of self worth.  When the men stop paying for it, where does she turn to find her value?  Caring for a man and pleasing him is not a woman’s responsibility in life, it’s her choice to do so when she finds a partner who values and pleases her. 

I’m here to say that as a woman who has NEVER sold her pussy, not once, not for a car note, not for a rent payment, not for any dollar amount, I don’t feel bitter or angry at the women who are selling it.  I have never had sex unless it was for love or lust and I’m perfectly fine with that.  I know that my mind and my heart are my greatest assets, that I don’t need a man to validate my worth.  I know that I’m not an object to be purchased and replaced by some man who is going to buy me like he buys the next woman who gets his dick hard.  I know that I was not created to serve a man, to cater to his whims, I know that my job as wife/lover is not to “make it hot for my husband.”  My job as a partner and lover and spouse is to support my husband as he supports me.  It’s not a one-sided transaction where he fills his lust because he’s been out all day making money and I’m supposed to be at home fixing dinner and cleaning the house to keep him happy.  Sex, either in marriage or without, should never be about money.  It cheapens the value of women when they sell it and it warps the minds of men who pay for it because they think that women are items to be bought and sold.  Sex should be about intimacy, passion, lust, pleasure, communication, prayer.  Sex should be about sharing time and energy with the person you love.  When sex becomes a bargaining chip, a service rendered for a payment, a chore or duty for which compensation is required, then sex itself becomes vulgar.  And as hard as it is for some men to believe, every woman does not sell her pussy, whether it’s for dinner or in marriage.  Many do.  Maybe most have been conditioned to think of their pussies as for sale. 

Women, empower yourself.  Redefine yourself.  You are not worth whatever a man will pay for you, you are priceless.  Your value is not in the number of designer shoes you own or the car you drive or being able to pay your bills because you can give great head.  You were not put on earth to be the mistress, maid, or cook for men.  Your role as a woman is not to stand behind a man but to stand beside him, to build with him, not do his bidding.  Ask yourself how much a man is willing to pay for your goods and services and then multiply that times a number so large you can’t comprehend it to know your true worth.  Men, you will forever be emotionally stunted and immature as long as you think pussy has a price tag.  See a woman’s value in her integrity, her character, her intellect, not in the fat, wetness between her legs.  You are perpetrators of the most heinous behavior when you pay for that which is supposed to be sacred and worshipped. 

Copyright 2012 Scottie Lowe AfroerotiK

I am NOT a slut!

It’s very important to keep one’s eyes on trends.  Black sexuality is political.  There is an emerging movement, very much like feminism of the 60s but dissimilarly driven, that has given rise to a segment of the population referring to themselves as sluts and whores as some sort of “empowerment”.  Some women are doing so without thought or consciousness, because they have been conditioned to believe that it’s arousing to be called names during sex.  Others, however, are doing so because they believe they are somehow changing the meaning of the word.  It is those women who give me great pause.  Internalizing our abuse is not reason to sanction our own objectification.

Society will call women, ESPECIALLY women of color, sluts and whores, label us as promiscuous at the drop of a hat, all day every day.  Turn on the radio, watch a movie, there are Black women being called sluts and whores ever where you turn.  For us to call ourselves that doesn’t change anyone’s opinion of us, it simply reinforces to them their negative perceptions.  They see any sign of a woman’s sexuality, any display of owning our preferences and desires, as being slutty.  If women enjoy sex, we are sluts.  Well, I’m not a slut.  I’m a woman who masturbates, enjoys porn, who loves hot, steamy, passionate fucking, but I’m not a slut.  I don’t think it’s arousing for men to call me a slut or a whore, I don’t want to be slapped around, spit on, called names and nor do I think if I ask for it or call myself names am I empowering anyone other than perhaps the person I’m with to feel superior to me, like they can treat me like shit with my approval. 

“I’m changing the meaning of the word, taking the sting out of it.”  I’ve heard that exact same argument from numerous women in reference to being called a slut.  It’s the same argument I’ve heard from Black people about using the word nigger.  If you look at the segment of the population who uses the word nigger, they aren’t particularly empowered.  They are at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder, they are under-educated and under and unemployed.  They are seen by society as niggers and treated thusly.  Other than a handful of rappers who have used to word to ride to fame by degrading themselves and their race, there are very few “niggers” who are commanding respect from those that would oppress them.  I’m going to politely suggest that the same is true for the women who claim that they are making a bold political statement about calling themselves sluts.  I’m not really seeing the instances of men feeling uncomfortable by their words and actions; I’m not really seeing a movement for men to be more introspective and rethink their use of the word.  Men are more and more comfortable calling women degrading names and the women who sign on for it, whether it be for political or sexual reasons, are NOT empowering anyone. 

There is an entire generation of young women who have grown up on porn.  In my day, porn was hard to come by and if you did happen upon it, it was a magazine with softcore pictures, not, the constant stream of hardcore porn that young people have grown up on.  My sexuality and VCRs (machines that played video tapes for those who are too young to even know what they are) are about the same age and I never saw an adult film until I was almost 20.  There was no internet so you had to go to a store and in the store there was a back room separated with a swinging western door where men looked at the ground and tried to pretend they were invisible.  There were NEVER any other women in the room, no matter what time of day you went, no matter how long you stayed.  There were three categories of movies: straight, gay, and lesbian and even the lesbian porn was created solely for men.  There was no anal section, there was no MILF porn, no, Japanese, shemale, public, or certainly BDSM or extreme or any of the numerous categories that can be found in seconds today on any computer.  Interracial porn was in the fetish section and considered an oddity.  And quite different from today, there was no common theme of the rape and degradation of women.  Back in the day, was a lot of moaning and groaning in porn, there was even a ton of kissing, and they were the masters of sexy talk.  That talk, however, wasn’t, “You filthy fucking whore, gag on my dick bitch.”  Today, you can’t watch a movie without a young lady being spit on, gagged, choked, slapped, spanked, and being called and calling herself every name in the book. 

I can clearly see how young ladies today, growing up in a time when porn was accessible and their only exposure to sex has been about degrading women would find that arousing.  I can also see how women my age, who have had to hide their sexuality all their lives, who haven’t had outlets to express themselves can watch videos of other women being degraded and get a secret thrill.  I’ve heard more than a few women who have been the victims of sexual abuse say that they are empowered when they call themselves sluts and whores and feel that they are diffusing the meaning of the word by doing it.  I’ve never really gotten a good understanding of how that works exactly.  If society and men in general don’t change their perceptions of the word, calling oneself a slut doesn’t seem particularly empowering, it seems more like objectifying yourself.  To be honest, to me, it seems like abusing yourself and calling it liberating.  In any case, there are legions of women, for one reason or another, who feel that calling themselves sluts and whores, and/or being called a slut and a whore during sex is arousing and empowering.  I don’t. 

I’m secure enough in my own identity as a woman, a sexual woman at that, that I can say, “No, I am not a slut.”  I don’t find it arousing to call myself a slut, I do not think it’s empowering to have someone call me a whore, I don’t think I’m making a political statement by conforming to society’s preconceived notion that I’m a slut, that’s not redefining anything.  I personally find it far more empowering to BOLDLY and unapologetically say, “Look at me.  I’m a regal queen.  Hey world, I’m a precious and divine gift and I’m not going to share my body with random men who are undeserving, who don’t treat me with respect, who don’t value what I bring to the table.”  Yes, I’ve been raped, more times than anyone ever should in fact.  I have struggled with my sexual identity like most women have in this patriarchal society.  My wants, desires, and preferences have been shaped by the lovers I’ve had in the past, my sometimes low self-esteem, and my overwhelming desire to take responsibility for my sexuality.  In the end, I’m much more comfortable defining myself and my sexuality by not apologizing to anyone for having desires and lusts that celebrate me being a woman, not a whore, thing, or a slut. 

I guess, at the end of the day, one has to ask themselves what they feel is more empowering.  Is it, “I am a gorgeous and divine queen, deserving of nothing less than a man who will treasure, adore, please, and treat me as the special and unique individual I AM,” or, “I’m a filthy, nasty slut who wants men to treat me like a cum dump.” 

To Be a Black Feminist

I recently read a deluded and sad “Letter to a Black Feminist” by a gentleman who blamed feminists for . . . well, basically, anything and everything he could think of. The fact that he didn’t even correctly identify what a feminist was or our real agendas didn’t seem to bother the numerous people who responded and told him how insightful and well thought out is misguided ramblings were. I am a feminist. I am an unapologetic Black feminist. I’m saddened by the lies, mistruths, and ignorance being perpetuated in my name and feel it’s my responsibility to share the truth for anyone who may be so inclined to learn and grow.

Here’s the Feminist Primer as simply as it can be explained.

Feminists work to dismantle the social, sexual, political, and economic disparity between the genders.

Feminists seek equality. Equality doesn’t mean we think we are as physically strong as men; it means we want our different strengths and abilities to have the same weight as men’s strengths and abilities have.

Feminists don’t want to be superior to men; we are not looking to replace patriarchy with matriarchy.

Feminists don’t want to emasculate men (although the concepts of masculinity and femininity are flawed, that’s besides the point). We have no agendas to make men more feminine but simply understand that there is a certain harmony and peace when masculine and feminine energies are in balance.

Feminists don’t seek to form matrilineal societies where women rule and have multiple spouses.

Feminists want to be seen as human beings, not objects, not submissives, not broken ribs or whatever fairy tales Black men want to quote to justify their insecurity with the concept that man and women should hold no power over each other.

Feminists aren’t lesbians, although we can be, but our sexual orientation has nothing whatsoever to do with our desire to fight the systems that keep women as second-class citizens.

Feminists don’t hate men although we certainly have a right to hate their privilege.

Feminists aren’t “against the family,” as so many Black men want to imply, we just don’t want the family to be based on a patriarchal model where men have the final say just because they have a Y chromosome.

Feminists simply take a stand against the oppression and tyranny of women under the false assumption of men being somehow inherently superior.

Feminists don’t want to be defined by how attractive we are to men but by our intellect, skills, talents, abilities, and our humanity.

Black men are so terrified of being equal to women that they raise these absurd and paranoid rants against feminists in order to deflect from their own emotional immaturity. Black men are hysterical. They yell and scream about how they want an end to the fallacy of white male supremacy but they don’t want anything to do with the end of male supremacy, ESPECIALLY if it means they might lose their historically unearned place as leader, ruler, and so-called king. As long as Black men feel they have a right to oppress, subjugate, or dominate women because some white man wrote a book that said that God deemed that anyone with a penis has special privileges to view women as inferior, then black men will be forever handicapped by their own ignorance and arrogance. Emasculating or hating men has NEVER been the agenda of feminists, that's nothing but bullshit rhetoric from immature and insecure men who want to keep women silenced and maintain their privilege of oppression. The very men who so vehemently hate feminists, who make us out to be evil estrogen wielding castrators, are the very men who are raping women, who are committing domestic violence, who are complacent when they see women being treated like whores and objects. Misogyny is a sickness within the Black community; it is a rampant disease that threatens our very existence. Until Black men can boldly declare that they are feminists, activists who fight for the equality of women, meaning they are willing to divest themselves of their unearned penal privilege and address how dysfunctional our society is in terms of gender, they will forever be emotionally handicapped oppressors.

Black women aren’t much better. We have no clue what a feminist is other than what we hear Black men yell and scream, we are so conditioned to try to conform to Black men’s whims, fantasies, and irrational demands, that we never question anything they tell us and we go along with what they say. Black women can more easily define what a touchback in football is rather than correctly define the term feminist, even though one is meant to make them appear more attractive to men and the other benefits their status and standing as a woman in society. Of those who have a tiny clue what the word means, they inevitably say, “White women have commandeered the feminist movement for their own agenda so I consider myself a womanist.” Ask a Black woman, “What’s the difference between a feminist and a womanist?” “Well, a womanist is more concerned with Black issues.” Does that mean that we need to come up with a different name for Democrat since I’m more concerned with Black issues than white Democrats? “Well, a womanist is more concerned with the family.” Well, white women get married more than Black women so this Black womanist movement isn’t being particularly effective, is it? You lessen your position of power if you refuse to face Black men head on with their misogyny and you attempt to side step them by using a more neutral term that they don't object to. You cannot be a warrior in the struggle if you are starting your crusade from a place of concession. If you refer to yourself as a womanist, you’ve already said to the world, “I don’t want to be equal to men because I don’t want them mad at me for being too radical.” Womanism is not the lite version of feminism, it's not the Black version of feminism, it's the patriarchal conformation to Black men's insecurities.

If there was ever a platform upon which we could stand and unite, all men and women, it is the feminist one which states that we will be seen as human beings, no more, no less, that women serve a greater role in the world than doing housework and being receptacles for sperm to satisfy men’s lust. We are individuals with equal strengths to bring to the table as men. They are not the same strengths, but they are equal nonetheless. Just as left is not better than right, hot is not better than cold, up is not better than down, white is not better than black, let us all agree the man is not better than woman.

Scottie Lowe

Am I not my sister’s keeper?

You see it all the time, every day in fact. Black women look for any opportunity they can to ridicule, belittle, and denigrate “those black women.” You’ve seen it, if a Black man finds a lame excuse to malign black women as gold-diggers, or bitches, or some other offensive and sexist slur, Black women will come out of the woodwork to jump on the bandwagon and throw some fuel on the fire. To hear them tell the tale, these upstanding and outraged women are always the best mothers, the most exceptional pillars of the community, beyond reproach with nothing but contempt for “those Black women.” They have nothing but venom for the underprivileged, disadvantaged, or God-forbid, women who’ve made a mistake. They are perfect and they make sure to stand atop their pedestal of condescension to point the finger of disgust at “those Black women.” They don’t have a problem with misogynist rap lyrics because it doesn’t refer to them; they are referring to “those Black women.” They are above any vile criticism of Black women in general because they are not one of “those Black women.” Their anthem? “I’m a strong Black woman.” They have no compassion, no empathy, nothing but judgment and hatred for “those Black women.”

Black men have no such pathology. In fact, they tip the scales on the opposite end of the spectrum. Black men can never find fault, flaw, or blemish with another Black man no matter how reprehensible their behavior. A Black man can have 23 children for whom he pays not one thin dime and you will find brothas lined up to excuse his behavior. In fact, Black men will find some reason to blame Black women for his excessive offspring, saying that if women didn’t spread their legs, he wouldn’t have so many children. RARELY do you hear a Black man saying, “I’m not one of those Black men.” There is a certainly solidarity in having a penis that dictates that Black men stick together to avert anything negative and turn it into the fault of the Black woman. When there is any constructive criticism given of Black men, the tendency is for Black men to assume that the criticism is directed to every Black man on the face of the planet and it becomes the responsibility of Black men to defend and deflect.

Both behaviors are unhealthy.

Any person that feels that he or she has to malign someone else is inherently insecure. There’s a huge difference between identifying the unhealthy behaviors of Black women while trying to bring about a certain amount of consciousness and healing and talking shit and badmouthing other Black women so as to appear superior/perfect. Hating (in the literal definition of the word, not the commonly used definition of simply criticizing someone) other black women for being victims of societal conditions shows no compassion and compassion is a sign of maturity. This whole, “I’m a strong Black woman,” archetype is delusional because it perpetuates this myth that Black women are these super sassy, indestructible forces that can raise children on their own, go to school, have a job, and maintain a relationship without blinking an eye. News Flash, Black women are suffering from depression, rage, dying of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and doubled over with fibroids and it’s because we are so intent to hold on to this irrational stereotype. The women who live long, happy, healthy lives are the women that understand that it’s human to have weakness, to ask for help, and to admit imperfection. There’s no valor in being so hardened, so filled with hate at your fellow sistren that you lack the empathy, a quality Black women should embody and personify.

Standing up against oppressive, sexist, and misogynist depictions of ANY Black woman is a measure of evolution. We all suffer, when we are referred to as bitches and ho’s, those that believe themselves to be just that and those that would sooner spit on those women than acknowledge that their plights are the similar. Aren’t we all as Black women, looking to feel validated and loved, to feel as if our life has value? Haven’t we all, every Black woman, made poor choices when it comes to men? Yes, some women have been led astray by unhealthy influences and messages and yes, they behave in ways that are detrimental to their self-esteem and self worth. If we can’t come together, however, to stand united against the oppression of ALL Black women we will perish in a quagmire of backstabbing and denial.

Copyright 2006 AfroerotiK

The days of empowered women are long gone.

There was a time when women fought to have their voices heard, demanded to be treated as equals and not as objects, a time when feminist wasn’t a dirty word and meant more than “angry lesbian.” Those days are long gone. Today, women live to be the voiceless, un-opinionated, glamorous playthings of rich, high-profile men. There’s been a shift from women wanting to define themselves as human beings capable and autonomous, to women willing to accept that they are nothing more than sex objects defined by the length of their hair, the price of their outfit, the roundness of their behinds, and the attractiveness of their feet. Whereas, the 60s were the days of women asserting themselves and fighting for equality, the new millennium is the day of women showing off their midriffs and having men pay for their company.

Black women have been the targets of a very concerted effort to silence their voice, to stifle their growth. Thirty years ago, Black women were standing up for the right to be more than teachers, maids, and nurses. Today, sistas are striving to be the well-kept trophies of successful thugs and be rated on the sexist scale of attractiveness. Black women have been convinced that being a woman means having a man, and not having a man is a stigmata of shame, a lack or void that surely signifies that you aren’t good enough in bed, you aren’t beautiful enough, you don’t live up to your primary role in life of pleasing a man. Forget holding men accountable for their actions, forget having standards that fall outside of material possessions, to hell with asserting that being a woman is more than living up to a patriarchal model that feeds the distorted egos and libidos of men. Yeah, that crap is over. Today, women want to be objectified, complacent, and conform to the role of being seen (as beautiful) and not heard. 

For a lot of women, they defend the notion that being a woman means how many men want you. It’s easy to do for the women that have light skin, that have long hair, that have a size six body with a size ten booty that look like a model and can pull the men that want to buy their souls in exchange for a roll in the hay. For the women that fit the profile, it’s all about maintaining that image and not rocking the boat. For the women who don’t fit that image, for the women with dark skin and hair that doesn’t flow in the wind, for women that don’t look like they stepped off the pages of a magazine or fresh from the set of a music video, they are left to deal with their self-esteem in a society that tells them that they are less than a woman. It’s a burden Black women don’t talk about because it’s shameful to admit that you don’t compare to the standard of beauty that Black men want and you feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle within yourself that you can never win, that’s beyond your control. What about the women that will never be able to wear the skimpy little halter tops and the five inch heels, and fling their shoulder-length hair and have men stumbling all over themselves to pay their car note? What if you look in the mirror every day and feel like you’ll never measure up? Those are the women that perpetuate the myth of the Strong Black Woman. They feel the need to suffer in silence and to endure a lifetime of abuse and pretend nothing hurts, to put up an impenetrable shell of distance and melodrama that leaves them perpetually emotionally drained. Convinced it’s an honor to be a strong Black woman, they hold onto the pain and feelings of inadequacy like a gold medal in the Depression Olympics.

The Pain we Hold Inside

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What more can I do?

It is so true, I do not know, understand, nor can I comprhend what it is to be a Black man. The mysteries of the unobtainable “Y” will forever remain elusive to me. I am a Black woman, in fact I am all Black women.

I struggle to get an education and a job in a society where my melanin rich skin is detested and abhorred. “They” don’t want me to excel, they would just as soon pass me over for that promotion, make me train my supervisors, deny me the sub-standard raise, create a hostile environment, and fire me unjustifiably. In their eyes, I am weak and stupid and criminal, I dare say, not even human. The only reason the police don’t beat me down and kill me in such great numbers, is I do not resist them as much. Trust me, were I to have more testosterone, every time I am pulled over unjustifiably, I would be face down on the side of the road rather than paying the fine for an imagined infraction.

What I do understand is that I’ve got to live up to outrageous and unreasonable demands to be a Black woman. I know what it is to walk down the street and I have to respond to every comment and criticism from Black men, regardless of how rude, degrading, or vile it is, lest I be called out my name. I know that I have to have a big booty and show it off to be considered attractive, ooops, but I can’t show it off too much or I’m a hoochie. I have to put on makeup to not be considered to’ up, but not too much or I’m fake. I have to be a freak in the bedroom to satisfy my man, but if I’m too freaky, I’m not worthy to be his wife. I have to match my perfectly pedicured toes to my fingernails right after I pick up my child from day care and take care of all the household responsibilities. I gotta pay the bills, cook and clean, raise the children, (most times by myself) go to work, try to make a way for myself and be supportive to my man. But what does being supportive mean?

Seems like I will never be able to obtain the standards of a good Black woman. I have to not ask questions about where he goes when he says he was out with the boys? I have to not ask him to contribute to the household financially or I’m a gold digger. I have to look the other way if he cheats because that’s just the nature of men, right? I can’t be too thin, I can’t be too fat. My hair has to be done all the time. I can’t be too outspoken or I’m a bitch.

Then I have to deal with the racist media telling me what I can and can not be. My hair can’t be nappy or I’m radical. My nose can’t be too wide, my skin can’t be too dark, and my lips can’t be too full. I’ve gotta look like a video dancer every time I leave the damn house.

To make matters worse, I gotta have Black men tell me I’m not enough by choosing white women because they are “more supportive.” You tell me what is a sista supposed to do, what more can I be?