I had a guy friend once who had two small daughters. He would take his daughters to work with him, he would pick them up from school, they loved their daddy and it showed every time they would see him. I was mesmerized by their relationship because he took such pride in knowing that his daughters could count on him for anything they wanted or needed. If they were having problems with children at school, they knew that their daddy would be there to resolve the conflict. If a man said something inappropriate to them, they knew that they could run to their daddy and he would defend and protect them at all costs.
I’m 40 years old and I’ve never known what it’s like to have a daddy. I’ve never had a daddy, I have a father I met when I was 16. The only interaction I have with him is him giving me a check on my birthday and Christmas and sending a few emails a couple times a year. I’m no expert but I know that parenting has to go much further than that. I’m not real sure I know all the intricacies of what having a daddy involves but I’m sure that it’s more than giving $400 a year and an email that says, “Hey kiddo.”
I have to wonder how my life would be different if I’d known the safety and security of a father’s love in my life. I have to imagine that my choices in men would have been vastly different if I’d had a daddy to help shape my perceptions. They say you can’t miss what you never had but that’s bullshit, complete and utter bullshit. I’ve missed out on what it is to know that there is a man that loves me unconditionally. I’ve missed out on what it is to know that there is a man in the world whose primary responsibility is to protect me and provide for me. If I’d had a man to love me, I sure as hell wouldn’t have begged EB to love me and spent so many years of my life trying to convince him that I was worthy of love.
My father isn’t some ex-con deadbeat. He’s a genius whose worked at the same high paying job for over 40 years and who is a daddy to two other daughters other than me. When I was growing up, the concept of “daddy” was something that set my mother off on a rampage so I dare not even bring up the subject. Now I realize how detrimental that was to me.
All too many fathers only want to be a daddy to their sons. Daughters are expendable, disposable and only sons have value in far too many men’s eyes. I know my mother resented me for not being a tiny replica of her and I grew up trying to compensate for being a constant disappointment to her. It’s only now that I’m realizing that I have been compensating for feeling unlovable to the men in my life because I never knew a father’s love. We as women have to start coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been handicapped emotionally by never knowing a father’s love. Moreover, we need to start ensuring that our daughters know a father’s love. This whole, “I can raise my child by myself, I can be the mommy and the daddy,” is noble, but it’s fucked up. Men need to be daddies to their girl children. Maybe then, when we let go of the fucked up beliefs that are so prevalent, that so many people want to justify, then we can have a community of women who, when some undeserving man who wants to use and manipulate us for sex asks, “Who’s your daddy,” we can know with assuredness to whom we belong.
I was blessed to be raised by my father and i can tell you I would not have had it any other way.
ReplyDeleteMy mother walked out the marriage when I was ten and my father was granted full custody.
What he taught me about men and having a father in my life has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.
I use to envy girls who had mothers growing up, but now I'm the envy of them all.
As I get older and wiser I see how much of a blessing it was to have a Daddy. A real Daddy, a shonuff take you sledding, to the thanksgiving parade, teach you to change a tire/oil/brake pads, always bring you a gift on Valentines/Sweetiest/Birthday, pick you up from Nursery School, even a a grown-ass woman always have your back Daddy. I used to think everyone got it, and I finally understand that the sad fact is that the majority of Black folks didn't have it. This does explain why its so hard for me to find a man to treat me like a queen b/c most of them never saw their Dad treat their Mom that way. I get how these guys just walk away from their kids, b/c their Father's dipped on them. I see why soooo many of my sistahs let me treat them like crap, b/c they have never been the apple of their Daddy's eye and don't know to expect/demand more.
ReplyDeleteOn the flip side, I guess I'm spoiled b/c I can't settle for anything less. No I don't need a man to buy me expensive stuff and "take care" of me financially, but he does have to dote on me, take me dancing, remember the "special" days and generally worship the ground I walk on. The really good thing for him is that I am willing and really want to do the same in return.
My Daddy was so fabulous that when my Mom got sick w/ MS and b/c an invalid he stuck by her side and cared for her until we were forced to put her in a nursing home. To this day he gets tears in his eyes thinking about his true love.
I need man to love me that way and treat my children with the kind of love I have received. I can't have it any other way, but damn if I'm not have a tough time finding the man who will step up.