I came last night. Last night, to the glow of the computer screen, I came. I masturbated for the first time in months. It’s been at least three months, maybe more, since I last masturbated. I wish I could say that I pleasured myself but it wasn’t in the least bit pleasurable. It was disappointing to say the least. I’m not even sure why I decided to do it, I didn’t feel particularly horny. It wasn’t very satisfying. It took much longer than I expected it to take. I thought I would be able to bust a nut so to speak in a relatively short period of time but it just dragged on and on and on and it got annoying. I tried to fantasize about having sex but I don’t have a single solitary person in my life that I am attracted to on a sexual level right now. I couldn’t form the images of my dream lover, he’s fading fast. I read some mediocre erotica and rubbed my clit until I came. I couldn’t even get wet. I tried not to think about the last person I had sex with because he was so warped, our relationship was so fucked up, that it’s unhealthy for me to even conjure up ANY memories of him, let alone sexual ones. The last time I had sex before that was almost two years ago and it wasn’t good sex. The last time I had sex more than three times a year was 1999 I think.
I forget what it’s like to have sex. I forget what it’s supposed to feel like. I can look at movies and see people kissing but I don’t have a memory of what it’s like anymore. I remember kissing people but I can’t remember what it feels like. I remember what it was like to make out on my sofa with a guy I really liked but I can’t remember what it feels like. It’s like I’m watching myself in a movie but I don’t feel the sensations.
I forget what it’s like to have someone eat my pussy or finger my ass. I forget what it’s like to suck a dick and make a man cum in my mouth. I really think my sexuality is broken. I haven’t used it in so long I think it’s no good anymore. I know that I used to LOVE having my nipples sucked but they don’t seem to give me pleasure anymore when I touch them. I know how to have sex but I don’t remember how it felt. I know in my head that I used to love that feeling, the first time you have sex with someone, and he penetrates you for the very first time and it just takes your breath away but when I close my eyes, I don’t feel anything. The panting, the sweating, the moaning and groaning. . . . It’s all a vague memory, like a faded photograph where you can barely make out the images.
My sexuality doesn’t work anymore. It’s dried up like a raisin in the sun.